In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here are the first 17 lines of the opening pages for Perimeter, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.
TO: Bradley Hinshaw, Deputy Director - CIA
SUBJ: NARA Query Response – Broken Arrow
A search of the Central Records System has not found any evidence of Broken Arrow incidents over the Mediterranean within the last sixty years. However, there was a match to your search parameters in the National Archives. I’ve attached a scan of an unclassified memo from the JCAE.
Sincerely,
Kaitlyn Shaw Archives Technician (3A)
Joint Committee on Atomic Energy
Washington 25, D.C.
March 28, 1956
Honorable Carl Walske
Assistant to the Secretary (Atomic Energy)
Department of Defense
Washington, D.C.
Dear Dr. Walske:
I am forwarding three copies of the transcript of the executive session before the Joint (snip)
You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. Seems to me that unless you know what “Broken Arrow” means, all this use of narrative for addresses and titles and memo text isn’t going to grab your attention. I think summary would work much better and get us to story quicker. Here’s the good stuff that came at the top of page two;
. . . an Air Force B-47 went missing somewhere over or near the Mediterranean Sea.
It has been confirmed that the aforementioned aircraft was loaded at MacDill AFB, Florida, with two Mark 15 nuclear capsules.
Now there’s something to keep you moving. Your thoughts?
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
</blockquote
At 48 years old, I am about half the age I thought I would be when my life would come to its end. I always thought I’d be like my favorite author, May Sarton, who was tending roses and humming in her garden well into her eighties. But these imaginings disappeared in the instant my oncologist looked up from the results of my MRI and took a deep breath. In the span of that inhalation, I knew my life was over. After a two-year battle fighting the cancer that had started in my breasts, the disease had sent its malignant forces to my liver to deliver a final, fatal blow.
I was sorry that the doctor had to be the messenger of death because I had grown to love this ex-flower child with the gray hair down past her shoulders and a different colored pair of Birkenstocks each day. In a way, we were kindred spirits. When she told me the news, the pallor of her face and the puffiness under her eyes made it clear that she hated losing this fight, but more than that, she seemed heartsick that of all of her patients, I was the one who had pulled the short straw this time.
She predicted that I would have about six months to live, but my gut told me I’d be lucky to live another sixty days, at most. Our meeting was over in less than ten minutes, because without any viable treatments to discuss, what else was there to say?
I thanked the doctor for her kindness, and she hugged me, something she had never done (snip)
The voice is appealing, and the writing strong. This is clearly the inciting incident, the moment when something goes badly wrong in this person’s life. The story question “How will she deal with this death sentence?” is, for me, a strong one. What is it like to live your life when this happens? Do you change things? Get out the bucket list? I did want to read more. Your thoughts?
Please consider buying The Summer Boy and giving it a review. What readers say:
"The tension begins on page one and escalates, breathlessly, until the final, deadly confrontation. There are no slow parts, no boring middle, just a steady ratcheting of the stakes for these believable, likeable characters."
"A darn good read. Pacing was good, story questions abounded, tension was always present, ebbing and flowing and keeping the reader off guard. "
"His story of a young man and woman discovering who they are and what they're capable of is consistently full of heart and humor. The journey he takes his readers on is thrilling and an absolute joy to read. "
"Ray gives us a murder mystery, a teen romance, and a coming-of-age story, all woven together with effortless skill. "
"I read this book in two days. I had to find out who the murderer was, how the young lovers survived, and how the various characters were going to deal with all the triumphs and adversities of their summer. It's a tale of friendship (the long-lasting kind), love, hatred, deceit - all told through the lens of a long, hot Texas summer. I felt like I was right there with them, sweat and all, while trying to do the right thing and grow up all at the same time. Highly recommend it for a good summer read."
A review from Australia: "This feels like old-style story telling to me, in the best way. No frills, no fuss - just lean, spare writing that paints a clear, strong picture of a time and a place. Ray Rhamey's characters come alive on the page and the story draws you in with its many facets - romance, murder, philosophy. A nice way to spend an afternoon. "
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of The Stranger Next Door. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.
After
My stomach heaved. I coughed, hacking up smoke and soot, wheezing with the effort, my eyes watering in protest as the first body bag was zipped and tagged. The paramedics didn’t look at me. I wasn’t hurt. Not badly. I heaved again.
The stretcher caught on the kerb, the wheels snagging, lurching to the left before righting itself. The paramedics yanked it free, cursing as they pulled it on to the road.
Smoke billowed from the rear of the house. The firefighters ran in and out, unpacking more equipment, rolling hoses across the front lawn, shouting at each other with controlled urgency. The noise swept over me. I couldn’t process it. Just another wave of chaos.
I resisted the urge to run to the ambulance, to jump inside and beg. My legs were frozen, rooted to the ground. The grief was overwhelming; the relentless build-up of the last few weeks seizing my every muscle.
A second stretcher appeared, a second body bag, wheeled more carefully, missing the kerb. The paramedics lifted this one easily into the vehicle. The bile caught in my throat this time. I coughed again, my saliva thick with ash.
How did it come to this? How could it? This was my house, my family, destroyed by reasons too hurtful to contemplate. I sank to the ground, hugging my knees to my chest, thoughts spinning with pain as the shivers took me.
You can read more here. This earned 4 stars on Amazon. I failed to connect with the protagonist despite the clear trouble he/she is going through. After a little thought, I realized that it was the overwriting that stopped me. Eyes watering in protest, the extremely detailed description of how the stretcher (wouldn't it be a gurney?) lurched, etc. And what's with it being all in italics? I'm thinking that this is a prologue of sorts, even though it takes place after the events in the story. Not for me. Your thoughts?
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here are the first 17 lines of chapter 1 of The Beauty in Bucharest, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.
“I’ll just pull up front and drop you off,” Dan told his wife. “It’s raining and you’re too sweet to get wet. You’ll melt.”
It was early December in Denver and by all rights it should have been snowing. But a freak warm front had kept the temperature in the forties for the past several days and when the precipitation came, it did so in the form of a drenching rain.
Nicole smiled at his cheesy sentiment. “You weren’t worrying about me being wet when you joined me in the shower this morning,” she said, her voice husky and teasing. Dan looked at his drop-dead gorgeous wife and wondered, probably for the ten-millionth time, what he’d done right to win her. The best explanation he’d ever heard was from a Buddhist friend who’d said he’d probably stored up a bunch of karma points in previous lifetimes.
He pulled Nicole’s Lexus into the fire zone in front of The Home Depot and stopped as close to the overhang as he could get.
“Thanks, honey,” Nicole said. She blew him a kiss, then jumped out and ran into the store.
Dan watched her all the way through the door, grinning as he marveled at her perfect butt, as well-formed at 41 as it had been when he’d first met her at 21, then looked for a parking space. Must be a big sale on nuts and bolts, he thought, seeing that the closest vacant space was (snip)
You can read more here. This earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. Unartful writing right away was off-putting for me. It’s in the second sentence when he tells his wife, who is in a car with him and can’t help but aware of the fact that it’s raining, that it’s raining. I say unartful because this is the author telling the reader that it’s raining. It’s an attempt at scene-setting, but it is not well done. How could it have been better?
”The rain will melt someone as sweet as you.”
See? That wasn’t so hard, and the line shows his care for her.
Beyond that, where are the story questions? Where is the tension? The page ends with him admiring his wife’s body. Not a bad thing, that, but hardly capable of making the reader want to wonder what will happen next.
The headline on the blurb on the book’s Amazon page is this:
What would you do if you found a body in the trunk of your wife’s car?
Were it me, I’d sure have him finding that body on the first page. Your thoughts?
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here are the first 17 lines of the prologue of Two Wrongs. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.
The lights on the Clifton Suspension Bridge are dazzling in the thin Bristolian rain. The woman walks across it all the time on her way to and from her shift cleaning at the Royal Infirmary and even though it is a notorious suicide spot she has never yet seen anyone fall. But there is a first time for everything and as she spots a young woman clutching the railings of the suicide fence, the thought zips through her mind: this might be the time.
She hears herself call out reflexively – Hey! The young woman clutching the fence looks her way and for an instant hope surges in the woman who has just come off shift until the younger woman, turning back to face the gorge, reaches out and begins to climb the fence. There is a terrible purpose in the way she moves. The woman who has just come off shift knows that whatever she does now could make the difference between life and death, and knowing that, sensing it, makes the hairs on her skin lift and her heart hammer and her legs surge forward.
Still the young woman clambers upwards.
‘Hey!’ The woman who has just come off shift feels her breath quit. She is so tired. It was a long day at work and she cleans the A&E department and there is always so much blood and grease and body fluids and so many cups and snack wrappers to clear up. She is accustomed to seeing bodies and knows what that three-second flight from the bridge through the air and into the water can do to flesh and bones.
You can read more here. This earned 3.9 stars on Amazon. There are good story questions here, but I found the writing to be so badly needing an edit that it killed my interest. Here are some brief notes:
The lights on the Clifton Suspension Bridge are dazzling in the thin Bristolian rain. The womanSondra walks across it all the time on her way to and from her shift cleaning at the Royal Infirmary. and, even though it is a notorious suicide spot, she has never yet seen anyone fall. But there is a first time for everything and as Ahead, she spots a young woman clutching the wire of a tall fence--the suicide fence. Giving characters a name makes them more real to the reader. She can't be touching the railing of the fence because later she has to climb the fence in order to jump. The railing would be at the top.</p>
<p>She hears herself calls out reflexively – Hey! The young woman clutching the fence looks her way, and for an instant hope surges in the woman who has just come off shift until the younger woman, turning back to face the gorge, reaches out and begins to climb the fence. There is a terrible purpose in the way she moves. The woman who has just come off shift knows that whatever she does now could make the difference between life and death, and knowing that, sensing it, makes the hairs on her skin lift and her heart hammers and her legs surge forward.This long, clumsy phrase is used to identify the character three times in just this first page. Not only is it long and clumsy and breaks up the narrative flow, it’s not needed—she soon identifies herself as “Sondra”—so why not use the name from the start instead of this mess? And is it just her legs that surge forward? What about the rest of her body?</p>
<p>Still the young woman clambers upwards. </p>
<p> ‘Hey!’ The woman who has just come off shift feels her breath quit. She is so tired. It was a long day at work and she cleans the A&E department and there is always so much blood and grease and body fluids and so many cups and snack wrappers to clear up. She is accustomed to seeing bodies and knows what that three-second flight from the bridge through the air and into the water can do to flesh and bones. This is no time for exposition and backstory.
There's more editing needed here, but I didn't want to take the time. I think the point has been made. Your thoughts?
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here are the first 17 lines of the prologue of Crown of Bones. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.
The Sanctuary bursts with children this time of year, untrained pups bounding through the halls, chasing their tails. They arrive full of hope, and why wouldn’t they? ’Tis no small feat to be marked by the Bone Throwers as having potential. The question is, how many among them will actually succeed?
I look over the training ground and sigh, knowing it will be far too few.
My group, for example, not a savant among them. “Enough!” I clap. “Break for lunch.”
They jump and cheer like a festival riot, and all I can do to remain calm is pinch the bridge of my nose. “Quiet. Midday silence will be observed.”
I’m about to wave them to the dining hall when shouting rings out from the other end of the field. A flash of light shoots as high as the watchtower. Dirt pummels down like rain. The ground cleaves apart, fracturing in tremors that echo up through my feet. A brilliant, cresting form, ever shifting, pushes free, its mouth open in an earsplitting screech. I stumble and cover my ears as the sheer power of it hits me.
“Stay here!”
I drop one knee to the ground and raise my phantom before taking off toward the chaos. From the earth bursts my phantom, C’sen, red sparks trailing from blue wings as it soars overhead. “Go!”
You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. Writing and voice are good, and this narrative doesn’t have obvious editing needs as far as the text is concerned. The narrator is sympathetic in the sense that he thinks of the children in affectionate terms, so that’s good. The eruption of a powerful something is clearly something going wrong, and the character is reacting.
I don’t know about this one—for some reason, it didn’t connect with me emotionally. Perhaps if there had been more of a clear sense of danger for the children I would be more eager. I did download it to see more, but not all on the basis of the prologue’s first page—Amazon blurbs do help. And it’s free. I would not have paid 99 cents based on this page alone. Your thoughts?
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Here are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of The Shadow Enclave. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.
Mitch Herron’s eyes flickered open for only a second before he squeezed them shut again. The fluorescent lighting was too harsh. It hurt.
His mind sifted multiple sensory inputs – the lighting, the gentle hum of machinery, the smell of disinfectant, the scratch of poor-quality bed sheets and the coppery taste of sleep – but none of it made sense.
It made no sense that he was still alive.
He lay on his back, drifting in and out of sleep, his body too weak to move. Time passed, but without a reference point he could’ve been there for minutes or hours or days or months. Any attempt to move exhausted him and when he tried to speak he produced an indecipherable mumble.
Nobody came to help him. He was adrift in an endless purgatory.
“Mitch! Wake up!”
It took Herron a second to process the voice whispering near his ear. He cracked his eyes open again, but it was like anvils were weighing down the lids and he drifted gently back to sleep.
“Mitch!” The female voice had been tentative before. Now it was urgent. “You need to wake up!”
You can read more here. This earned 4.6 stars on Amazon. If the task of a first page is to raise story questions, then this one succeeds. It’s clear that the protagonist is in a medical or hospital situation and in deep physical trouble. We wonder what’s wrong, and what will happen to him. That he thinks he should be dead adds to the level of story questions. And it sounds urgent that he wake up. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
The cover handles the title well, the photo adds a sense of mystery or action—the guy has a gun. But the treatment of the author’s name is wrong, wrong, wrong. I was not moved by the cover. Your thoughts?
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Cage sends the first chapter of The Union Laundress, historical fiction. The rest of the chapter is after the break.
A different approach today. I’m going to give you the first page of the manuscript and then a different way to open the story from later in the manuscript. The poll is about which makes the strongest opening. Thanks for helping this writer.
Alternative #1
By the second spring of the War of Northern Aggression, I’d not yet learned that he who controlled Winchester controlled the course of the war. It was a lesson I would come to know well.
In the beginning, General Jackson, quartering nearby, had protected us – shielding us from hostilities and enabling the patina of civility to endure. But in the winter of 1861 an immense enemy army under General Banks began to arrive, and by March Stonewall had been forced to leave. Left defenseless, we were occupied by the enemy for the first of what would be many times, and the patina began to wear away.
It was a benign experience as such things go. Confident they'd chased General Jackson from the Valley, the Yanks had kept mostly to themselves, spending every moment in vigilance in the forts, and other than the occasional jarring sight of Federals in the streets we hardly knew they were about. But General Jackson had not been chased away, and when he at last grew tired of the stench of bluecoats he attacked, driving the larger force to Kernstown, four miles south, where they finally stopped and turned to face him.
“There’s been a battle!” In time, we wouldn’t even need to hear the words; the distant heat-thunder rumble of artillery, the pealing of church bells announcement enough. In time, we would know that the mangled debris of that bloodletting was on its way to us, to Winchester. But (snip)
Alternative #2
“You there, dutchman!”
My heart started pounding. Irma’s grip on my hand tightened. My father looked at me. “Say nothing.” We turned to face a menacing group of soldiers arrayed on the plank sidewalk. Pa stepped forward, between the Yankee ruffians and us. “Well, hello! Sergeant Taylor, isn't it?”
“You owe me for that cookstove!” The speaker was short, not much taller than my father, but, red-faced with venom and surrounded by his henchmen, infinitely deadly.
A crowd was gathering. Pa turned to me. “Agatha, take Irma—”
“Shut up! I'm talking to you!” Stinking with alcohol, the Yank weaved as he scowled at my father. “You charged me ten dollars! The way I figure it that's five dollars too much!”
Pa nodded genially. “Why don't you come by later and we'll talk. We’ll have a drink or two…” He reached for Irma’s hand. “Come along, girls.”
“I'm done talking! Overcharging the army is a Federal offense. You're under arrest!” The soldiers seized my father, pushing Irma and me aside and sending our packages flying. Irma fled to safety behind a lady’s skirts as one of them, just a boy, shoved me. I tripped and fell, scraping my hands painfully. Furious, I scrambled to my feet and went after him, striking him with all my might. Surprised and uncertain what to do, he grabbed my arms and held them, dodging my kicks, as the others laughed. I couldn’t see Pa, hidden from my view by the protesting crowd, but (snip)
I think you can guess which opening I think is the strongest. While the historical part of historical fiction is a critical element, setting it all up on the first page doesn’t yield a grabber. The historical information that’s necessary can be taken from the exposition in alternative #1 and woven into the story that starts with alternative #2 as things happen. I’ve done the same kind of thing with one of my novels, and I know you can do it. Comments, anyone? It would help the writer to hear why you made the choice you did.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Cage sends the first chapter of Blackened Rose. The rest of the chapter is after the break.
Dull streetlight backlit the scene, and the low wattage wall sconces presented Black as a silhouette, a shade within the darkness, a deeper shadow. Something to fear. He liked to let people know who they were dealing with, and the light play was a clear reminder of what he represented.
This time, the lack of light annoyed him and revealed nothing of his visitor’s features.
Petite. A touch of belligerence in the stiff neck and clenched hands. Cotton gloves. A skin condition?
What she wanted was a little thing, specific. Find who ratted on her dad. Which was not what Black did. People called Black in to fix problems, not investigate. He was the last stage in the game. Not a player, an end-game move to wipe the board clean.
What would this young woman know of his world, the underbelly of society?
Black nodded as she spoke, observed her with all his senses. He created a gentle probe, an unseen representation of an open-palmed hand to caress the edges of her energy field, and floated it toward her. It ground to a halt at the outer shell, a long way from the physical outline.
She presented like a real person, but the lack of affect was an anomaly. The external presentation of a warm and sensual being was less substantial than the shadows from the play (snip)
The writing is fine (except for the repetition of “presented”). The narrative subtly lets us know that Black has some sort of extrasensory ability, perhaps telepathy. For a scifi reader like me, that’s a good thing.
But what about story questions? There’s no real tension here, no action that jeopardizes anyone. The narrator isn’t called upon to do something to prevent trouble to himself. Perhaps his thinking that this isn’t his usual gig is a low-key promise of complications ahead, but it’s pretty low. I think that the taste of extrasensory powers and a solid voice could be enough to get a page turn . . . or not. As I write this, I’m not sure where I come out. I do wish there was a clear story question that concerned trouble for Black. Your thoughts?