Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the prologue for The Pumpkin Seed Massacre, a mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
The owl winged noiselessly across the moon’s path and settled on a pine bough above his head. He didn’t look up. He knew the owl was there and knew its meaning. Death. His sweat evaporated in the dry, high-altitude crispness of the New Mexico night. Atop the mesa, a fire kept him from chilling. He stared at the bright flames and didn’t try to keep his mind from straying to what was wrong.
This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. He couldn’t sleep and, like tonight, would take long walks calling upon the spirits to give him guidance. But they had deserted him. No longer did he feel their presence, their support. Yet, the answer was clear. He knew what he had to do. Much rested on his shoulders—responsibility, duty—but weren’t they the same? Wasn’t the future of the Tewa village in his hands? Someone who could assure all of a better life?
He put another cedar log on the fire; the orange warmth made his skin glow bronze. Then he untied the laces of his new Adidas, and pushed off first one shoe and then the other and rubbed his aching arches. Stripped to the waist, he wore designer jeans pleated below his black leather belt studded with buffalo nickels. But tonight he couldn’t take pleasure in his clothes.
He sat back against a granite outcropping and let the fire warm the soles of his feet. He was beat. From his vantage point, he looked out over the Indian Pueblo. Wisps of wood smoke stood straight up in barely waving columns above the roofs. On this windless night, they acted as (snip)
This novel garnered 4.2 stars on Amazon. It’s encouraging to see strong writing in a self-published novel, and it often means a good story well told. We have that caliber of writing here, but I have issues with the storytelling.
It starts strong with the owl and its meaning of death—a good teaser promising trouble ahead. But my interest dimmed a little at the musing, but this went to character, so I read on. And then my interest began to flounder when we got into the character’s clothing, and it stopped when I got to the belt studded with nickels. For me, not a strong story element, and a promise of more overwriting ahead. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
I like this cover. It signals the desert, the Southwest, Native Americans. The title is strong, and the author’s name leads. The color, typography, and layout are attention-getting. For me, the cover is a stronger inducement to read than the prologue was. What do you think?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for Lake Ephemeral: A YA sci fi thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
Seven manors on overgrown estates stood watch around Lake Ephemeral. A leaning iron fence kept them in and away from any adventurous onlookers. Foliage grew monstrously tall and fantastical. Reeds and bulrushes rose like battalions around the lake’s edge, cloaked with purple capes of morning glory.
Half of the year, the lake was a bowl-shaped parkland, with stone statues of two children in its centre. But from April to September, rainfall drowned the park and turned it into a lake—and then the statues would disappear from view beneath the water. The lake was ephemeral, fed by yearly rains and a small underground river.
I came to this valley as an eleven-year-old orphan—returned to the place from which I’d been born. A place of which I had no memory. To meet a mother I’d never known I had.
At first, the valley seemed a wild place of wonder and liberty. The five children who lived here were free to do as they pleased. Children with intense eyes and wild hearts, including the boy with the wildest heart of all—Kite.
I no longer felt quite so alone, because I was like them. Because here, I could be free.
But Lake Ephemeral was not a paradise.
Carnivorous flowers grew here that were larger than a man—the people called them the coffin flower. It puzzled me that anyone would want to live in a place where such a plant had taken hold. Worse, I was soon to find that these people cultivated the coffin flowers. (snip)
This novel received 4.7 stars on Amazon. A clear and inviting voice and high-caliber writing add appeal to this opening page. While there is no direct “something wrong” here, the introduction of the carnivorous flowers leads me to think that there are hazards in this world for this sympathetic character, an orphan who yearns for freedom.
The page devotes itself to introducing an unusual world to us, but in the process raises mysteries and some story questions. Why was she an orphan? Can you be an orphan if there’s a mother? Why does she have no memory of this ephemeral place? What will happen to her now that she’s there? The combination of voice, world, and those questions earned a turn from me. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
I’m drawn by the title and the image—there’s a sense of jeopardy in the young woman up to her neck in what appears to be cold water. I also liked the use of an uncommon word, ephemeral. The only thing that could be stronger is, once again, the author’s name.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for <em>Bad Games</em>, part of a free trilogy. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
Patrick was fairly certain the white Pontiac was following them. Nothing to be too alarmed about on a country road with few detours, but still, he had that feeling.
When the Pontiac passed his silver Highlander at the first sign of a dotted lane, Patrick looked left. The driver looked back—longer than necessary.
Asshole.
And yet, a few miles later, it was the same white Pontiac that made Patrick stop for gas. Had the car not been parked next to one of the pumps at the battered station, Patrick would have driven past without even tapping the brakes. The place looked barren.
Will there be a confrontation with this guy if I stop?
Nah. There were no horns honked. No middle fingers given. Not even a tough-guy scowl during the long glance. The man simply passed him on a country road—and Patrick had been driving slowly. Alone, his right foot was usually a lead boot on the accelerator, but with his family in the car, Patrick was an old man behind the wheel. Besides, they needed gas. Who knew when they’d come upon another station out here?
He turned in and took the only other pump in front of the Pontiac. The metal tank was a beaten rectangle. It offered two grades: REGUL R and PR MIUM—vowels, Patrick mused, apparently being the preferred meal of the elements around here. He chose PR MIUM and began (snip)
This collection received 4.4 stars on Amazon. Unlike too many self-published novels, the writing is clear and effective. The voice is fine, and the scene is set well enough. The final element needed for a successful opening page is tension.
So a guy exchanges looks and nothing more with another driver. No consequences. It may be that the author is counting on us readers being trained to suspect the most innocuous of circumstances . . . but is that good enough? I don’t think so. There are no story questions raised here, and no clear conflict or issues that need to be dealt with.
I learned from the reviews that this is supposed to be horror/psychological suspense. For me, neither was signaled by this opening page. I read on, and the protagonist faces no problems in the opening chapter—the creepy part stars with chapter 2, way too late for me. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
The title works well and signals the suspense that ought to be inside. Once again, though, the author name fails to have the attention-getting stature it needs to help create a brand.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
In checking the BookBub site, I came across this offer of three free novels in the Emperor’s Edge series. I discovered them before I started writing critiques of BookBub authors. You be the judge, but I wanted to let you know that I absolutely enjoyed this steampunk science fiction series. Highly recommended.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for The Emperor’s Edge. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
Corporal Amaranthe Lokdon paced. Her short sword, night stick, and handcuffs bumped and clanked at her thighs with each impatient step. Enforcer Headquarters frowned down at her, an ominous gray cliff of a building that glowered at the neighborhood like a turkey vulture, except with less charisma.
Amaranthe drew her pocket watch and checked the time. Where was her partner?
At the soft squeak of boots on snow, she looked up. A narrow side street expelled a squat, burly man in enforcer grays. Morning light glinted against the large brass rank pins crowding his collar: four bars under two crossed swords, the mark of a district chief.
Amaranthe fought back a grimace and straightened, heels clicking together. The chief’s dark gaze latched onto her from beneath shaggy gray eyebrows that crashed in the middle when he scowled. He was scowling now.
She swallowed. “Good morning, Chief Gunarth.”
“Lokdon,” he growled. “Does the city pay you to loiter in front of headquarters? Because if the capital city of the Turgonian Empire, the most powerful nation in the world, pays its enforcers to loiter uselessly in front of my headquarters building, I’d think somebody would have mentioned it to me.”
Amaranthe opened her mouth to give him an obedient “yes, sir.” Or was it a “no, sir”? (snip)
This collection received 4.6 stars on Amazon. The writing is strong, the voice promises fun. As for tension here, there is some . . . the arrival of the boss and his scowl suggests trouble is on its way for Amaranthe. By the way, I thought what a dumb name for a female protagonist, but by the series end she had become one of my favorite characters. The other is her antagonistic fellow protagonist, the silent and deadly assassin, Sicarius.
Donald Maass, literary agent and writing coach, might call the tension on this first page “bridging tension.” A problem for a character that engages you and connects to the main story question later. And the implied sexism in this huge man glowering at a female officer is a factor in the story. While this first page may not have clear and serious consequences for this character, I can tell you that I greatly enjoyed all three novels, and went on to buy more in the series. Give it a look. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
Since this is a compilation of three novels, the “cover” isn’t a cover. I’d have the author name larger, though—this author has other excellent series that I’ve read.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for Resistance. a dystopian story. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
Usually, Anaiya feels nothing. Not the impact of her feet on the fractured bitumen surface; not the tingling of sweat at her nape; not the heavy thudding of her heart. Usually it all disappears into a kind of weightlessness – a nothingness that comes only with pure focus. With flow.
But tonight it’s different.
Her concentration fractures, thoughts of the Peacekeeper time trials pricking along the edges of her consciousness. Her times had been good, but her ranking had not shifted. Instead, the gap between second and first had seemed to lengthen. Solidify.
And with that had come an unfamiliar emotion: a hard, spiky insistence she could not shake. Even now, she feels it – an itch she cannot scratch, a cut that threatens to fester.
Distracted, she stumbles against the uneven road. Pain, sharp and insistent, blooms in her ankle and races up her calf. She winces, but does not cry out – Fire Elementals are bred to be hard.
Correcting her stride, she accelerates to make up for the error, frowning as tonight’s patrol partner pulls ahead. Niamh moves effortlessly, his speed a natural extension of the power within him. He is faster than her.
The pain in her ankle ratchets higher, growing in synchronicity with the spiky feeling at (snip)
This novel received 4.2 stars on Amazon. Good, clean writing and a clear voice get this page off to a good start. But then . . .
A paragraph tells us that an unfamiliar emotion comes, but doesn’t include the emotion that is being felt. It’s insistent, but what is it? She’s distracted by the emotion, but if we don’t know what it is, we can’t understand why it’s distracting. The distraction does cause something to go wrong, her ankle is hurt, but there are no consequences to the injury, either now or later. One more thing: she muses about the time trials, but we don’t know what they are or what success in them means. For me, too much is NOT included in this narrative for me to be involved in the character. No go. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
The cover image is interesting, though it didn’t have much meaning for me. But, for science fiction, why not? But the author’s name needs to be stronger, and there was plenty of room to have made it so. A “C” on the cover.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for Once a Soldier. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
Saved a lot of money on therapy bills the past couple of years by consulting my German shepherd mix—instead of driving to some bland office with a still life on the wall, telling an overeducated, under-experienced, credential-burdened wannabe doctor that my life was fucked, and paying his ludicrous fifty-minute fee, so that he could afford his yoga dues and his Vespa payment and his organic, local, blah blah blah cuisine, and perhaps even a cute little Argyle sweater for his seven-pound dog.
Not that my overexperienced, pissed-off, and jaded monkey mind had gotten me much of anywhere, but at least I wasn’t diving in the dirt anymore. The vineyard I’d planted and was currently meandering through had certainly been part of the healing, too.
I still had a lot to get done before the sun fell much farther. The temperature had already dropped fifteen degrees, though that was nothing out of the ordinary for the desert in the Columbia Valley of Eastern Washington. And that’s what it was: full-on desert. A lot of people don’t know that about Washington State. They think, Seattle and rain. Well, once you drive east over the Cascades about two hours from Seattle and get close to Yakima, you’re lucky if it rains. You’re in the desert. And I’m talking the coyotes, rattlesnakes, tumbleweeds, and dust devils-kind of desert.
It had been an especially hot May, and I welcomed the cool evening breeze and a dip into the low sixties. I could hear Roman coming up from behind, weaving his way through the rows of grapevines, as he loved to do. He caught up with me and nudged my leg with a dried-up cane left on the ground from (snip)
This novel received 4.8 stars on Amazon. The writing and voice are fine. But nothing is happening. Do I want to continue reading about nothing happening? Nope. This is info-dump setup, not a sound way to open a novel labeled “thriller,” IMO. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
The cover is okay—the image has mystery to it, and many will recognize the Space Needle in Seattle for the setting. The title treatment is unusual and eyecatching, and the author name is strong enough.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for Cobweb Bride, book one of a trilogy. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
He came to them in the heart of winter, asking for his Cobweb Bride.
He arrived everywhere, all at once. In one singular moment, he was seen, heard, felt, remembered. Some inhaled his decaying scent. Others bitterly tasted him.
And everyone recognized Death in one way or another, just before the world was suspended.
But Death’s human story began in Lethe, one of the three kingdoms of the Imperial Realm.
It was evening, and the city of Letheburg reposed in amber lantern lights and thickening blue shadows. At some point there had been a silence, a break in the howling of the wind, as the snow started to fall.
The silence preceded him.
Flakes of white glimmered through the frost-blurred glass of the myriad windows of the Winter Palace of Lethe. In moments the snowflakes turned into armies. They piled and compounded, stretched and distended into geometric symmetry. Folding into garlands of impossible gauze veils, they appeared at last to be the faint and vaporous spinnings of a sky-sized ice spider casting its web upon the world.
This fantasy received 4.1 stars on Amazon. Professional writing with an appropriate high-fantasy voice, this started well for me with the introduction of Death and his arrival. So far, so good.
I was with this until the last paragraph on the page, when the flowery language took a long detour to describe a snowfall. Tension died right there, and that makes me wonder if it foreshadows other dense pieces that make the story slow-walk. If that description had not been there, five better lines from the second page would have been included:
While the pallor and the darkness grew outside, Death was arriving within—inside a bedchamber permeated with illness, the boudoir of the old Queen.
In silence he formed out of the cobwebs of the gilded crown molding near the ceiling, the dust motes of desolation, and the fallen shadows in the corner. All these tiny bits and pieces of the mortal world rushed together to shape him.
Yep, with those lines on the first page I would have read on. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
The cover is so-so—the image of the woman’s face is dramatic and eye-catching, though it doesn’t promise much in the way of story. The author’s name is the loser on this cover—make it big and at least look like a best-selling author.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Jeff sends the first chapter of The Art Murders. The rest of the narrative is after the break.
Adam wondered if she would live until morning. He had dropped an excessive dose of Rohypnol and Valium into her cocktail, and while that alone probably wouldn't kill her—with the surprisingly cold water enveloping her body—the combination of muscle relaxants, sedatives and hypothermia should.
She had leaned heavily against him as they had walked slowly like tipsy lovers down West Broadway, just half a block from the bar, to this tiny, private park. Adam had planned it that way.
It had taken thirty minutes, maybe longer, to do his work. His capacity to sense and measure time passing was diminished when he was overtaken by the act of creation. He had experienced the transcendence of his handicap—the broken part of his nervous system—only a few times in life so far, all during the past few weeks. This was his fourth such experience, to be exact.
Adam stepped back, folded his arms across his chest, and admired his work. She looked almost perfect, her head and arms seeming to float above the water, while her body disappeared so gracefully into its depths. She had turned out to be an even better model than he had hoped. The dress he had found and sent to her was stunning: the silver-beaded bodice and filigree lace skirt, the way it fit her slim, long figure, and draped. How the silver sparkled above the water (snip)
Other than a few verb tense slips now and then (missing “had”), the writing is sound, as is the voice. We appear to be witnessing a murder in progress, so there are the required tension and murder mystery story questions raised. From that point of view, this works fairly well.
But, for me, I have to wonder at the story value of such an exhaustive (the rest of the chapter) dive into the mind of a sick serial killer. What story purpose is served by drenching the reader in the inner pleasures this person gets from objectifying and killing an innocent woman? Yes, I know this approach has been done over and over in serial killer novels, but I think it’s worthy to question the value.
I usually keep content out of my analyses and focus on just the storytelling. But, in this case, it seems to me that content affects the effectiveness of the storytelling here. Sure, there continues to be a market for creepy serial killer stories, but what is the worth of a scene that, from the killer's point of view, romanticizes the objectification and murder of a woman? While it may intrigue some readers, I suspect it turns off others.
This reader would have been perfectly happy with an opening that has the police investigating the scene—the posed woman, etc. (Although, the way the chapter goes, there is some doubt that the woman will die.) Your thoughts?
. . . line, and seemed to blur below it. Adam had demanded she wear the dress for their date; even so, he was surprised when he met her at the bar and saw how beautiful she looked in it. His plans had almost been derailed in that moment, but not quite.
The skin around her neck and face glowed. Warm, ambient city light filtered through the night, through ginkgo and locust trees fanning overhead, reflecting off the glassy water in the large, ornate fountain, in which she appeared to have fallen. Subtle hues of golden luminescence seemed to come from within her, from under her skin, even more exquisite than the artist's original oil colors, Adam thought. He would have to work very hard on that part when it was his turn in front of the canvas again.
He had spent more time with her in this secret place than he had allowed for in his plan. It was time to go. This composition was harder than he had anticipated; that is, getting her limp body—limp from all the drugs—propped up just right in the water. Positioning her hands had been the most difficult part. He had used molding clay and duct tape hidden in the palm of each of her long graceful hands, and fifty-pound fishing line to suspend her hands above the water. Stepping back, you couldn't see the lines.
Adam stood very still and stopped breathing while he looked at her for the last time. He framed the scene, mainlining the infinite and dense layers of color and form and sensory detail into his near-photographic memory. It was glorious—his best work ever, better than any sex, any god, any desire, better even than nothingness.
He wanted to stay with her, but he had to go. Adam picked up his Bloomingdale's shopping bag containing the duct tape and molding clay and other supplies, slipped his suit jacket back on, and exited quietly through a very tall iron gate, the only way in or out of the private park.
He closed and locked the gate behind him. He used an oversize skeleton key that Josh had given him—that Josh had presented to him with great fanfare at a gallery party years earlier. Josh rewarded artists he represented who exceeded $1,000,000 in sales for the gallery with a key, and the perk of access to his snooty building's private park. Adam had passed the $1,000,000 mark almost six years earlier, and now he was Josh's number-one producer in the gallery.
Adam had visited the tiny park a few times, attending boring, intimate parties Josh hosted for special clients, but it was rarely used otherwise. He had always regarded the big skeleton key and access to Josh's private New York park to be stupid, a perk of no real value, until tonight.
Pocketing the key, he walked slowly down the narrow alley between two of SoHo's famous cast-iron buildings, then turned onto the sidewalk, heading uptown.
He chose his suit for the date tonight carefully. He chose one he'd had tailored to match Cary Grant's suit from Notorious—the one he's wearing when Ingrid Bergman drinks her last cocktail after the party. Adam's is dark blue, constructed of luxurious lightweight fabric from Italy, the same sources Brioni uses. His tailor argued but Adam had insisted on the wide lapels, a perfect copy of Cary Grant's, down to the matching silk handkerchief peeking out of the breast pocket of his jacket.
It was nearly midnight but one of those hot summertime nights when everyone was still out and about on the street—the cafes were overflowing, the bars noisy. Adam walked, gently swinging the Bloomingdale's bag, not making eye contact with anybody, just another tired New Yorker finally going home.
He turned west on Houston Street just as several sirens began to converge, wailing above the normal din of traffic, getting closer. Two and then three NYPD Ford Police Interceptors appeared down Houston, red-and-blue lights blinking fast, ripping down the wide street from the east, blaring and popping their rumbler sirens—leaving rubber on the pavement as they drifted around the corner too fast onto West Broadway.
Oh, shit.
Adam watched the speeding cop cars go by with other locals at the corner, but he knew things they didn't. He was pretty sure he knew where the cops were headed.
He continued walking west, head down, but did not quicken his pace.
This changes everything. Time for Plan B. What had the cops found? What mistake had he made? Today? Yesterday? Last week? Adam rewound his brain's memory banks through the many painstaking steps of preparation for tonight, but could not pinpoint his lapse. It was something he did. Or didn't do. Much had happened during the past six weeks. There were too many possibilities, too many risks.
Where was he going? If the cops had figured out the location—surely they were headed for the private park—they must know his identity. Right? They would put it all together. They would find everything. He couldn't go home.
The blocks were long, streetlights bright. Being around more people would be better. Bleecker Street will be hopping. Adam navigated northwest up Bedford Street toward the Village.
Right now it didn't matter how or why. He had miraculously slipped out of his masterpiece and away from that little park just minutes before the cops got there. They must have found her. They were probably pulling her body out of the water now. Maybe she would live after all.
He had to find a place off the street where he could be alone, hole up for a while beyond the reach of video surveillance cameras and cops. Adam kept his head down and turned the collar of his jacket up, hunching his shoulders higher as well, lifting the jacket to better cover his neck and face as he walked.
At the corner of 7th Avenue the blip-blip of a siren announced a police cruiser behind him. Adam turned on cue—as if he had finally reached his destination—into the Village Tavern on the corner, which was crowded with patrons, mostly men looking for men, pumping to an electronic beat. As soon as the cruiser passed by Adam turned back around into the street and proceeded across.
While his gait seemed to slow in the crosswalk his mind was racing. Where could he go? Who did he know? He needed to find a place they couldn't trace him to, or find through his address book, or any known contacts. Adam didn't have his phone with him, for obvious reasons. He projected a mental map of the Village, of the meat-packing district, the cross-streets all heading for the river. He headed for the river.
And then he remembered. It had been a warm night just like this. Two years ago? July. Roger. Roger with the white hair and affected style, gold necklace, very tan like he had just flown back from Miami, another rich art collector. He had tried to fondle Adam's leg while they sat together on the piano bench. It was a lavish party that Josh had begged Adam to attend, in a gorgeous penthouse apartment with very high ceilings, jammed with well-dressed socialites maneuvering among huge glass vases of cut flowers. Roger had acquired two original Adam Walker paintings that hung on prominent walls, part of an extensive art collection, Adam recalled. And Roger lived alone—except perhaps for the occasional gigolo who spent the night—occupying the top floor in a building on West 10th Street.
Across from the Church of St. Veronica, the brick-and-stone Empire style box of a building was leased mostly to import/export and professional services companies, and retail space on the ground level. Only one residence, one penthouse at the top. No doorman.
Adam set the Bloomingdale's bag out of view, he loosened his tie, unbuttoned the top button of his shirt, roughed up his hair on the sides and top, then leaned in toward the camera lens above the intercom box next to the glass entrance door and pressed the button for Roger Smith in 6A.
It was after midnight. No sirens. Adam focused. Please be there.
After a long wait, "Hello?" The voice was scratchy.
"Roger, is that you? I can't see you. I hope you remember me." Adam reached up and raked his fingers through his hair, smoothing it out so he would appear more presentable. "Roger, I'm the artist—"
"Of course I know you, Walker, I have—" A pause. "What're you—"
"Rog-er," Adam interrupted in a relieved, imploring tone, exhaling the second syllable of his name. "I need your help. I'm so sorry to bother you so late."
Adam gestured for the intercom camera and then got animated. "I was mugged! Just now. I was interviewing this photographer guy. I was headed back home. And, out of nowhere, bang! Hit me in the back of the head. Two of them. They took my wallet, and my phone." He let his face droop slowly down, modulating the eyes, showing signs of fatigue, a slow blink, the victim. "Can I please come in and use your phone?"
"Umm," Roger's voice said.
Adam looked toward the glass door then back to the intercom camera, bringing his hands and palms together in front of his chest. "Please. I'll just be a minute."
Five long seconds later the entrance door lock buzzed. Adam waved to the camera, picked up his shopping bag, pulled open the glass door, and stepped inside the vacant lobby.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A shout-out for Things Too Big to Name
The author, a terrific writer and editor named Molly Best Tinsley, is a colleague and a client—I design book covers and interiors for her publishing company, Fuze Publishing.
Ordinarily, I don’t read the books I design—it just takes too much time. But Molly and I exchanged beta reads of novels, and my treat was to read this one. I recommend you check it out, it’s a great read by a high-level author. The website page is here, Amazon pages here.
In the tradition of FtQ, here is the first page.
For the record, I am not a violent person, I announced to the empty corridor. All night going over my speech, and I started spilling it before I got in the room.
Behind me, the tight-lipped, tight-permed guard gave one last push, and I was through the doorway, staring at a blank wall. Some trouble catching my breath.
Forced eyes right: pelt of black, garbled hair and fleshy male, young enough to be my son, if I had one. He sat behind a table looking uneasy, but maybe I was projecting.
I flexed a smile. I do not make a practice of intentionally inflicting harm on other living beings, I said. (Voice squeaked.) I’m not counting the occasional pest from the lower orders—insects, arachnids, slugs. They have their world. I think I have the right to remove them from mine.
His dense eyebrows jumped a little, but no return smile. He pointed me to a seat opposite.
I slid into it, delivered my finale: I would like to convey my gratitude to your employers for my private room. However, you might want to reassure whoever orders that person to disturb me every half hour: if I were going to commit self-harm, I would have done so a long time ago.
He sat there, head bobbing on a wad of neck. Heavier than he should be, candidate for Type II diabetes any minute. I’ve got him to thank for this pen and paper, but if I had, he might have guessed I’ve got my own plans for their use.
To turn the page, click here. This opening page introduces (for me) a unique and interesting character. Story questions arise, created first by the protestations about not being violent. And then we can wonder to what use the pen and paper are going to be put. And the fact that she's being guarded makes it clear that something has gone wrong, something she needs to deal with.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for Better Off Wed (Annabelle Archer Wedding Planner Mystery Book 1). A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
Planning a wedding can be murder. Planning weddings for a living is nothing short of suicide.
“Is there a patron saint for wedding consultants? Because I think after this wedding, I just might meet the requirements.” I stood near the top of the wide marble staircase that swept down the middle of the Corcoran Gallery of Art’s central foyer. Below me, dozens of tuxedo-clad waiters scurried around the enormous hall filled end to end with tables and gold ladder-backed chairs. After having draped ivory chiffon into swags on all forty tables, I massaged the red indentations left on my fingers by the heavy pins.
“Annabelle, darling, I may be a lapsed Catholic, but I’m pretty sure you have to be dead to qualify for sainthood.” Richard Gerard had been one of my closest friends since I arrived in Washington, DC three years ago and started Wedding Belles. At the time he’d been the only top caterer who’d bother talking to a new wedding planner. Now I worked with him almost exclusively.
“The wedding isn’t over yet.”
“At least your suffering hasn’t been in vain.” Richard motioned at the room below us. “It’s divine.”
The museum’s enormous hall did look magical. The side railings of the staircase were (snip)
This cozy mystery received 4.5 stars on Amazon and an Agatha Award for best first novel. Right off, this narrative benefits from good, clear writing and an inviting voice. But, alas, there’s no tension. Yes, the opening sentence teases us with “murder” and “suicide,” but that quickly goes away. There are no story questions raised. Even if this is a cozy, how about getting the murder up front? The murdered person is the mother of the bride, found dead at the end of the chapter—and it should be the beginning. Setup kills this opening for me. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
I like this cover. The art is bold and eye-catching, yet feminine, and I’m pretty sure the main market for cozy mysteries is women. The wedding theme is accentuated, and murder is signaled by the knife dripping blood into a blood-red title. The typography works well, too, with a clear title and a large presentation of the author name.
The owl winged noiselessly across the moon’s path and settled on a pine bough above his head. He didn’t look up. He knew the owl was there and knew its meaning. Death. His sweat evaporated in the dry, high-altitude crispness of the New Mexico night. Atop the mesa, a fire kept him from chilling. He stared at the bright flames and didn’t try to keep his mind from straying to what was wrong.