Flogging the Quill

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 408-Kathryn Croft—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Here is the prologue of The Mother’s Secret A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

We all make mistakes. Do things that can’t be undone, no matter how much we wish we could retrace our steps, pause for a single moment to consider the consequences of our actions.

This, though, was not a mistake. I have never undertaken any action with such alacrity.

And I have no regrets.

You made your own mistakes, didn’t you? Yet up until your very last moment you didn’t doubt your judgement. Perhaps that was your biggest mistake, because maybe if you’d at least shown some remorse then I might not have struck that blow.

I had to do something to stop you.

And I was willing to do anything.

You can read more here. This earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. I think this opening illustrates the weakness of prologues, particularly those without action or a “connectable” character. This reads as if the narrator has done something violent . . . but what? To whom? Why? Without specifics, with no character, with no stakes or jeopardy to a character, these questions don’t amount to story questions. They are more what I call “information questions,” often mistaken for story questions. This wasn’t enough for me. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given away.

Flog a BookBubber 406-Phil M. Williams—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Here is the opening of Redemption A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

Michelle fast-walked down the hallway, nearly breaking the no-running rule. The hallway was decorated with holiday paraphernalia. Excited little voices and holiday music filtered into the hallway from the classrooms. Michelle typically taught a class for gifted and talented students at that time, but her principal had let her leave a few hours early.

Mrs. Levitt walked toward Michelle, coming from the teacher’s bathroom. The old teacher gave Michelle the evil eye and glanced at her watch as their paths crossed, but Michelle didn’t acknowledge her existence. The rumor was that Mrs. Levitt was jealous of Michelle’s beauty, wealth, and connection with the kids.

Michelle never thought of herself as beautiful. Her brown hair was too straight, and her breasts were too small. She did have large blue eyes, a symmetrical heart-shaped face, and an athletic build. It was more than enough to win a hypothetical beauty pageant among the Radnor Elementary School staff.

Mrs. Levitt made Michelle pay for her good fortune by scheduling recess during gifted support time, forcing Michelle to explain to the kids why they couldn’t go to recess. And Mrs. Levitt wasn’t the only one. A gaggle of the old guard secretly wished for Michelle’s demise.

Michelle stepped outside, the cold air nipping her nose. The wind whipped her dress around her legs, as she hurried to her car. She pressed her key fob, her 1999 BMW flashing in response. Her new car did nothing to quell the jealousy. One teacher had been bold enough to say, “Must be nice to have a rich (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. This opening (and I suspect the rest of the book) sure could have used an editor. Not for grammar and writing so much as for storytelling shortcomings. There is no story question, no problem for the character to deal with. There’s a missed opportunity in the first paragraph where the sentence ends with “leave a few hours early.” It could have easily continued with something like: leave a few hours early to deal with (problem).

Then the third paragraph treats us to a clumsy attempt to describe the character with her thoughs. She has a reason to leave early, which suggests a problem, so would any normal person be thinking abou the shape of her face? I think not. I’m not a fan of description such as “her 1999 BMW.” Unless the facts that it’s new and a BMW affect the story, it should just be “car.” I had no urge to read on. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given away.

Flogometer 1170 for Christian —will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Christian sends the first chapter of The Conscript. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

A glowing sun burned above the Mùbēi Desert. From the edge of a cliff, five Japanese soldiers watched its glistening rays land along the desert plain. They descended one at a time, with Sergeant Takahashi at the front and a soldier named Souichi bringing in the rear. Souichi was a conscript, but he did his job without complaining and he'd come to be the soldier Takahashi relied on the most.

When they reached the bottom, Takahashi took the supply pack from a soldier named Daisuke and handed it to Souichi. “Carry this for now.”

“There are eleven flasks of water and five food packs,” Daisuke said. “A little rationing here or there, and that gets us to Dragon's Peak.”

“That and six flasks of alcohol,” a soldier named Hiroshi said. “We're stopping soon, aren't we?”

“We'll stop when I feel it's necessary,” Takahashi said. “Junji, how far are we?”

“Just under twenty kilometers,” Junji said. “We can stop now and still make it tomorrow.”

“We'll stop within the hour,” Takahashi said. “It's just empty desert until we reach the city, so it will be a lot hotter tomorrow.”

“There used to be a forest here before the Chinese chopped it down,” Hiroshi said. (snip)

I think there are several issues with this opening page despite good writing technique and voice. First is the introduction of five characters in a brief span of narrative. That’s just too many for a reader to absorb and hold onto in too short a time. My suggestion: give the dialogue and action to just two characters, the two most important ones.

Even if that is done, we still have an issue of no story question and no tension. It seems like Takahashi could be the main character, but he doesn’t seem to be heading toward any sort of problem, challenge, or conflict. This is all scene-setting exposition and not a terrific way to engage a reader. I would pass.

But let me add that there are TERRIFIC story questions raised at the end of the chapter, but they come 2000 words too late. Find a way to get that on the first page and you have a great start.

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2022 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2022 by Alice.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a BookBubber 405-Karen Ann Hopkins—does this first page work for you?

I've been too long away from doing my job here at FtQ. Travel, medical issues, life stuff have sucked my energy away. But I persevere. Here's today's flogging.

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the prologue opening of Lamb to the Slaughter A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

Hugging myself, I tried to stop shaking. I’d burned my last bridge. Forward was the only way to go.

The dim light was nearly gone when I finally forced my muscles into action and headed in the direction of the road again. The darkness caused my heart to race as I sped up. Usually, I loved when night arrived. It gave me the opportunity to hide from the others—but not tonight. The unexpected encounter had pumped adrenaline through my veins, making me ever more fearful.

I urged my legs faster until my breaths came out in short, quick gasps. I alternated between jogging, walking and stumbling, all the while listening for sounds of another ambush. The countryside was quiet now. The wind that had been beating the cornstalks together only minutes before had died down to a soft breeze.

I reckoned that I wasn’t too far from the road, but I wasn’t sure. The last time I came this way was about four years ago when I was fourteen and turkey hunting with Dat and my brother, Samuel. It was springtime and the corn was only seeds in the ground back then. The stalks were well past the top of my head now, turning the cornfield into an impossible maze.

The plants were the same as everybody else in my life. They were toying with me, purposely making my escape from Blood Rock even more difficult. I was glad to leave them (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. I have mixed feelings about this. On the story question side, it does a good job. The character is clearly in some sort of danger and trying to escape. That should be enough to get a page-turn.

But the writer/editor in me noticed narrative issues that took me out of the story. First was the cliched “burned my last bridge.” Since we have no idea of what she did, it doesn’t have much meaning. She “urges” her legs. Would anybody do that? Or just force them to move. I didn’t understand why the darkness made her heart race since she has been in it for a time. On the other hand, there’s some experiential description of the corn in the last paragraph that’s good. So the question is whether or not the story questions are enough to risk more writing that could use some editing. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given away.

Flog a BookBubber 404-Blake Pierce—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Here is the prologue opening of Never Run A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

"Wait up!" Breathlessly, Courtney Flax pulled back against her boyfriend's grasp. "Not so fast!"

The grass brushed her ankles, chilly and damp from evening dew. Ahead, Eagle Lake gleamed in the moonlight.

Courtney thought the expanse of water looked dark and somehow foreboding. In mid-May, she knew it would still be icy cold.

Gary, her boyfriend, had suggested the swim on the way back from their friend’s house. Now, she was thinking it was a bad idea.

"Come on, Court," Gary said, tugging her forward again. "It'll be fun. Trust me."

"But Gary, it's freezing."

"Court, don't be such a baby," he said. "Life’s an adventure!"

"Gary, seriously. I don't like swimming in the dark. Can't we do this some other time?"

"It's a full moon! You'll be able to see just fine."

"I don't think so," Courtney said, bracing herself with her feet glued to the silvery grass. "I'm cold."

"Oh, c’mon," he said, tugging her hand. "It's not that cold."

Courtney forced down a wave of fear. "Maybe not for you," she said.

You can read more here. This earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. There’s a sense of jeopardy here—a cold lake in the dark of the night—and the protagonist is fearful. Story questions are good—will she be forced into the water? What will happen to her?

But, for me, the writing didn’t make the cut. Examples: the second paragraph has her ankles being chilly and damp (it’s the grass that is). “expanse of water” is a stiff and unlikely description to be in her thoughts. Her feet were glued to silvery grass—really? The promise here is more of the same, and it’s not for me. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given away.

BookBubber on a travel day

Traveling today, but took a quick look at my daily BookBub email. This attracted me because I'm a fan of Westerns, but did it have a turn-the-page quality? See what you think for yourself. I believe you'll guess my response. Click here.

Ray

Outage

No post today as I'm completely distracted and occupied with surgery my wife is having today. All should be well, but it's not over until the end.

Ray

On the road again

Out of town for medical appointments. I know I've been lax about posting lately, lots of business and personal complications, but I aim to be better.

Meanwhile, get a submission ready for the Flogometer!

Ray

Microtension

I'm out of the office today and forgot to bring my Flogometer folder with me.

Meanwhile, in case you didn't see this, here's a post from Writer Unboxed about creating tension, something for which we're always in hot pursuit. The article is here.

See you later.

Flog a BookBubber 404-David Caris—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening page of Shadow Kill. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

The man John Kovac was hunting swerved to avoid a puddle, muttering to himself in his native Japanese. He crashed into a row of pushbikes, then trudged forward again.

The clatter in the otherwise quiet alley was explosive, but no lights came on.

They were alone. Just Kovac and his target.

The man’s name was Yoshinori Yamada. He was five nine, 170 pounds, with a gait that left both feet sticking out a little.

Like a penguin, Kovac thought.

Yamada was in the yakuza, but there were no tattoos. There was no little finger chopped off at the first joint, either. The guy was a suit, a salaryman practically, with a gift for finding young women and putting them to work in alleys just like this one. He wouldn’t be mourned.

The quiet returned, broken now only by Yamada’s drunken mumbling and a faint buzzing overhead.

Kovac glanced up. No one in the topmost windows and no one behind him… The buzzing sound wasn’t a drone. It was coming from a thick nest of electrical wiring clumped to a street pole. Wires fanning up to roofs and down to red, purple and yellow snack bar signs, and all of it reflected in the fluorescent puddles underfoot.

Yamada lurched towards the next alley. He was still handsome, albeit in a baby-faced, (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. A pretty good thriller opening. Good voice, clean writing, and story questions: will the protagonist kill his target, and why is he doing this. I’d give it another pate. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given away.