Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Our Bloody Pearl. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
HUNGER HAUNTS ME like a bull shark. With every roll of the ship, the gunk inside my stagnant tub sloshes against my waist, stinging anew. The tight wooden room's stale air burns my lungs.
Steam whistles in the pipes that run along the walls, their copper gleaming in the dim ceiling light. My wrists throb where the metal cuffs locking me to the tub dig into my silver scales. The gill slits along my neck are clamped shut after a year without seawater and my head fins stick to my scalp like barnacles to rock.
I try to anchor myself with the memory of home, of fine sands and vibrant reefs, but I can barely recall the rush of the warm current or the thrill of the hunt. Even a single wrasse sounds like a feast now. Or a few human fingers.
At least I can still smell the sharp brine of the ocean. When the ship rocks, the small, circular window to my left reveals the sea rolling in an endless stretch of deep blue, begging me to return. The silhouette of an approaching vessel forms a blur on its horizon.
I squint at the hazy shape, but Captain Kian’s roar of irritation from an upper deck makes me recoil. My captor’s harsh voice is so loud it seems to shudder its way down my spine.
The new vessel leaves my sight as the ship I’m captive on—the Oyster—turns toward it. The steam stacks clatter to life somewhere beneath me. Fabric and metal wings stretch out from (snip)
This received 4.6 stars on Amazon. Strong writing and voice here that introduce a unique character and what appears to be a steam punk world for this fantasy. The character is sympathetic (I wish there were a name and a gender), held captive in most unpleasant ways. The character is alien, but we can connect with him/her because of the obviously terrible trouble she/he is in. The appearance of the ship on the horizon and the captor’s reaction raise a new “what’s going to happen” story question beyond that of what will happen to this character. If you’re into fantasy, this is a promising opening page. I will read further. Your thoughts?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Wisteria Witches. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
The real estate agent didn't say anything about the house coming with a ghost. Some people would probably pay extra to get a genuine ghost, but I am not one of those people.
My name is Zara Riddle, and I am a witch. A novice witch, anyway.
I spent the first thirty-two years of my life not knowing why I always felt like such an oddball. It turns out witchcraft runs in the Riddle family. I had no idea—not until I moved across the country to a quaint little town I'd never heard of before: Wisteria.
What's that? You've never heard of Wisteria, either? There's a very good reason for that, too. You'll see.
It was a sunny spring day when my daughter and I arrived at our new home. I stood on the sidewalk in front of the property, looking around my new neighborhood and grinning like a ding-dong. Was I dreaming?
Rising up before me was pure perfection. The house—my house—was a three-story Victorian Gothic, painted a heart-racing shade of red all the way up to the triple lancet windows in the attic. The porch was both breezy and welcoming, with wisteria vines twisting along the eaves. The wisteria was in full bloom, dripping with fragrant pink blossoms.
Sure, the yard was a jungle, and the interior was in need of a few updates, but that was fine. After renting for years, I was eager to finally pour my love and energy into a home I'd never (snip)
This received 4.4 stars on Amazon. The voice is smart and promises fun, and the writing is professional. Rather forthrightly, we are quickly introduced to a likeable character—I felt her pride and joy in having her own home. The narrative teases us with the possibility of a ghost and reasons for the town being unknown . . . but that’s about it for story questions. Other than those, there isn’t a strong one raised. The character doesn’t really have to do anything, and her only desire is to move into her house. So, on a technical basis, there’s not a compelliong reason to turn the page. On the other hand, because I enjoy paranormal stories and was entertained by the voice, I will read on to see what happens. Your thoughts?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Sea of Dreams. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
A sea of dreams washed over the entire world, and when it was gone, everything was different. It happened during the night. On one side of the world it was daylight and might have been much more dramatic. In the Cascade Mountains of Oregon, it was sometime between midnight and three a.m. Exactly when it occurred, I’ve never been able to find out because I’ve never encountered a survivor who was awake during the exact time. I, like many others, had been asleep.
I was lying in a sleeping bag just off the Pacific Crest Trail next to my father. The day before we’d ascended several thousand feet. It had been our plan to meet up with a larger group of hikers who were going to climb the northernmost mountain of the Three Sisters. When Dad and I had hunkered down ten feet away from the main trail, we’d made a cold camp and eaten freeze-dried foods reconstituted with water. Then just as the sun had fled below the horizon, we’d bundled up into sleeping bags and dropped off into a sleep that was dreamless and overwhelming.
I awoke with the sun chasing shadows across the trees above me. I didn’t move at first. My body was stiff from miles of hiking. We’d parked the car in a hiker’s parking lot near Santiam Pass and come up the trail at a brisk pace. My father was in better shape than I was and kept hurrying me along. He hadn’t wanted to miss the ascent to Charity, the northern sister of the (snip)
This received 4.6 stars on Amazon. It is a YA dystopian novel, but you wouldn’t know that from the first page. Just about everyone except teenagers (I assume, didn’t read that far) disappears. She’s hiking with her dad, and when she wakes up he’s gone . . . leaving behind all of the clothes he was wearing still inside his sleeping bag. Electrical things don’t work, cars are dead, etc.
But none of that is on the first page. Nothing goes wrong for the character, she doesn’t have to deal with anything. In short, no story question. And no page turn. Your thoughts?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of The Green Knight. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
Surrounding the portal, all was black and empty of life. No sound. No movement. Void of everything. Stars, billions of them, twinkled in the distance. But these far-off dots didn’t seem like real things near a portal. Portals were pure energy, and everything else—for hundreds of parsecs—was only a glimmering emptiness.
Any traveler approaching a portal from a distance saw its light twinkling like a miniature sun, growing in size until it dwarfed the very vessel approaching it. No matter how large the ship, it looked puny compared to the immense disc of energy. Even flagships, thousands of times larger than a star fighter, seemed small by comparison.
The portals were so large that some scientists wanted them classified as man-made celestial bodies. Entire asteroids could pass through—if detection and prevention systems didn’t keep such random objects away. In fact, even the smallest moon of Mego Turkomann could almost fit through.
Close to the portal, different people claimed to see different things in the glowing white light. Some said they saw lines of energy. Others saw swirling waves. Some observed cloud formations. Still others saw outlines of space vessels that had already passed through the portal, transporting spices or rare metals from one solar system to another. Some people even swore they could see the future when they looked into the portal’s energy. Others insisted they (snip)
This received 4.1 stars on Amazon. For me, the world-building smothered this opening. I know it’s common in science fiction, but this has no hint of story whatsoever. More than that, the nature of this portal doesn’t impact what happens at all. Two ships come through the portal safely, one blows up the other one and then leaves. That’s it. All this stuff about the portal just doesn’t matter. Start with story, build the world as it develops and as needed to make it make sense. Your thoughts?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Silent Crime. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
LEINE BASSO GAVE her clothes the once-over, making sure she was presentable before leaning down to wipe the six-inch blade on the dead man’s trousers.
Good. No arterial spatter. If only there was a mirror around when a girl needed one. She made do with the hem of her shirt and wiped her face and neck. The only stain visible belonged to sweat from the intense afternoon heat, which radiated through a pair of partially open, paint-deprived shutters.
The recently deceased thirty-something piece of shit lay on the ground in a pool of his own blood, sightless eyes staring at the fifteen foot-tall plaster ceiling above them. Leine experienced no regret at the loss of his life—not when the person she’d just killed had been responsible for dozens of women and children being sold into the horrors of sex trafficking.
One down, so many more to go.
The trafficker’s death was merely a drop in a very large pool of the never-ending sex trafficking trade—clubs and organizations run by criminals that managed to materialize wherever the need arose. And the need arose pretty much everywhere. This time, she’d been sent back to Tripoli to weed out the scumbags trafficking marriageable young women to the terrorist group Izz Al-Din as bonuses for their freedom fighters. As an elite former government assassin, Leine Basso’s specialized skill set was in heavy demand, and she was glad to provide it for the (snip)
This received 4.9 stars on Amazon. Mostly strong writing and a tough-woman voice introduce one of those kick-ass women that are fun to read about. We know she’s deadly and cold-blooded, and that she sees herself as one of the good guys. There’s no jeopardy here, so no story question, but the nature of what she’s doing and thinking suggests that a story is just about to open. This one I’d give one more page—but just one—to get the story going. Your thoughts?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Silent Crime. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
During a sleepless night, Jake stared at the popcorn ceiling above him and thought about all of the shit happening in the world. As if to solidify every opinion he had, his phone rang, reminding him that he was right in the middle of it. He rose up and leaned across the woman beside him, their skin peeling apart like it had been glued together with sweat as he grabbed his cell phone from the bedside table. But he didn’t answer it right away. He laid back against his pillow, putting a little space between them so he could cool off.
Jake saw no need to hurry for bad news. It couldn’t be anything else. No one called in the middle of the night with good news. No, good news waited until morning.
He had already spent the past the four hours in bed. Two of those were spent fucking the blonde beside him, while the other had been spent trying to clear his head from the pallid stares of death. Those still, lifeless eyes haunted him.
It wasn’t as if he could really do anything to stop the evils in the world. Nothing was going to change because of him. Jake had once thought he was really going to make a difference as a cop, but with each dead-eyed stare, it became clear that it was an impossible task.
“Are you going to answer that?” asked the sleepy voice beside him. “At least make it stop ringing.”
He could silence it, but he didn’t. He took a deep breath and looked at her. She was no (snip)
This received 4.3 stars on Amazon. High-caliber writing here, and a clear voice for a depressing character. If there were an “Almost” choice in the poll, that’s what I’d give this. What’s my problem? The only thing that happens is that a cop gets a phone call. Sure, I know this is a crime novel and that he will be involved . . . but involved in what? More than that, this opens with one of my non-favorite narrative approaches—musing. We spend our time with his dreary thoughts rather than getting into a crime. Yes, in a way this will likely be about the character’s malaise and how he deals with it, but how about having that happen along with a good mystery? I suspect the voice may be enough for some readers, but it wasn’t enough for me this morning. Your thoughts?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of The Fuller's Apprentice. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
Master Sef stretched the wet woolen cloth to its full extent. He walked his fist, thumb and little finger spread wide, across the fabric from one selvage to the other, measuring its width.
“It’s coming along well. Give it another five hundred strokes, lad, then come fetch me.” He scowled at Josiah. “And mind you don’t go off into one of your dreaming fits. There’s a representative of the Wizards’ Guild coming to check on their order, and we need to show him our best work—not cloth beat full of holes because a lazy apprentice couldn’t keep his mind on his task.”
“Yes, Master Sef.” Josiah gathered the loose end of the bolt of cloth and returned it to its place, bunched in even folds against the back of the long, low box. When he moved clear, Master Sef scowled at him for a moment, then pulled the lever that set the fulling mill in motion.
With a creaking groan the gears engaged, and the six stocks began to move. The heavy wooden heads crept back and swept down. They slammed into the folds of wet wool, sending spray flying. The mill beat the newly woven cloth rhythmically, binding the loose threads together, shrinking and thickening the web into a dense, warm fabric. With a pointed look at Josiah, Master Sef left the room. Josiah grabbed a bucket and went to the open arch to dip it in the millrace, just below where the great water wheel turned the massive drive shaft. He returned to the box and walked its length, pouring water onto the wool to replace what the pounding (snip)
This received 4.3 stars on Amazon. The writing and voice are fine, but what is this story about? If it’s about how wool cloth was made in medieval times, then I’m not interested. There’s a hint of conflict with the warning to not “go off into one of your dreaming fits,” but that hardly seems ominous. And that’s only a warning—there is no actual “something wrong” on this page. Which means I won’t be reading the second page. This is epic fantasy, and those books often take their time establishing the world. But there’s simply no reason that it can’t be established while something resembling a story takes place. Your thoughts?
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Murder Under a Mystic Moon. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
THE PHONE JARRED me out of my pre-caffeine stupor as I was eating breakfast. I’d woken to find the kids already up and halfway through their chores, hustling to make it down to the Chiqetaw Recreation Center before the swimming pool got too crowded. I grabbed the receiver on the third ring, trying to maneuver my tongue around a mouthful of jelly doughnut.
“’Lo?”
“O’Brien?” Jimbo Warren’s voice came booming over the line. A biker and self-proclaimed mountain man, Jimbo and I had started out as adversaries and ended up as friends. Not only had he helped me save my son from kidnappers, but he’d insisted on paying me back every penny that he’d cost me and my insurance company for throwing a brick through my living-room window. Now that we’d put the past to rest, we actually got along pretty good.
“I need your help,” he said. “My buddy Scar’s gone missing. I want you to find out if he’s dead.”
Dead? Did he say dead? I glanced at the clock. Yep, it was eight in the morning, all right. Jimbo didn’t sound like he was joking. Didn’t sound drunk, either, so that eliminated any practical jokes he might come up with after a long night at Reubens. I squinted at the phone. Maybe I’d missed something along the way. I’d barely started on my espresso; the caffeine hadn’t had time to hit my system yet and there was a good chance I was still running at half-speed.
This received 4.7 stars on Amazon. The BookBub blurb said this was by a New York Times bestselling author, and the voice and quality of the writing reflect that. We’re immediately introduced to not one but two sympathetic characters—Jimbo and O’Brien. The snippet of backstory is quick and contributes to both characterizations. Then the author pops a good, old-fashioned murder mystery story question or two. Was his friend murdered? Can she find out? What will happen next? This one is on my Kindle for a read. Your thoughts?
This November I’ll be teaching a workshop at a unique writer’s conference that I love—it’s put on by Writer Unboxed, a blog that has grown into a community of writers. I urge you to consider it. Escape to WUnderland in Salem, Massachusetts.
I taught a workshop at the first WU “UnCon” in 2014 and have never experienced a conference like it, before or since. It’s more like a gathering of an extended family than a random gathering of writers, a welcoming community with arms wide open and ready to embrace you. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a “regular” or new to the bunch, you’re in.
The focus is on craft, which is my favorite subject. In their words:
Part symposium. Part networking affair. Part workshop. Part retreat.
Unlike other conferences, our hybrid event will not focus on the business of writing; there will be no sessions on finding agents or writing query letters or building platforms. Instead, our focus will be on the things WU’ers crave most:
Drilled-down, interactive conversations and 90-minute workshops on relevant topics led by *13* trusted WU contributors, craft gurus and bestselling authors, including Brunonia Barry, Anne Greenwood Brown, David Corbett, Kathryn Craft, Keith Cronin, Barbara O’Neal, Margaret Dilloway, Donald Maass, Greer Macallister, Ray Rhamey, Therese Walsh, Heather Webb, and Cathy Yardley
A 4-hour capstone workshop with Donald Maass
Mind-stretching sessions to help you understand yourself better as a writer
Time to interact with peers and group leaders in and outside of sessions, because everyone knows that the best part of a conference happens when the conversation begins
A dedicated, quiet space for writing
But wait, there’s more . . . there will be a conference-wide writing contest, details to be announced; an evening “book therapy” session (bring your troubled plot points, characters, etc.); “bed-time stories” (share your five-minute excerpt in a casual evening setting); and more.
Having been-there done-that, I can testify that this conference is invigorating in all the write ways, and a lot of fun, too.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
It begins to engage the reader with the character
Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
The character desires something.
The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
It happens in the NOW of the story.
Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Kristin sends the first chapter for The Devil Particle, a YA dystopian novel. The rest of the narrative is after the break.
The burnt-out lightbulb makes a satisfying “pop” as I crush it under my sneaker. I’d pick up the broken pieces but it’s noon, the street is empty, and no one’s watching. I hear humming. No time to run, I crouch in the middle of the street and cover my head.
The humming gets louder, buzzes over me, and moves on. It’s a mail-carrying drone and it’s headed for my house.
I sprint the last half block, my pack, filled with seed packets, orphanage paperwork, and a toolkit, bouncing against my sweaty back. I reach our yard and slow down, but the drone is gone. After checking the underside of our mailbox for pipe bombs and trigger wires, I open the box’s rusting door, making the hinges creak.
A thick spider scurries out of the mailbox, runs across my hand, and shimmies down the post where it sits and stares at me. I give it the finger then examine the box for other spiders and see what the drone dropped in the slot — a government envelope with a red-white-and-blue border.
I run my fingers run over the bumps of the official gold-embossed stamp that labels it High Priority. I’m in. I punch the stagnant air with my fist.
Then I notice Mrs. Jensen watching me from behind the bars of her townhouse’s cracked picture window. A drone delivery is rare; I’d be curious, too. I kiss the gold stamp and can’t help . . . (snip)
The writing is professional and the voice promises fun. We open with an immediate scene—something is happening, for sure. The introduction to this world is subtle and effective—for example, mail delivery by drone, checking for bombs under the mailbox, and a spider crawling out of it. Not like any mail situation in my world.
But I have issues with this as an opening page. The lightbulb, for one thing. I wondered if it played a part in the story, so I read ahead. It doesn’t. So why, I have to ask, were two lines of narrative on the vital first page spent on a detail that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t help define the world all that much since a broken light bult could easily happen in the ordinary world.
If you take out the lightbulb part, then the opening could drop you right in on the action. For example:
I’m a half block from home when I hear humming coming up fast behind me. No time to run, I crouch in the middle of the street and cover my head.
A mail-carrying drone buzzes over me, and it’s headed for my house.
Then things go right instead of wrong or challenging. While that’s okay if it leads to a problem, it’s not exactly a tension-producer on a first page. In other words, we’re not given much reason to wonder what happens next.
Unless, that is, you count one of my pet peeves, an information question posed by this sentence: “I’m in..” In what? If the reader doesn’t know, then this has no meaning. Whatever he/she is in is a reason for celebration but, with no context, the celebration doesn’t mean much either.
One other issue: how does the character know the content/verdict contained in a letter that he/she hasn’t opened? Later, a girl also gets a letter from the same source, but she is not “in.” I don’t know that she received a different kind of envelope, and that doesn’t seem terribly logical.
To me, there's a missed opportunity to create at least a little tension. For example, right after the description that the envelope is marked High Priority, internal monologue could include something such as:
My verdict is here. Am I in and my life takes off, or am I rejected and my life stalls out at seventeen?
Unlike a story question that makes you want to know what happens next, an information question withholds necessary information from the reader. I figure it’s meant as a tease, but I don’t think that works very well. Other than that, everything here is fine, the character is happy, he/she doesn’t have anything to deal with, no problems, no consequences for failure. No story.
There was one other thing: the gender of the character. Because the author is a woman, and because the majority of YA dystopian fiction stars girls, I had assumed that the character was female. Nope, male. When I found out later, I had to revise all that I had imagined and visualized up to that point. This could have been dealt with by losing the first two lines on the page to make room for something to the effect that the envelope is addressed to his name, Paul James Salvage.
The voice and the unique tidbits of the world might be enough to draw a reader on, but my suspicion is that if this was sent cold to a literary agent that they would be wondering where the story is and might well pass. I suggest you read the rest of the chapter for a sample of strong writing and a fresh new world. But, from my point of view, it’s mostly well-done setup. There is a twist regarding “I’m in,” but it doesn’t, in this chapter, cause a problem for the character. Everything stays just fine in his mind. The real story doesn’t start in the first chapter, IMO. However, the quality of what is here tells me that I would love to see that first page. For what it’s worth.