Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 305 Melissa F. Miller—wanna see a sloooooooow start?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the opening chapter of Dark Path, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

“Do you love the Lord?”

The assembled group roared a hearty ‘yes.’

“With all your heart?”

Another affirmation rang through the auditorium.

Pastor Bryce Scott waited until the echo died down. Then he raised his arms and searched the upturned faces at the edge of the elevated stage. “No, you do not. And do you know how I know?”

The room fell silent.

Bryce paced from one end of the platform to the other, as if he were a caged panther or a particularly nervous TED Talk speaker. The spotlights barely registered. He’d grown accustomed to their heat and brightness. He was full of the Spirit.

He continued, his voice taking on the cadence he used in his sermons, “Because if you love God, God will love you. And when God loves you, He will reward you materially. Do you have a Mercedes? No, you do not. A gorgeous home? No. A boat? Why not? Because you have not blessed God, so God has not blessed you.”

The air in the room grew heavy, still.

Bryce paused and allowed the uncomfortable silence to settle like a thick fog. Several (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel received 4.3 stars on Amazon. So what do we have here? High-level writing, a strong voice. Scene is set. But . . . if the blurb hadn’t told us that this is a thriller, we sure wouldn’t know it from this. There’s very little tension here—there is a little stemming from his confrontation with the audience—but no story question other than wondering what he will follow that up with.

He has no trouble. No trouble is in sight. No story is in sight. This is setup, pure and simple. It’s not for this reader. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The cover comes with an inch of being quite strong. The title andauthor are fine, the image of the moonlit sea interesting. For me, where it goes wrong by an inch is the placement of the author name to cover up therest of the foot of the sheet-covered corpse. It blocks a quick read at internet size for a skimmer. If it were perfectly clear, this would be a fine cover. I’ll give it a B. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 304 C.J. Archer—evidence that world-building does not a story tell

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the opening of the first chapter of The Palace of Lost Memories, a fantasy. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Whispers of sorcery began when the palace's foundations appeared overnight. One frost-bitten day, the broad plain five miles from Mull contained nothing but grass and muddy puddles; the next, solid walls took shape as if they'd sprouted from the ground like daffodils at the first hint of spring. Looking at the completed building now, surrounded by mature formal gardens, I could see why those whispers had grown louder. Despite the distance between the palace and the clearing on Lookout Hill, where I stood, I could tell it was enormous. It must be four times as long as the street on which I lived, and it was certainly higher than the temple in the center of Mull. According to my father, it was even bigger than the main temple in Tilting, Glancia's capital city, where the last king had ruled from a crumbling old castle. That structure had taken three years to build. The palace had taken less than three months.

Three months in which not a single builder had been seen coming or going. No locals had been tasked with the labor, and according to the travelers and traders who now filled Mull's taverns to bursting, they hadn't come from elsewhere in Glancia or any of the neighboring kingdoms, either. It was as if they'd been conjured from the air and returned there after the palace's completion.

Magic.

Even I, a practical woman who believed in what she could see, hear and touch, couldn't (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel received 4.3 stars on Amazon. The voice and the writing are professional, which gives a reader confidence. Like many fantasy novels, the author starts with world-building. I don’t take issue with that—as long as there is some kind of story, of tension introduced. You know what I’m talking about: story questions. Here, there are none. Nor a sense of jeopardy, of trouble ahead. Nothing is wrong or going wrong in this opening. So why turn the page? The strength of the narrative skills and your interest in magic might be enough, buy you risk turning the page to more world-building, not story. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The cover image and the typography do a good job of signaling the genre. The colors are attractive, and we can easily understand it. Other than the author name being too small, this one works pretty well. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber303: Jerry Hatchett—story about power failure fails to have any energy (tension)

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of Seven Unholy Days, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

1:02 PM CENTRAL DAYLIGHT TIME (LOCAL)

GREAT CENTRAL ELECTRIC

YELLOW CREEK COMPLEX

NEAR IUKA, MISSISSIPPI

I felt trouble in Jimmy Lee Tarkleton’s handshake. It was a little strong and a little long. This man liked pissing contests.

“The inspection is scheduled for next week, Decker,” he said.

“If you have a problem, take it up with headquarters. They dispatched me.”

“For what?” He was a bearish man, thick-chested and sturdy, and he showed no sign of moving.

“Three days of excessive grid fluctuations. I’m here to identify the problem and recommend a solution.”

He yanked the handset from a wall phone and dialed. “This is Tarkleton at Central. Put me through to the director, right now.” He paced back and forth, tethered by the cord.

I looked into the fifty-foot-square nerve center of Great Central Electric. Acoustic walls, subdued indirect lighting in a high ceiling, big air-conditioning ducts. Fiberoptic cables fanned out to a long bank of servers and a crescent-shaped console held two rows of flush-mounted displays.

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel received 4.4 stars on Amazon. The character feels trouble right away, but I didn’t. There’s brief “conflict” as the two disagree, but no stakes. As it turns out, the feeling of trouble was a bait-and-switch bit of misleading narrative. The guy doesn’t turn out to be trouble, he turns out to be an ally.

Other than that little tease, what does this opening page have going for it in terms of story? How about zero? This may be a thriller, but not on the first page. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

A dramatic image that, along with the title, does communicate a global problem of some sort. The image is eye-catching, the title is strong, and the author name acceptable in size. It gets an okay from me. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber302: Isobel Blackthorn—good story questions, but clarity is an issue for this reader

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of A Matter of Latitude, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The ocean heaves to its own pulse, angry and insistent, forcing its bulk against the rock; my wet and salty companion, silent, even as it roars. The tide runs high, the wind cyclonic, waves spill their spray into the fisherman's hut through the window cavity. The boom as each wave hits sends a lesser boom through me. )

I'm using a wooden table with a missing leg as a barricade. Also occupying the fisherman's hut are two backless chairs and three wooden crates, their slats rotting and brittle. In a cracked plastic bucket are short lengths of frayed rope, discarded as useless by their owner, along with scraps of fishing net, tangled and no good to anyone. )

I huddle in the back corner of this cold cell of a room with all the detritus, for all the good it's doing me. I can hear the canine, sniffing and whimpering outside: my stalker. The cavity should have been boarded up against the wind and the spray that coats everything in salt. My only comfort, it's too high for the dog. )

The cavity must be too high for the dog or it would have leaped in for the kill by now. Unless it's building up the courage or figuring out its approach. I don't care to think about it. The barricade would be useless against that snarling beast, but I'm not crouched down here on the cold stone floor hiding from a four-legged enemy. )

I reassess the condition of my body. I'm not in good shape. The dog bite on my left calf is (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel received 4.2 stars on Amazon. Well, there’s jeopardy and peril here, for sure. The scene is fairly well set, and the protagonist clearly has things going wrong. I was going along fine until the next-to -last paragraph, and then clarity issues stopped me.

He says the barricade would be useless—yet the beast is snarling outside and not attacking, so it seems that the barricade is not useless. Then he says that he is NOT hiding from the four-legged enemy outside, perhaps hinting at a worse enemy. For me, this attempt at a teaser failed. Later we learn that he has been in a car accident that he doesn’t think was an accident. In addition to the dog bite he has a broken shoulder, so he’s in dire straits. But, for my money, those things should be included in this first page. All in all, didn’t grab me. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The bullet hole in the windshield glass is a good element for signaling a thriller, so that’s fine. The typography and the author name work well, too. So the cover passes muster for me, though I wish there were more color to catch the eye. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 301: Cheree Alsop— strong writing and story questions

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of Daybreak, a science fiction novel. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

A bright light pierced the darkness. Tiny motes of dust danced within the beam. Liora’s muscles tightened. The urge to run filled her despite the pressure of the bars against her back. She had tested them a thousand times, yet the need to do so again was difficult to suppress.

“Can you believe this?” a male voice asked. “I’ve never seen such a collection.”

“Yeah, and to think they were just left to rot. This has to be worth thousands,” a second voice mused.

Liora listened to their footsteps. Occupants in the other cages snarled, yipped, hissed, or ignored the men’s presence.

“What a freak show,” the first said. “Whoever ditched this carrier must have been collecting for quite some time.” He paused, then said, “I think this one’s from the Ursa Minor Galaxy.”

“Careful,” the other man warned. “Its venom can burn through your suit.”

“I don’t think it’s- ahh!” the man yelled.

The crashing sound of cages being knocked over followed.

The second man chuckled. “Told you.”

Liora’s heartbeat sped up when they rounded the last aisle. Their heavy boots thudded along the floor and the beams of their flashlights swept to the left and right. She wanted to duck, (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This collection received 4.2 stars on Amazon. It’s good to see a science fiction opening that doesn’t bog down in specifying the world. This one is an immediate scene with things going on. There’s danger here—a creature with poison venom. A heroine who appears to be in a cage. Question: why is she caged? The men are clearly intruders. Question: what will happen when they find her? Is there any danger for her (as it seems)? So, plenty of story questions, good writing and voice. Worked for me. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

A good, strong cover. The image identifies the genre right away, and that big gun in her hands promises action, and her look promises a tough female protagonist. Title is strong, author name works pretty well. It does the job for me. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber300: Anni Taylor— brisk, clear, powerful story questions

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of The Game You Played. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

There are two types of people in this world. People who steal other people and people who don’t.

There are lots of ways of stealing a person.

Grabbing a small child and running away with them is one of the worst ways of all.

Six months ago, you did that.

In the last days of December, the city of Sydney is shot with the blistering heat of summer, buzzing with festivals and exhibitions. The voices of Chinese, Japanese, British, American and other international tourists mingle with those of Australian couples and families.

At Darling Harbour, people dart in and out of the zoo, museums, and the IMAX, while diners people-watch from the open-air upmarket cafés and restaurants that hug the square-shaped harbour. In the middle of all this, a playground captures the children’s attention. The children grow shouty as they race from the water park to the giant slide to the climbing frames, their hands and faces sticky with ice-cream.

Luke and I were there then with our two-year-old son, Tommy.

You were there, too.

Watching.

Waiting for your chance to snatch him.

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel received 4.4 stars on Amazon. This opener starts out right with its crisp narrative style. Short sentences, short paragraphs, easy reading that adds up to a very strong “What happens next?” story question. The narrator is Tommy’s mother, so she’ll be the one telling us the story. I liked the voice, the quick setting of the scene, the tension that builds without the narrative shouting at us. I want to read this book. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

For me, the cover fails to communicate any sense of danger or urgency, of something that’s wrong. This could just be someone looking at their bills. I think an image that portrays a lost child or a grieving mother would be stronger. Title and author name fine, but could do better with the image.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Writer Unboxed article on common flaws in newbie novels

I'm both a contributor and a regular reader of the Writer Unboxed website, and thought today's article was well worth passing on to folks who are interested in writing novels. It's titled "The Secret to More Efficient Revision: Pattern Recognition."

Not surprisingly to me, this editorial expert talks about the same flaws I see in submissions to FtQ and in the novels I edit. They are:

Info Dumping

How many submissions to FtQ have you seen die of this malady. As the article says, "If your work has chunks of text where you are telling us what happened instead of showing the narrative unfold, if it feels like you are giving a lecture . . ."

Emotion Not on the Page

Novels are about character, and character is shown by what the character thinks, does, and feels. The article: "A novel lets the reader into the character’s head, so if the writer doesn’t let us in, we’re going to feel cheated."

Too Much Plot

This has to do with stories that are just things-that-happen strung together with no change in characters. Thriller novels featuring a continuing character often suffer from this. The article: "Story is about change. Without change, all you have on the page is plot, or things that happen and don’t add up to a story."

No Point

This has happened to me more than once after reading a novel--I'm left with the feeling that there is no good answer to the question "Why did I make this trip?" The article: "One of the things that can stop a novel dead in its tracks is writing that doesn’t reflect a point or theme."

No Narrative Drive

This one is all about story questions, the energy that fuels a story machine. The article: "The main thing that keeps readers turning pages is the curiosity to find out what happens next."

Story Not Starting in the Right Place

You've seen this on FtQ too, where I'll point out a stronger beginning that comes well after the first page. The article: "If the beginning of the story is slow and flat and dull – if there is no narrative drive right from the start – the story may well be starting too soon or too late."

I recommend that you visit and read the whole thing. Good advice is always good to get, especially on the long learning curve to writing a successful novel.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 299: Raymond Benson— a series I’ve read and enjoyed

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

This is not the usual BookBub critique. I found this series back in 2016 and thoroughly enjoyed it. For five novels, I figure 99 cents is practically free. Back then, a majority of readers voted to turn the first page. See what you think.

Next is the first page from The Black Stiletto: The Complete Saga (The Black Stiletto Series, Books 1-5). A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

My mother was the masked vigilante known as the Black Stiletto.

I just found this out today, and I’ve been her son for forty-eight years. All my life I knew she had some secrets, but needless to say, this is a bit of a shock.

At first I thought it was joke. I mean, come on. My mother? A costumed crusader? Yeah, tell me another one. And the Black Stiletto, of all people? No one in a million years would believe it. I’m not sure I do, and here I am being presented with hard evidence.

The Black Stiletto. One of the most famous persons on the planet.

And she’s slowly dying. In a nursing home.

Oh. My. God.

I really don’t know how I’m supposed to react to this.

It was sure something I didn’t expect when I was called to Uncle Thomas’s office this fine May afternoon. He’s not really my uncle; just a friend of the family. I suspect he was my mom’s lover at some point when I was a kid, but they remained friendly and then later he acted as her estate attorney. You see, my mom—Judy Talbot—is seventy-two years old and she’s got Alzheimer’s. It’s a terrible disease and it hit her hard and fast. It didn’t creep up on her like it does with most victims. It was almost as if she was okay one day, and then a couple of years later she couldn’t remember my name. Within five years of the onset of her illness, I had to put her (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This collection received 4.4 stars on Amazon. I’ve already endorsed this, but here’s my take on this first page. I think the opening line is a fine hook—we can understand the shock of a child learning that his mother was a masked vigilante. For me, interest grew, and story questions were raised, as we learned of her worldwide fame, and being struck by Alzheimers. Then story questions bubble up—what will the son do with this information being foremost among them. I did read on, years ago, and enjoyed this tale of a strong woman character. I think that, for 99 cents, you can't go wrong. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

A strong, simple cover. Colors are good, with the type able to stand out. The large and pretty eyes within a mask offer intrigue, for sure. Works for me.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 298: Ty Hutchinson— story questions, yes, but the writing . . . ?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of Tenderloin. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The symphony of the rainy season had returned to the Amazon. Large drops fell from the treetops, hammering huge, paddle-shaped leaves and thumping the ground like a bass drum. Deafening, wet, but not enough to slow the teen’s efforts. His bare feet continued to grip the earth as if it were dry.

Whack! Whack! Whack!

His hands attacked the wet hanging vines, slapping them out of his way as he dodged mossy tree trunks and hurdled thick, exposed roots. He had navigated that trail countless times. He could do it blindfolded. He practically was.

Whatever sunlight was left in the day lacked the strength to punch through the thick canopy of the jungle. With every passing second, the shadows around him faded together, forming the inevitable darkness that would envelop the slippery terrain. It forced his eyes and ears to work harder at navigating. He didn’t worry. He was born in the jungle. It was his backyard. Nothing could stop him from moving at full speed. Nothing could prevent him from reaching his village. Nothing except the thing chasing him.

At first, the boy kept a pace that had him thinking he was in the clear, but when he heard movement behind him, he realized he had misjudged his pursuer’s speed. Impossible, he thought. How could that thing have caught up? He forced his eyes to adjust to the dark and willed his legs (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.2 stars on Amazon. Okay, so there’s good action, suspense, jeopardy, a “what happens next” story question with what seem to be high stakes—so far, so good.

But then the narrative had the boy forcing “his eyes and his ears to work harder at navigating.” Seriously? You can force your eyes and ears to do things like that? And then a few lines later he is forcing his eyes to adjust to the dark. That kind of thing is far beyond voluntary control.

So, for me, the credibility of this narrative is in doubt from the start. If there are two not-possibles on just one page, what is to come? I feel sorry for the teen being chased in this scene, but I’m not going to wade through a verbal jungle to find out how he fares (but I’ll bet not well.) Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The image is interesting. Moody. There seems to be a hurt or dead woman there. So there is a hint of story. I know that the title refers to a district in San Francisco, but I suspect that will be lost on some readers. Not terribly provocative. One more thing about the art—for me, it looks like it portrays an historical scene, but I believe the story is contemporary. That could be a turn-off to a mystery seeker. I guess I think it could have been stronger, but it does have tension.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 297: Rebecca Cantrell—just one line away . . .

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first chapter of The World Beneath. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

November, 1949

Presidential train

En route to Grand Central Terminal, New York

Dr. Berger looked into the long dark mouth of the tunnel. This tunnel would lead to another and then another until they stopped at a secret platform under New York City’s Waldorf Astoria hotel. Only one train had permission to stop there. This one— the presidential train car. It hadn’t been used by the president since the war and, despite its original purpose, the car was surprisingly utilitarian— simple wooden cabinets, a stainless steel counter bearing four liquor decanters, and leather chairs bolted to the floor.

He clutched his precious briefcase with nervous fingers. The train had almost arrived at its destination, and nothing had gone wrong. Yet.

Darkness engulfed the train car as it pulled inside. The train slowed to a crawl. To see why, Dr. Berger adjusted his round spectacles and peered through bulletproof glass so thick that it had a green cast. Dim, electric lights hanging from the ceiling revealed a field of silver tracks merging together again and again as the tunnel narrowed. The engineer had slowed to switch tracks. The car was deep underneath the city now. Close.

He cast a sidelong glance at his sole traveling companion: the uniformed soldier who was (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.5 stars on Amazon. The narrative creates a mood of suspense with nervous fingers, a secret platform, and nothing going wrong . . . yet. But does it reach the level of compelling?

It could have with the addition of just one more line of narrative from page two. Here’s the addition that would crank the tension up:

He cast a sidelong glance at his sole traveling companion: the uniformed soldier who was tasked with protecting him and the secrets he carried. What did he know about the man?

Okay, now we have, when you add in the hints earlier, a clear story question that could generate some page turns. And it would have been simple to create the space needed—just delete the setting information line, Presidential train. from the opening. That information comes up almost immediately in the first paragraph, so it really isn’t needed earlier than that. A simple edit that makes a difference. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Good elements in the cover: title and author are strong. Unfortunately, there’s an image of some kind of award covering the key part of the graphic—a train. You can’t tell it’s a train in a tunnel without seeing the train. And the text on the award is impossible to read, so there’s no gain in including it. Only loss. The cover needed an editor too.

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.