Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 291: Christina Garner—out-of-body prologue doesn’t quite cut it

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the prologue of Gateway (teen & young adult). A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

In the end, only the Voice remained.

I told you it would be better this way…

I was drifting, floating on something too silky to be water. It was warm, and it penetrated the deepest parts of me.

The Voice was right. It was always right. Everything finally felt soft. My sharpest edges were being worn away, melting into oblivion. I felt like candle wax before it cooled; nothing to do but let the remaining drops of consciousness slide down…  

Pain. Where did that come from? How could I feel pain when I didn't have a body anymore?

My throat. It was my throat, being stabbed, or—

Shh…let it go. Let all the pain go. Rest easy…

For a moment I was comforted, the gentle motion of the not-quite-water lulling me, pulling me back to safety.

But I was heaving. Huge, uncontrollable spasms. And then I was vomiting, although that word isn’t strong enough. I was erupting. The contents of my stomach spewed from my mouth, my nose. The wetness hit my chest, then my belly, and finally dribbled down my chin. My mouth tasted of charcoal. The warmth receded. The peace went with it. And I knew.

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.4 stars on Amazon. By the way, these 17 lines were all of the prologue.

If you know enough about the pumping of stomachs, then the clues might have clued you in—the throat pain, the taste of charcoal, the vomiting. But if you didn’t what does this opening do? The writing is good, and so is the voice. But for me it’s a step too vague about what’s going on. I understand the author is going for the dreamy state of someone who has overdosed on sedatives, but how compelling is it? The story question is what is going on, but do I care? Not yet. For me, there just wasn’t enough there there, enough to draw me in.

Cover critique

The cover works for me. The girl lets me know what to expect in a teen heroine, the graphics around her hint at fantasy and magic, and the blue tone is arresting. Title is just fine, author name could be larger. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 290: James Harper—information question kills promising opening

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the first chapter of Bad to the Bones. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

‘Hey, you! What the hell you think you’re doing, you pervert?’

The indignant shout carried all the way across the quiet of the parking lot, cutting through the steady drizzle that had been coming down for the past hour. Evan turned towards it, saw a guy coming out of the motel lobby, starting towards him, something black in his hand.

I’m going to kick this door in, what does it look like?

But then the guy stopped, thinking better of it.

‘I’m calling the police right now.’ He turned back towards the office, paused again when Evan didn’t move. ‘You hear me?’

Evan heard him, he wasn’t deaf. Wet and cold, feeling slimy, but not deaf. It was now or never.

He hated this.

He hated all of it, but this was the worst by far. It made him loathe himself. Made him want to poke his own eyes out. It brought home just how grubby and squalid it all was. How far into the stinking gutter of humanity he’d fallen. How warmly that gutter had embraced him. The guy was right. It had turned him into a degenerate and a pervert.

It was confrontational and dangerous with all the testosterone and adrenalin bouncing around the room. He could look after himself if it all kicked off, but you never knew how they’d (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.4 stars on Amazon. I have one fatal issue with this otherwise strong opening. It’s not that we’re not in an immediate scene—we are, and there’s plenty of tension. Story questions are raised. There’s a promise of jeopardy for the protagonist. There’s more musing than I like, but it goes to character and I could probably have accepted that if it weren’t for that one issue.

The issue is illustrated by these pronouns in paragraphs 7, 8, and 9: “this,” “it,”, “this,” “it,” “It,” “It,” and “It.” All of those pronouns have no antecedent. We have no idea what they refer to, yet “it” is key to understanding what is going on in the character’s mind and in the story. All those pronouns raise an information question—what the hell is “it?” I hate information questions. They seek to create tension when they only serve to create frustration. If we knew what “it” was, then we’d understand what is happening, what the stakes are, something about the story.

But we don’t. Oh, the tone of the narrative suggests that “it” is a bad thing, but for me that’s not enough to raise this to the level of compelling. Take my advice: include your reader in what is going on and don’t rely upon withholding necessary information to create a false sense of tension.

Cover critique

I think the cover is okay. I approve of the typography. The image is vague and doesn’t contribute much other than a dark mood, but the title is strong and the cover does enough to spark interest. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 289: Brad Smith—a fine example of how to kill an opening with exposition

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of Red Means Run. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The rain that had threatened all day finally retreated without delivering a single drop; the heavy clouds scattered to the east and the late afternoon sun breached the tall windows in the office, banking off the bookshelves on the wall opposite where Mickey Dupree sat, leaning back in his chair, his feet up on the desk, his passive expression belying the impatience lingering within. On top of the bookshelves was gathered the usual bric-a-brac one might find in a law office—commendations from various community groups, letters of gratitude from prominent clients, declarations attesting to this accomplishment or that. Among these insignificant items was a framed certificate stating that Mickey had scored a hole in one on the sixteenth hole at the Burr Oak Golf and Country Club. Glancing at it now served only to remind him that he was at this minute supposed to be teeing off at the course, rather than sitting idly waiting for Chuck and Sally Fairchild to arrive.

The certificate in its walnut frame was coated with a thin layer of dust, as were the other items there. Mickey noticed the dust only when the sun hit the window at a certain angle late in the day, at an hour when he was usually finishing his second Rusty Nail at Harry’s Pub, and he always made a note to tell the cleaning woman to take care of it, invariably forgetting about it by the following day. He’d made the hole in one in September 1989, and it had been his first and only ace to date. The year itself had held a number of firsts for Mickey, and a more sentimental (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.3 stars on Amazon. Oh, my. I’ve read more-interesting dictionary pages. This character is about to be murdered, so necessarily we need to have plenty of exposition and backstory about him right here, right now, right at the time the author needs to set his hooks. Right?

Couldn’t be more wrong.

Cover critique

The cover works well. The image goes along with the title and suggests action to come, the title is strong and nicely done (I may emulate it sometime), and the author name clear and in an important position. Cover was a lot more interesting than the first page. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 288: Lauren Nicolle Taylor—words wasted, no story question, no tension

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of The Woodlands. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

When I was eight years old, I got the distinct and unsettling impression I was unsuited to life in Pau Brazil. That my life would go off like the single firework on Signing Day. A brilliant burst of shimmering color and noise that exploded in the sky momentarily, then disappeared into the black night air.

* * *

A slip of yellow paper shot under the door in the evening, spinning across the floor like a flat top and colliding with my father’s foot. It was an official notice informing everyone that Superior Grant was visiting in three days’ time. He had a special announcement to make.

Citizens scrambled to make their lawns more perfect than they were before. Uniforms were pressed and cleaned. All the children were expected to line up around the edges of the center Ring and await the great man himself.

I was excited, but my excitement had an edge of terror to it— this was a Superior. My father warned me to not get my hopes up.

“He’s just a man, like the rest of us,” my father said as he knelt down to adjust my oversized uniform and tighten my ribbon.

My mother tsked and fussed around in the kitchen. “Pelo, don’t say things like that to her. I don’t want you filling her head with your ridiculous ideas.”

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.1 stars on Amazon. I’m a fan of postapocalyptic young adult fiction, and the blurb for this book says it’s for readers of The Hunger Games and Divergent, both of which I have read and enjoyed. Well, this author should have looked at the opening page of The Hunger Games for a guide to an opening page. That novel's first paragraph establishes tension and raises story questions, then creates character for the main protagonist.

Not so much with this one. I’ll call the opening paragraph “backstory musing.” It doesn’t take place in the now of the story, nor does it raise story questions in my mind. Having wasted words on that, the narrative offers a coming visit by a dignitary. There is some stress in the character’s mind, but no clue as to whether it has to do with real jeopardy or not. No story questions raised, no tension. I was disappointed.

Cover critique

This cover was basically a loser for me. Even though I leaned in and studied the main graphic, I couldn’t really figure out what it was or what it represented—and those are things that a quick scan or glance at the cover should give you. The title is fine, but the author name too small to give a sense of “this is a real author.” What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 287: Rick Treon—humdrum nothingburger here, no question, overwriting

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of Deep Background. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

In two years, Lucky Levi had developed an affinity for skinny bitches. The drink, that is. Vodka, soda, and lime, a low-calorie cocktail that helped him fit in his suits despite drinking at hotel bars far more frequently than a person should. And, if he only wanted to appear tipsy for the sake of female company, he could discreetly tell the bartender to hold the vodka.

Levi Cole, chief investigative reporter for the Dallas Daily Star, also enjoyed flying to the East Coast, staying in fancy hotels, and sleeping with women like Emily Greene. She worked in Atlanta for Georgia Barrett, who hosted cable’s second-most-watched primetime news program. And as the mid-term elections drew closer, Levi had become a frequent member of the show’s discussion panels, which meant more opportunities with Emily.

“Are you ever going to tell me how you got that dirt on Lockwood?” she asked as she put her hand on his bare forearm. Like all the other times they’d been together, Levi had rolled up his white shirtsleeves and loosened his tie after appearing on the show.

“You’re cute, but you know I can’t reveal—”

“My sources,” they said together.

“So, I’m just cute?”

“No,” Levi said, leaning in. Emily was, as it happened, skinny. And blonde. And tall. As she had been during those previous encounters, Emily was wearing what she had once called her (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.6 stars on Amazon. Well, Levi may be lucky, but this reader wasn’t when he read this opening page. In addition to basically being about nothing much, there’s clear evidence of overwriting to be on the way—the detail about him rolling up his sleeves and when he does it is unimaginably superfluous. With no story questions raised and the foreshadowing of writing issues to come, this was a quick pass for me. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Good typography on the title and author name, but the graphic fails in the sense that, even at the larger size that’s on Amazon, it’s almost impossible to make out the word “scandal” in all that redness. It works in the large size you see on the Kindle, but that’s too late for catching the eye of a browsing reader on a website. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 286: K.J. Farnham—good story questions, but overwriting clogs the narrative

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the prologue of Spin. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

I take a deep, cleansing breath as I grip the knob of Jenna’s bedroom door. It’s been thirteen days since I was last in there—a record since bringing her home from the hospital and laying her in her bassinet sixteen years ago.

“Quick in and out, Lulu. Okay?” I look down at Jenna’s dog. Every few days, the black lab incessantly whines and scratches where the door meets the floor, eager to enter her beloved owner’s room. Today happens to be one of those days.

As soon as I open the door a crack, Lulu bolts inside, causing me to lose my grip on the knob and forcing the door to fly wide open. The energetic dog quickly gets to work sniffing every square inch of Jenna’s room as if searching for clues that might reveal her whereabouts.

I smile somberly and shake my head before stepping inside and glancing around the room. The sting in my heart isn’t nearly as sharp as I anticipated it would be, but it’s there, nonetheless.

My gaze falls to Jenna’s desk, which has been left untouched since the police came through to look for items of interest. Surrounding Jenna’s Chromebook are a holder for pens and Post-it notes, a tube of lip balm, a basket with random keepsakes, and a few notebooks and textbooks—all items that the police had left behind.

To me, Jenna is missing, not gone for good. Missing, not dead, despite what the (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.5 stars on Amazon. There’s good news and bad news in this opening. On the good side, we meet a sympathetic character, the mother. The mother has a problem with high stakes, a missing teenage daughter. You can’t help but want to know what happened to Jenna? Is she dead? What will the mom do to find her?

On the not-so-good side, this narrative needs editing, needs sharpening. It’s overwritten, and it will be a chore to read if the rest of the book goes on that way. For example, an edit I would make:

As soon asWhen I crack open the door a crack, Lulu bolts inside, causing me to lose my grip on the knob and forcing the door to fly wide open. The energetic dog quickly She gets to work sniffing every square inch of Jenna’s room as if searching for clues that might reveal her whereabouts.

Your thoughts?

Cover critique

I like that we see a troubled young woman who looks like a teen, which tells us something of what the story is about. She seems to have troubles, and I think that’s enough to get a look at the first page. For the author name, tighten up the kerning and make the font LARGER. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 285: Lindsay Buroker—strong action opening warrants a page-turn for me

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the prologue of Warrior Mage: Chains of Honor, Book 1. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Yanko stifled a groan, trying to blink away the sand in his eyes and spit out the dirt plastering his tongue. Pain shot from his hands to his neck as his arms were nearly twisted from their sockets. He tried to ignore the titters whispering from the rows of young men and women watching him, but embarrassment flushed his cheeks. He couldn’t see them—he couldn’t see much more than people’s shoes at the moment—but he knew his father and uncle were watching too. Probably with their faces buried in their hands.

“How’s that taste, kid?” the behemoth grinding his knee into Yanko’s back asked.

Kid? Yanko was eighteen now, the same age as most of the other Stargrind applicants. Just because this hulking thug had been in prison or chained to the oars in a longship for long enough to grow a beard down to his chest didn’t mean Yanko was the anomaly here. He shifted his hips, trying to buck the big man off him, but with his arms pinned behind his back, he couldn’t find the necessary leverage. His opponent only shoved him deeper into the dirt of the training arena.

“Tastes fine,” Yanko rasped around the dust in his throat. “A little nutrient depleted perhaps, but nothing some enhanced compost wouldn’t help.”

“What?” The thug jostled Yanko, as if he had been speaking in a foreign language.

“Doesn’t anyone study the earth sciences these days?”

Full disclosure:I’m a big fan of this author. I first read her Emporer’s Edge series and loved it (have read it twice now). I’ve gone on to read (and pay to read) more of her series. I highly recommend her.

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.4 stars on Amazon. We’re immediately immersed in the struggles of a character who is clearly in jeopardy. There’s a sense of humor here, too, with the character’s sarcastic responses to the guy who’s beating him up. Yanko has attitude and grit (in addition to that in his mouth), so he’s a likeable character for me. Good story questions raised—what will happen next, why is this happening to Yanko? I’ll be turning the page. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The artwork gives us what to expect inside—colorful fantasy action. The title is strong, and the author’s name clear. Works for me. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 284: James Quinn—musing, info dump, no story

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the prologue of Rogue Wolves: A Cold War Espionage Thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The diver had spent the past week swimming along the same stretch of the Antiguan coastline. It was a beautiful stretch; clear waters, perfect vacation brochure beaches, quiet atmosphere. It was the perfect place to relax and maybe even to retire to. One day…

And why not? he was older now, with the free time and resources to be able to do that. Maybe he would retire here completely, leave the USA behind once and for all. Maybe write a novel here? Be like that Fleming guy and write spy stories. Well, they did say write what you know about. Didn't they?

Richard Higgins had once been one of the CIA's shining stars – in fact, he had risen to the lofty heights of Assistant to the Deputy Director of Operations. He had been a Cold Warrior of the old school. A spy's spy.

Until the fall….

To him, the fall was born out of duty and the desire to do the right thing. Some people, he was sure, viewed it as an act of revenge. And while many may have secretly sympathised with him, as professionals, they would cast a disapproving eye.

Richard Higgins lifted his body out of the warm water and looked around at the coastline. There was nothing for miles, only tranquillity and peace. The only other 'neighbour' was a small sailing boat, bobbing about, anchored a mile away in the distance. It was seemingly empty.

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.7 stars on Amazon. This opening counts on the reader’s past experience with spy stories, it seems to me, to create tension that isn’t in the narrative. An experienced reader can see “retired spy” as foreshadowing something bad happening to him. There’s a bit of a tease with the sailboat being “seemingly” empty. But it’s a mile away, which doesn’t seem all that dangerous.

But, other than that, this opening has both musing and the author intruding with a brief info dump. No actual story questions raised, as far as I can tell. Will the rest of the story be like this? Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The gun and moody blue are okay for evoking spy thriller, though a little on the cliched side. But the author is hardly going to make a name for himself with his name that small. This cover doesn’t work as hard as it needs to. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 283: Misty Evans—strong voice, interesting new territory works for me

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the prologue of 1st Shock: A Schock Sisters Private Investigator Mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

My name is Megan Eleanor Schock and I rebuild the dead.

I'm not being dramatic either. As we speak, I'm contemplating Emily, a woman who sits in the corner of my office where I greet her every morning and promise justice. She's young. Probably a teenager, tossed away like trash and left to the utter warfare imposed on a human body when animals and Mother Nature feast on it.

I'm not even sure Emily is her name. All I know is when they come to me, usually via a law enforcement official trying to solve a cold case, I need to give them life. An identity someone stole from them.

My sister, Charlie, thinks I'm obsessed.

I damn well might be.

Ask if I care.

We formed a private investigation firm and share equal partnership in it. Charlie, a forensic psychologist and one hell of a profiler, does most of the investigating while I do the sculpting. Forensic sculpting is one of my specialties and I, unfortunately, have a steady stream of subjects to further hone my skills on.

One of those is Joseph—at least, that’s the name I've given him. He was brought to me by a sheriff from Louisiana. It's yet another cold case that needs to be solved so I've volunteered my (snip

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.6 stars on Amazon. I found two things appealing about this first page. The first was the voice and personality of the character—she had me at “Ask if I care.” The second is that the story promises to be a cold case murder mystery told from the vantage point of a forensic sculptor. That’s a new one for me, and a journey into strange new territory is appealing. So I’ll give it a spin. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

For me, this one works, primarily because of the red title treatment. That and the desolate scene with someone fleeing (though I had to look close to see that part) sets the mood well enough. The authors’ names are prominent and clear, too. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 282: John W Mefford—ruminating ruins tension

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the prologue of On Edge (An Ozzie Novak Thriller Book 1). A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The red-stamped letters on the sealed envelope are as big as mountains. A sickening waft of wet ink hangs in the air. And the cacophony of voices sounds like a garbage disposal full of chopped glass.

You, Ozzie Novak, a twenty-eight-year-old husband and half owner of Novak and Novak, LLC—at least in name—think you have life figured out. And then it kicks you in the nuts with a precision that could never be mistaken as an accident. Drowning out the sensory attack, you replay the last few hours to see how it possibly could have been avoided.

A morning almost like every other: an early coffee, always flavored with something like hazelnut or vanilla, and a piece of fruit in your hand. Usually an apple, orange, or pear. Apples are the hardest. Choosing the apple this morning actually has a benefit.

We’ll get to that in a minute.

On your way out the door, an air kiss from the wife. She says she can’t smudge her makeup. You push the insecurity of her not kissing you—not really kissing you for the last two months—to the back of your mind and hang it on her justification. You try not to think about the fact that she’s provided five such explanations during this moratorium on anything resembling intimacy. Each, on its own merit, holds weight. But when viewing her broader body of work—yes, you realize you’re thinking in terms of acting—the excuses make you wonder if she thinks (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.6 stars on Amazon. I was willing to excuse/go along with a narrative in the second person (it switches to first person in the second chapter, don’t understand why), but I can’t abide a round of rumination. The subtitle told me this was a thriller, and a hint of domestic troubles does not a thriller make, IMO. And then there’s the beginning with the over-the-top description of the envelope and the information question it raises, a no-no for me. Why withhold what the envelope is about? If there are stakes or consequences associated with it, why not include that? In fact, the envelope holds a subpoena that threatens the character, but we sure don’t get that. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The author is strong, and the energy of the offset title is good, draws attention. The image, though, doesn’t help much for me. The silhouette of the man holds a gun at his side, but at the size of the thumbnail on Amazon you can’t tell that. On Amazon, the subtitle is just barely readable. If it's important, it could have easily been larger. This cover is not a winner, not a loser. If the guy with the gun had been seeable, it would work better. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.