Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 275: Rich Curtin—so-so narrative, but there’s a story question

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of The Shaman’s Secret, Manny Rivera Mystery Series #7. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Deputy Sheriff Manny Rivera was in an upbeat mood as he cruised through the curves of Highway 128 alongside the Colorado River. The massive red rock walls on each side of the river glowed a shimmering, copper color as an early November sun rose in a clear blue sky. The tourist season was winding down and the need for law enforcement actions was dwindling—and that suited him just fine. He was hopeful things would stay that way. Gloria Valdez would be arriving from New Mexico in three days and he didn’t want anything to interfere with his plans for spending a couple of fun days with her. The buzzing of his cell phone interrupted his thoughts.

The caller was Millie Ives, the sheriff’s dispatcher. Rivera had learned years ago that when she called him by cell phone instead of police-band radio, it was a sensitive and serious matter that she didn’t wish to share with the hundreds of Moab civilians who owned police scanners. He instantly feared his plans for Gloria’s visit were in jeopardy.

“Manny, a Moab local by the name of James Kirtland just called and reported a shooting out in the Big Triangle. One man seriously wounded. An EMS unit from Grand Junction has been dispatched. Kirtland said he believes the shooting was deliberate. The Dolores River is running low enough so you’ll be able to drive across the gravel bar at Roberts Bottom.” She gave him the GPS coordinates of the crime scene and directions for navigating the dirt roads which (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This novel earned 4.7 stars on Amazon. Well, there are good mystery story questions raised in this opening—there has been what sounds like a murder, and we’re with the lawman. I didn’t feel a lot of urgency in this, though some is implied by the secretiveness of the dispatcher. I also thought the writing was a little clunky. But it looks worth one more page. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

For me, this is the worst cover I’ve seen. The author’s name is marginalized, and the background art doesn’t give me much regarding story or a crime. There are strange markings on the landscape, but they're hard to make out and I don’t connect them with mystery. Title is okay. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 274: Grant McKenzie—grim opening, lots of tension

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of K.A.R.M.A.. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The boy closed the cubicle door and dropped to his knees. The floor was cold and slick like a slab of mortuary marble.

In front of him, a man loosened his tie and lowered the lid on the discolored plastic oval. The man’s eyes drifted into puffy slits as he bent his knees and rested his back against the water tank. A familiar cool dampness eased the tense muscles in his shoulders and back.

The man’s trousers, subtle pinstripe with a shiny, over-ironed crease, and accompanying baby blue boxers dropped around his ankles with practiced ease. The silver buckle of his belt pinged against the side of the porcelain bowl with the gentle peal of a Christmas bell.

With greedy anticipation, the man inhaled deeply and curled his lips into a cruel smile.

The boy leaned forward, his timid gaze never rising above the man’s waist. Excited fingers slid through his hair and a quick glance skyward revealed the man’s eyes closed tight in ecstasy at the first gentle touch. A sharp, delicious tingle electrified the man’s body in a noticeable wave until his mind abruptly registered pain.

“What the fuck!”

The man attempted to jump to his feet, but two more sharp slices of agony opened rivers in his inner thighs to drop him back onto the toilet seat. His eyes widened as the boy stood up, slivers of glistening metal in his hands.

You can turn the page and read more here. This opening promises a grim story ahead. The pedophilia in action is hard to take, but then the twist raises story questions and sympathy for the boy. The omniscient narrative is fairly distant and not immersive, but, considering what’s going on, I think I’m grateful for that. I don’t want to be too deep in the experience of either of these characters. But the tension is strong, as is the “what happens next?” story question. I’ll look further. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Good job on author name and title. But, for me, the art is on the muddy side and doesn’t communicate quickly. I sorta have to study it to realize the razor blade and blood, and I have no idea what the grid is in the back ground. Not a failure, but not a success, either. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 273: Elizabeth Sims—does voice do it for this one?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of The Actress. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

I screamed.

I filled my lungs with the stale, coffee-smelling air of the dungeon and let out a ragged howl that ricocheted off the cold walls. I closed my eyes and screamed again as every cell in my body writhed in a futile attempt to deny the horror that was being inflicted on me by the guy in glasses holding a small cardboard box that said Death.

The guy, who had introduced himself as Ned, stood to the side and brandished the box in his freckled hands. I decided to scream once more, this one a sharp, convulsive type of cry.

"OK," said the casting director, a thin black woman named M'kenge, with expressive hands. "OK, Rita, please do it again, only"—she cupped her hands as if to suppress a flower growing—"this time don't shrink down. Get all taut and tall, like you're going to break out of your skin." Upward release of hands.

I did so. I stood at attention, remembering I was supposed to be tied to a pole, put my hands behind my back—behind my butt, actually, which looks more like natural bondage because your shoulders aren't all hiked up—and arched my neck like Joan of Arc at the stake. Ned shook the box at me and I screamed.

When you take a breath to do a scream, you don't just grab a gulp of air and let go. You need to take the time to load your lungs all the way to the bottom. You need to pull all the slack (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This novel earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. Right from the start, the voice in this narrative is engaging. The screaming opening is almost, but not quite, a bait-and-switch. Her ability to act is a key requirement for this character. But does this raise story questions? I guess there’s the “will she get the gig?” question, but how gripping is that? We don’t know stakes if she doesn’t (they are dire, for her), so the tension is low. My take: if she’d gotten the fact that the actress will lose her 4-year-old child if she doesn’t get work on the first page, this would be a go. As it is, the voice is enough for me to give the next page a look, but I’d better run into some story soon. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

For me, this cover is on the ho-hum side. It does a good job with author name and the title, but the images denote justice or a trial. I guess that’s okay, but not a lot of tension there. The green thing sports images of a scale, but you have to study it to get that. This is supposed to be a mystery, and I think the cover could be stronger. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 272: BV Lawson—Good writing is not enough

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of Played to Death. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

It was a helluva welcome to a town. More a raw wound on the landscape than a sign—with large red letters weeping down the front of muddy plywood: Cape Unity, Home of Real Americans! Developers and Other Devils Turn Back Now! Scott Drayco hoped to take in some sights near the waters of the Chesapeake Bay, but this wasn’t what he had in mind.

The overlook next to the sign was deserted except for Drayco in his vintage Oldsmobile Starfire, its indigo paint coordinating like bruised skin with the amber sky. He climbed out and looked toward the Bay. The Atlantic Ocean on the opposite side of the Peninsula lay hidden from view by barrier islands, but it wasn’t hard to imagine long-ago European immigrants in fragile ships catching sight of these shores. Perhaps he shared more in common with those exhausted pilgrims than he cared to admit.

The cold wind blew stinging sprays of saltwater into his eyes, but it felt good. One way to know he was no longer hemmed in by an urban metropolis. Not to mention that unmistakable shore aroma, Eau de Seaweed with a pinch of fish market. He had to keep pushing wind-swept hair out of his eyes, his fingers pulling away dark strands. His barber said mid-thirties was a bit early to go bald, just lay off the stress and “you’ll be fine.” Maybe next lifetime.

Looking at his watch, Drayco heaved a deep sigh and slid back into the driver’s seat. The rumble of the engine’s eight cylinders probably sounded like a sea monster to the native wildlife.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This novel earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. This is a murder mystery. You got that from the opening page, right? Wrong. While the writing is good, as is the voice, there’s just nothing much happening here. The story could be about real estate developers for all we know. Perhaps using internal monologue to show the character’s thoughts that could create some tension would work. As it is, this doesn’t work for me. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The bloody hand does a great job of communicating the genre and nature of the story. I think the old music sheet as the background is too muddy to understand at the sizes you see on the internet. If it were enlarged somewhat I think it would work. Title and author are okay, but I think the author’s name is not distinct enough from the red background. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 271: Daniel O’Connor—good start peters out

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of Sons of the Pope. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Even his thoughts were in Brooklynese.

Alls I gotta do is hope for a miracle. Not a Hail-Mary-catch-in-the-end-zone kinda miracle. Not even what they call the “miracle of childbirth.” I need an actual freakin’ balls-to-the-wall miracle.

And when the hell does it snow on Thanksgiving?

Peter Salerno grabbed a handful of socks from his drawer and tossed them into the open suitcase on the bed behind him. All the socks were black. Ham-fistedly digging through the dresser, he accidentally uncovered a black Smith & Wesson snub-nosed revolver. Once a gleaming prize of a weapon, it was now encased in a thin layer of lint and dust. Even so, it was still loaded.

***

The sun struggled to rise as the snow blew stronger in the Brooklyn dawn. Peter stuffed the final suitcase into the trunk of his worn beige Buick. He labored to fit it on top of the folded wheelchair. The fresh snowflakes melted on contact with his sweaty face.

No matter the temperature, humidity, or circumstance, Peter Salerno sweated. Now forty-one and heavyset with sprinkles of gray throughout his shiny black hair, he sweated no more or less than when he was a skinny teenager.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This novel earned 4.6 stars on Amazon. The opening pov character scene raises story questions right away—and I wished we’d stayed there when the narrative switches to a guy putting a suitcase in his trunk. If that part had had any tension, any promise of trouble ahead for the character, I’d have read on. As it is, it’s a tossup. Could be stronger. It would be an unearned page-turn, prompted mostly by the opening scene. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Cover and title have a lot going for them. Knowing that popes aren’t supposed to have children, the “sons of” raises immediate story questions. The illustration of the bullet casting the shadow of a cross lets us know it’s crime fiction and raises more story questions. Finally, though the author’s name isn’t huge, it’s big enough, and its placement by the bullet assures that it will be noted. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 270: Joseph Flynn—once again, setup smothers tension

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of Tall Man in Ray-Bans. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Haden Wolf heard an animal growl. Serafina Wolf y Padilla heard a baby squall.

Without exchanging a word, they raced off along the path through the underbrush in the foothills of the Sangre de Cristo Mountains. They ran in the direction of the commotion. Serafina, short and lithe, built for both speed and endurance, was in the lead. Haden, tall and muscular, pounded along behind his wife, watching for hazards on the trail that Serafina avoided instinctively. He also made sure the Winchester he carried didn’t discharge accidentally.

The Wolfs had gone out at dawn to gather Rocky Mountain Brookmint. Made into tea, the herb was used to settle stomachaches and colic in young children. It was also helpful at the beginning stages of a cold, and because of its pleasant taste, children accepted it easily.

Haden was a pediatrician who came from a family with a long tradition of folk healing. Serafina taught cultural anthropology at the University of New Mexico and was the daughter and the granddaughter of curanderos. Both Haden and Serafina believed in the efficacy of sympathetic magic.

Not that sympathetic magic was the only kind they practiced.

Among Haden’s forebears, there were conjurers as well as healers.

The Wolfs took a pragmatic approach to life: whatever worked.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This book novel earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. Somehow I doubt the medicinal properties of Rocky Mountain Brookmint tea will impact this story. And who cares that the guy is a pediatrition and the woman a teacher? A few paragraphs later the opening tease—a growl and a baby cry---is paid off with a huge coyote stalking a baby that has been placed on a crude platform in the desert. But will anyone plow through all this setup to read it? Not me. This signals more dilly-dallying and verbiage to plow through in the story ahead, and I’m just not interested. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The red color is strong, and the image of the glasses reflect the title—but to what end? The title doesn’t give a clue as to the nature of the story. If you work at it—and nobody works at this kind of thing—and study the background image you’ll discover a badge of some sort. Had it been perceivable, that might have been interesting. While the typography is okay on this cover, for me both the title and the design fail to pull me in. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 268: Fiona Grace—10 chapters of setup before the body means a no-go for me

HAPPY NEW YEAR! May your writing be brilliant in 2020.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of Murder in the Manor, a cozy mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

No-fault.

That’s what the divorce papers stated, in black ink and bold text, stark against the white of the paper.

No-fault.

Lacey sighed as she looked down at the documents. The innocuous-looking manila envelope had just been hand delivered to her door by a pimple-faced teenager with a blasé attitude, as if it were nothing more significant than a takeout pizza. And though Lacey had immediately known the reason she was receiving a couriered letter, she’d felt nothing in the moment. It was only after she’d flopped onto the living room couch—where the cappuccino she’d abandoned at the sound of the door buzzer was on the coffee table still spewing little coils of steam—and slid the documents from the envelope that it actually hit her.

Divorce papers.

Divorce.

Her reaction had been to scream and throw them to the ground, like she was an arachnophobic who’d just been mailed a live tarantula.

And there they now lay, spread across the fashionable and extremely expensive rug she’d been gifted by her boss, Saskia, at the interior design firm where she worked. The words David (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This book novel earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. Well, this is cozy, for sure, but nothing much of mystery tension, it all being setup. I’m sure it bothers the protagonist to be served divorce papers, but that’s hardly threatening, at least if we know no stakes. I skimmed ahead, looking for the murder, and it doesn’t come until chapter 11. I’ve seen leisurely openings before, but this one is a new record. It may be more akin to women’s fiction than a mystery, I think. It depends on attaching you to the character to lead you on. But, since the title promises murder and a mystery, this doesn’t work well for this reader. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

This cover needs typographical help. The slender title font is lost in the background image, and the author’s name, while largish, is equally difficult to read with that drop shadow. For me, a cover fail. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Taking a break and wishing you . . .

Design by: Creative Alys

 

Flog a BookBubber 267: W.J. Costello—stylish, but bland

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of New York Strip. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The mechanic shook his head.

“You’re lucky to be alive.”

“I know,” I said.

He tapped his knuckles on the side of my motor home. “These things can be deadly when the brakes go out.”

“Fortunately I was on a flat road when it happened. Would have been a different story on a mountain road.”

“No doubt.”

The warmth of the garage felt good.

I looked out the window.

A light dusting of snow on the ground. Trees shivering in the Lake Ontario breeze. Gloomy sky.

A parade through town. Despite the snow. The cold. The gloom.

A Thanksgiving Day parade. Turkey float. Pilgrim costumes. Marching band. Waving flags. Cheering spectators.

The town of Rising Falls lies some forty miles north of Syracuse. A small town. A New York town.

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This book novel earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. I enjoyed the punchy, casual style and voice. The character seems likable enough. But this page is ALL setup. Tension-free setup. According to the blurbs on the Amazon page, this is crime fiction, but no hint of that here. I read on, of course, to see if there was anything to engage me, and I think there is . . . but I’m not sure I’ll ever get there. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The cover does the job. This author has a series, and I suspect he’s popular, so that makes the treatment of his name a good one. And a name that size is the approach that bestsellers use, so it automatically adds a hint of status. The lonely road doesn’t tell us much, though, nor does the title. Basically, not an intriguing cover. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 266: Kobrinica Press—there’s no there there

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first chapter of Better to Give than Deceive. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor? Note: this book was $.99, not free.

Stephen Elliott’s personal driver looked forward to his employer’s routine of sending the evening’s entertainment to the car before he arrived. He considered it to be a job perk to watch gorgeous women ditch their dates at pretentious political fundraisers and discreetly escape to Stephen’s town car for a late night rendezvous. And tonight was no exception as the driver watched a young woman wearing a full-length black halter gown abandon the formal event behind her and stroll uninhibited toward the car. With each step, the driver stared with enthusiastic interest as the thigh-high slit on the woman’s dress revealed her long and shapely legs. In what was clearly becoming the highlight of his evening, the attractive woman closed the distance between herself and the driver until he could see in stimulating detail the roundness of her breasts and the sculpted impression her nipples left on the clingy fabric of her dress, and he became aroused.

As the woman approached the sedan, the driver opened the rear passenger door. She thanked him, and as she turned to enter the car, he suppressed the urge to reach out and touch her back, which was bare from the nape of her neck to the smooth, bronze lower arch just below her waist. Once she was inside the car, he closed the passenger door and thought, Thank you, Mr. Elliott. As usual, he did not disappoint.

Most nights Chance put forth minimal effort preparing for a date, but tonight it took her (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes:

This book novel earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. Somehow, being treated to the lustful thoughts of an anonymous character didn’t stir up story questions for me. Nor tension. Nor interest. The writing is not professional, as well. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

This cover works pretty well. The bold color attracts your eye, and the guy holding a gun communicates genre—crime, thriller, or suspense. The author name is virtually unnoticeable, though, and that’s a mistake, especially since this is the first in a series. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.