Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 255: Dave Stanton—for lessons in yawn-creation, this is the book for you

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Stateline. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

I knew Wenger would be pissed I was bailing early, but he would have to live with that. Unfortunately, I had to live with it, too. It wasn’t that I considered him a bad person, but as a boss, Rick Wenger was a tremendous pain in the ass. Besides being a chronic clock watcher, he was also the most obsessive tightwad I’d ever known. He always felt a three-dollar lunch tip could trigger financial disaster, and habitually pinched pennies to the point that the effort far outweighed the fiscal benefit. In the two years I worked for him, he’d never bought me lunch, and after a couple of embarrassing restaurant incidents, I’d started picking up his share of the gratuity.

As an investigator, Wenger also left much to be desired. His latest fiasco was his interview with Lem Tuggle the day before up at San Quentin. Tuggle, a psychotic 250-pound ghetto thug, despised the white establishment and was well known in San Jose law enforcement circles for his history of violent offenses. Wenger had insisted I go with him to the interview in case things turned ugly.

“My schedule’s packed, Rick,” I told him.

“Rearrange your meetings, then.”

“What do you think he’s gonna do, leap over the table and attack you?”

“He’s in prison for an unprovoked battery on two white businessmen in broad daylight.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This novel earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. Where to begin? Here’s a writer who needs to bone up on the notion of having tension in a narrative, especially that of a “hard-boiled crime novel,” as this is billed.

First we start with bitching about the lack of many things in his boss—how does his cheapskateness and incompetence affect the story? Certainly not on this page. And then we jump into the past, to the then of the story, not the now of the story. I read ahead (well, I skimmed). None of this impacts the story. None. After this, we hear more on the incompetence of the boss, then the protagonist files a report, and then he talks with his ex about attending the marriage of his daughter, and then he goes to Colorado for the wedding and then . . . and then I gave up. There was no story, much less a crime, in sight.

Cover critique

While it displays a pretty scene that gives a picture of the eventual setting, for me if fails to evoke any sense of crime or suspense. It’s just a small town in the winter. I also don’t think the title, Stateline, serves the author well either. What does it mean? That there’s a border between states? How much of a grabber is that? No go for me. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1112 for Diane — Prologue is a go, but I wish the chapter had kept up the pace

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Frank sends the prologue and first chapter of Porro. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Prologue

By the light of the moon you can catch fireflies, or sit by a campfire watching the embers drift up toward the stars. You can stroll down a dirt road, or sit on your back porch with a glass of iced tea. By the light of the moon you can propose marriage, or leave your lover.

And by the light of the moon, if you have a shovel, you can try to bury your past.

That's exactly what Jack Cicero had in mind, on this night in early June. If life was going to screw with him, then there was only one thing that he could do.

The sun had already dipped below the horizon, and the full moon was threatening an early appearance. As he ducked under a canopy of pine trees, darkness shrouded him. He had to use his flashlight. The bright light stretched along a bed of pine needles. All of his senses went into high alert. He pushed his thick eye glasses tighter on his nose, and strained to listen for the sounds of approaching cars. He was far enough away from the road, and there were plenty of young trees, but still one couldn't be too careful. He was alone with only the sounds of the Snake River choking itself on the rocks in its path; and the sound of his pulse pounding in his head.

He pushed on not willing to test his luck. He spied a large rock under the trees, and set the flashlight down in such a way as to shield its beam from the distant road. If he heard anything, he could grab the light in an instant and kill it. Setting his shovel against the rock, he lowered his burlap bundle to the ground. He shook his head. There was no turning back now. He sighed, and straightened his shoulders.

Chapter 1

Cassie Klein parked her car in front of her mother’s house and turned off the engine. Despite the fact that it was just five o’clock in the evening, the sky was quickly darkening as black as night with the threat of a whopper of a thunder storm. Maplewood was going to get slammed. She absentmindedly ran her fingers through her strawberry blonde hair.

“C’mon Cass, we've gotta get inside before this rain hits!” said Maggs from the shotgun seat.

“In a sec,” Cassie answered. “I need to check my phone. Thought I got a message from the office.” She tapped her smart phone, not bothering to take off her seatbelt.

“Now? Cassie, it’s like going to pour on us at any second.”

“Hold on a sec.”

A recorded voice filled the car. “Hi Cassie, it's Grace Steiner. Since Dr. Fuller counseled us on the love languages, well, Jim and I are like newlyweds again. He's a bona fide miracle worker,” regaled the voice in the message. “But I guess you already know that. Anyway, we both decided that we need some time alone together, so Jim is taking me to Hawaii. Can you believe it? Sun and sand and... well you never know what else. So needless to say, we won’t be needing our appointment next week. Anyway, could you be a real doll and cancel it? I'll call you back to schedule our next session when we get back. Oh, and give Dr. Fuller a big hug for me. Ciao.”

Cassie sighed. Some couples have all the luck.

The prologue works pretty well, primarily because a mysterious mood is done well and there’s a good story question or two: what’s in that bag, and why does he want to bury it. So yes, I would turn the page—though it could use an eye for punctuation, and the mention that his glasses were thick is a break in point of view—he would not normally be thinking of the thickness of his glasses.

The chapter one opening has issues, though. There’s another pov break with her thinking of her hair color, but that can be fixed. There’s jut no tension here, no story questions raised, no hint of what the story is about. I urge Diane to look over the checklist and think about how to incorporate a problem and a story question here.

Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by David.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a BookBubber 253: Cole Baxter—oh, no, a dream opening + POV issues

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Stolen Son. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

My heart raced, Greg’s fingers tangling through my thick hair as he kissed my body. Everything was perfect. His platinum hair reminded me of someone else. An uneasiness started to rise in my body, yet everything seemed so wonderful! I tried to let the pleasure of being with my husband consume me again. Nothing seemed to work. Something wasn’t right, yet I couldn’t place my finger on it. Begrudgingly, I shoved Greg away. I had to find our son, Gregory.

He glared at me as my pleasure turned to fear. His eyes, once as blue as the ocean itself, had changed. There was nothing but darkness in them. I tried to scream but the sound wouldn’t escape my throat. All around me, the bedroom began to shake as pictures fell from the walls. Behind them, blood oozed out, thick and black like putrid sludge. Greg was gone, and the dark figure which replaced him triggered my fear and memory. He was the bad man, the one who liked to force his way with me.

Before his thick fingers could wrap around my throat, I screamed again, praying for anyone to hear me and come to my rescue but knowing it was already too late. I closed my eyes as his figure faded away. It wasn’t until the menacing laughter stopped that I opened them again. A woman ran into my room, fear creasing her youthful face as she rushed to my side.

“Ms. Simmons! Are you in pain?” she yelled over my screams.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This novel earned 3.8 stars on Amazon. In addition to this being a dream opening, a kind of bait-and-switch tactic, craft issues abounded. POV issues in the opening paragraph were the protagonist, in the midst of great sex, thinking about the thickness of her hair and the color of his. In another paragraph, menacing laughter that had not been introduced into the scene stopped. A definite no-go from me.

Cover critique

This cover is more professional than the writing. The title is intriguing and well set off against a moody, forbidding background that reinforces the title. The author name is adequately sized, though why not make it as large as possible, there’s plenty of room. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

What if . . .

Just about to head out for a full day of workshops, but I want to share something with you to think about.

Backstory: I'm doing a total overhaul of my first vampire kitty-cat novel with the goal of including the other primary character, Meg, as a POV character--the original is all narrated by my cat, Patch. I've just started on revising.

While she is a main character, another character appears in a supporting role right at the beginning, the woman my vampire kitty-cat lives with--his associate. He's been with her for years, and they have a warm relationship.

In one of Donald Maass's workshops, he proposed this question: what if you kill a character your protagonist cares about?

Thus challenged, I had to think about it. The question expanded to what happens if my hero is the one who kills that character?

Holy cow! It would make for a helluva dramatic turn right at the beginning of the book.

It would also introduce a very dark element into a comic novel.

I'm going to try it. I don't know if I can bring that off, that combination of humor and darkness, but I'm going to try it.

At the end of the workshop I went up to Don and said, "Don, you have just destroyed my novel. Thank you."

So try that question out on your work in progress and see what happens.

Best,

Ray

Still out

Sorry to disappoint, but I'm still consumed by the UnConference, gotta get going to breakfast. The workshops have been terrific, and tonight I do my Flog a Pro gig. It will be fun.

I'll do my best to be here Friday.

All best,

Ray

Going to UnConference today

I'm traveling to Salem, Massachusetts today (ungodly6:00 a.m. flight) to take part in the third UnConference created by Writer Unboxed. I'll be teaching a "Flog a Pro" workshop where we analyze the first pages of bestsellers.

I should be able to post from there later this week, will do I if I can. I expect a lovely time with the WU community of writers and publishing professionals.

Write among yourselves.

Ray

Flogometer 1111 for Frank — prologue sorta works, but the first page shuts me down

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Frank sends the prologue and first chapter of Porro. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Prologue

Sparkling sounds and mellow sights of a perfect noon-time summer day at any lakefront park anywhere in the world. Blue sky containing a tender breeze that nudges a few light-colored clouds. A young woman is walking a white Peek-A-Poo. “Mellie, baby… Could you please just do it for Mommy? She has to get back to work.” Mom and Dad, or maybe Gramma and Grampa, are feeding little ones a picnic lunch. Friends running down a wayward frisbee and laughing. Splat of collapsing cornhole bag and the pulse of bass from open windows and sunroofs…And a scream…Ripping, from deep within the heart …trailing off to a moan tinged with sorrow and sad, frightened recognition.

####

Fuzzy little Melanie had made a discovery. She was tugging a piece of soiled white cloth from one of the large squared-off openings in a dark green heavy mesh-plastic trash container. At first it seemed quite ordinary. But puppy’s mistress walked over to her good girl and quickly spotted the blood. And the smiley face. And she realized it was the tee shirt that all Northeast Ohio, as well as parts of eastern Indiana, Northern Kentucky and Southern Michigan had been seeing in their newspapers, on their TV screens and in Face Book newsfeeds for three days. It was shown next to the photo of a six-year-old-girl who had vanished from a supermarket parking lot in the nearby Ohio town of Ellinville.

Chapter 1

Twelve minutes later two Major Crimes detectives were on-scene. Michael Friedman had been on the unit all of a week and a half. His lead, Stan Porro, had twelve years on the job, nearly five in Major Crimes. On the short drive from Headquarters building they had only the briefest time to discuss the call.

“So whaddaya think, Stan? From what dispatch told you, I’m feeling edgy.”

“Good. I’d be worried if you weren’t.”

“Is it that missing kid?”

“Gotta be. Just the blood, maybe not. But that goddam smiley thing…

“Wow…Shit…”

“Ditto. Looks like you’re playin’ in the majors your first time up to bat.”

Porro pulled their unmarked Dodge Charger off Lake Road into the park entrance. He drove to the rear of the area and into a slot opposite the trash can, hood facing Lake Erie. They were three slots away from the black and white.

“Mike, go tell the uni to widen that perimeter by about ten yards. Then take her squad down to the entrance flip the lights on and block it. I’m calling CS. Stay there till they arrive. Hopefully, they’re not already out at another site. If we’re lucky we may be able to reopen the park before too long. The uniform will relieve you when she’s finished taping. And get her (snip)

The writing is okay, though there is a fair amount of “telling” in the narrative (eg. Fuzzy little Melanie had made a discovery.). But why did the scene-setting place us in a park anywhere in the world when, it turns out, it’s at Lake Erie? Ground us on real ground, not imaginary ground.

And I wonder why this is a prologue instead of the first part of chapter 1? Chapter one starts 16 minutes later. In my view, the prologue should be a scene that starts chapter one. A line break and a transition can easily bring the cops in.

As for turning the page . . . the discovery of a child’s body is certainly enough for me, though I’m not eager to read about the crime. But the chatter between the cops, including joking about hitting on a woman while responding to the murder of a child didn’t work to make me want more. This might be a fair representation of gallows humor among cops, but for me they should have been upset and concerned, not playful. So no on the first chapter—I didn’t really want to spend any more time with those guys.

Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by David.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1110 for David — exposition does not a gripping page make

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

David sends the first chapter of Breaking Now. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Ben Spencer was troubled as he made his usual safety assessment. Strategic survival options noted. Four exits within a hundred feet of section-F, row-W. Good, but not great. Another exit farther away, but closer to the stage. Much better choice. If anything happens, most of the crowd will flee toward the lobby doors. It’s where the bodies pile up. Ben knew this from experience. He would lead Debra to the exit near the stage.

They had argued. Mozart won. Ben would rather have been at the Foo Fighters gig, but Debra had insisted on the orchestra fundraiser. He didn’t have the stomach for a tussle. At least he was able to convince their friends Rick and Carol to come along. Why suffer alone?

Everything was catching up with him, and classical music was depressing, the soundtrack of cinema noir. He assumed life couldn’t get any worse. But, he was wrong. Not that he would blame Debra for the way things eventually turned out. It was entirely his fault. He alone risked everything he cared about, including his family’s safety. The mobster would probably have found a way to gain control whether Ben had been to the concert or not.

Pressure had been piling up. The crushing pressure from the bean counters. The self-imposed pressure to save his staff without compromising principle. His competitors were taking shortcuts, but Ben had been in the trenches. He wasn’t about to sacrifice his hard-earned reputation now that he had joined the ranks of management. The easy way out was tempting. He (snip)

The opening paragraph promises trouble ahead (although it is through "telling," rather than showing) . . . and then the next paragraph slips into backstory. And then the third paragraph seems to be letting us know that whatever is happening here has already happened and there were consequences. Then we continue with backstory in the form of musing.

While the opening suggests the beginning of a scene, it devolves into exposition. As it turns out, nothing happens at the concert. It ends, they leave safe and sound. So why are we at the concert?

Then we go to have drinks afterwards, and the protagonist has a conversation with a mobster—but nothing happens, not even a threat. It’s all friendly (except in the narrator’s mind). Seems clear to me that the story begins later, after this chapter ends. I suggest you look for the moment when trouble actually comes to Ben and start there. Oh, and it would be good to know what Ben is, what he does. On the second page there’s a hint that he’s a reporter with the reference to the crime beat, but that’s not really definitive.

Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by David.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a BookBubber 252: Dwayne Gill—violent action opening with strong story questions

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the prologue of Conviction. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Jordyn lay on her back in the kitchen, feigning death, wondering how her sweet-sixteen birthday slumber party turned into a bloody massacre. One minute she and her friends were giggling and having fun, the next they were running for their lives.

Now she could only hope that the man pacing the living room wouldn’t notice her; she had slid behind the bar that separated the kitchen and den when the attack started and hadn’t moved since. She’d been struggling not to sob aloud, though the sight of her family and friends being killed in front of her made it very challenging. If he hears me, I die. That simplified things for her.

Jordyn didn’t know who he was; he had entered the front door at 10:00 p.m. unhindered. They left the house unlocked all evening. Jordyn’s friends had been entering periodically, so everyone there had their guard down, including her mom, who was busy trying to make sure all the girls stayed fed and entertained.

As soon as the stranger entered, Jordyn knew something was off; he had an unusual, savage look about him. She thought maybe he was just a homeless man who wandered into the house looking for food, but his next action betrayed this. The man lifted a weapon hidden behind his back and shot Aaron, Jordyn’s cousin, in the chest. Aaron fell backward and didn’t move.

Chaos ensued; her friends were screaming and trying to scramble to their feet, but the (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This novel earned 4.7 stars on Amazon. Definitely a grabber of a scene, and strong story questions are immediately raised. There’s some “telling” in the narrative (Chaos ensued) but that’s not uncommon in thrillers, though the scene would be more effective if it stays close to the girl’s POV. I’ll admit to turning the page. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1106 for Thomas — epic tone, but distant, not as involving for me as it could be

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Thomas sends the first chapter of a historical novel. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

IN THE EAST it happened, in ancient town, by ageless river—in the East, where the past was so old, so outrageous, so remembered, that nothing new and strange could seem entirely a surprise, unless heaven above should itself crack open.

One dark unbroken morning there in the East, a child always restless was seized by sudden stillness. The mother at once was aware of this change. The child lived in her womb and in recent weeks always wakened her by this hour with jerks and kicks.

Not today.

The mother’s mind stirred to alertness in the clinging early dawn. Why was this child so still?

From those movements in mornings past, she’d discerned how this child was one with her, yet separate, self-minded. The child—their first—was hers, yet not. Today this wonder deepened; the child chose not to budge.

Lying wide-eyed on her sleeping mat of river-reeds, for a moment the woman didn’t breathe. All the stillness—the child’s, her own, plus motionless shadows in the room around her—throbbed together in what seemed almost a thunder-roar. She closed her eyes.

In an instant, a moment breathless as death, her mind seemed stolen from her, swept forward across future years. Her inward eyes detected someone standing near, tall, wide-shouldered, (snip)

The writing is at a high level, the voice and tone one of epic stories. But it’s the author’s voice, not that of the nameless woman. Lack of a name is one small issue with me. In my view, names give character’s life, they signal that there is a person here. An anonymous “woman” falls short of that. More than that, it distances us from the character, which in turn distances us from caring about this non-person. This is not a narrative that immerses us into a character’s experience. If that’s okay with you, that’s okay, but I suspect some readers will turn away.

As for story questions, the only one that occurs to me is to wonder if the fetus has died. But that possibility does not occur to the woman, nor does she seem distressed about the lack of movement. So maybe there’s no need for us to do so.

On the next page is narrative that would have helped with tension had it been on the first. Unless all the exposition about “the East” figures into the story, I would delete that so that this could be included:

Her inward eyes detected someone standing near, tall, wide-shouldered, tensely alert; someone fearsome in beauty, though she couldn’t fully discern the face. This was, she sensed, her womb’s offspring—yet also a stranger, strong and alive and lovely.

The vision faded. Its mystery stayed. The woman inhaled deeply, opened her eyes, and laid a hand on her abdomen. This child did not move.

It's clear that this is an accomplished author when the chapter that follows sets up an interesting time during a Roman war (the time frame could have been better established in the opening, IMO). Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Thomas.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.