Flogging the Quill

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 379 Steven Paul Leiva—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A double poll this week: We’ll look at the opening page of the prologue and the opening page of chapter one to see if either evokes a page turn.

Here is the opening page of the prologue of Journey to Where, science fiction. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

“In the first place please bear in mind that I do not expect you to believe this story.”

That is how Edgar Rice Burroughs, that master of pulp fiction, the creator of Tarzan and John Carter of Mars, began his 1914 novel At the Earth’s Core. It was an account of an inadvertent trip to the true land down under, a land filled with dinosaurs, strange intelligent creatures, and the oppressed. I can think of no better way to start this account.

But Burroughs’ account was fiction in the guise of non-fiction. Whereas this account is non-fiction in the guise of fiction.

I had no other choice. True as this story may be, it is not my story. It is the story of my brother, Sam Reynolds. You may have heard of him. His fame in scientific circles leaked out into the general population early on. He was once dubbed the Rock & Roll Physicist when he was very young, charismatic, and wild in his theories. You haven’t heard of him lately, for obvious reasons. But once upon…as they say. It is also the story of Sam’s mentor at MIT, John Keegan, who was there and wasn’t there. And the story of Lara Penrose, Sam’s brightest grad student at Caltech; of Danielle Dorlac, a French national, a physicist and leading theorist on the Existentialism of Time, and of Bertram Brill, also mentored by John Keegan and who also was there and not there and may still be there.

How do I know this story? How can I tell it in such detail? Sam came to me. He brought (snip)

The opening page of chapter one:

The solar-powered commuter dirigible moved slow and low over the Mojave Desert, heading towards the Engagement Ring. It was a nickname, of course; coined by a journalist from the United Kingdom, during the first press junket to the VLPA (Very Large Particle Accelerator), arranged by the International Organization for Deep Particle Science (IODPS). She came up with the name partly because the scientists there would be engaging with the universe to unlock its darkest secrets, but mostly because, from a satellite or jet flyover, the damn thing looked like an engagement ring.

Its sixty-mile circumference was marked on the barren landscape, rather prominently, by a circular two-story mound rising out of the desert floor. And at the east end, one could see a small sun glint, as if a precious little diamond rested there. There was actually nothing precious or little, relatively speaking, about the cause of the glint. Rather, it was a utilitarian and massive, domed dirigible hangar, with a sun-deflecting reflective surface.

There were competing nicknames, of course—everyone has a need to be clever. The engineers who built it called it the Gigantron, a name that never really stuck. Opponents had called it the Great Money Sinkhole. And the scientists who worked there, living in the covered, climate-controlled community thirty miles away, called it The Dark Lady, because it was the mysteries of Dark Matter and Dark Energy they were trying to unlock.

You can read more here. This earned 3.6 stars on Amazon (there were not many reviews). I found the prologue to be very inviting. The voice is good, the writing professional. And the first-person narrator manages to raise a number of story questions, among them being how a person can be “there and not there and may still be there.“ There seems to be time travel involved, and I was intrigued.

On the other hand, about the only thing interesting about the first chapter’s first page was a solar-powered dirigible. The rest is all setup that, I’m fairly sure, doesn’t matter to the story. So the question arises—will the rest of the book be engaging as was the prologue, or boring as was the first-chapter page? Is it worth 99 cents to find out? If you’re a Kindle user, you can have a sample sent to it for further evaluation for free. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

An uncommon cold

I hate it when my favorite writing blogs go silent, especially if no reason is given. I've been absent for the last week and a half thanks to a heckuva cold gifted to me by grandson Silas. No Covid, though--I'm totally vaxxed and boosted, and a test proved negative.

My energy should be back soon, and perhaps my brain will work as well--it's hard to focus in the midst of misery.

So see you later.

All best,

Ray

Happy Holidays

Taking a few days off, hope you can too. See you next week.

Ray

 

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 378 Jane Bettany—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening page of Without a Trace, a mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

The rain was relentless; cold and spiteful. Its stinging wetness slapped at Ruth Prendergast’s face as she dashed from her car towards the shelter of the porch. After putting down the groceries she was carrying, she pulled a key from her pocket, unlocked her front door, and hurried inside.

A warm, centrally heated fug closed around her as she stepped into the hallway. Ruth felt for the light switch and flicked it on, glancing censoriously at the scuffed paintwork and gloomy wallpaper. First impressions were important, and her hallway was definitely letting the side down.

After yanking a handful of junk mail from the teeth of the letterbox and hanging up her coat, she threw open the double doors to the living room and turned on more lights to brighten things up. Except for the ticking, clicking sound of the central heating radiators, the silence in the house was absolute.

Ruth had moved to Hollybrook Close three weeks earlier, and was struggling to adjust to the suburban seclusion of her new home. Weirdly, she missed the constant buzz of the traffic-infested main road where, until recently, she had lived with the man who was now her ex-husband.

At the end of the hallway, the kitchen door stood open. She went in and turned on the (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 3.5 stars on Amazon. A classic example of overwriting, something I cover in my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling. Here, for example, is how the first paragraph could go:

The rain was relentless; cold and spiteful. Its stinging wetness slapped at Ruth Prendergast’s face as she dashed from her car towards the shelter of the porch. After putting down the groceries she was carrying, she pulled a key from her pocket, unlocked her front door, and hurried inside.

More than that, I don’t see hide nor hair of a story question, or of anything happening that raises tension. Someone comes home on a rainy day and she moved there three weeks ago? So? This needs an editor, a lot. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 377 Eva Bernhard—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening page of the prologue for Silent Sands, a mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

“She’s coming around.”

Words dimly penetrating. Searing pain wells up from her abdomen—obliterates time—fading away into damp darkness…

Time expands and contracts—separates like plasma. Heat scorches inside and out.

Drops pass lips cracked like dry mud. Dribble down her chin—slowly break a path down her throat, puddling in the hollow of her collarbones. Evaporates on sticky, sweltering skin. Not enough to still the craving for cooling relief.

Half-open eyes meet deep blue concern that melts into a smile.

“Took your sweet time,” greets her efforts to hone in to the now.

Calm features superimpose and exude serenity and kindness.

Nothingness settles in…

Mellow early morning light.

“You’ve made it, kid,” another smiling face intrudes, casts her into shadow.

“Don’t try to talk,” meets her move to part lips sticking fast, parched, and disused.

“She needs fluids. We need to get her to a hospital.”

“How the heck—”

The effort to shake her head makes it spin.

You can read more here. This earned 3.6 stars on Amazon. The writing is sound—I like spare narratives like this, short sentences to make it easy to get involved. I think the lack of a name here limits the degree of attachment a reader might feel, but there’s clearly a woman who is badly injured. What caused the injuries? Will she survive? Will who did this be caught? And on. Seemed like this warranted a further look. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1162 for James—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

James sends the first chapter of Dog River. The rest of the chapter is after the break.

The day he paroled out of Dolph Briscoe prison, Joe Fane said goodbye to the other cons on his block, swapped his inmate whites for donated civvies, and reported to the discharge office. There, a matronly Corrections Officer motioned him to a seat; after verifying his prison ID, she dumped a cascade of paperwork from a manilla envelope onto her desk blotter.

"This is your discharge certificate," she said, pushing an official-looking document toward him, "and your civilian ID... social security card... bus voucher." On she went: drug test, gate money, until finally, as if to ensure that she'd not overlooked something, she gave the manilla envelope a shake.

Out fell a postcard. "Oh," she said. "You've got mail."

Joe glanced at the card. One side bore a touristy photo of a statue; the other a message scrawled in a shaky hand:

"Need you," it read. "Come soonest. Tell no one."

The card was signed with a capital "O," which could only mean Orrin Hauser. There was no date, and the postmark was smeared, leading Joe to wonder how much of his old mentor's "soonest" had ticked away.

The CO interrupted his thoughts: "Last thing.... Once you arrive in Houston, you have twenty-four hours to register at a parole office. Otherwise, that's a violation." She gave him a (snip)

The writing and voice are okay, and it’s kind of interesting to see someone being released from prison . . . but where’s a problem for this character to deal with? His life is getting better, right? And there’s no hint of trouble ahead, not in what happens, not in what he thinks.

This opening is setup. Much of the next few pages is that, backstory and exposition to fill the reader in . . . but no trouble. You ask me, James should open with a brief paragraph letting us know this guy is just out of prison, for example . . .

Joe Fane left the bus station behind him, free from the prison it had delivered him from. He took a deep breath and didn’t even mind the car exhaust fumes surrounding him, talking long strides to put that part of his past behind him as fast as possible. He turned the corner and smiled. Free.

. . . and then go to this narrative taken a few pages down:

A vehicle swung onto the street behind him, headlights casting his shadow on the sidewalk ahead. A junker, from the sound of its leaky muffler. It drew abreast and--Jesus, that racing stripe, the LeBaron . . .

A man hollered from an open window-- "Hey, Fane!" --and with a muted pop, a needle-sharp pain stabbed Joe's neck. A flaming-hot electric shock stunned his muscles. In soundless slow motion the sidewalk rose to meet him, and he smacked into the pavement, knowing he'd been Tasered.

It continues in a way that invites reading further. When you're assessing your first page, keep in mind the second item on the checklist: Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character. That's what the current opening lacks.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by James.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 376 Kate Atkinson—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening page for Case Histories, a mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

How lucky were they? A heat wave in the middle of the school holidays, exactly where it belonged. Every morning the sun was up long before they were, making a mockery of the flimsy summer curtains that hung limply at their bedroom windows, a sun already hot and sticky with promise before Olivia even opened her eyes. Olivia, as reliable as a rooster, always the first to wake, so that no one in the house had bothered with an alarm clock since she was born three years ago.

Olivia, the youngest and therefore the one currently sleeping in the small back bedroom with the nursery-rhyme wallpaper, a room that all of them had occupied and been ousted from in turn. Olivia, as cute as a button they were all agreed, even Julia, who had taken a long time to get over being displaced as the baby of the family, a position she had occupied for five satisfying years before Olivia came along.

Rosemary, their mother, said that she wished Olivia could stay at this age forever because she was so lovable. They had never heard her use that word to describe any of them. They had not even realized that such a word existed in her vocabulary, which was usually restricted to tedious commands: come here, go away, be quiet, and—most frequent of all—stop that. Sometimes she would walk into a room or appear in the garden, glare at them, and say, Whatever it is you’re doing, don’t, and then simply walk away (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4 stars on Amazon. While the writing and voice are good, the voice alone wasn’t enough to keep me moving. I need a hint of something happening or about to happen. Nothing here, no story questions. Interestingly, the blurb on Amazon says that this was called "The best mystery of the decade" by Stephen King. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1161 for Ken—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Ken sends the first chapter of Blindsided, a crime novel. The rest of the chapter is after the break.

New York City, February 1968

Nick Doyle couldn’t stop the burst of freeze-frame images of death each time he cast his eyes into the dark featureless shadows. Not the actual death but the moment—that split second that foreshadowed the end. Often it was the faint metallic click of the safety on a sniper’s rifle, the vision of his face bracketed between the marks in an unseen telescope. The distant crack of gunpowder exploding, a .50 caliber bullet screaming towards him at 940 feet per second.

As he walked down Third Street in the Lower East Village with Yasmin Abramov, officially his fiancée as of an hour ago, their footsteps echoed off the deserted brownstones. Otherwise, it was quiet, just the murmur of background noise that radiated through this part of the city at night.

This cold and desolate street was different from his memory of the Mekong Delta’s steamy air and musty vegetation. But the fear was the same. In the jungle he listened to the cacophony of birds and insects while he waited for death, wondering where the bullet would come from.

Now, as a cop, walking these dangerous streets, he was always vigilant. Even off duty, even after a romantic dinner with Yasmin, he listened for something other than the monotonous din of the city as he waited for the hushed neighborhood to turn into a shit storm.

There’s a lot to be said for this opening. Good voice and good writing—except for casting his eyes into the dark. The misuse of eyes being thrown here and there is a pet peeve of mine. Use gaze, or stare, or anything that doesn’t require the removal of eyeballs from eye sockets.

The opening does a good job of foreshadowing trouble to come . . . but, when you get to it, this is primarily backstory and setup—sometimes called throat-clearing. Get to something happening in the first page rather than an elaborate tease to snare a reader’s interest. The whole chapter is basically setup, and nothing but hand-holding, a kiss, and trepidation happen. Set the scene as you have, cold and dangerous, no cabbies, etc., bring us in with the woman’s happiness, and then get to something happening to her or him or them. The first page is your best, and often only, opportunity to hook a reader. Don’t spend it all on a non-event. That’s my view. What is yours?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Ken.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 375 R.P. Bolton—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Here the opening page (prologue) for The Perfect House, a psychological thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

A strip of light wakes her. The banister creaks. She knows what this means: he is back. Holding the tiny bundle close to her chest, she pulls the blanket over her head. Perhaps this time the cocoon of wool will fool him into believing the room is empty.

It never does.

The bolts are drawn and there is breathing, laboured from the climb. Smells of alcohol and damp earth.

Peering through the weave in the blanket, she sees him silhouetted in the doorway. His disgust crawls across her, but she won’t be ashamed. She won’t.

‘Be a good girl, Mary,’ her father says.

You can read more here. This earned 5 stars on Amazon. Well, just like this prologue, this won’t take long. Prologues are usually wasted on me, but this one is a gripper. In a few brief lines the setting was clear, the character sympathetic, and trouble ahead to raise story questions. Who could ask for more? Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a free BookBubber 374 Wendy M. Wilson—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging free books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page for Recalled to Life, historical fiction. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Earache In any form may be quickly relieved (says a medical writer) by filling the organ with chloroform vapour from an uncorked bottle; vapour only, not the liquid; and mamma’s bag should always contain a small vial of it, as it is useful in many ways. Ten drops upon a lump of sugar is an excellent remedy for hiccough or ordinary nausea, and I have recalled to life more than one person pronounced dead from sunstroke, with half a teaspoonful, clear, poured down his throat. New Zealand Times, 8 April 1890

“What’s he done then, this bloke they’re bringing ashore,” said the man in the shawl kilt. “Murdered someone?”

“No clue. But we was told you was taking ‘im upriver. Must be somefink bad. They didn’t tell you?”

“Nah. I just do as I’m told,” said the man in the kilt. “But they’re a bad lot up there. Don’t know why they keep them alive. Not good for anything and they can’t let them go.”

“How’re you going to get him there?”

The man in the kilt nodded to a cart back near the sandhills. “Put him in that and take him to the river. Then up the river by flatboat. I have some blokes waiting for me on the dock.”

“What if he’s a fighter?”

The man in the kilt didn’t answer. He’d been wondering about that himself. He had a (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. The reference to New Zealand in the 1800’s stirred immediate interest. It’s a place I’d love to go. The opening bit about the headache is a fascinating glimpse into the society there at that time, but not a tension producer. We don’t see the main protagonist yet—if, indeed, he is the bloke they’re waiting on—but still the narrative introduces an person who could bring trouble, and trouble is the source of story questions. The writing and voice are strong, too. With all that, plus New Zealand, I’d look a little further. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.