In addition to editing and writing, I do book design, too, both covers and interiors. I've worked for a small publishing company for a couple of years, and the occasional independent author comes along. Here are the latest of the latter.
Hookernomics is a title suggested by an FTQ reader (whose name I've lost) is non-fiction, ebook-only cover. It's about the business of sex, and I thought the art of a red light worked pretty well for catching attention and lending subtext.
Collected Works is a private book, not available for sale, and at the far end of the spectrum from the first book. It is a book of poetry published in memory of my client's mother. I learned that she had, long ago, kept poems in what she called her "lavendar box," and that was the thought that led to this cover. It's a hard-cover book, and the cover is a "dust cover" with flaps on the inside.
It was a very short book--there weren't a lot of poems--and many of the poems were about one page long. So the interior design for Collected Works uses spreads, graphics, and white space to display her art.
Lastly, a lively, funny "food memoir" by a Jewish author. What else butKosher Sutra would do? The art I found foreshadows the book nicely--lively, fun, and food (there are some delicious-sounding recipes in it).
I'm off to do my Killer First Page workshop at Write on the River in Wenatchee this weekend. It should be an interesting session--34 people submitted first pages. Even though the workshop is a little over 2 hours long, we'll have to go through them at a rate of about every 4 minutes. It'll be a true immersion. I'm looking forward to it.
Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or
prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of
this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Laura sends the first chapter for Yellow Bike, a YA
romance.
“I just
don’t see why you couldn’t make it work,” Violet rasps. She pours Jell-o with
the precision of someone measuring liquid explosives. Her long plastic
fingernails shine red, white, and blue, the commemorative paint chipping from
last week’s holiday.
I smile
and sigh. “It wasn’t my call, Vi,” I say. “I was all for making it work. He was
not.” I spin the stool around and clunk another roll of silverware into the
bucket on the counter. The brunch rush is over- two couples linger over coffee.
Both are Violet’s tables. “’We’re in high school,’ remember? ‘We’re not
married.’” I laugh but it still smarts a little. I re-adjust my apron and start
on my next silverware roll.
“Plus,
he has a crooked smile,” pipes in Fannie’s voice from the grill. She pokes her
rosy, round face into the pass-through window. “He’s a charmer for sure, but
you can’t trust a boy with a crooked smile.”
“Exactly!
Thank you, Fannie. See that, Vi? Crooked smile.”
“What
was wrong with that boy from last week?” Violet has found her one true love-
Rex, her husband of twenty years- so now she and Fannie are determined to find
mine.
“He
was…” He was covered in ATV-thrown dirt and he called me ‘Babe.’ And I think he
was thirty. He tipped 78 cents. “He was… something else.”
The
concept of personal matchmakers is pleasing in theory. In practice, it’s turned
out to (snip)
Nope
I like the writing and the voice, and that we’re starting with
a real scene. The banter is well done. The only things missing from the story
list above are story questions and tension. Oh, there’s the question of whether
or not she will eventually succeed in romance, but that’s hardly compelling at
this point. The dialogue delivers backstory in a fun way, but it’s still backstory,
and thus set-up.
In the chapter, a handsome couple of guys her age come in
and she waits on them. One is drop-dead handsome. The twist at the very end of
the chapter that would have gotten me to keep turning the page is that she
discovers that he is deaf. That promises complications and a social issue to
deal with. If there was a way to get that on the first page, it would be a
strong opening. We would all be wondering how she was going to handle that, a
good story question.
I will admit that I’m not the target reader, and this
opening might engage a female YA audience just fine—but getting tension and a
story question on the page would be so much stronger. Brief technical notes:
“I just
don’t see why you couldn’t make it work,” Violet rasps. She pours Jell-o
Jell-O with the precision of someone measuring
liquid explosives. Her long plastic fingernails shine red, white, and blue, the
commemorative paint chipping from last week’s holiday.What is she pouring the Jell-O into? It
turns out into serving glasses on a tray. Give us the whole picture.
I smile
and sigh. “It wasn’t my call, Vi,” I say. “I was all for making it work. He was
not.” I spin the stool around and clunk another roll of silverware into the
bucket on the counter. The brunch rush is over- two couples linger over coffee.
Both are Violet’s tables. “’We’re in high school,’ remember? ‘We’re not
married.’” I laugh but it still smarts a little. Ire-adjust my apron and start on my
next silverware roll.The
last sentence really doesn’t contribute. Save it for tension. Also, I wasn’t
sure what a “roll of silverware” was, but I did get “silverware roll” as
silverware rolled up in a napkin. This detail could be clearer.
“Plus,
he has a crooked smile,” pipes in Fannie’s voice from the grill. She pokes her
rosy, round face into the pass-through window. “He’s a charmer for sure, but
you can’t trust a boy with a crooked smile.”
“Exactly!
Thank you, Fannie. See that, Vi? Crooked smile.”
“What
was wrong with that boy from last week?” Violet has found her one true love--Rex, her husband of twenty years--so now
she and Fannie are determined to find mine.
“He
was…” He was covered in ATV-thrown dirt and he called me ‘Babe.’ And I think he
was thirty. He tipped 78seventy-eight cents.
“He was… something else.”The style publishers use is “Chicago,” in which numbers
under 100 are generally spelled out. While this dialogue does go to character—her
taste in boys—it’s about someone who isn’t in the story. Why not make it
someone who is?
The
concept of personal matchmakers is pleasing in theory. In practice, it’s turned
out to (snip)
I’d give up the fun details and description to get a serious
story question on the page.
“I'm a writer want-to-be working on my first novel. I've read four creative writing books and I think that Ray's book has been the most helpful and easiest to understand.” HMS
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or
prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of
this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Shannon sends the first chapter for The League, a fantasy.
The
sky was an indulgent blue, broken only by garlands of delicate clouds. But the
hulk blocking the cobbled road stopped her dead. The midday sun behind the man
crowned his fair head with a ring of light while shadows masked the features of
his face. Where the hell did he come
from? The field of gnarled oaks to her left or the fence thick with ivy on
her right? Either could easily conceal a man. She should have paid better
attention. Anna licked her lips and
side-stepped toward the split-rail fence. The man mirrored her movement like a
misshapen shadow. When she loped left, he ducked along and emitted a grating
chuckle as if they were playing an innocent game of keep away.
Acorns
dropped and bounced along the grassy knolls, harmonizing with the creek’s
gurgle and the high-pitched chicka-dee-dee-dee-fee-bee
from the birds in the shrubs. Needling chills slithered along her spine
despite the warmth of the sage-scented valley. The dagger pressed against the
small of her back. All she had to do was slip a hand along her waist and
there’d be one less marauder roaming the hills. A breeze swirled between them
and the strangers’ hair waived around like those sea anemones in her father’s
musty books. Her own strands escaped her hat and batted her cheeks and eyes.
“Outta my way, you stupid thing.” She flicked her hair and squinted to size-up
her impassible threat.
Yes
I liked the voice and a conflict has been set up, plus a
little mystery as to who the man is. I could do with a little less of the
descriptive stuff on the first page, though, and there were some errors. Notes:
The
sky was an indulgent blue, broken only by garlands of delicate clouds. But the
hulk blocking the cobbled road stopped her dead. The midday sun behind the man
crowned his fair head with a ring of light while shadows masked the features of
his face. Where the hell did he come
from? The field of gnarled oaks to her left or the fence thick with ivy on
her right? Either could easily conceal a man. She should have paid better
attention. Anna licked her lips and
side-stepped toward the split-rail fence. The man mirrored her movement like a
misshapen shadow. When she loped left, he ducked along and emitted a grating
chuckle as if they were playing an innocent game of keep away. While I don’t mind starting the occasional sentence with “but” or “and,”
it needs to tie into the previous sentence, and I don’t see the relationship
here. Also, "hulk" is a bit non-specific. I didn't picture a person at first, I thought it was some kind of object.
Acorns dropped and
bounced along the grassy knolls, harmonizing with the creek’s gurgle and the
high-pitched chicka-dee-dee-dee-fee-bee from
the birds in the shrubs. Needling chills slithered along her spine despite
the warmth of the sage-scented valley. The dagger pressed against the small of
her back. All she had to do was slip a hand along her waist and there’d be one
less marauder roaming the hills. A breeze swirled between them and the strangers’stranger’s hair waived waved around like those sea anemones in her father’s
musty books. Her own strands escaped her hat and batted her cheeks and eyes.
“Outta my way, you stupid thing.” She flicked her hair and squinted to size-upsize up her impassible threat. The first sentence in this paragraph is long enough and unrelated enough to the action to stop the momentum for me.
You’ve initiated a conflict, get on with it.
Self-published novelist R.L.
Mathewson initially published Playing for Keeps on Smashwords with a plain
blue and white cover, but saw a significant sales spike in the iBookstore once
she added a steamy Shutterstock photo to her cover
Smashwords founder Mark Coker had this to say:
“The new covers caught the readers eye and it helped clear
up any confusion they may have had about the books. The new cover along with
the price helped the books sell. I would say that you should avoid covers
that cause confusion, are horrible to look at, too plain, or too over the top.
You don’t need to spend a lot of money to get a good cover, but you do need
something that can help draw attention to your book and intrigue someone to
take a chance on your work.”
Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or
prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of
this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Joylene sends the first chapter for
Kiss of
the Assassin.
A Collective Farm outside of Moscow 1956
Mama shouted.
Marina slipped past her and scrambled over the hearth. Papa
couldn't protect her when Mother shouted like that; he couldn't protect
himself. Safety waited under the table. Careful not to disturb Papa’s icon of
Christ, she lifted the faded linen tablecloth and scuttled underneath. The
dirty floor was rough, but she was practiced at scooting back against the wall
without getting a sliver.
Mama shouted again, "Vam idiot dyrak!”
“I’m not an idiot,” Papa said. "I won't do it."
"No, Papa," Marina whispered. He shouldn't argue
when Mama shouts. He shouldn't make her angrier. She hurt him the last time.
She sliced him.
Marina hated the memory. The village healer had to bandage
Papa's arm. It was the first time Marina ever felt shame for her Papa. She
overheard the healer scold him, calling him a weakling to let his wife rule
him. The healer said the neighbors laughed at Papa because he wasn't a man.
Marina hated the village healer now. She didn't want her
back here. Papa, don't make Mama angry.
Red-hot coals sizzled in the fireplace, but a cold wind
penetrated the wall behind her. She stuffed the hem of her dress in her mouth
to keep her teeth from chattering.
“Vam idiot dyrak!
You've humiliated me again," Mama yelled. "You're nobody. You're the
low nothing of a man."
Yes
This opens with a strong scene—plenty
of conflict. Plus a likeable character, a child in the midst of a family story
with the promise of deadly violence ahead. I could have done without the brief
flashback, but it was brief and didn’t slow the pace enough to matter—and it
did deliver some good background. The voice is strong, the writing clean. I
liked it. Very brief notes:
A Collective Farm outside of Moscow 1956
Mama shouted.
Marina slipped past her and scrambled over the hearth. Papa
couldn't protect her when Mother shouted like that; he couldn't protect
himself. Safety waited under the table. Careful not to disturb Papa’s icon of
Christ, she lifted the faded linen tablecloth and scuttled underneath. The
dirty floor was rough, but she was practiced at scooting back against the wall
without getting a sliver. A clarity issue—where
was the icon? She is lifting a tablecloth, the edge of which hangs down. Is the
icon on the table? Seems like an icon would be on a wall, or at least not in a
place where meals, cooking, etc. would happen.
Mama shouted again, "Vam idiot dyrak!”
“I’m not an idiot,” Papa said. "I won't do it."
"No, Papa," Marina whispered. He shouldn't argue
when Mama shoutsshouted. He shouldn't make her angrier.
She hurt him the last time. She sliced him.
Marina hated the memory. The
village healer had to bandage Papa's arm. It was the first time Marina ever
felt shame for her Papa. She overheard
the healer scold him, calling him a weakling to let his wife rule him. The
healer said the neighbors laughed at Papa because he wasn't a man.Cutting the
reference to memory helps me with the flashback. It’s briefer, and doesn’t feel
so much like a look backward.
Marina hated the village healer now. She didn't want her
back here. Papa, don't make Mama angry.
Red-hot coals sizzled in the fireplace, but a cold wind
penetrated the wall behind her. She stuffed the hem of her dress in her mouth
to keep her teeth from chattering.
“Vam idiot dyrak!
You've humiliated me again," Mama yelled. "You're nobody. You're the
low nothing of a man."
“There are many, many books out there on how to write a novel etc. etc. etc. I am always in the book store browsing through them but somehow they are a mission to read and never quite provoke me into writing, until I found Flogging the Quill.
Rhamey does not beat around the bush and gets straight to the meat of it. At the end of the day after years of procrastination I am actually writing and getting on with my dream project. I have recommended this book to my friends and they have all agreed it is a quick read but full of worthy and real world advice. Thanks for the help Ray!” Holmes
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or
prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of
this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Charles sends the first chapter for Long Walk Home.
Operation: Iraqi Freedom. Day: 565.
Time: 0912.
From a bench inside a corrugated steel
shack, Polk watched as dozens of Iraqi civilians marched behind a roll of
barbed concertina wire. They waved handmade signs and banners, and screamed
inaudible curses to the US-led occupation while dressed like rejects from a Gap
commercial.
Hardy and Baker had squeezed onto the
bench on either side of him. In the physical prime of their lives, they had
amassed thick muscles across their arms, chests, and shoulders. “That hajji
looks exactly like Osama bin Laden,” said Baker, as he chugged from a bottle of
Gatorade. “I should shoot him out of principle.”
“Every day for the past week he’s worn
the same gay man purse on his shoulder,” said Hardy. A cigarette dangled from
his lips.
“We’ll have to ask Rimjob how to say
‘gay man purse’ in German,” said Polk. The other guys laughed.
A watch beeped.
“Fuck.” He removed his ballistic goggles
and wiped a bandana across his face. “I can’t wait to get the fuck out of
here.”
“I hate to admit this, but I miss my
family,” said Baker.
Nope
While this scene feels very authentic, what’s happening
here? Guys talk. They’re in a war, so of course there is jeopardy somewhere,
but there’s none specific to this scene. The writing is good, and I like the
voice.
I looked through later pages and have put together material
that I think would have gotten me to turn the page with a “what happens next” question
in my mind. One nitpick: the following narrative includes a word I’d never seen,
“Ogaf.” I Googled it and one reference was to an acronym that means “Old guys
and friends.” Another was also for an acronym, but this meant “Opérations groupées d'aménagement fon.”
Neither made sense to me. The point: if you use words a reader is unlikely to
know, define it in context.
So what do you think of this as an opening?
Dozens
of Iraqi civilians marched behind a roll of barbed concertina wire in Ameriya
Square, a busy Baghdad traffic circle subdivided by concrete t-walls and sand
filled mesh barriers. They waved handmade signs and banners, and screamed
inaudible curses to the US-led occupation.
Polk
gripped his rifle, nestled the stock into the crook of his elbow, and held it
in front of his chest. “Eight hours,” he said. “Bullshit.” He sighed, and
stepped into the blazing sun.
He rejoined the perimeter of troops who
paced the wire barrier. He stood five feet away, his rifle at the ready, his
finger rested above the trigger, and the safety off, as he began to scan the
growing crowd for weapons or hidden explosives.
Eight more hours; fucking bullshit.
“Allahu Akbar!”
Someone hidden in the crowd had shouted.
Polk raised his arm as hajjis pushed against the wire. “Hold position!” he
said. “Ogaf!”
“Allahu Akbar!”
Polk felt his stomach turn cold.
A flash -- light, heat, noise. Something
punched him in the chest. His head spun, he smacked the ground, a bolt of
lightning shocked his tailbone. A few sounds registered: yelling, screaming,
screeching tires.
“A wealth of advice backed up by numerous examples and explanations. Ray doesn't just give you the "rules" of writing, but also gives you an understanding of why you shouldn't break the rules . . . and examples of times when it's a good idea to break them.
Ray's book deals with storytelling, description, dialogue, techniques, words to avoid, and workouts that help writers to understand how to critique their work and others. He also delves into how to hook your readers and make them care about your story and its character through building tension, raising story questions, perfecting your narrative voice, writing with clarity, setting the scene, and developing your characters. This book is well worth the price of admission.” Joseph
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Friend of the blog Tony DiMeo sent a link to In a post titled
Something Has to Happen by author Alexandra Sokoloff.
She offers choice observations, insights, and tips on what’s needed in your
novel’s opening to keep the reader reading. You’ve heard much of this from me,
but I thought a fresh perspective might help.
Although her blog is titled Screenwriter Tips and she is the
author of Screenwriting Tips for Authors (and Screenwriters),
Alex is also the Thriller Award-winning and Bram Stoker, Anthony, and Black
Quill Award-nominated author of supernatural thrillers and other fiction.
In reading through a bunch of thriller ebooks, Alex noted
this:
There was something I was noticing in book after book that I
started and then discarded last night that was just a structural error that
could so easily have been fixed to - I think - increase the number of people
who would want to keep reading. It's pretty simple, really.
I couldn't figure out what the book was about.
Or why I should care, either.
Sound familiar? She notes the following (there’s a lot more
about each item on her post, this is just a listing of the things she discusses):
Reading a bunch of first chapters in a row points out a lot
of common errors, actually.
1. Inexperienced writers almost inevitably START THEIR STORIES IN THE WRONG
PLACE.
2. NEVER MIND THE FUCKING BACKSTORY!!!!!
3. IDENTIFY THE SENSATION AND EXPERIENCE YOU WANT TO EVOKE IN YOUR READER – AND
THEN MAKE SURE YOU’RE EVOKING IT.
4. USE ALL SIX SENSES.
5. SHOW, DON’T TELL.
6. DETAIL THE INTERNAL DRIVES OF YOUR CHARACTER AND SET THE GENRE.
“Flogging the Quill teaches true lessons about different aspects of writing, but in a way that is at once humorous and informative rather than a dry statement of facts. There are plentiful examples all throughout the book, as well as a place to practice what you've learned. In all, I highly recommend this book for people wanting to begin writing, or those who simply wish to learn how to improve their craft.” Arwen
Question: have you had trouble posting comments on FtQ? Some regular readers can't get one on, and I wonder if it's widespread. Please let me know via email.
Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or
prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of
this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Alyssa sends the first chapter for The Twice and Future King, a YA novel.
When I met Isabeau, I thought it was just another ordinary
day. Though I suppose you can say that about any day that unexpectedly rips
your life apart.
The last bell had rung, and I was trying to figure out my
homework schedule as I walked across the parking lot. I couldn't decide if I
should study for my chemistry test before, during, or after writing that 5-page
paper about Macbeth and doing those 45 trig problems and…there she was. Leaning
against my junker of a car, and tapping her fingers rhythmically on the hood. The
sun painted the waves in her burnt red hair with streaks of gold, and her
clothes – jeans and a sleeveless high-necked shirt – showed off her athletic
figure.
My first thought? Wow,
she's gorgeous. I never said it was a brilliant thought, just that it was
my first one. I cleared my throat. "C-Can I help you?" Lame, I admit,
but I didn't have a lot of experience talking to beautiful girls. Or any girls,
really.
Her eyes locked onto mine with an electric jolt. They
weren't blue or green or hazel or brown or violet – they were all of those at
once, encircling her pupils with slivers of color that spiraled into her soul. "What
did they call you?"
My brain did a double-check. Yep, it had heard her right. "Excuse
me? What did who call me?"
"Your parents." There was the slightest of pauses
between the words – barely a hairs-(snip)
Almost
The voice is very inviting. Its confidence suggests that I’m
in the hands of a good storyteller. The protagonist was immediately likeable to
me as well. There’s a story question raised—what will happen between this guy
and this girl—but so what? There’s not much energy or intensity or “size” to
the story question. It’s on the ordinary side. She’s beautiful, but that doesn’t
do it for me.
But the rest of the chapter was charming and continued to
raise the level of that story question and add others. But how to get that
first page turned?
Well, I’ve cobbled together some things and below is a
roughed-out alternative. To make room, I decided that some things just weren’t
important enough for the first page:
The foreshadowing first paragraph, an attempt to create
enough tension to get me to turn the page. I’d rather be swept into the story
than told about what’s coming.
The laundry list of things he has to study. While that
paragraph is great for setting the scene and characterizing, it can be shorter.
The extensive description of the girl didn’t seem all needed
to me.
So below is some of the current first page trimmed down and
an attempt to raise the intensity of the story question through the use of characterization rather than events. To
be fair to the way the chapter is written, it seemed harsh to try to jam an
action story question onto the first page, but I found the girl’s character to
be quite compelling, so this is a try to crank up the interest via her. See
what you think.
The last bell had rung, and I was trying to figure out my
homework schedule as I walked across the parking lot. Should I study for my
chemistry test before, during, or after writing that five-page Macbeth paper. or…and
there she was. Leaning against my junker of a car, tapping her fingers on the
hood. The sun painted the waves in her burnt red hair with streaks of gold.
"C-Can I help you?" Lame, I admit, but I didn't
have a lot of experience talking to beautiful girls. Or any girls, really.
Her eyes locked onto mine with an electric jolt. They
weren't blue or green or hazel or brown or violet—they were all of those at
once, encircling her pupils with slivers of color that spiraled into her soul. "You
don't look like a Christopher Smith."
What? I shrugged. “Yeah,
I get that a lot. My father's American, but my mother's Japanese. I know I take
after her side, but—"
She held up her hand. "Not what I meant. I know from my
research on twenty-first century America that its melting pot culture allowed
for people of differing ethnic appearances to have names of seemingly divergent
derivation. I was referring to the names themselves: Christopher, from the
Greek name Christophoros, combining Christos or Christ with phero, meaning to bear or carry. Thus,
'bearing Christ.' Then you have Smith, deriving from the word smitan, meaning 'to smite,' implying the
original name applied to a soldier and not an ironworker (snip)
Now, that’s an unusual character, and I wanted to know what she was up to.
Your thoughts?
“Being a first timer to the confusing and sometimes frustrating world of writing, I can't live without this book. I wish I had purchased it before beginning my novel, but practice makes perfect and I am getting plenty of it. BUY THIS BOOK . . . it's worth the investment!” imzf
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Submissions invited: If you’d like a fresh look at your opening chapter or
prologue, please email your submission to me re the directions at the bottom of
this post.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page (first pages of chapters/prologues start about 1/3 of the way down the page). Directions for submissions are below.
A word about the line-editing in these posts: it’s “one-pass” editing, and I don’t try to address everything, which is why I appreciate the comments from the FtQ tribe. In a paid edit, I go through each manuscript three times.
Storytelling Checklist
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this list of 6 vital storytelling ingredients from my book, Flogging the Quill, Crafting a Novel that Sells. While it's not a requirement that all of these elements must be on the first page, they can be, and I think you have the best chance of hooking a reader if they are.
Evaluate the submission—and your own first page—in terms of whether or not it includes each of these ingredients, and how well it executes them. The one vital ingredient not listed is professional-caliber writing because that is a must for every page, a given.
Story questions
Tension (in the reader, not just the characters)
Voice
Clarity
Scene-setting
Character
Colleen sends the first chapter for The Opposite of Magic.
She didn't do anything more exotic than hit send on an
email, for God's sake, but every pixel on the screen wobbled and came to rest
off-kilter. The computer was cursed.
Either that or she was, and all things considered, she hoped it was the PC. It
refused to restart, so Emily dialed tech support—three times in one day, a
personal record—and punched in her ID.
When Alexander Hartgrave stomped into her sort-of office
fifteen minutes later, she had to bite her lip to keep from laughing at his
expression.
"You're a menace," he said, scowl deepening.
"I'm telling you, it's not my fault."
He threw up his hands. "It most certainly is."
"Just replace the thing—"
"Dr. Daggett, the day you get another computer to
torture is a day I'm no longer working here."
A much-anticipated day.
"Get back," Hartgrave said, like a threat, and put
a protective arm around her PC tower. He glared at the screen. Then he tapped
three keys, and the reboot window that wouldn't appear for her popped up for
him as if nothing were wrong. He clicked "restart." It worked.
No one could make her feel idiotic the way he could. Of all
the bad things about her job, the (snip)
Nope
Clearly the writing is good, and the voice confident and
likeable. There is a touch of conflict, but it’s quickly resolved. So what
happens here? A computer malfunctions and then is fixed. The protagonist is
left with nothing more significant to deal with than feeling idiotic. For me,
there was no tension, no story questions raised, and no trouble ahead for her.
This page and most of the chapter is set-up that introduces
us to the character and the goings on of her life at the place she works. There
isn’t much of a clue to the story until the end, when a mysterious man invades
the basement where her office is and she finds him in a secret room, hovering 15 feet off the
floor.
Colleen submitted her chapter a couple of years ago, and the
verdict was the same. At that time I cobbled together an alternative opening
from her text, which is below. Would it get you to turn the page?
Emily liked to think she was
clear-sighted about her faults. Excessive curiosity, for instance. Now, though,
rummaging through her new office for a makeshift weapon should she need to
defend herself, she realized she had missed a flaw. She'd grown up, earned her
degrees and landed a university teaching job, but she had never overcome the
childish desire for adventure. Well, flaw or not, this was the closest life had
come to providing an adventure. Grasping a three-hole punch because its
name sounded dangerous, she set off to search the basement of the Humanities
Building for the intruder.
An empty stone passageway stretched
ahead, deeply shadowed. Bare-bulb fixtures clung to the ceiling, casting small
islands of light. Empty torch brackets dotted the walls.
One corridor after another proved
empty, save for a lecture room filled by age-browned boxes heavy with dust. She
picked her way around the entire level and found nobody. But she had definitely
heard a thud.
Then she noticed a nearly invisible
door -- made of the same stone as the wall, it was set apart only by a tiny
doorknob. The knob was warm to the touch, smooth as glass, faintly vibrating
under her fingers. She yanked on it and the door burst open to reveal a
cavernous room.
Someone was inside. Someone wearing
a wide-brimmed hat.
“As an aspiring author in the Internet age, I thought there was enough information out there in the blogosphere to provide me with everything I needed for my arsenal. Boy, was I wrong. I wish that I had purchased Flogging the Quill months ago. Had I bought the book when I first learned about it, I'm confident it would have saved me a tremendous amount of time and effort in the crafting, writing, and rewriting of my first novel.” Shannon
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
your title
your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
Please format with double spacing, 12-point font Times New Roman font, 1-inch margins.
Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
And, optionally, permission to use it as an example in a book if that's okay.
If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
For writers in the Pacific Northwest, I want to mention that I'm doing my Crafting a Killer First Page workshop at the 2013 Write on the River Conference in Wenatchee, Washington on May 18.
This is a good group run by top-knotch writers and well worth your while. I'd love to see you there.
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