Flogging the Quill

Flogometer 1181 for Leslie—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Leslie sent the first page of The Giving. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.

The huge bear sprang at her neck, jaws gaping, fury in his eyes. Growling, Sirona rolled to the side, Noden’s sharp fangs grazing her neck. Fortunately, while in her wolf form, the thick fur on her neck prevented the bear’s teeth from piercing her skin. She rose quickly, assessed the danger her son posed. Though Nodens was three times her size, he was still relatively young, and clumsy. Sirona’s senses sharpened, as her wolf instincts took over. Noden’s rage radiated from his body, but it was chaotic, uncontrolled. She could use this to her advantage. She howled, nipped at his thigh. Noden’s rage tinged with fear. Good. Fear makes a poor companion to rational thought. He may be the God of the Hunt, but she was the Supreme Goddess, the one who bore not only him, but all the other gods and godesses, and who guided him in all things wild. She was still his mother, no matter how much he overshadowed her in the mortal plane.

Her violet eyes studied him, ready for the next attack. The air hung thick and heavy with heat and humidity. She saw Nodens through a cloud of red dust stirred by their fight. He rolled his head back and forth, let out a roar of frustration. Standing upright, he pawed the air, fell once more to all fours, and leapt again, his powerful jaws closing in on her. His fetid breath filled the air.

Sirona wrenched herself out of the trance with a gasp. Trembling, she, turned her attention away from the disastrous future she saw in the divination pool and refocused her (snip)

Good writing and voice, and a scene with strong conflict. But is it a scene? Turned out that it wasn’t. Instead, some sort of vision from the divination pool. In a way, this is like opening with a dream, often a no-no. I was so into the fight that I almost missed the transition to another place and time and the character being in a trance.

While the fight does indeed open with good tension, the sudden break away didn’t work for me. You kept the divination pool secret, and I understand why, but I think it’s a cheat for the reader.

For me, it would actually be stronger to set the scene a little and let us know what’s going on. Here’s an example, lifting some from your later narrative:

Granite cliffs surrounded Sirona like a cocoon. Rising hundreds of feet in the air, their lavender and gray rock faces provided a sense of safety and calm, allowing her to focus all her attention on the divining pool, a basin filled with dark waters. The ripples in the water stilled. Her trance deepened and she saw . . .

The bear sprang at her neck, jaws gaping, fury in his eyes. Etc.

For me, the divining pool is very interesting, and it quickly gets to the vision with all the action that creates tension. Ground your reader, help them into your world, and then let the magic happen.

Some editorial notes:

The huge bear sprang at her neck, jaws gaping, fury in his eyes. Growling, Sirona rolled to the side, Noden’s sharp fangs grazing her neck. Fortunately, wWhile in her wolf form, the thick fur on her neck prevented the bear’s teeth from piercing her skin. She rose quickly, assessed the danger her son posed. Though Nodens was three times her size, he was still relatively young, and clumsy. </p>

<p>Sirona’s senses sharpened, as her wolf instincts took over. Noden’s rage radiated from him his body, but it was chaotic, uncontrolled. She could use this to her advantage. She howled, nipped at his thigh. Noden’s rage tinged with fear. Good. Fear makes a poor companion to rational thought. He may be the God of the Hunt, but she was the Supreme Goddess, the one who bore not only him, but all the other gods and godessesgoddesses, and who guided him in all things wild. She was still his mother, no matter how much he overshadowed her in the mortal plane.

Her violet eyes She studied him, ready for the next attack. The air hung thick and heavy with heat and humidity. She saw Nodens through a cloud of red dust stirred by their fight. He rolled his head back and forth, let out a roar of frustration. Standing upright, he pawed the air, fell once more to all fours, and leapt again, his powerful jaws closing in on her. His fetid breath filled the air.

Sirona wrenched herself out of the trance with a gasp. Trembling, she, turned her attention away from the disastrous future she saw in the divination pool and refocused her (snip) You don't need to tell us the bear is huge, the reader will fill in with the image. Fangs are automatically sharp. Instead of "rose quickly," a weak adverbial description, show us, eg. She sprang to her feet . . . Using "her violet eyes" is a break in point of view. She would never think of her eye color in this situation, this is the author stepping to describe something. Use an organic way to bring it in, maybe via the reflection in the pool. Big blocks of text are off-putting, look for paragraph breaks to give the words some air.

Your thoughts?

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2023 by Leslie.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1180 for Christian—will you be moved to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

The Mubei Desert was one of the deadliest in China. From the edge of a cliff, five Japanese soldiers watched the sun’s blinding rays reflect off the endless desert plain. They descended in single file, with Sergeant Takahashi at the front and a pale-faced conscript named Souichi bringing up the rear. The sergeant was a beefy man with broad shoulders and burns covering his face. And though the desert had claimed many lives, it was he whom the other men feared.

When they reached the bottom, Takahashi took the supply pack from a tall man named Daisuke and handed it to Souichi. “Get a good look at each of those weapons. The men of Dragon’s Peak have earned a lesson on Japanese discipline.”

Souichi looked ahead, brushing the sand from his uniform. “Or they’ll kill us when we get there and bury us with the others. That seems likely.”

“The moment anyone in that town tries something, I’ll make sure they regret it,” Takahashi said, his eyes cold. “Assuming all of you survive long enough to make it there. Daisuke, how much is left to ration?”

“A dozen flasks of water,” Daisuke said. “More sake than anyone needs. About five food packs.”

Souichi frowned, silently calculating. “That’s not enough.”

Good, crisp writing, good voice. I know the first page challenge is tough, but it can be done. However, it hasn’t been met here. The last line on the page hints at a future problem, but it’s not something directly affecting the characters.

This page is primarily setup. On this single page, we’re hit with three character names, and more quickly follow on the next page. Give more action to a single character, no need for the complexity.

Approximately the first 2400 of the 2600 words in this chapter go to setup. I advocate the advice of editor and coach Stephen James: you don’t have a story until something goes/is wrong. I think that’s a good guideline, and nothing goes wrong in the first 2400 words.

And then one character kills all of the others we’ve spent 2400 words getting to know. It’s a dramatic and compelling action. If it had been on the first page, I would definitely have turned the page.

Christian, I know that other readers like this chapter, but for me it’s way too long before the inciting incident. My advice? Save this version and accept the challenge to take those last powerful paragraphs from the end, move them to the front, and find a way to do a quick setup to start the scene and then pull the trigger while still on the first page.

Your thoughts?

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2023 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2023 by Moira.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Find Your Novel's Best Title

I want to give a shout out to a book by an editor colleague. Elizabeth Lyon is a longtime editor and teacher at workshops. You may find her book valuable. Here's the blurb from the Amazon page:

If you are writing a novel, you probably have a "working title," and you think it's pretty good. Friends and colleagues may agree. In over thirty years as a book editor and writing teacher, I can promise you that nine times out of ten, working titles are rarely the BEST.

Best titles can gain immediate attention from literary agents, publishers, and readers. Best titles sell books. If you discover an extraordinary title, your novel may become unforgettable.

More on Find Your Novel's Best Title here.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 420: R.M. Ward—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers and free BookBub books, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free BookBub books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the prologue of The Girl Who Vanished. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

She looks down as she walks, concentrating hard, following the messy trail of treasure, a ribbon of stones and seaweed running along the sandy shore parallel to the water’s edge. She crouches down, not caring if the water laps in and catches the bottom of her shorts, and sifts through a promising spot, hoping for a crab leg, a stone with a secret stripe of quartz or, the greatest prize of all, a cowrie shell.

The sun is warm on her arms and the back of her legs. Her hat with daisies on it is protecting her neck and there’s a tiny breeze blowing in from the water.

A shadow falls across her and she shivers.

She looks up and sees a tall, dark figure against the bleached-out sky, bare feet on the sand, head almost touching the sun.

‘Your mum’s looking for you. She’s really worried.’

She looks past the woman’s legs at the crowded beach. It’s a kaleidoscope of windbreaks and fold-up chairs, clutches of people and towels all over the sand like crazy paving. She has no idea where Mum and Danni are.

‘Come on, let’s get you back to her.’

She holds out her hand. It’s a beautiful hand – long fingers and painted nails.

The girl picks up her bucket and spade and slips her grubby, gritty hand into the hand of the stranger.

You can read more here. This earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. I generally don’t care for prologues, but this one—thanks to we readers’ knowledge of the terrible things that happen to children in our world—in this one I can easily anticipate bad things ahead for an innocent little girl. The author slips in little clues to heighten the mood, the chill when the shadow crosses her, the hand going into that of a stranger. I wanted to know what happened next. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given away.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 419: Georgina Lees—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers and free BookBub books, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free BookBub books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the first page of The Lost Wife. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

The roads are darker than I thought they’d be. I’m used to the city, to the lit A-roads and motorways, the lights from late-night takeaways and cocktail bars. I’ve never had to drive that much before now.

I’m gripping the steering wheel down a small country lane, my knuckles white, a soft sheen washing over them. I risk glancing down and see small flecks of crimson on the backs of my hands, flashing in and out as lone cars pass me. I want to cry, for my tears to fall and wash the blood away, but I haven’t cried in years, why start now? My forearm throbs and feels damp and hot. The fuel light comes on, a low red light suddenly threatening me from behind the steering wheel. Only fifty miles left in the tank.

There’s a murmuring in the back of the car, an almost inaudible snore, but I can feel the warmth of his small body. I catch the small tuft of dark brown hair in the rear-view mirror as we drive through the night.

I can’t see the moon and I feel disappointed, like it has somehow failed in guiding me to safety. There is nowhere safe for us to go, not now. Checking the dashboard, it’s nearly midnight. That wouldn’t be late in Bristol, but here the remote houses are tucked away behind small verges, fast asleep.

My street would be teeming with students, heading to and from parties and sticky (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.0 stars on Amazon. The writing and voice are good, so no issues there. There are hints of recent mayhem—flecks of crimson, which have to be blood, and an injured arm. The woman (I assume) has a child in the backseat. So she’s on the run from violence. There were enough story questions for me to turn the page. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given away.

Flog a BookBubber 419: Victoria Jenkins—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers and free BookBub books, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free BookBub books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the prologue of The Midwife, billed as a psychological thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

The woman and the girl sat together on the sofa in the living room, the lighting muted to just the lamp on the side table, the late night shut out by the closed curtains. The girl was curled into her, her head resting against the woman’s stomach. She didn’t seem capable of crying. Something had been switched off, a fuse short-circuited that had dried up her tears. Instead, she sat motionless, her body coiled like a cat’s, quietly absorbing the caresses of the woman’s fingers against her fine hair. The woman didn’t say much; she didn’t know what to say. The girl would speak when she was ready.

The question seemed to come from nowhere, when the truth was that it had probably been carried within her for weeks.

‘What’s a guardian angel?’

The words pierced the woman’s heart. She stroked the young girl’s dark hair, her eyes moving to the ceiling as she sought the right answer. ‘It’s an angel who looks after someone, who protects them. You can’t see them, but you can feel them there sometimes, when you need them most.’

The room was bathed in silence for a moment as the answer was absorbed.

‘Like you, then. Are you my guardian angel?’

The woman smiled sadly. If only that could be true, she thought. ‘But you can see me, my (snip)

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BBR1XKQC?_bbid=144361133&tag=noteworthy_cohort_b_email-20

You can read more here. This earned 4.0 stars on Amazon. I have mixed reactions to this opening. Oh, the writing and voice are fine and promise a writer to be trusted to do a good job. On the storytelling front, I didn’t feel any compelling story questions coming from this. On the other hand, the mood is strong and evocative. The child is troubled in some way, and perhaps that’s enough of a story question. Will she feel better? Will the woman help her? Can she? I do wish names were used. I waffling my way to a page turn, but need something to happen soon. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given away.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 418: H.K. Christie—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers and free BookBub books, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free BookBub books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening of How She Fell. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

If someone had told me that, at eighteen, I would be engaged and a mother-to-be, I would have told them they were bonkers. Like lock ’em up nuts. But the universe had special plans for me. It had been scary when I learned I was pregnant, but knowing I would have him by my side eased the worry away.

Rummaging through Este and my closet, I searched for the right dress to wear for the proposal. The crimson fit and flare would be perfect. Plus, it would disguise my growing baby bump. I pulled it out, stepped in front of the mirror, and held the dress up to my body. The deep red against my tan skin would drive him wild. Pair the look with a dark lipstick, and it would be perfect for the most important night of my life.

A twinge in my belly made me grimace.

“Are you okay?”

“Must have been something I ate. I’m fine.” Or the baby was unhappy about something. Baby needed to calm down. Its daddy was about to propose, and our life together would be wonderful.

Another cramp.

Este scrunched up her face. “Are you sure? Maybe you should cancel.”

She worried too much and had for as long as I could remember. I often teased her that (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.7 stars on Amazon. The writing and voice are good, but what about the storytelling? The only tension in this narrative was generated by my knowledge, as a reader, that when all seems fine things are about to go wrong.

That’s not enough. It’s what is happening in the story that should create reader tension. There’s really not much of that here. Oh, a cramp or two, but that’s hardly menacing. Gets a pass from me. One more thing, though—in the opening pages the narrator gets her sister to take a picture of her with a camera. Later, at the location of what’s to happen, the sister has forgotten her camera and leaves to get it (I think, not clear). This novel has a 2022 copyright date, but totally ignores that a modern teenager would be taking pictures with her phone, not a camera. And would not forget to take it to the expected proposal. Not real. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given away.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 417-Jenny Elder Moke—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers and free BookBub books, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Here is the opening of Hood. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

Isabelle took great pride in herself that she did not cry once during the whole wretched, messy ordeal. Not when the soldiers barked their orders at her to stand down; not when they grabbed her up like a common criminal and threw shackles on her wrists; not when they shoved her in this moldy makeshift prison cell that once served as a potato cellar; not even when the strips of light leaching in from outside grew longer, and thinner, and then disappeared altogether. She held her head high, gritted her teeth, and glared malevolence at the warped wooden boards of the door and the rough voices of the men beyond.

And when even they faded away, and she began to fear they’d forgotten about her or planned to leave her behind, and fear twisted itself into panic, she would not give in. She thought of her mother in full prioress regality, stern and powerful and threaded through with iron, and wished for her strength. But as the night wore on, the cold stealing its thin fingers up her ankles and calves, she just wished for her mother.

She’d almost forgotten the door was there by the time the heavy bolt screeched open, a stab of torchlight blinding her after hours of complete dark. She curled into herself instinctively, the shackles dragging and clanking against each other as she raised her hands to block the light. She steeled herself for another round of brutal questioning from the soldiers, summoning what little well of strength she had left. But after hours of fear, hunger, and churning panic, it only (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. I couldn’t resist checking this out after I read the blurb that let me know this was the adventure of the daughter of Maid Marion and Robin Hood.

This narrative, well written with a strong voice, plunges us into the dire straits of a girl who is doing her best to be strong and bear up under some pretty scary treatment. When the door is opened, all kinds of story questions rush in—will the girl be saved? Who opened the door? Will she be all right? I won’t spoil it here, but I turned the page . . . and bought the book. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given away.

Flog a BookBubber 416-JJA Harwood—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging BookBub books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening of The Thorns Remain. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

The sun was shining on the day that the village of Brudonnock disappeared. The sky was a blazing blue, bright as topaz, and no one walked beneath it. The wind trailed its fingers through the forest, rustling through birch leaves and pine needles. The smithy ticked quietly as it cooled; spiders crawled across the kirk door.

Even the forest was quiet. No deer calves stumbled through the bracken, no wood pigeons cooed among the trees. The vast shape of Ben Macdui wavered like an uneasy shadow in the distance. It, too, was silent. Waiting.

It was not waiting for long.

Slowly, a figure came into view, limping along the dusty Aberdeen road. It picked its way across the path, shoes in hand. Long, curly, mushroom-brown hair shifted in the breeze, and a long skirt swept up clouds of dust in its wake. The girl came closer – hungry, sunburned, swaying – and shaded her eyes, staring at the village.

Even from the path, she knew that something was wrong.

She put her shoes on and half-ran, half-stumbled back into the village. She skidded to a halt, dust billowing around her ankles, sweat trickling down her spine. Her eyes darted around, taking in the closed windows, the locked doors, the unused chimneys, and dread started to trickle into her mind.

You can read more here. This earned 4.1 stars on Amazon. Well, that first paragraph is a grabber. And our interest is heightened as details trickle through and then introduce a character who is troubled, weary, and perhaps a bit injured. Strong story questions: where did the village go? How did it go? What will happen to the girl. I wanted more. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given away.

Flog a BookBubber 415-William W. Johnstone—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening of Deadly Road to Yuma, a Western. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

“I’m thirsty,” Matt Bodine said.

“When are you not?” Sam Two Wolves said.

“No, really, Sam, my whistle could sure use wettin’.”

“I repeat—”

“We’re stoppin’ up there in that town,” Matt said, interrupting his blood brother.

“Of course we are,” Sam said. He waited a moment, then added, “Do you think we could try to stay out of trouble this time?”

“We always try to stay out of trouble. At least I do.”

Sam just rolled his eyes, shook his head, and hitched his horse forward, starting down the long, gentle slope toward the flat where the settlement was located.

They had crossed the border between New Mexico Territory and Arizona Territory not long before, following the San Francisco River as it twisted through this bleak, rugged country. The Gila Mountains loomed to their right, the Peloncillos to the left. The settlement they were approaching was the first one Matt and Sam had come to in several days.

It had been a long, relatively uneventful ride from Sweet Apple, Texas. The blood brothers were in no hurry to get anywhere, because they didn’t have anywhere to be. They were just drifting, seeing what was on the other side of every hill they came to…the same way they (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 44 stars on Amazon. I devoured Westerns as a kid and am always happy to see a new one, so I couldn’t resist checking this one out. So, what kind of rip-roaring action was there to capture me?

A little talk about being thirsty and avoiding trouble and then . . . exposition, exposition, exposition. I say save your money and ride on. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given away.