Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 318 Morgan Rice—is there enough tension here for a good opener?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first-chapter opening from The Magic Factory . A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Oliver Blue glanced around the dark, dingy room. He sighed. This new house was about as bad as the last one. He clutched his only suitcase in his hands.

“Mom?” he said. “Dad?”

They both turned to look at him, scowling their ever permanent scowls.

“What, Oliver?” his mom said, sounding exasperated. “If you’re about to say you hate this place, don’t. It’s all we could afford.”

She seemed more stressed than usual

. Oliver pressed his lips shut.

“It doesn’t matter,” he mumbled.

He turned, heading for the stairs. Upstairs he could already hear his older brother, Chris, thundering around the place. His mean, heavy-footed brother always tore through every new house in order to stake his claim to the best bedroom before Oliver got the chance.

He trudged up, suitcase in hand. On the landing, he found three doors. Behind one was a bathroom; the next opened to a master bedroom with a double bed; and the third contained Chris, who was sprawled on a bed like a starfish.

“Where’s my room?” Oliver said aloud.

As if anticipating the question, his mother yelled up the staircase. “There’s only one room. You boys are going to have to share.”

You can read more here. This book earned 4.1 stars on Amazon. I’m always up for a fantasy to take me temporarily away from the ugly goings-on of today. Realizing that fantasies often start with a certain amount of world-building, this opening page is not unexpected. There is a little tension, what with having to share a bedroom with a mean, bully brother. But how dire is that? We have no idea of what the stakes are. And we don’t have much of a story question. So, in terms of engaging this reader, this page doesn’t get the job done. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Once again the author’s name is virtually lost. The image is pretty cool, and helps the title along with mystery and mood, so that part works for me. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 317 Rich Curtin—does this setup exposition do it for you?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first-chapter opening from . A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Deputy Sheriff Manny Rivera sat in his Grand County Sheriff’s Department Ford F-150 pickup truck and studied the demonstration from a half block away. The protesters occupied the corner of Main and Center Streets, right in the middle of downtown Moab. They were chanting, No more digging, no more digging, and pumping placards up and down in rhythm with the chant.

Rivera made a quick head count. There were forty-five of them, mostly young, about half men and half women. None were locals; he didn’t recognize a single face. He focused his binoculars on the placards. One read, Respect Human Dignity. Another said, Grave Desecration is Sick. A larger one read, Arrest and Prosecute Pothunters.

He lowered his binoculars, wondering why the demonstrators had chosen Moab for their activities. As far as he knew, there hadn’t been much pothunting taking place in Grand County.

Abruptly, there was a knock on the passenger-side window of his vehicle. Liddie, the teenage clerk who worked part-time at the Times-Independent, Moab’s weekly newspaper, was peering through the glass. He pressed the button and lowered the window.

“Hi, Liddie. How are you today?”

“Hi, Deputy Rivera. I’m fine.” She pushed her hair away from her eyes, appeared apprehensive. “I just unlocked the office and found this message on the floor. Someone slid it (snip)

You can read more here. This book earned 4.7 stars on Amazon. The high rating suggests that there is good reading ahead, but the first page sure doesn’t. The situation—the demonstration—appears static. The protagonist is mildly curious about what is going on, but not concerned. Basically, nothing happens in this opening. Thus, it’s difficult to raise a compelling story question, of which there are none here. I think an editor could have helped lift this from setup to story. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The cover cheats the author by making his name so small. Why not larger? As for the image, maybe it has a little mood to it . . . but, on the other hand, what mood? We tend to think of sunsets as beautiful, but this is crime fiction. In my view, the cover design contributes very little to the task to grabbing a reader’s interest. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 316 Diane Capri—snappy opening with story questions, but oh, that cover

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first-chapter opening from Hunt for Justice. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

I grew up outside Detroit, where the weak were killed and eaten. Still are.

Every morning during my high school years, my clock radio blasted me awake with morning news: Five men killed last night in Cass Corridor. Two hundred homicides this year.

Like sports statistics, only bloodier.

Somehow it never occurred to me to change the station.

Even so, murder was far removed from my suburban life. Eventually I moved to Tampa for sunny charm, Southern hospitality, smiling grocery clerks, polite neighbors, small-town feel.

And no crime. Okay, less crime.

But lessons learned young stick with us. All those Detroit homicides proved one thing to me: You never see the bullet that gets you, even when it hits you right between the eyes.

Of course, I didn’t think about any of this until long after the time to duck.

Carly Austin ambushed me at home. I’d dashed home from work later than I’d planned. Preoccupied. Distracted. Too much to do, too little time to do it. And there she was. Waiting for me.

Her mere presence was a shock; she’d been ignoring me for more than a year.

I covered well; offered smiles, hugs. Asked her to join me for drinks. She feigned reluctance, but allowed me to persuade. Twenty minutes later we sat outdoors on the Sunset Bar (snip)

You can read more here. This book earned 4.1 stars on Amazon. The writing and voice are high-level. I enjoyed the short sentences, a nice, quick pace. All the talk about murder and bullets does a good job of setting us to expect conflict and murder to come. It almost seems like Carly is the one who is to shoot the narrator (she is, but only rhetorically). So, good story questions raised, its crime novel bona fides well established. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The title and author name are done well, but that image? It looks more like a stroll, not a hunt. What does it tell us about the book? That there’s a woman involved. That’s it. No hint of conflict or action. It would have been better all black with just a gun sight. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1130 for M.C. — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

M.C. sends the prologue for Chrysalis. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.

In the aftermath of Watergate, and at the direction of then-Director of the CIA Richard Helms, the majority of the records pertaining to MKUltra were destroyed in 1973. In spite of that action, four years later Freedom of Information Act requests were able to “follow the money” to approximately fifteen thousand declassified financial documents which had accidentally escaped destruction. These records documented that at least eighty institutions—including pharmaceutical companies, research foundations, institutions of higher education, hospitals, and clinics—along with approximately one hundred eighty-five researchers in both the United States and Canada, many of whom did not know where the funding for their research originated, were inadvertently providing their results to the CIA.

Funded projects included, but were not limited to, research into torture; drugs; physical, sexual, and emotional abuse; sleep deprivation; electronic stimulation; isolation; and hypnotism. Many of the projects involved experimenting on military personnel and civilians, both children and adults, without their knowledge or consent. Current U.S. policies regarding the necessity of informed consent from research subjects were developed as a direct result of the discovery of these post-Nuremberg human rights violations, which occurred on North American soil.

One of MKUltra’s projects—the one called “Monarch,” along with its many subprojects—focused its research on ways the United States could more successfully interrogate other nationals, (snip)

Ah, there’s nothing like a good, solid, meaty info dump to suck me into a story. Even better, the second paragraph offers a long list! Who needs story? I looked further, though, and found this at the start of the first chapter . . .

All of my perpetrators are dead.

I didn’t kill them, in case you’re wondering. I’m just telling you that on the front end because I’d be wondering about it, myself, if someone said that to me. I didn’t get to enjoy any type of closure or revenge—like personally choking the life out of them, or centering them in the crosshairs and experiencing the pull of the trigger, or plunging a knife in them as far as I could get it to go—maybe even more than once, if I could—or anything equally satisfying, even though many times I would’ve liked to. Some days, I still would. Their being dead is important to the story because it makes the telling of it possible. If they’d lived, I’m sure I’d be the one in the grave by now instead.

I grew up within spitting distance of a tiny speck-in-the-road known as Bumblebee. It always seemed to me that a more accurate name would’ve been Honeybee, since the name referred to the millions of inhabitants of a nearby three-acre stand of woods that burned down long before the town sprang up. The forest had grown back, eventually, so that by the time I came along there was new growth scattered in among the ancient tree trunks still standing where they had once reigned majestically over what became the town. Everyone from miles around went to those woods to gather their honey from the hives hidden in the charred and hollowed-out tree carcasses, or else they bought their honey from someone else, who did. Anyway, the name of the town had been decided on a lifetime before I was born and I never did find out why. Maybe it was because whoever (snip)

That first paragraph is enough to provoke a page-turn for me. Good voice, interesting hints at story. Unfortunately, the narrative descends into more info dump, long background stuff on the town and the family. Give me more of what the opening paragraph promises, weave the rest in as needed. This writer needs to put story first.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2015 by M.C. Nelson.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a BookBubber 315 Hayley Stone—character and story questions begin the dance

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first-chapter opening from Make Me No Grave: A Weird West Novel. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Almena Guillory corkscrewed in the middle of the room, turning round and around and around, drawing out some stubborn thought. I asked her to sit down, please, weren’t no sense in her wearing herself out like this before we’d even reached the courthouse. She told me to go to hell.

“Already been, ma’am. Spent a summer once in Texas.”

I hoped the joke would cheer her. To tell the truth, I was troubled by the indignity of the scene. Guillory was the Grizzly—or was it gristly?—Queen of the West. That was what people took to calling her, anyway, but she didn’t look like any bear I ever saw. She wore the sun in her skin, arms just starting to freckle. Her brown hair was falling out of her high-crowned hat in stocky strands, and her lips were cracked hardpan. Every now and again, I noticed blood weeping from the crevices. Sort of wished I could do something for the lady. Criminal or no, I felt sorry for her.

“He’ll come for me, Marshal,” she said. It was the same tired refrain she’d been at for the past few hours. Since being holed up in this here little hotel room, she hadn’t said much. Cursed some. And continued insisting he was coming. Some lover, by my guess.

“I’m not sure who you mean,” I replied. “Ain’t nobody coming to free you, Miss Guillory.”

You can read more here. This book earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. It was the cover that first attracted me on the BookBub page, but more on that later. This opening does several things pretty well: it establishes a likeable character in the Marshal, who cares for the prisoner’s well-being. It introduces conflict now and to come—she being a prisoner and saying that someone will come for her, ostensibly to free her, and the Marshal is bound to stop that. Will he? What’s going to happen next? Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The bold red with the silhouetted slender western woman with a gun is eye-catching. It communicates its Western nature immediately, and there’s mystery (questions) raised by the illustration, with the gun promising conflict and action. Works for me, though the author's name needs to be much stronger. I'd put it in the dark area at the bottom, twice the size. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 314 Morgan RIce—Good start dwindles under info overload

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first-chapter opening from Realm of Dragons. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

King Godwin III of the Northern Kingdom had seen many things in his time. He’d seen the march of armies and the working of magic, but right now he could only stare at the body of the creature that lay before him, prostrate and unmoving on the grass, its bones and its scales lending a sense of impossibility to the moment in the evening light.

The king dismounted his horse, which was refusing to get any closer, whether because of what the creature was, or simply where they were. They’d ridden more than a day south of Royalsport, so that the roar of the Slate River was just a few dozen yards away, the land of his kingdom dropping away into those roaring, steely, violent waters. Beyond it, there might be watchers staring out from the south, even across its vast width. Godwin hoped not, and not just because he and the others were so far from home, open to any who could get over the bridges between the kingdoms. He didn’t want them seeing this.

King Godwin stepped forward, while around him the small crowd that had come with him tried to work out whether they should do the same. There weren’t many of them, because this… this wasn’t something he was sure he wanted people to see. His eldest son, Rodry, was there, twenty-three and looking like the man Godwin had once been, tall and powerfully built, with light hair shaved at the temples so it wouldn’t obscure his swordsmanship, in the one reminder of his mother. Rodry’s brothers, Vars and Greave, were still at home, neither the kind

You can read more here. This book earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. This started well for me. The first two paragraphs delivered information but also a hint of jeopardy near at hand. Dead dragons are always interesting. But then the author abandoned story for info-dumping. This is not the time for the character, or the reader, to be musing on his oldest son’s haircut or the nature of other children. It’s the time for something to HAPPEN. Doesn’t happen here. A editor might be able to save this, but it would take some work. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

There’s one good thing about this cover, a second passable thing, and one that sucks. The image of the dragon is cool. The title is at least legible, but it has no character. And the author’s name is virtually invisible—what were they thinking? Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 313 Dave Sinclair—engaging action

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the prologue from Kiss My Assassin. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The rear wheels of the Mercedes slid, and Mohamed fought the wheel to avoid crashing into a traffic island. He retained control, but only just. The rain-drenched streets of London were eerily empty at this hour. As the car sped through the deserted streets, Mohamed wiped the ever-building sweat from his brow and tried to calm his hyperventilating breaths.

He shouldn’t be here. He should be at home, tucked in bed beside his wife. Instead, he raced dawn’s rise to do the unthinkable. How had events spiralled so far out of control? Only hours before he’d been celebrating the triumph of his career. Now he was ruined. Dishonoured. A criminal.

Fighting for control of the vehicle, Mohamed took the turn onto The Mall at speed. The new-model Mercedes did its best to counter his erratic steering, but technology could only assist so much. The car fishtailed unsteadily before righting itself. He was driving too fast. He knew that. But he couldn’t slow down, not with the cargo he had. Not with what was at stake.

Speeding through a red light at Whitehall, Mohamed saw the towering Houses of Parliament and Big Ben loom before him. This country was so proud of their hallowed bastion of democracy. It stood immovable and regal. It was in stark contrast to what would happen if he were discovered. His own country would fall apart like a house of cards. He could not let that transpire.

You can read more here. This book earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. There are definitely story questions being raised. The writing is good enough, and the action lets us know that there’s more ahead. One little addition would help nail the turnability of this page: including the fact that there’s a body in the trunk of his car. it could have been added here:

A criminal. With a body in the boot of his car.

Your thoughts?

Cover critique

This is a strong cover. The dramatic red and black put it solidly in the thriller genre. So does the guy with a gun. The title treatment is powerful, and the author name nicely visible. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1129 for Doriela — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Doriela sends the opening chapter for Larem. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.

In a dream of mine, there lived a man with no name. I'm sure he very much had a name that was his, and was called it by someone who loved him. He came and went as he pleased: stood in doorways of castles whose towers had crumbled; perched on the edge of cliffs watching as I jumped; sat next to me on trains that sped past fields of yellow.

I never spoke to him – the Eyelash Man from my dreams.

Sleep.

I heard the sound of trickling water before spotting the steady stream trailing over the rocks beneath my feet, then over my feet.

Bending down to pick up a stone in my hand, turning it with my fingers, feeling the coarseness of it, the strength of it, and how very still it was. I controlled it, it couldn't move without me alone picking it up and now placing it back down among its friends, and I did so tenderly. Occasionally the water that flowed over the stone moved a pebble or two around it.

The river was low, I noticed, standing in the middle of the stream, the sides flanked by jagged rocky cliffs, the greenery above looking down at me with envy. I, close to the water.

Another rock caught my fancy, the same size as the first fitting perfectly in the palm of my hand, yet this one sparkled. Like a bright blue of a peacock feather with drops of glitter making it irresistible to touch.

I’m sure you’ve heard this before: don’t start your novel with a dream. I tried it once. Abandoned it after several drafts. This opening, with its dream, has some lovely, evocative description. Unfortunately, the description, and the dream, is about picking up rocks in a stream. A peaceful stream. Oh, that could change on the next page, but there’s no real tension here to provoke me to read on. Besides, so what if something bad happens in a dream? It’s just a dream. It’s not the real story.

In reading on, the dreams are important to the character, but I didn’t learn why. This opening one did not impact story. In terms of tension, there is the character receiving a diamond necklace from her grandmother which, unfortunately, does not seem like a problem, at least at the time.

There’s good writing here, but I didn’t see much in the way of story. Look over the checklist. Not only should your opening page have some of those elements, especially story questions, the rest of the chapter should as well. Find a point of tension, of trouble, and start there. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Doriela.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1128 for Warren — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Warren sends the opening chapter for Operation Skye. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.

Deceptions were necessary to increase the likelihood of success of all Allied operations in WWII by fooling the Germans so they were in the wrong place or reacted at the wrong time.

Maintaining the Operation Skye deception, her life-style, in fact the destiny of the free world, depended upon spoiled royal Lady Anne Elizabeth Fitzhugh-Howard, 14th Lady Herries of Terregles, Baroness Cowdrey of Tonbridge. She had to prevent a hardened German spy, Kapitänleutnant Tomas Weber, from informing the German Army High Command he had pierced the maintenance, discovered it to be a deception.

She could do so only at the risk of her life. Would she do it? Could she do it?

Germany knew an invasion was coming in 1944, expected in June an assault of Norway by a huge Allied army in Scotland. It required information to counter the offensive, so the Abwehr, the German intelligence agency, gathered some. Germany had difficulty getting unintercepted reconnaissance planes as far north as Scotland, so it relied upon information from spies and upon intercepts of radio messages between the British 4th Army and its units in Scotland, Northern Ireland, and Iceland.

But ...

There were no army units, the wireless traffic was bogus, all the spies were double agents working for the British. The entire endeavor, code named Operation Skye, was a masterful fraud (snip)

This is pretty much an info dump designed to educate the reader . . . and NOT to tell a story. It reads like a history lesson. It’s not that there aren’t story possibilities in this chapter – here is an alternate opening page from later on. There’s a poll.

"Do not come any closer!" Anne screamed as Tomas threw open the door of the sheep farmer's cottage, filling the door frame. Her heart pounding out of her chest as she faced her husband. The wind howled and thunder clapped, rattling the windows. Low clouds raced across a steel gray Scottish sky, and rain came down in sheets, darkening the day. Faint light filtered through two curtain-less, dirt-smudged windows. A dying fire and a coal oil lamp on the table in the middle of the room provided dim, flickering light.

Tomas came to a standstill ten feet from her, smiled, raised his hands to show he had no weapon.

"I knew you would try to disrupt my efforts," she managed to force out of her dry mouth.

"Tut-tut, my dear," he scoffed, his voice light, "there is no need for such dramatics." Then, in a stern voice snarled, "I have indulged you, but I am afraid my patience is at an end."

He stepped toward her.

"STOP!"

He halted. "I have spared you because you are my wife, and I love you. I do not want to hurt you, but I will if you persist in impeding my mission. I must tell General Falkenhorst of this deception."

"Love me? How can you love me and be against everything I hold dear? I have been . . .

She has a gun and shoots him, but he counterattacks with a knife and then . . . You ask me, I’d start the story here. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Warren.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1127 for Pam — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Pam takes a second run at her opening page for Plans to Belong. The first version is here. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.

What a surreal day. Malia Hudson embraced her old roommate, Sara at a Maui park. Seated at a picnic table, Malia’s voice cracked. “It’s great to see you after so long.”

“Welcome home, Malia. How was the job interview? Did you get hired?”

Shaded by the palms with trade winds blowing her hair behind her shoulders, Malia glanced downward, her voice soft. “I did.”

Sara tilted her head. “You don’t sound too happy about it. What’s up?”

Malia’s eye twitched. “I’m thrilled to have an environmental interior designer job. None too soon, with my college bills soaring and cash dwindling.” She drew in a breath. “But there’s a new manager. He said my designing is for the interior. No environmental concerns. If there’s a sacred area, it’s desecrated. I guess profit comes first. Yet mainland corporate accepted my environmental credentials for the position. My gut says something’s shifted all of a sudden. So now it’s choosing a paycheck and disrespecting Hawaiian values or not. I’ll check into it soon.”

“For starters, doesn’t he realize there’s even a law against billboards in Hawaii for aesthetic reasons? Can you work for such a development company?”

Malia rubbed the knot in her neck. “Maybe I’ll check with corporate HQ if necessary, but I know the manger wouldn’t like it. He might consider it insubordination. I’m on probation. I (snip)

I came across this on a post by David Corbett today at Writer Unboxed:

Novelist Les Edgerton once remarked that all stories are about one thing: trouble.

The protagonist here anticipates difficulties (they don’t seem to me to rise to the level of “trouble”) ahead for her, but there are no stakes involved, and it doesn’t seem personal. Much of this page is exposition with a little info-dumping for seasoning. I read ahead, and the first hint of actual trouble that might directly affect the protagonist comes at the very end. I think the story starts somewhere later. Try to find that point when trouble upsets her applecart and then weave in relevant background info as things happen. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Pam.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.