I'm out of the office today and forgot to bring my Flogometer folder with me.
Meanwhile, in case you didn't see this, here's a post from Writer Unboxed about creating tension, something for which we're always in hot pursuit. The article is here.
See you later.
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
Here is the prologue of What She Forgot--it’s one line longer than the usual first page, but it was so short if seemed appropriate to show you the whole thing. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.
I didn’t mean to kill her. Not like that. She just wouldn’t stop screaming, no matter how much I begged her to. She wouldn’t stop.
Killing her was messy. But it’s done now, and I can’t take it back.
This new one, she doesn’t scream. She’s eager, maybe a little too eager. She promises she’s never going to tell anyone what we do, what she saw me doing. She says I excite her.
She says a lot of things. I’m not sure I believe any of them.
I tell her that she’s special, that she’s my only love. It keeps her under control. I need to control her, even though we’re out here so far away from anyone and anything. She has to keep my secrets. I don’t want to kill another one. All she has to do is stay, and be mine when I want her, and things will work out.
But I’m starting to think she’s crazy. Maybe crazier than me.
Now I don’t know what to do anymore. She’s still mine — so young, so beautiful, so eager to please. She swears she’ll never leave, that she’ll always be here waiting for me. And I want to believe her. I really do.
I just can’t be sure. After all, can I really trust a crazy person? It doesn’t seem like a good plan, with everything she knows about me. I may have to kill her too.
I’m thinking maybe that’ll be okay. Maybe killing won’t be so hard this time.
And I can always get another one to replace her.
You can read more here. This earned 4.6 stars on Amazon. What a creepy character. I don’t want to spend much time in his head. But how about them story questions? Who is the crazy woman? Will she be killed? Will this guy be stopped before he kills again? Lots of good ones. I’m going to check this out a little more. Your thoughts?
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given away.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist (PDF here)
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Alice had sent the first chapter of Get Up Eight, but then she emailed me because a nighttime inspiration led her to a rewrite. She told me to select the best one. I’d rather you did the work, so what follows are the two opening pages and then a poll.
The rest of the chapter from version 1 is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.
Version 1
Strange time to remember this, on the slippery edge of a deadly cliff, but suddenly I’m back on my first day at the Crystal Creek School of Benevolent Leadership.
All sixteen of us are hefting our backpacks into the Boys Dorm to choose a bunk partner and settle in. I enter last, trying not to draw attention, but it makes no difference. The chatter dies and the faces turn my way.
It’s pretty clear everyone knows who I am or, more to the point, who my dad is. But right now the air is more uncertain than negative. I sense they’re waiting for me to say 'Yeah, my dad's an asshole' so they can all smile and welcome me into their circle.
But I don't. Because he's not.
The silence turns ominous. Benevolence is a distant concept.
Back at my high school, I was a relatively proficient class clown but humor can’t help me here. It couldn’t even help me there at the end.
Then a thin but muscular guy unloading his pack to my right turns around, reads the room in a second and smiles: “Rhino Rodgers, dude, if you’re not too famous to hang out with a nobody, we could share a bunk.” And that’s as good an explanation as any for why, nine months later, I’m about to risk my life to save Tracker.
Because right now Tracker is wobbling. We’re lined up along a ledge with six (snip)
Version 2
Blame it on our fathers.
Sesh and I were doomed to tension and heartbreak before we ever met. Her father, the amazing, beloved political comedian Andy Sessions, was brutally murdered last year. My father, defense attorney Daniel Rodgers, set the murderer free.
Or blame it on a cosmic sadist that we ended up here together at the Crystal Creek School of Benevolent Leadership. Specifically, out here right now next to each other on this slippery ledge in one-legged tree pose, soaked with spray from Upper Crystal Falls.
Eight of us students share the ledge but fittingly, I’m right between the girl who hates me and the guy who loves me. The guy is Tracker, who saved my life when we first entered the Boys Dorm on opening day. I was trying not to draw attention but the chatter died and the faces turned my way, more uncertain than negative at first. They wanted me to say 'Yeah, my dad's an asshole' so they could smile and welcome me into their circle.
But I didn't. Because he's not. The silence turned ominous.
Then a thin but muscular guy unloading his pack to my right turned around, read the room in a second and smiled: “Rhino Rodgers, dude, if you’re not too famous to hang out with a nobody, we could share a bunk.” Which is as good an explanation as any for why, nine months later, I’m about to risk my life to save Tracker.
Jill sent a second opening because she was concerned that, right off the bat, her narrative went to backstory, a flashback, and the checklist says not to do that. Well, in writing fiction, there are no rules—the checklist is a list of tools that can work for you, but not a list of rules. I’ve read opening pages that “violated” more than half of the checklist that were quite successful.
So, for Jill’s openings, I like the original one, number 1, and would give it a page turn. The flashback works because it has tension in it, it raises story questions, and it does a good job of setting the scene of the story and introducing two sympathetic characters. And, before the page ends, we’re back in the scene with jeopardy threatening. Well done.
As for opening 2, I think it tries for too much by cramming in a third character. Let the scene in opening 1 play out and then get to the girl, the murder, and whatever else awaits after that. I think Jill shows plenty of talent and that plus her willingness to rethink her narrative speaks well of her future. This sounds like a fun story. Your thoughts?
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2022 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2022 by Alice.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Continue reading "Flogometer 1169 for Jill —will you be moved to turn the page?" »
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
Here is the opening of the prologue of The Housemaid. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.
If I leave this house, it will be in handcuffs.
I should have run for it while I had the chance. Now my shot is gone. Now that the police officers are in the house and they’ve discovered what’s upstairs, there’s no turning back.
They are about five seconds away from reading me my rights. I’m not sure why they haven’t done it yet. Maybe they’re hoping to trick me into telling them something I shouldn’t.
Good luck with that.
The cop with the black hair threaded with gray is sitting on the sofa next to me. He shifts his stocky frame on the burnt-caramel Italian leather. I wonder what sort of sofa he has at home. It sure doesn’t cost five figures like this one did. It’s probably some tacky color like orange, covered in pet fur, and with more than one rip in the seams. I wonder if he’s thinking about his sofa at home and wishing he had one like this.
Or more likely, he’s thinking about the dead body in the attic upstairs.
“So let’s go through this one more time,” the cop says in his New York drawl. He told me his name earlier, but it flew out of my head. Police officers should wear bright red nametags. How else are you possibly supposed to remember their names in a high-stress situation? He’s a detective, I think. “When did you find the body?”
I pause, wondering if this would be the right time to demand a lawyer. Aren’t they (snip
You can read more here. This earned 4.6 stars on Amazon. It must be the month for the rare prologue that works to entice me. The writing and voice promise a professional experience with the narrative, and the narrative itself raises strong story questions right from the first sentence. The prologue had me wondering about the story behind the body and why the character was anticipating arrest. Is she or he guilty or not guilty? Works for me. Your thoughts?
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
Here is the opening of the first chapter of Keep Her Quiet. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.
I look down at my enormous belly and touch where the baby’s heel is pressing. It’s getting on for midnight and my contractions are five minutes apart. The rain is illuminated by streetlights, glistening on the eerily quiet road. Leo darts a glance at me and I smile back. His concern is gratifying.
Ahead of us the traffic lights switch to red and Leo brakes too hard, startling a woman about to cross the road. She sends him a look of indignation and strides forward. Her short, belted coat looks inadequate. She’s wearing extremely high heels. On her way home from a first date, I decide, as a gust of wind turns her umbrella inside out.
Has she been good? Or has she done something she might regret, like I have? I stifle the thought. Nothing is going to spoil this.
‘Sorry about that,’ Leo says. ‘All right?’
This time my smile is through gritted teeth. ‘I’m fine. Just don’t kill anyone.’
Leo grunts in annoyance.
‘C’mon, for Pete’s sake.’
I laugh at him, then groan as a contraction rolls through me.
‘Breathe,’ Leo encourages.
You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. As someone who has driven his wife who was in labor to the hospital, I had immediate sympathy for these characters. But the only questions are how’s the birthing going to turn out? Boy or girl? Who cares?
The business with the woman and her umbrella in the crosswalk prevents a bit of narrative reaching the first page that does raise story questions sufficient to provoke reading more, IMO. The missing stuff:
I’ll forget what I did. It’s in the past, it’s gone. Constantly beating myself up over it will achieve nothing. Leo and I love each other, so why rock the boat? The truth can be so destructive.
I think the author missed an opportunity that a sharp editor could have helped her avoid. Your thoughts?
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given away.
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
Here is the opening of the first chapter of The Advocate’s Felony. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.
Three weeks later
It was fourteen minutes past two in the morning when the phone rang. Attorney Sabre Brown was startled by the blaring sound of the ringtone by the Goo Goo Dolls. She turned over and forced her eyes open. Confusion filled her mind for a second, quickly replaced by fear. Phone calls in the middle of the night never brought good news. She reached for her cell phone on the nightstand, not bothering to turn on the lamp.
“Blocked Number” glowed on her phone. Sabre slid the bar over on the touchscreen.
“Hello,” she squeaked. She cleared her throat. “Hello,” she said again.
“Sabre,” the male voice said softly. Sabre sat up in one jerky motion. She was shocked at the voice she heard on the other end of the line. Her heart pounded and her hands shook. “Ron?” she said louder than she intended. “Is that you?”
“It’s me,” he whispered.
Sabre hesitated. She so desperately wanted it to be her brother, but she didn’t trust that it was really him. Ron had been gone so long, over seven years. What if it was a trick? But that deep, baritone voice was tough to duplicate.
“What was the name of our childhood pet?” Sabre asked, remembering a code they had once created.
This earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. Being awakened by something is such a common trope you’d think writers would steer away from it. We’re so numbed by that kind of thing that your story had better strike quickly. Luckily, this one does raise good story questions before the page is done. There’s a sense of jeopardy ahead, nicely aroused by her cautionary identification of the caller and that he, her brother, has not been heard from for seven years. I think the tension could have been amped up if the first page had included the fact that the brother has been in a witness protection program for those years, and he was not supposed to contact her. So I’d read on a little. Your thoughts?
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown More than 600 free ebooks given away.
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist (PDF here)
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Alice sends Blizzard, the first chapter of Palo Duro Mustangs. The rest of the chapter is after the break. Remember to focus on writing craft regardless of genre. This might not be a genre for you, but you can surely judge the strengths of the opening page.
A dark blur faded in and out of a scattering of bare-branched cottonwoods along a dry snow-filled stream bed. Two Feathers squinted through the wind-swirled sea of white that burned his cheeks and stung his eyes, but the dark shape was gone. Was it his missing bull? No, he was almost sure he had seen the upright shape of a man. Yellow Hawk? Pinpricks raced down his back. A flutter settled in his empty stomach. How much longer would his uncle stalk him and Will?
Forcing thoughts of his uncle aside, Two Feathers pushed on. He had looked all day, but found no sign of the bull. He must find him. The idea of telling his brother they had lost another bull was unthinkable. Between the winter snows and Yellow Hawk’s raids, their losses were heavy.
Thoughts of the lost bull slipped away. Hatred for Yellow Hawk, his uncle, took its place. He shivered, but not from the cold. His eyes watered, but not from the wind. Memories filled his head. His own uncle had killed his father many years ago when he was very small. Will’s pa’s death a year ago during a raid by Yellow Hawk’s band left them, two young boys, to run the Pecos River Ranch. What was he supposed to do on a white man’s ranch? He was Comanche. He was supposed to hunt buffalo, not Longhorn bulls.
Will’s words that morning forced their way back into Two Feathers thoughts. “Find Big (snip)
This opening begins to edge toward a strong story question, but then sidesteps into backstory. I say “edge” because, even though we are told that he must find the bull, there are no stakes or consequences for failure. What will happen if he doesn’t find the bull? Is there a dire consequence? Then bring it on here.
There is some lovely language here, but, for me, there were times when it got in the way. Specifically, this:
the wind-swirled sea of white
While there's a lot to like here--the promise of a look inside a Native American's life--there are other issues. Here’s a brief edit:
A dark blur faded in and out of a scattering of bare-branched cottonwoods along a dry snow-filled stream bed. Two Feathers squinted through the wind-swirled sea of white that burned his cheeks and stung his eyes, but the dark shape was gone. Was it his missing bull? No, he was almost sure he had seen the upright shape of a man. Yellow Hawk? Pinpricks raced down his back. A flutter settled in his empty stomach. How much longer would his uncle stalk him and Will? The "sea of white" description is a bit of overwriting. Keep action like this simple. "would his uncle stalk him and Will" suggests that Will is there with him, but he's not.
Forcing thoughts of his uncle aside, Two Feathers pushed on. He had looked all day, but found no sign of the bull. He must find him. The idea of telling his brother they had lost another bull was unthinkable. Between the winter snows and Yellow Hawk’s raids, their losses were heavy. Why is it unthinkable? What are the consequences?
Thoughts of the lost bull slipped away. Hatred for Yellow Hawk, his uncle, took its their place. He shivered, but not from the cold. His eyes watered, but not from the wind. Memories filled his head. His own uncle had killed his father many years ago when he was very small. Will’s pa’s death a year ago during a raid by Yellow Hawk’s band left them, two young boys, to run the Pecos River Ranch. What was he supposed to do on a white man’s ranch? He was Comanche. He was supposed to hunt buffalo, not Longhorn bulls. Second reference to thoughts, an "echo" to avoid. The "slipped away" tells me that we're about to slip away from a story that you want me to be hooked by into a detour into backstory. Not a good idea. The antecedent for the "he" in this sentence is his father, not what you meant. This is a white man's ranch? I thought it was Will's pa's, who I was thinking was an Indian since Two Feathers is one and he's also running the ranch. This bit of backstory is tangled and confusing, and has nothing to do with finding a lost bull. Stick to the story, or start it in a different place.
Will’s words that morning forced their way back into Two Feathers thoughts. “Find Big (snip) More backstory.
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2022 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2022 by Alice.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Continue reading "Flogometer 1168 for Alice —will you be moved to turn the page?" »
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
Here is the prologue of Little Rumours. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.
Joe
The ghost was chasing Scooby down the hall when the screen flickered and went dark.
Joe sat for a moment staring into the black, then leaped to his feet.
‘Daddy!’ There was no answer. He fidgeted, first on one foot, then the other. ‘Mummy?’ He knew she wouldn’t answer him though – she was at her Saturday morning running club.
He glanced at the window. Daddy was in the garden somewhere. But he, Joe, wasn’t allowed to move from his spot in front of the TV. This was what Daddy always said on a Saturday – ‘Sit down, Sport, right here, and watch your cartoons until Mummy gets back. Don’t move from this spot … or there’ll be trouble!’
He didn’t want there to be trouble. Being in trouble was bad. But if he could no longer watch cartoons, then he couldn’t watch cartoons ‘from this spot’. That meant he could move, didn’t it? He practically had to. With one eye on the window, to make sure he wasn’t seen, he took a careful step forward. There was no-one watching. He took another step, grabbed the remote and jumped back.
He pressed the power button, but nothing happened. Surely Daddy wouldn’t mind if Joe went to find him? He’d come in, fix the TV, and then Joe could find out who the ghost of Rufus Raucous was.
You can read more here. This earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. For me, this is an interesting prologue. While there is no expressed jeopardy for the character and his only problem is that the TV stopped working, anyone who has read a few novels will sense an underlying tension. You just know that there’s trouble ahead for this child. The question is, is what might be coming enough to earn a page turn? I’d give it one more page to see if there’s something of interest going on, but not much more. Your thoughts?
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
Here is the prologue of Anchored, an urban fantasy. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.
The human brain interprets an image in thirteen milliseconds. At any given time, more than a hundred billion neurons are firing in the gray matter of an average kid. I learned that on my very last day of school.
The day before I escaped.
In spite of all those speedy, hard-working neurons, humans frequently make very poor split-second decisions. I’m kind of the expert on the consequences of bad calls.
If the semi-truck driver had serviced his brakes properly, my parents might still be alive. If I’d just lied about my bizarre dreams of Terra, Aunt Trina might not have surrendered us to the state. If I’d dealt with things better at the group home, well. There probably isn’t any reality where that would have happened. But if I hadn’t freaked out and screamed at my caseworker when he suggested separating me from my big brother Jesse, he might never have fixated on me.
If so many tiny details in my life had played out just a smidge better, someone else could be stuck making this decision instead of me. Someone else could be responsible for saving the world, and that would probably be way better for, well, for everyone.
Because if I'm being honest, I'm not sure the world deserves to be saved.
You can read more here. This earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. This is another good prologue, brief yet filled with story questions. The voice is inviting and the writing good. It raises good “what happens next” questions for me, and I want to know more about this character and if, how, and why she/he makes a decision to save the world. It would have been nice to know the gender, but I can wait to find out. Your thoughts?
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
Here is the prologue of The Culling, dystopian science fiction. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.
Papa fell down and he didn’t stand up again.
I’d seen Papa jump the tallest fence in our colony. I’d seen Papa laugh and dance with Mama in the living room when I was supposed to be asleep. And I’d seen Papa run alongside me, so fast. But I’d never seen Papa fall down until that morning.
I puzzled it out as I sat with Mama in our front yard, one of my twin sisters on my lap. “But where did he go?” I asked her.
“I don’t know.” Her voice didn’t sound like Mama’s voice.
I looked at the place where he’d fallen. The red dirt was pushed around like something had been dragged through it. I tried to understand. “But those men took him somewhere.”
Mama stood up quickly then, one of the twins on her hip. “They took him away. With the rest of the culled, Glade.”
I frowned. I didn’t know what that meant. All the grownups had been talking about the Culling, but no one had told me what it was. And then Papa had fallen down. And hadn’t moved for hours. Mama had gone out to him. Just once. Just for a minute. She’d leaned down over him and shook and shook. It had looked like she was talking. But she hadn’t let me go outside. Not until men had come by on a truck and picked Papa up and driven him away.
“And he won’t come back?” It didn’t make any sense. Papa always came back. He was (snip)
You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. This is one of those rare good prologues, one that is a scene that introduces a sympathetic character who has a problem. The child narrator doesn’t understand what the problem is, but readers see trouble ahead for her. Nicely done, IMO. Your thoughts?
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.