Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 280: W. Glenn Duncan—uncommon technique stirs story questions

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first chapter of Rafferty’s Rules: A Rafferty P.I. Mystery. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Excerpt from a statement dated June 11, 1970, by Mrs Wilma Tunney, age 53, of 1123 Oakdale Lane, Richardson, Texas.

… and he pointed a gun at me and said he wanted the money from the cash register. I should have given it to him, but for some reason—I don't know what I was thinking—I slammed the cash drawer shut, pulled out the key, and tossed it back into the kitchen. Through the food service port over there. And I screamed. Did I ever scream! Phil—he's the day manager—said that was dumb. I guess he was right. The guy might've shot me. Instead, he …

Excerpt from a statement dated June 11, 1970, by Mrs Jeanne Philmott, age 31, of 5849 Gaston Avenue, Dallas, Texas.

… my Gina’s tenth birthday, so I took her and four of her friends out for hamburgers. While we were waiting for the food, the Mollison girl— Vivian — excused herself to go to the bathroom. Vivian is such a polite little girl. I wish my Gina had nice manners like that.

After Vivian left the table, I heard a scream. That short woman was over by the cash register. She had her hand over her mouth, like she had said something she shouldn't have.

There was a very tall, very thin man by the cash register, too. He had on dirty jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. And he had an odd gun. It sounds silly, I guess, but it looked like a pirate gun.

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.3 stars on Amazon. I liked this different way of opening the story. The quotes from interviews give it verisimilitude, a sense that this really happened. And good story questions are raised right away, primarily “What’s going to happen next?” I think there’s tension in wondering about the fate of the girl who went to the bathroom and will likely be in danger. I’ll read more. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Title and author are nice and strong, but what the heck is that image? After study, it seems to be a bearded guy smoking a pipe. What’s up with that? The title alone would have been more effective for me than an undecipherable photo. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

A freebie for you

I couldn't find anything I wanted to look at on BookBub this morning, and I don't have any writers waiting for a flogging, so I thought I'd give you something to chew on.

In 2018 I started giving away ebook copies of Gundown, a speculative fiction novel that addresses gun violence and the justice system.

More than 2200 downloads have taken place, though I have no idea whether or not anyone has read it. But I'm doing what I can to try to stimulate new thinking on gun control though a thriller.

So here's a link to downloading a Kindle, epub, or PDF of Gundown. I hope you enjoy it. If you do read it, reviews on Amazon are welcome. Go to www.gundownload.com.

For what it's worth,

Ray

Here's the first page:

The sky a sunny blue over Chicago, Hank lengthened his stride and sliced through the noontime trudge of pedestrians on Michigan Avenue. He didn’t want to be late— it isn’t every day an NRA executive calls you up and says he has a mission for you.

Oh, man, to have a life again. While he sure as hell didn’t miss the army, he hated not being a cop anymore, sworn to protect and serve. His sense of duty needed something to do.

He shoved aside a spike of fear that his PTSD would get in his way today— lifted by a rare rush of well-being, he felt sharp, at his best. This could be his road back.

No, more. A road forward.

Damned if he was going to be another digit in veteran suicide stats. A tiresome clump of a half dozen gang jerks swaggered toward him with cocky menace, three of them with pistols in their hands. Sure, they had the right to carry them, but these guys were pushing it. The gangbangers blocked most of the sidewalk, forcing people to step off the curb or sidle along a building front.

He locked his gaze onto the eyes of the center guy, who carried a Glock semi-automatic. Hank slid his hand inside his Windbreaker to the familiar feel of the .45 Colt semiautomatic in his shoulder holster and walked straight ahead.

The kid held onto his cool until they came together but, one stride from colliding, he (snip)

Flog a BookBubber 280: Anna Willett—lollygagging fails to intrigue

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first chapter of Small Town Nightmare. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Despite the dip in temperature, the night skies were clear and freckled with stars. Tim finished peeing and followed the light from his phone back to the tent. Once inside, he rolled out his sleeping bag, smiling at the ponies galloping across the nylon cover. The one-man tent and girl’s sleeping bag were a bargain at eighteen dollars and worth their weight in gold on cold nights. He’d also gone crazy and bought a battered copy of How it Works – Volume 5 for fifty cents. It was the one book in the series he’d never read, so the probability of coming across a copy at a small town garage sale was somewhere in the range of eight thousand to one. Maths aside, Tim took the find as a good omen, not that he believed in such things. Still, spotting the out-of-date manual on a table littered with porcelain dog statues and Tupperware containers set his pulse racing.

He closed the book and shoved it in his pack. If his sister, Lucy, could see him now, camped illegally just outside a small town, she might not be impressed by his choice of lifestyle, something they’d agreed to leave out their infrequent chats. But she’d certainly have something to say about his living arrangements.

Tim pulled a dark woollen beanie out of his pack and stretched it over his head, dragging the edges down so his ears were covered. Fishing his small stash out of a rolled-up pair of socks buried at the bottom of the pack, he threw open the tent flap and shuffled outside.

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.5 stars on Amazon. The title and a blurb note that this took place in Australia pulled me in. But this opening sure takes its time building no tension. Thi is supposed to be a “gripping thriller full of suspense,” but you wouldn’t know it by this opening page. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

The title works nicely, and the reddish (blood?) color of the scene adds a nightmarish quality to the image, so that works for me. Once again, the author was cheated on the size of her name. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 279: Scott Blade—description stops the clock

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first chapter of The Midnight Caller. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

Joseph McConnell, "Jo Jo" to his friends, left the meeting thinking that the right thing to do was to go to the FBI. But they weren't his first choice. His first choice would have been to go to the NCIS. But how could he do that?

He did not know who to trust. The NCIS was risky. Homeland Security would be monitored. And the FBI?

He just didn't know. He needed time to think.

McConnell was a retired military officer himself. He had not retired with the highest rank for a man his age, but high enough. He was satisfied. Having low ambitions helped.

Never had he been anyone important. Nor had he ever aspired to be. He was happy in his former position. He had been satisfied with his accomplishments in the shadow of greater men.

There was nothing to be ashamed of. In the same breath, he also had nothing to be proud of either. Not really. He lived a mediocre life because he was a mediocre man.

At best, he deserved honorable mentions only for participation, not anything more.

Today, he lived a nice little life in the suburbs outside of Norfolk, Virginia, a well-established neighborhood called Brampton Heights, with sprawling sections of trees, surrounding a mid-level golf course. It was quite the place to retire. Mostly, he had been able to retire there not because of his accomplishments in the Navy, but rather for his silence. He knew things, dark things. And he had been (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.6 stars on Amazon. The writing is okay, though for me too much time is spent on description. As a result, this first page doesn’t have a story question or much in the way of tension.

It could have, though. Cut some of that description (of a guy who’s soon going to be dead) and you could gotten this on the first page:

The thing he knew now that he had learned today was too much, even for him. It was a secret that he couldn't keep.

That raises a story question and suggests serious stakes. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Title, subtitle, and author name are all handled well. But the visual? A man crossing a street? I don’t see a clue as to genre or story. I think this could have been done better. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Overwriting: the story killer

I’ve been busy with other projects this week and got so involved in them I forgot to break away and flog some writing.

But I continued to read a ton. I download BookBub novels for critiquing, and often read more of them. I have found keepers, authors who entertain me, and I track down more of their work and read it.

Reading the work of self-publishing writers has its hazards, though, primarily because they haven’t been edited. And I run into crippling narrative flaws.

Today I want to share a couple of examples with you. They are from The Shaman’s Secret. Here’s the passage that kicked off this post. A lawman is working to gather information and meets with a man who might know something. After the lawman arrives, greetings happen, we are introduced to the new character with too much description and backstory, and then this happens when the lawman, Rivera, asks . . .

“Did you hear about the shooting out in the Big Triangle yesterday?”

A legitimate question, don't you think? But, instead of answering it and continuing with actual story, the other character says:

“Wait, before you start, let me get us some coffee. I’ve got a pot brewing in the kitchen and I know how you are about coffee.”

“You read my mind.” Rivera had wanted coffee since he’d entered the house and his nostrils picked up the aroma.

Carey returned with two mugs full of steaming coffee. He handed one to Rivera and sat down.

“Of course I heard about the shooting, Manny. This is a small town.”

ARGH! Rather than getting on with the story, the writer actually stops all momentum by saying "Wait." Then coffee is served. 63 words wasted. Three paragraphs that matter not at all. Does the author think he’s adding characterization by this coffee ritual? No, practically everyone drinks coffee.

Will the coffee impact the scene or the story? No, not a whit. It’s just words that take up space. And time. And tension.

Speaking of just taking up space, here’s a passage from a little earlier when the lawman is learning about tracking devices.

Rivera wanted to ask a question about the handheld transceivers but Baxter kept talking.

“The technology is so cool. The collars send out pulse code modulated signals on an FM carrier...”

Singleton interrupted again. “Just a second, Charlie. Do you have a question, Deputy Rivera?”

So narrative is devoted to a character saying something that doesn’t matter. That doesn’t move the story forward. Why on earth would you spend words and valuable narrative to have a character take up time and words spewing stuff that doesn’t matter and has the story itself acknowledging that it is useless?

I won’t be reading any further in this novel. But it did serve to illustrate, one more time, the need self-publishing authors have for an editor.

For what it’s worth,

Ray

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flogometer 1114 for Natasha — strong opening in historical fiction

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Natasha sends the first chapter of an untitled novel. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Haifa, Palestine, 1948

I never thought we’d lose Palestine till they killed Isa. My parents never told me anything bad, but they had to tell me Isa was dead because we were best friends. I was sprawled on my bed lost in Dickens when they came to the door.

My father spoke first. ‘We need to talk to you, Salam.’

I dragged my mind from the bloodlust of eighteenth century Paris to see my parents hovering in the fading sunlight. “Is something wrong?’

They edged closer. Mama perched on the end of the bed, avoiding my gaze, while baba stood behind and studied the rock collection on my shelf.

‘You’re having another baby.’ I rolled my eyes. Women were always getting pregnant. ‘Two brothers are enough. I don’t want any more.’ My mother glanced at my father and I saw she had tears in her eyes.

I swallowed. ‘Is it Grandma?’

My father picked up a pink geode and squeezed till his veins protruded. ‘It’s your friend Isa. He’s dead.’

‘Dead?’ I pictured Isa on Mount Carmel not two weeks before, dark curls bouncing in the breeze. ‘He’s only twelve. He can’t be...’.The look on my mother’s face cut me short.

The subject alone is enough to kindle interest, and there’s drama in what happens, a child being told of the death of a friend. I think this could have been stronger if it alluded more clearly to what happened to the friend by stating that “He’s been killed.” rather than “He’s dead.” Death could come from many means, but being killed lets us know immediately that something wrong has happened. Instead of “why is he dead?” as a story question, it becomes “why was he killed?” I think the latter is stronger because it promises story to come.

There's a lack of clarity, too, in the second sentence. The use of "because" in "they had to tell me Isa was dead because we were best friends." makes this actually mean that, because Isa was a friend of Salam, he was killed. That's not true. To make it clear, how about "My parents never told me anything bad but, because Isa and I were best friends, they had to tell me he had been killed."

Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Natasha.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a BookBubber 278: Robert Swartwood—good writing, good story questions

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next is the first chapter of No Shelter. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

My flight gets in at McCarran a few minutes before midnight. Nova picks me up in a black Escalade reeking of stale cigarette smoke.

The first thing he says to me: “I know what you’re thinking and no, this isn’t stolen.”

The second thing he says to me: “You ready to kill some bad guys?”

He drives us to our temporary base of operations, a cinderblock storage garage on the outskirts of the city. Inside the garage are a table set up with computers, a card table covered with weapons, and what looks like a brand new Lincoln Town Car.

“Like it?” Nova asks me as we get out of the Escalade. “It’ll be your ride tonight.”

“Can’t wait.” I walk over to the card table, look at the mini-arsenal of rifles and pistols. Then I glance over at Scooter on the computer. “What’s up, handsome?”

He smiles at me, chomping away at his Bazooka Joe. “Hey, Holly, how was th-th-the flight?”

“Too short. They didn’t even serve me one of those tiny bags of peanuts I like so much.”

Nova walks up to me, holding a manila folder. “So you want to know who the target is?” “I thought you’d never ask.” He clears a space at the table and pulls up two stools. I take one and he hands me the manila folder. Inside are surveillance photos of a middle-aged man in a suit, balding with bushy eyebrows and glasses.

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.2 stars on Amazon. The writing is good, the voice appealing. The scene is set, and characters are introduced in an understandable way. Even better, story questions are raised with the promise of shooting ahead. And then there’s the question about who these assassins are and why are they doing this. Since I don’t know where McCarran is, a hint that we’re in Las Vegas would have been helpful and easy to do. If there could have been a hint as to how the target is a bad guy, that would have been a plus. As it is, though, it worked for me. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

This cover has several things going for it. Silhouette of woman holding a gun—check, there’s a dangerous woman inside. Title smeared with blood—check, there’s mayhem inside. Typography in italics and sloping—check, the type adds energy. And the author’s name is good enough. A good one, IMO. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 277: Joy Ellis—it’s a scene, but still setup without story

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the prologue of Beware the Past, “a gripping crime thriller.” A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

The Fens, 1991

‘Do you like the dark, Matt?’

DC Matt Ballard did not hesitate, ‘No, I bloody don’t. Especially not in a place like this. It’s treacherous!’

There was a soft chuckle in the darkness. ‘I know what you mean. Not the most hospitable of spots, is it?’

Matt shivered and felt mud squeeze between his boots as he tried to find a more comfortable position. ‘How much longer do we have to watch this dump, Sarge? I reckon your informant just wanted to make sure we spent a really miserable couple of hours, freezing our butts off out on this blasted marsh.’

‘Patience, Matt, my boy, another half an hour and it will be dawn. My snout’s never been wrong yet. If she says someone is using this ramshackle old place for a drugs drop, then they are, simple as that.’

Matt stared at the shadowy outline of the decaying cottage. ‘I suppose she could be right. If you know your way around this terrain, five minutes on foot and you’re at the river, catch the right tide and another ten in a boat, and you’re out into the Wash.

‘Exactly. Where a nice Dutch cruiser is waiting to fill your little dinghy with enough junk . . . (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. This book received 4.5 stars on Amazon. Well, the setting is done nicely, and we are in an immediate scene. There’s a little tension—will the drug dealer show up? But is it compelling? There’s no real hint of danger for the characters here, at least they don’t anticipate any. Basically, this is setup, and for me there’s nothing that demands a turn of the page. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

While the cover does a fine job displaying the title and author name, for me the image does little to intrigue. It’s gloomy, and what’s enticing about a canal with nothing happening on it? And those roundish things—what are they? As an enticement, this cover doesn’t work for me. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1113 for Deborah — the “information question” issue stymies this opening

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Deborah sends the first chapter of The Ballad of Nick and Brenda. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

It was because of that jet that crashed right into his neighborhood in Brooklyn. December 15, 1960. That’s when Nick decided, even though he was just a kid.

He was the first one to see that DC-8 coming down that morning. Always in dreamland, always looking out those tall, grimy windows. Brother Michael had his back turned, the chalk tapping and squeaking as he finished putting a poem on the board. The knot of Nick’s school tie pushed hard against his throat as he stared at the thing outside, a steel whale on fire while the snow fell. It looked like it was headed straight for his school, but then it banked a little to the left, clipped a church steeple, then the fireball and a terrific bang.

In the two seconds before it hit, Brother Michael was turning and saying, “Scholars, when Mr. Blake says, ‘To see the world in a grain of sand—'” then he saw Nick’s face and looked out the window, just as the jet slammed into the ground and the whole building trembled.

All of them, twenty boys, rushed to those big windows. They saw Brother Joseph run out with his holy oils in case someone—anyone—needed last rites. When he came back ten minutes later, they crowded into the hall and watched as he pulled the heavy door open, snow crusting his black shoes, then shook his head at the question on Brother Michael’s face. He made a beeline for his office and shut the door in a way that said, Don’t ask.

And then a few minutes after that, a glassy-eyed Brother Michael came back from . . . (snip)

The writing and voice are good, but this opening utilizes what I call an “information question” as a tease to try to create tension. It doesn’t work for me.

An information question—as opposed to a story question—happens when an author deliberately withholds information that helps the reader understand what’s going on. In this case, it is what did Nick decide? Why isn’t it there? Why is it important?

It seems to be a key to what happens to him later, so why isn’t it here? It could raise a good story question to keep us reading. But it’s not there, and I can’t think of a single reason why not. Otherwise, it’s clear that there’s no harm to Nick in this opening, nor does it seem like there’s jeopardy ahead. He’s safe, unthreatened. So why would a reader wonder what might happen next to this character?

The answer to the information question does come at the end of the chapter, but the chapter has another issue, IMO—at the end, I still had no idea what this story is about. No story question has been raised, which is a clue that the narrative needs to start later, at a time when Nick faces something that forces him to act. I think there’s potential here, but we need a story to begin taking shape.

Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2020 by Deborah.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a BookBubber 276: Shannon Heuston—strong start goes to backstory graveyard

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next is the first chapter of Wrath of the Sister. A poll follows the opening page below. Should this author have hired an editor?

My fingers closed over the cold steel blade of the knife in my pocket as I huddled beneath the rotting planks of the old shed. The sun had risen, illuminating the icy splendor of the world around me, but giving no warmth. My heart thudded against my ribcage.

I heard the crunch of footsteps on the frozen snow. I held my breath.

“Melody,” she called, her voice clear in the crisp air, “come out. You don’t have to hide. I’m not going to hurt you. I’m your sister.” She giggled.

Those were the wrong words to say. I stayed put, my hand wrapped around the knife.

It began with Agnes Ripple, and she would have liked it to end with her. She died in the kitchen gasping for air, her eyes beseeching me for help. Despite everything, I would have given my life to save her. She did not deserve my loyalty.

Agnes gave birth to her golden child first, and therefore whoever came second could never quite measure up. Certainly not me. I should have been a boy. Maybe that would have evened the playing field. Instead, I was a dim second to the ethereal Laurel, slender, blonde, blue eyed, intelligent, mature, thoughtful, and well-liked.

I made a sad contrast, with my mud colored hair and intense, emo disposition long before it became trendy, a disappointment before I could talk. With Agnes, it could be no other way. complained to Greg, our father.

You can turn the page and read more here. The opening paragraphs, with one little criticism, do a fine job of raising story questions and immersing you in a character and a scene in which something is definitely happening and jeopardy is calling the protagonist’s name.

The one little hitch is having an exposed knife blade in your pocket. Seems like you could get cut that way. Is it a folding knife? If so, why is it open in your pocket? If not folding, why wrap fingers around the blade and not the handle?

But then, with “It began with,” we are transported from the now of the story to the then of the story, backstory. There goes tension. There goes page-turning. Stay with this strong opening and get us into the story. If all this backstory exposition is needed, weave stuff in later. I clicked ahead and the scene that started the story hadn’t resumed by chapter 20. Talk about bait and switch! This is not good technique. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

This cover is a tie for my former worst ever. The cabin in the snow doesn’t give any story or genre clues, and the author name might as well not be there. The image, typography, and layout do nothing to help a pretty good title to engage a reader’s interest. What do you think?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.