Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of The Women On Retford Drive, a murder mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
He saw me.
Flashing red-and-blue lights appear in my rearview mirror, and my heart sinks. Oh no, not now. Please don’t pull me over. Please. I need to get home. Why didn’t I stop? I should have stopped. Exasperated with myself and now fully alert, I look ahead for a place to park. The tree-lined street in the small business district is jam-packed with vehicles. I spot a public parking lot and slowly pull in, with the cop riding my bumper. I park in the first available space and he blocks me in.
I pull the visor down to shield myself from the June sun beating down on me through the windshield of my Mercedes, wondering what he’s doing. Sweat dripping down my chest and back, I tug on my blouse that’s glued to me like a second skin, then place my wet hands on the steering wheel, my gaze shifting to the dashboard clock, its numbers screaming at me. I have to meet the movers in thirty minutes. If I miss them, I’ll have no one to blame but myself. My stomach flips when the officer heads my way.
Brawny with a mop of dark hair, he peers down at me and says, “Ma’am, have you been drinking?”
Momentarily stumped, I pause, thinking to myself that it’s barely 10:00 a.m.—too early to drink. “No, I haven’t had anything to drink, I promise.”
This novel garners 4.7 stars on Amazon. We begin with good writing and voice, and tension is initiated by the cop’s flashing lights. Story question rises: what will happen next? What will happen to her? Something is going wrong . . . but she doesn't seem truly threatened by this, which tells us that she’s not hiding anything worth an arrest.
She fully expects to be let go and then getting home. She feels urgency, but it’s just to meet the movers. I don’t imagine any deadly consequences for being tardy. This opening fizzled for me, and doesn’t hint at a mystery being in progress. I think the story opens later when her apparently missing husband’s bloody shirt is found. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
One noticeable thing about this cover is how dim and dark the colors are. They’re facing an autumn tree, but it’s dull. The title is small, limited to what appears to be an unnecessary graphic. And the author name needs to be stronger. The cover doesn’t suggest mystery, either, IMO. Could be a lot stronger. What do you think?
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Jeff sends the first chapter of It’s ALL About Respect. The rest of the narrative is after the break.
An admiring Dr. Sam Wright thinks This looks fantastic! as he finishes waxing a black as night shadows on deep waters Jaguar XJ, his pride and joy.
It's a typical September day in Mobile, still above a piping hot ninety degrees and two hundred percent humidity despite being dusk.
“Gonna take off these sweaty clothes, starting with this tee-shirt,” he shouts to his wife Donna as he tries a Hulk Hogan imitation. It doesn’t rip, he pulls it over his head.
“Shorts coming off now. I’ll be naked as a jaybird, nothing on but tennies. Hope the neighbors are watching.”
Donna laughs as she watches him through a kitchen window.
Hearing her, an amused Sam feigns exasperation, stomps to the XJ. The 'cool as the other side of the pillow' seat is fantastic against his skin as he idles it into the eight car garage. While savoring the tranquility of the moment, the aroma of the tanned leather, he receives an ear-splitting WHAM!
What the hell?
A concrete anchor has fallen from a rafter.
She’ll nag me, use her grating sing-song voice to say 'I told you to get rid of it' if she discovers what happened. How do I keep her from spotting the damage? I know, I'll hide it from her.
Prior to Sam's excitement
For me, there are issues in this narrative, beginning with story questions. Yes, something goes wrong and one is raised—how will he avoid getting grief from his wife—but that is hardly compelling.
The point of view shifts from distant to close and back again—the “admiring Dr. Sam” and “an amused Sam” descriptions are from outside the character’s point of view and are “telling.” Then we slip inside his head to get his thoughts. If the goal is to immerse the reader in the character’s experience—I think it should be—then the POV needs to be managed better.
There’s a continuity issue in the description of the car seat—it is more than 90 degrees, he has just finished waxing the car (apparently) outdoors in the sun (which isn’t actually a good thing to do), yet the car seat against his skin is cool. That does not compute.
Compound adjectives: there are descriptive elements that should be compound adjectives held together by hyphens. For example: black-as-night-shadows-on-deep-waters; cool-as-the-other-side- of-the-pillow, and eight-car garage.
One other thing: the mention of a “concrete anchor” didn’t work for me, mostly because I didn’t know what one was. I assumed that it was some kind of anchor made out of concrete, but a quick Google search says it’s a bolt of some kind that is inside concrete. It doesn’t seem likely that this is what is meant here. More than that, the pronoun “it” in “get rid of it” refers to the concrete anchor. Unless there is more than one concrete anchor in the rafters (and why would a concrete bolt be on a rafter?), the previous sentence should refer to the concrete anchor.
Last thing—the narrative at the end of the page jumps to a flashback, not a good technique in an opening. This story needs to start later with something happening that causes a problem of consequence for the character. Your thoughts?
Ford bought Jaguar in 1989, introduced theXJ-40 in 1993, its interpretation of the XJ-6, produced from 1972 until 1992. Tata acquired it in 2008, makes the XJ; it ain’t an XJ-6, but it’s better than anything Ford ever turned out.
Donna joins him in their back yard. After forty nine years and two children, she remains a striking, handsome woman, with a full, not fat, curvy over six feet tall figure with nice bottom, dark red, close to auburn, shoulder length wavy hair framing a dimpled open baby-face dominated by large sparkling blue eyes.
“Lemonade? Real lemons and sugar.”
“I’d prefer a beer. I’ll cool off, put the XJ in the garage.
Sam flops into a wrought iron chair, scoots to a matching table.
Donna places the pitcher on the table, pours two glasses.
Why should you get any? You did nothing. But being married has taught me this: keep my mouth shut.
“A one hundred and twenty three thousand dollar Jaguar was worth the work,” he muses aloud as he accepts the proffered lemonade.
“Doctoring ain’t the world’s easiest job, but it provides moments.”
He raises his glass toward the XJ as if toasting it.
I guess the old saying is correct: The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.
Sam, fifty one, has practiced medicine a quarter century, five in the Army, twenty in private practice. His salary enables him to restore Jaguar four-door saloon cars with oversize seats to accommodate his six and a half feet, three hundred pound body. His size prevents him getting into any two-seat Jaguar sports car, such as the XK-120.
He is a ‘workaholic,’ often to the detriment of his family. He regrets his attitude, but cannot help himself because money is the most important thing.
It’s fortunate Sam is able to remain with a restoration because Jaguars demands lots of time. The sole project he ever abandoned was his racing career. Donna, the love of his life, mother of their children, whom he married after graduating from med school, compelled him to choose between her and racing. He chose her. It was a good decision because she pleases him in ways competing never could.
A child at heart, Sam’s philosophy is: ‘Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.’ He urges his son Gus to avoid it. Mature, yes. Become wiser, affirmative. Make better decisions, fine. Assume responsibilities, of course. Grow up, never.
“May we travel to Montana to learn if it will attain the advertised top speed of 186 miles per hour? Montana’s Interstates are America’s autobahns, no limits outside cities.”
“Montana perhaps,” Donna snickers. “You admire the car more than me.”
“Yeah. It lets me have the last word, something you never do! Wait! Does ‘Yes, dear’ count?”
“Oh, you!”
“You care for the XJ as much as I do, love to arrive at the country club in it.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah!”
Sam grabs her as she prepares to walk away, forces her into his lap, seizes her still firm, proud breasts, plants a smooch on her mouth.
When the kiss ends, Donna giggles, “You are incorrigible.”
She invites another physical advance, he obliges. She breaks free, laughs, rushes into the kitchen.
“You are incorrigible.”
After the anchor falls
Without surveying the damage, he rushes into the kitchen, brushes aside Donna’s hair, nibbles her neck.
“Might I interest you in coming to our bedroom?”
“Only If you take a shower. I need to clear this with my husband first.”
Donna naps after making whoopee.
Delaying considering damage severity won’t lessen it.
Sam sneaks to the garage, lifts the anchor, observes a four inch long paint gash in a quarter inch deep dent.
Trunk lid damaged. Insurance'll repair by body filler and spot painting. Hell, I could do it myself. Not acceptable, I will be aware, I'm willing to spend more, to seek a replacement, to keep my toy 'pure'. I doubt insurance cares what I want. The primary issue is preventing Donna finding this.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Rose City Free Fall, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
As soon as James Wendt was done having sex with his girlfriend, I was either going to arrest him or kill him. It would be up to him which happened. I sat there listening to the sounds of creaking bedsprings and slapping flesh coming from cheap speakers.
My partner Mandy and I sat in a dusty storeroom over a Korean market in Northeast Portland. Mounted on a tripod between us was a laser microphone. As long as I kept it aimed at the window of the house across the street, we could hear what was going on inside.
I put my magazine down, checked my watch. They'd been at it for four minutes.
"Soon. He won't last much longer." Mandy nodded, a little pink under her freckles.
She was more than ten years younger than me. I sometimes felt like I was toting a high school kid around, but she was a good partner. I tended to go through partners quickly. It wasn't that we didn't get along, just that I tended to wear them out. They couldn't keep up.
The noises from across the street came to a crescendo. To my ear, Brenda, James's old lady, sounded like she was faking it. She should have plenty of practice. James came by every month like clockwork, made her cash her state checks and give him half the money.
I stood, wincing at the pain in my knees. Who knew that when I jumped out of airplanes more than fifteen years ago, the wet Oregon winters would make me pay for it now? I took a few seconds to limber up. It might be important later.
This novel 4.4 stars on Amazon. That opening paragraph does a fine job of establishing voice, writing chops, and setting a good story hook. What will happen next? Will he arrest the guy or kill him? There is trouble coming for someone. The rest of the page sets the scene and introduces character, but still keeps the story ahead in mind. The last line on the page about it maybe being important later that he’s limbered up promises action ahead. So this works for me in several ways. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
While the silhouette of a guy with a gun does a good job of identifying the genre, I found the cover gloomy and uninviting. The “Rose City” part of the title caught my eye as I live in Oregon and am frequently in Portland, the Rose City, but “Free Fall” didn’t translate into something suspenseful. And, as usual, the author’s name is FAR too insignificant and will not work to help establish a brand. DL could have used a different book designer, IMO. What do you think?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the prologue for The Pumpkin Seed Massacre, a mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
The owl winged noiselessly across the moon’s path and settled on a pine bough above his head. He didn’t look up. He knew the owl was there and knew its meaning. Death. His sweat evaporated in the dry, high-altitude crispness of the New Mexico night. Atop the mesa, a fire kept him from chilling. He stared at the bright flames and didn’t try to keep his mind from straying to what was wrong.
This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. He couldn’t sleep and, like tonight, would take long walks calling upon the spirits to give him guidance. But they had deserted him. No longer did he feel their presence, their support. Yet, the answer was clear. He knew what he had to do. Much rested on his shoulders—responsibility, duty—but weren’t they the same? Wasn’t the future of the Tewa village in his hands? Someone who could assure all of a better life?
He put another cedar log on the fire; the orange warmth made his skin glow bronze. Then he untied the laces of his new Adidas, and pushed off first one shoe and then the other and rubbed his aching arches. Stripped to the waist, he wore designer jeans pleated below his black leather belt studded with buffalo nickels. But tonight he couldn’t take pleasure in his clothes.
He sat back against a granite outcropping and let the fire warm the soles of his feet. He was beat. From his vantage point, he looked out over the Indian Pueblo. Wisps of wood smoke stood straight up in barely waving columns above the roofs. On this windless night, they acted as (snip)
This novel garnered 4.2 stars on Amazon. It’s encouraging to see strong writing in a self-published novel, and it often means a good story well told. We have that caliber of writing here, but I have issues with the storytelling.
It starts strong with the owl and its meaning of death—a good teaser promising trouble ahead. But my interest dimmed a little at the musing, but this went to character, so I read on. And then my interest began to flounder when we got into the character’s clothing, and it stopped when I got to the belt studded with nickels. For me, not a strong story element, and a promise of more overwriting ahead. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
I like this cover. It signals the desert, the Southwest, Native Americans. The title is strong, and the author’s name leads. The color, typography, and layout are attention-getting. For me, the cover is a stronger inducement to read than the prologue was. What do you think?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for Lake Ephemeral: A YA sci fi thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
Seven manors on overgrown estates stood watch around Lake Ephemeral. A leaning iron fence kept them in and away from any adventurous onlookers. Foliage grew monstrously tall and fantastical. Reeds and bulrushes rose like battalions around the lake’s edge, cloaked with purple capes of morning glory.
Half of the year, the lake was a bowl-shaped parkland, with stone statues of two children in its centre. But from April to September, rainfall drowned the park and turned it into a lake—and then the statues would disappear from view beneath the water. The lake was ephemeral, fed by yearly rains and a small underground river.
I came to this valley as an eleven-year-old orphan—returned to the place from which I’d been born. A place of which I had no memory. To meet a mother I’d never known I had.
At first, the valley seemed a wild place of wonder and liberty. The five children who lived here were free to do as they pleased. Children with intense eyes and wild hearts, including the boy with the wildest heart of all—Kite.
I no longer felt quite so alone, because I was like them. Because here, I could be free.
But Lake Ephemeral was not a paradise.
Carnivorous flowers grew here that were larger than a man—the people called them the coffin flower. It puzzled me that anyone would want to live in a place where such a plant had taken hold. Worse, I was soon to find that these people cultivated the coffin flowers. (snip)
This novel received 4.7 stars on Amazon. A clear and inviting voice and high-caliber writing add appeal to this opening page. While there is no direct “something wrong” here, the introduction of the carnivorous flowers leads me to think that there are hazards in this world for this sympathetic character, an orphan who yearns for freedom.
The page devotes itself to introducing an unusual world to us, but in the process raises mysteries and some story questions. Why was she an orphan? Can you be an orphan if there’s a mother? Why does she have no memory of this ephemeral place? What will happen to her now that she’s there? The combination of voice, world, and those questions earned a turn from me. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
I’m drawn by the title and the image—there’s a sense of jeopardy in the young woman up to her neck in what appears to be cold water. I also liked the use of an uncommon word, ephemeral. The only thing that could be stronger is, once again, the author’s name.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for <em>Bad Games</em>, part of a free trilogy. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?
Patrick was fairly certain the white Pontiac was following them. Nothing to be too alarmed about on a country road with few detours, but still, he had that feeling.
When the Pontiac passed his silver Highlander at the first sign of a dotted lane, Patrick looked left. The driver looked back—longer than necessary.
Asshole.
And yet, a few miles later, it was the same white Pontiac that made Patrick stop for gas. Had the car not been parked next to one of the pumps at the battered station, Patrick would have driven past without even tapping the brakes. The place looked barren.
Will there be a confrontation with this guy if I stop?
Nah. There were no horns honked. No middle fingers given. Not even a tough-guy scowl during the long glance. The man simply passed him on a country road—and Patrick had been driving slowly. Alone, his right foot was usually a lead boot on the accelerator, but with his family in the car, Patrick was an old man behind the wheel. Besides, they needed gas. Who knew when they’d come upon another station out here?
He turned in and took the only other pump in front of the Pontiac. The metal tank was a beaten rectangle. It offered two grades: REGUL R and PR MIUM—vowels, Patrick mused, apparently being the preferred meal of the elements around here. He chose PR MIUM and began (snip)
This collection received 4.4 stars on Amazon. Unlike too many self-published novels, the writing is clear and effective. The voice is fine, and the scene is set well enough. The final element needed for a successful opening page is tension.
So a guy exchanges looks and nothing more with another driver. No consequences. It may be that the author is counting on us readers being trained to suspect the most innocuous of circumstances . . . but is that good enough? I don’t think so. There are no story questions raised here, and no clear conflict or issues that need to be dealt with.
I learned from the reviews that this is supposed to be horror/psychological suspense. For me, neither was signaled by this opening page. I read on, and the protagonist faces no problems in the opening chapter—the creepy part stars with chapter 2, way too late for me. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
The title works well and signals the suspense that ought to be inside. Once again, though, the author name fails to have the attention-getting stature it needs to help create a brand.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
In checking the BookBub site, I came across this offer of three free novels in the Emperor’s Edge series. I discovered them before I started writing critiques of BookBub authors. You be the judge, but I wanted to let you know that I absolutely enjoyed this steampunk science fiction series. Highly recommended.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for The Emperor’s Edge. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
Corporal Amaranthe Lokdon paced. Her short sword, night stick, and handcuffs bumped and clanked at her thighs with each impatient step. Enforcer Headquarters frowned down at her, an ominous gray cliff of a building that glowered at the neighborhood like a turkey vulture, except with less charisma.
Amaranthe drew her pocket watch and checked the time. Where was her partner?
At the soft squeak of boots on snow, she looked up. A narrow side street expelled a squat, burly man in enforcer grays. Morning light glinted against the large brass rank pins crowding his collar: four bars under two crossed swords, the mark of a district chief.
Amaranthe fought back a grimace and straightened, heels clicking together. The chief’s dark gaze latched onto her from beneath shaggy gray eyebrows that crashed in the middle when he scowled. He was scowling now.
She swallowed. “Good morning, Chief Gunarth.”
“Lokdon,” he growled. “Does the city pay you to loiter in front of headquarters? Because if the capital city of the Turgonian Empire, the most powerful nation in the world, pays its enforcers to loiter uselessly in front of my headquarters building, I’d think somebody would have mentioned it to me.”
Amaranthe opened her mouth to give him an obedient “yes, sir.” Or was it a “no, sir”? (snip)
This collection received 4.6 stars on Amazon. The writing is strong, the voice promises fun. As for tension here, there is some . . . the arrival of the boss and his scowl suggests trouble is on its way for Amaranthe. By the way, I thought what a dumb name for a female protagonist, but by the series end she had become one of my favorite characters. The other is her antagonistic fellow protagonist, the silent and deadly assassin, Sicarius.
Donald Maass, literary agent and writing coach, might call the tension on this first page “bridging tension.” A problem for a character that engages you and connects to the main story question later. And the implied sexism in this huge man glowering at a female officer is a factor in the story. While this first page may not have clear and serious consequences for this character, I can tell you that I greatly enjoyed all three novels, and went on to buy more in the series. Give it a look. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
Since this is a compilation of three novels, the “cover” isn’t a cover. I’d have the author name larger, though—this author has other excellent series that I’ve read.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for Resistance. a dystopian story. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
Usually, Anaiya feels nothing. Not the impact of her feet on the fractured bitumen surface; not the tingling of sweat at her nape; not the heavy thudding of her heart. Usually it all disappears into a kind of weightlessness – a nothingness that comes only with pure focus. With flow.
But tonight it’s different.
Her concentration fractures, thoughts of the Peacekeeper time trials pricking along the edges of her consciousness. Her times had been good, but her ranking had not shifted. Instead, the gap between second and first had seemed to lengthen. Solidify.
And with that had come an unfamiliar emotion: a hard, spiky insistence she could not shake. Even now, she feels it – an itch she cannot scratch, a cut that threatens to fester.
Distracted, she stumbles against the uneven road. Pain, sharp and insistent, blooms in her ankle and races up her calf. She winces, but does not cry out – Fire Elementals are bred to be hard.
Correcting her stride, she accelerates to make up for the error, frowning as tonight’s patrol partner pulls ahead. Niamh moves effortlessly, his speed a natural extension of the power within him. He is faster than her.
The pain in her ankle ratchets higher, growing in synchronicity with the spiky feeling at (snip)
This novel received 4.2 stars on Amazon. Good, clean writing and a clear voice get this page off to a good start. But then . . .
A paragraph tells us that an unfamiliar emotion comes, but doesn’t include the emotion that is being felt. It’s insistent, but what is it? She’s distracted by the emotion, but if we don’t know what it is, we can’t understand why it’s distracting. The distraction does cause something to go wrong, her ankle is hurt, but there are no consequences to the injury, either now or later. One more thing: she muses about the time trials, but we don’t know what they are or what success in them means. For me, too much is NOT included in this narrative for me to be involved in the character. No go. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
The cover image is interesting, though it didn’t have much meaning for me. But, for science fiction, why not? But the author’s name needs to be stronger, and there was plenty of room to have made it so. A “C” on the cover.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for Once a Soldier. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
Saved a lot of money on therapy bills the past couple of years by consulting my German shepherd mix—instead of driving to some bland office with a still life on the wall, telling an overeducated, under-experienced, credential-burdened wannabe doctor that my life was fucked, and paying his ludicrous fifty-minute fee, so that he could afford his yoga dues and his Vespa payment and his organic, local, blah blah blah cuisine, and perhaps even a cute little Argyle sweater for his seven-pound dog.
Not that my overexperienced, pissed-off, and jaded monkey mind had gotten me much of anywhere, but at least I wasn’t diving in the dirt anymore. The vineyard I’d planted and was currently meandering through had certainly been part of the healing, too.
I still had a lot to get done before the sun fell much farther. The temperature had already dropped fifteen degrees, though that was nothing out of the ordinary for the desert in the Columbia Valley of Eastern Washington. And that’s what it was: full-on desert. A lot of people don’t know that about Washington State. They think, Seattle and rain. Well, once you drive east over the Cascades about two hours from Seattle and get close to Yakima, you’re lucky if it rains. You’re in the desert. And I’m talking the coyotes, rattlesnakes, tumbleweeds, and dust devils-kind of desert.
It had been an especially hot May, and I welcomed the cool evening breeze and a dip into the low sixties. I could hear Roman coming up from behind, weaving his way through the rows of grapevines, as he loved to do. He caught up with me and nudged my leg with a dried-up cane left on the ground from (snip)
This novel received 4.8 stars on Amazon. The writing and voice are fine. But nothing is happening. Do I want to continue reading about nothing happening? Nope. This is info-dump setup, not a sound way to open a novel labeled “thriller,” IMO. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
The cover is okay—the image has mystery to it, and many will recognize the Space Needle in Seattle for the setting. The title treatment is unusual and eyecatching, and the author name is strong enough.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of chapter 1 for Cobweb Bride, book one of a trilogy. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
He came to them in the heart of winter, asking for his Cobweb Bride.
He arrived everywhere, all at once. In one singular moment, he was seen, heard, felt, remembered. Some inhaled his decaying scent. Others bitterly tasted him.
And everyone recognized Death in one way or another, just before the world was suspended.
But Death’s human story began in Lethe, one of the three kingdoms of the Imperial Realm.
It was evening, and the city of Letheburg reposed in amber lantern lights and thickening blue shadows. At some point there had been a silence, a break in the howling of the wind, as the snow started to fall.
The silence preceded him.
Flakes of white glimmered through the frost-blurred glass of the myriad windows of the Winter Palace of Lethe. In moments the snowflakes turned into armies. They piled and compounded, stretched and distended into geometric symmetry. Folding into garlands of impossible gauze veils, they appeared at last to be the faint and vaporous spinnings of a sky-sized ice spider casting its web upon the world.
This fantasy received 4.1 stars on Amazon. Professional writing with an appropriate high-fantasy voice, this started well for me with the introduction of Death and his arrival. So far, so good.
I was with this until the last paragraph on the page, when the flowery language took a long detour to describe a snowfall. Tension died right there, and that makes me wonder if it foreshadows other dense pieces that make the story slow-walk. If that description had not been there, five better lines from the second page would have been included:
While the pallor and the darkness grew outside, Death was arriving within—inside a bedchamber permeated with illness, the boudoir of the old Queen.
In silence he formed out of the cobwebs of the gilded crown molding near the ceiling, the dust motes of desolation, and the fallen shadows in the corner. All these tiny bits and pieces of the mortal world rushed together to shape him.
Yep, with those lines on the first page I would have read on. Your thoughts?
Cover critique
The cover is so-so—the image of the woman’s face is dramatic and eye-catching, though it doesn’t promise much in the way of story. The author’s name is the loser on this cover—make it big and at least look like a best-selling author.
He saw me.