Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 330 Sandy Williams—Romance curdles sci-fi opening

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first chapter opening from Shades of Treason. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

When Commander Rhys “Rest in Peace” Rykus walked back into her life, Ash smiled because she knew it would piss him off. He was an intimidating SOB, always had been, and it took an effort not to give in to habit and stand to salute him. It helped, of course, that her wrists were shackled to the arms of her chair.

Rykus didn’t say anything when he entered her stale-aired prison, so Ash echoed his silence. The room’s low ceiling accentuated his height and broad shoulders. He outweighed her by forty, maybe fifty pounds now that he’d completely gotten over his old shoulder injury and packed on more muscle. The way his crisp black uniform embraced his frame drew her gaze, but she was a bit disappointed that he was clean-shaven. She’d always liked it when stubble shadowed the planes of his face. She’d told him as much once during training, and he’d sent her on extra weighted runs as punishment. Though she’d ended up sore, stiff, and tired as hell, it had been worth it to get under his skin.

She had to get under his skin now because she could already feel his presence scraping away her resolve. The Coalition wanted her to talk, and she’d been programmed years ago to respond to Rykus’s voice. She had to escape soon—now—because if she didn’t he’d trigger that brainwashing and command her to give him the cipher the Coalition so desperately wanted.

Keeping her smile in place, Ash turned her attention to the two men flanking him. The (snip)

You can read more here. The novel earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. Well, the protagonist definitely has something going wrong. Good story questions right away—why is she shackled to her chair? She’s in trouble, so we want to know what it is and why, and what will she do to get out of it. So far, so good.

Then we get into the apparent antagonist’s looks—his build, the planes of his face, the stubble she liked . . . Suddenly we’re thrust from a science fiction thriller to romance. In my view, characters in trouble should be deep in the moment, not thinking about how hunky the guy in the room is. It would have been much stronger, storywise, if the author had let us know the consequences of refusing to talk. A telepath has inserted commands into her mind that prevent her from talking and could hurt her if she tries. But no, we’re talking about stubble. For me, a deadly loss of tension.

Cover critique

Kick-ass woman with a gun, fiery space things happening in the background, the cover works to signal genre and story direction. Author name okay, too. However, for me the word “Treason” is a red word, not aqua. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

VOTE!!!!!!

I voted last week, put my ballot in a drop box here in Oregon. If you haven't voted, please make sure you do.

The button image here is from my cover design for a novel that is in rewrite. The title is Support Your Local Vampire Kitty-cat. Here's a brief blurb--I'll be looking for beta readers soonish.

Meet a cat to die for when newbie vampires Patch, a calico tomcat, and his human pal Meg come out of the coffin to campaign for vampire rights. They stir up mobs, a bloodthirsty preacher, a murder trial & more. As Patch says, “Life doesn’t get any easier after you’re dead.”

VOTE!

Oh, if you're interested in being a beta reader for Support Your Local Vampire Kitty-cat, shoot me an email. It may be a couple of months or so, but I'll get it done.

Flogometer 1135 for Bonnie — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Victoria sends the prologue and first chapter for The Secret of Pitcher Mountain. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.

Prologue

He told himself that this was not so different from how they buried farm animals, really, as he knelt beside the lump that had been a human being two hours before. He had carried it carefully, out of respect; then he had stumbled on a rock, cursing and lurching sideways, and his cumbersome burden had thudded softly as it met the damp ground.

It didn’t help that there was no light at all here. No moon, no dim glow from a distant house, no lantern or flashlight. That’s why he’d tripped. The body had rolled half on its side, coming to rest with one arm stretched toward the hole he had dug. As if the rich odor of raw earth was enticing it toward the next step on its journey from this world.

Well, that’s what he was here to do. Help things along. He rolled the body toward the hole. He was reminded of his mother’s movements, kneading dough, as he pushed-rolled the still soft mound to the edge. Then he stopped. He sat back on his heels and considered.

He would have to remove the clothes. No clues. No trace. That was what he had to make sure of. He tensed. This was not like burying a dead sheep, after all. That was a natural act, in harmony with nature and with God. This was…. He stopped his thought with a jerk of his shoulders.

The stiffness would come soon. No time to waste thinking. No time to be finicky.

He faltered twice as he stripped the clothing away. Once, bile rose in his throat, but he (snip)

Chapter 1

Annoyed, Robyn Pelletier shoved the kitchen door closed behind her, giving the automatic garage door opener a smack with her free hand. She was running late. Dammit. Of all times. Of all days. Dammit again. Robyn was efficient and organized—took pride in those qualities. And in never being late. Catapulting herself onto the driver’s seat and turning the key in the ignition, she executed mental course adjustments.

Traffic would be light: morning rush hour was a fading memory and the commute home a distant future ordeal. If she took the interstate, she’d make it to the airport in time to meet Giselle’s plane, for which flight tracker promised an “on time arrival”. Good. They still had the drive to Hopkins Mills ahead of them after the airport.

Relax, Robyn ordered herself, recognizing an unaccustomed jumble of emotions. She had looked forward so much to this day, but she had also been plagued by vague misgivings, ever since they first discussed the class reunion. She willed her thoughts away from the worry, to the women she would be with tonight. Five friends, together in the same room, for the first time in more than four decades.

It’s so long ago. The words eddied in her mind, making her uneasy again. Life had taken them down such different paths. What do we have in common now? She thought about the last time they had been together, just before Giselle moved away. The last sleepover at Robyn’s (snip)

While, for me, prologues rarely work, this one does. It raises plenty of story questions. The character seems complex, concerned with the deceased person yet apparently disposing of the body in a way that suggests a crime. Gets a page-turn from me.

The first page of the chapter, though, is all about the character’s frustration about possibly being late to pick up someone from the airport. No dire consequences are given for failure, and she doesn’t seem to think that she’ll be late anyway. No story questions of any weight are inherent in this page, nor does what’s here connect in any way with the prologue. I want to read the story that the prologue talks about. The rest of the chapter is exposition about the other characters coming to attend a reunion. In skimming, I didn’t see a story. I think this novel needs to start later. The writing is good, the voice as well, we just need a story to draw us in.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Bonnie.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a BookBubber 329 John Ellsworth—debut novel illustrates beginner mistakes

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter opening from The Defendants: Collectors Edition. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

She was standing at the ancient desk in his law office when she unbuttoned her blouse. She was wearing a white button-down Ralph Lauren, paisley tie, khaki slacks, penny loafers, and a red barrette to keep the pageboy cut off her face.

Ermeline Ransom was thirty-two, the mother of Jaime, authentic blond, pale blue eyes. Like most cocktail waitresses she was a little taller than average, had clear skin and full lips, and was proud of her work and proud of her ability to support her little boy by honest work. Until last night she had no tattoos, but now she had a mess.

Ermeline began by loosening the tie and raising it over her head like a noose. Next, the blouse was unbuttoned, top to bottom. She was wearing what could only be a Victoria’s Secret bra, with its trademark structural engineering, icy red, that featured a green butterfly where the bra clasped in front. The butterfly held everything together and it separated, wings to the left, thorax to the right. The girl clicked the butterfly and her breasts spilled forward, freed at last, and pointed at Attorney Thaddeus Murfee like two pears, separate but equal. She shivered and looked away.

Thaddeus Murfee’s eyes bulged. “Good grief—who did this to you! Let me grab our camera!”

Thaddeus Murfee was twenty-five, unmarried, a member of Orbit’s Rotary and Moose, (snip)

You can read more here. The first novel earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. The Amazon page says that The Defendants has been downloaded more than 1,000,000 times. This is the author’s debut novel, and it shows. Perhaps this opening of what purports to be a legal thriller is intended to be titillating (pun intended), but so much narrative is spent on overwriting—useless detail—that we never get to story. What happens? A woman takes off her blouse and bra. Why? Not here. Trouble ahead? No hint of it. Overwriting? Plenty of it—the detailed description of how the bra clasp in the front looks and works has nothing to do with the story. If all that detail is given to create characterization by knowing that she buys Victoria’s Secret underclothes, that could have been done much more quickly. A problem? Well, she might have a tattoo and it's a "mess," whatever that vague term means. Doesn't seem all that urgent to me.

And then, before we get into anything that matters, we slip into setup of the male character. Member of the Rotary? Who cares? As far as story questions, the only one I can muster is why is she stripping? For sex? That’s not what I’m opening a legal thriller for. Worse, all that exposition prevents this from being on the first page:

Someone had taken a ballpoint and tattooed V-I-C-T-O-R into her breasts. The ballpoint had broken the skin and the cuts were deep and angry. There was matted blood around the wounds.

That, instead of bra mechanics, would have gotten me to turn the page. As it is, I wasn’t that interested. What do you say?

Cover critique

Hot colors, fingerpints, scale of justice, courthouse all work to create a sense of story waiting, and we understand the category right away. So the cover for the collection works much better for me than did the first page. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1134 for Victoria — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Victoria sends the first page of Mourn Their Courage. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.

Inside the Peach Orchard Inn, Lord Liu Jie expected to be murdered. He appreciated that he had a choice in how it might happen.

As to why it might happen, he reread the imperial notice posted behind the bar:

"The Son of Heaven requires the aid of all men as sons might come to their father. Yellow Turban rebels assault the people and threaten the capital. All districts report." A crimson imperial chop blazed in a corner.

He and his family had traveled for months and thousands of li to avoid this exact situation. He'd hoped to advise Emperor Xian, his nephew. Xian listened to corrupt officials. Everyone knew it. If Jie could convince the emperor to abandon his tax plan, people need not starve. Too late. They'd stopped at this inn and found the notice.

In a single moment, his mission had changed from one of protecting the people, to attacking them.

I've got over twenty men from home, plus Tong Zhang. Zhang is worth ten fighters, but still, it's not enough. If Jie did not recruit extra men to answer his emperor's call, he doomed himself, Zhang and men he'd known for years.

And if I recruit?

He looked over the inn's packed lower level. There were at least two hundred men to (snip)

Nicely written with a good voice, the narrative in this opening page invites the reader in. More than that, the strong hook in the opening paragraph not only ushers the reader in, it gives a push to want more. I wish the rhetorical question, And if I recruit?, had gone on to include some sort of stakes or consequences if he does. But, still, with that opening hook I’d risk a page turn.

I think this is a good start for a story that takes place in an interesting time.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Victoria.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a BookBubber 328 April White—is there enough bait on this hook for you?

Whew! What with work, travel, and oral surgery, I’ve missed a number of posts. But things are settling down and the ache in my jaw is diminishing, so I hope to remain back in the saddle.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter opening from Death’s Door. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The first time I met Edgar Allan Poe was the night he walked into my bar.

That might not seem strange in Baltimore, where Poe was practically a Halloween mascot, but my instincts rang like church bells, warning that everything about this man was from the nineteenth century. He wore a rumpled, black, hand-stitched suit with a dingy white neck-cloth tied over a high collared shirt. His trademark black hair was matted, his mustache too thick and unevenly trimmed, and he stank of corn whiskey and unwashed wool. To most people, Edgar Allan Poe in a twenty-first-century bar was just a guy in a costume.

I wasn’t most people.

I had just opened The Door, the bar I owned in Fells Point, and had served a couple of regular customers their first drinks when Poe stumbled inside. His head swiveled owlishly, as though his eyes couldn’t focus on any one point, at least not until they found me. The moment they locked on mine they widened slightly, right before they rolled back in his head. He crumpled to the floor in a puddle of black wool and melted bones.

“Damn it,” I muttered under my breath. I had a feeling my life was about to get complicated. I threw the bar towel into the sink and rushed to kneel by his head.

“You need help, Ren?” Paul asked. He and Marla lived in one of the Douglass Place houses, and they used The Door like an extension of their living room.

You can read more here. This book earned 4.8 stars on Amazon. Besides giving us the assurance of good writing, this opens with a strong hook—Edgar Allan Poe in the 21st century? I can’t wait to find out what’s to come. I like the matter-of-fact nature of the protagonist, who apparently can’t be shocked by anything. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be that cool. Which is another appealing aspect, the nature of an interesting and unexpected character. The one thing missing that I think is crucial is knowing the gender of Ren—turns out she’s a woman. Could be easily handled by adding a pronoun to this dialogue tag:

“You need help, Ren?” Paul asked her.

What do you say?

Cover critique

A striking cover with its use of color and story elements. The blood read promises action, the mood of the image with the silhouetted raven arouses interest and suggests something mysterious. The title is strong and clear, and so is the author’s name. Works for me.Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 327 Eric Asher—is there enough tension in this opening?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter opening from Steamborn. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Jacob ran. He heard the shouts of the market guards as they chased him through the muddy cobblestone streets of Ancora. Their armor gave away their position as the metal plates clanged together and their boots fell heavy on the stones.

“There!” a guard said.

Jacob dove under a peddler’s table, scattering rugs and crates as the woman hissed at him to run faster. Jacob grinned when he realized the peddler was rooting for him and not the guards. The armored guards would never be able to dip under the thick stone tables that rested across the ancient troughs. They’d have to go around, or over, and Jacob knew their armor was too heavy for that.

“Get back here, you Lowland maggot!”

Jacob glanced back. The enraged armored forms were momentarily frozen in front of the brightly colored tents and tables before Jacob vanished down an alley. They could still catch him on the next street if he wasn’t careful, or if he wasn’t fast enough.

Something sizzled in a large metal pot near the last stall he sprinted past, and for a moment, Jacob wished it were food in his pocket instead of the loot he’d been lucky to take. He slid around the corner of an old brick house with a tiled roof and slipped into a narrow alley most people never would have noticed. The Highborn guards, used to the wide streets behind the city (snip)

You can read more here. This book earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. This starts with a good action scene, and there’s a story question raised—will he be caught? But then the author leaks all the tension out of the scene by showing him get away to a place where it’s unlikely he will be caught. In fact, the next line on the next page tells us that the guards didn’t have a chance at tracking him. Then the story slips into exposition and backstory. A nitpick: I’ve walked on cobblestone streets, and they are not muddy, they are rocks. This could have been a strong opening if the boy was caught before the end of the page, not escaped. What do you say?

Cover critique

Not great. The title is weak in color, doesn’t pop, and why is it floating at the top of the page? The image does create a sense of setting and mood, and shows a couple of protagonists about to enter a ruin, so there are story questions raised. The author name is an okay size, but the serif font breaks up against the background, a sans serif would have been my choice. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 326 Anni Taylor—does this prologue earn a page-turn?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the prologue opening from One Last Child. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

It was time to return the children.

Inside the van, the group of children—all blindfolded—sat obediently in their seats. Knees together, each clasping a toy in their hands. They had just been three when they were taken. Three-and-a-half years later, they were six, almost seven.

The driver gripped the wheel, keeping careful control on the steep descent. Stones skittered and rattled like bones in the van’s undercarriage. Far below, the lights of Tallman’s Valley were blinking on.

Twilight was coming in fast.

Sweat pricked the driver’s hands inside woollen gloves. It was vital to stay hidden. Arrive in darkness and leave in darkness. Unseen by anyone but the children.

The returns would need to be swift and efficient. Each child back to his or her home.

All but for one child.

One child would not be returned tonight.

One child would never be returned.

You can read more here. This book earned 4.6 stars on Amazon. I’m often a prologue-skipper, but this one worked well with me. For one thing, it all fits on one page. Hard to resist. And then it raises some fine story questions. Who is the driver? Why does he have children? Why is he turning them loose? And on . . . How about you?

Cover critique

Great mood in this image. The empty swing reinforces the title and stirs an emotional response to implied trouble for a child. If I were to change anything, it would be to have the title in a yellow hue to make it pop more from the black and white background. And it wouldn’t hurt to have the author name a little larger and in the same color. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 325 Andreas Christensen—will this opening work outside of the genre?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the prologue opening from Exodus. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Years ago, far too many to remember, the planet had been teeming with life. Its inhabitants had called it Lifebringer, and thousands of species had carved out their existence there. It was a finely tuned system, where every little being had its part to play. Lifebringer was part of a large family, a system of planets, moons, and asteroids dancing around their twin stars. Every rock had its place, and nothing had disturbed it for so long, it was taken for granted that this dance would go on eternally.

Nothing lasts forever though. The twin stars aged and slowly converged upon each other until one day they merged in a cataclysm that ended the dance, ruined entire worlds, and scattered the planets and their moons in every direction. Lifebringer, once the third planet from the larger of the twin stars, survived the cataclysm, but an enormous force pushed it out from its home and into the vast reaches of space. It was alone, and although it didn’t know it, such planets would later become known as rogue planets, orphans in the eternity of space. Light dimmed and, over the years, disappeared completely. The surface got colder, and in time no life remained there. But the planet itself found no rest.

Space is vast and empty, and the stars few and far between, so the planet continued on, aimlessly and without purpose. Years became decades, decades became centuries, and centuries became millennia. Lifebringer had forgotten its past, its family not even a faint memory, doomed (snip)

You can read more here. This book earned 4.1 stars on Amazon. There's good writing in this solid science-fiction-style info dump that sets up the world—in this case, the universe—of the story. To a SF fan, I think this would work just fine. It did with me. I wanted to know what would happen next to this planet, so for me a good, solid story question was raised. If you read on, you’ll find an action-filled opening for the first chapter as it introduces one of the cast. I think the novel could have left out the prologue and just started with that but, on the other hand, the context it provides informs what is happening on the action level. I wanted to read further. How about you?

Cover critique

A solid SF cover. It has all the elements—space, our planet, a comet, a space ship blasting off into an adventure. The title is strong and the author clear. A good-enough cover for the genre. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1133 for Martha — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Martha sends the first page of Ghost Child. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.

The Oregon coast, 1855

Lettie, exhausted, thirsty, and heartsick, dragged her young son by the hand, wondering if either of them could possibly take another step.

But she knew the white “Moving Men” would beat them if they didn’t keep walking, walking, walking.

The white men took our land, now they are making us leave it.

The blows she’d endured stung and burned, but there was a much greater pain Lettie endured: memories of her home, burned to the ground. Her man, dead, shot by the white man’s gun because he would not leave the house he had built. A house with cedar logs over the great pit he’d dug, with stones he’d hauled.

We had to leave behind much wealth, she thought. So many things we need. Things I spent many days collecting, cleaning and setting aside carefully: shells, woodpecker scalps, grey pine seeds, and clamshell money. Money that would buy food for me, my man, and my boy.

She’d lost her moccasins somewhere, and now, the sharp rocks she stumbled across cut her bare feel so painfully that when she glanced back to see how far they’d come, she could see her own bloody footprints.

And next to her footprints were the smaller, bloody ones of Little Buck’s.

The voice is good here, and the writing sound. And we are thrust immediately into the troubles a sympathetic character is experiencing. A story question comes up right away: what’s going to happen next to this woman and her little boy? The writing is pretty tight, but here are some editorial thoughts:

Lettie, exhausted, thirsty, and heartsick, dragged her young son by the hand, wondering if either of them could possibly take another step. ”dragged” gave me an image of the person being dragged on the ground, being, as it were, towed by a hand. Maybe something like “pulled her little boy along”. ”young son” feels cold to me. I think “little boy” would better communicate age and gender in a more natural way

But she knew the white “Moving Men” would beat them if they didn’t keep walking, walking, walking.

The white men They took our land, now they are making us leave it. No need to repeat white men here

The blows she’d endured stung and burned, but there was a much greater pain Lettie endured much greater pain: memories of her home, burned to the ground. Her man, dead, shot by the white man’s gun because he would not leave the house he had built. A house with cedar logs over the great pit he’d dug, with stones he’d hauled.

We had to leave behind much wealth, she thought. So so many things we need. Things I spent many days collecting, cleaning and setting aside carefully: shells, woodpecker scalps, grey pine seeds, and clamshell money. Money that would buy food for me, my man, and my boy.

She’d lost her moccasins somewhere, and now, the sharp rocks she stumbled across cut her bare feel so painfully that when she glanced back to see how far they’d come, she could see her own bloody footprints.

And next to her footprints were the smaller, bloody ones of Little Buck’s.

I think this is a good start for a story that takes place in an interesting time.

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Martha.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.