Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, It seemed to me that it could be educational to take a hard look at their first pages. If you don’t know about BookBub, it’s a pretty nifty way to try to build interest in your work. The website is here.
I’m mostly sampling books that are offered for free—BookBub says that readers are 10x more likely to click on a book that’s offered for free than a discounted book. Following is the first page and a poll. Then my comments follow, along with the book cover, the author’s name, and a link so you can take a look for yourself if you wish. At Amazon you can click on the Read More feature to get more of the chapter if you’re interested. There’s a second poll concerning the need for an editor.
What was she supposed to say? Every person in the room had their eyes glued to her, smiles on their faces. As Jamie glanced around at them all, she spotted her mom and dad. Dad had his arm around her mom’s waist and both were beaming proudly as they looked at her, dressed in their finery. The invitations had been very clear. This was a black tie event and the guests were dressed up to the nines for this, her 21st birthday party.
As one of the wealthiest families in Brecon Point, entertaining was something they regularly did. For tonight’s festivities, they’d taken over Faraday’s Tennis Club, a place where you didn’t usually get in unless you had a bank account in the seven figures. But tonight, just about everybody had been invited and social differences had been set aside. Now they were all standing around, looking at her.
As she peered down at the young man kneeling on one knee in front of her, Jamie was hit by a sudden wave of panic. She loved him. Well, she thought she did but she was only 21, far too young to get married. But what was she supposed to say? If she said no her parents would be devastated, not to mention completely embarrassed in front of all their guests.
He was starting to look a bit uncomfortable now and, with a jolt, Jamie realized that at least a full minute had passed since he’d presented her with the ring and asked her to marry him. She’d not said a word.
Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow. You can turn the page here.
This book averaged 4 stars on Amazon. I have to wonder why—looking at the title and the question on the cover—Families are murder . . . do you trust yours?—and the blub from Amazon about tragedy and a missing niece, I expected something more than a proposal. Because the writing was sound, I read on in search of some kind of story question. It took until the middle of chapter 7 for anything resembling a crime to occur and a story to appear. I’ll be deleting this from my Kindle.
What do you think?
© 2016 Ray Rhamey