Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 210: Cheryl Bradshaw—no bait, no hook, no story

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of The Amplified. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Doug Ward stood on the ship’s deck and gazed across the calm waves of an evening sea. The cool ocean breeze brushed past his face and clung to it like little particles of mist, but he didn’t seem to notice. The scotch in his hand was his fifth of the night, or the sixth or seventh—he couldn’t remember. Most nights he drank until he passed out, and tonight would be no exception. He’d drink himself into oblivion if it meant never hearing another one of his classmates sing the karaoke version of M.C. Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This.”

Twenty years had passed since anyone called him “Douggie”, but tonight he’d heard it shouted from every corner of the stuffy room that contained him. All he wanted was to get away from it, so he left the crowd at the costume party behind to sing their hearts out while he pondered the long list of life’s regrets in solitude. Rounding out the top five was his decision to take the high school reunion cruise in the first place. But there was little he could do about that now. Two more days, he thought, and this trip will be all over.

Doug’s memories of high school had faded through the years until he hadn’t remembered much of anything. It all seemed like the blur of someone else’s life, as if the experiences he recalled weren’t really his anymore. He had flashes of memories here and there, but only one solid enough to stand the test of time. And that was the one he’d tried his hardest to forget, but no amount of alcohol would ever drown it out. Not completely. Often times Doug thought (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.2 stars on Amazon. One of the reasons I started flogging BookBub novels is that I’m always on the lookout for a good read. Like a literary agent, I’m always hopeful for a winner—and disappointed most of the time. This opening page has good writing and voice, but where’s the story? We have an unsympathetic character, a guy who commonly drinks until he passes out, having a bad time at a reunion and musing about it. Do I care? No. Are there story questions? No. It turns out that this is the guy who is murdered in this mystery, but I wouldn’t have stuck around to find out, based on this first page. If you’re comfortable with leisurely opening, it may be okay for you. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 209: Lauren M. Flauding—strong voice, world, but are they enough?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of The Amplified. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

My brother would make fun of me.

I picture his playful yet condescending expression and manage a smile despite my labored breathing. I run in time to the music coming from my ancient device, pushed along by the rhythm that is so seldom found in our current songs. I try to decide which offense he would attack first.

"Mari, why do you use that relic to listen to music? The Adhesives are so much easier and you don't have to carry anything..."

True, the Adhesives are easier. One small patch placed on my temple allows me to listen to an hour of music or watch a movie without the hindrance of wires, attachments, or receivers. But I don't care much for the Adhesives. Once, my friend Alia made me adhere some awful movie about cat-people in love, and I couldn't make it stop. I just had to let it play through my auditory and optical systems until it ended and the patch dissolved into my skin. I much prefer seeing movies on our old holograph machine.

I pass the school, noting with some satisfaction that I'm just now starting to feel the burn in my legs. Some of the students are having their outside hour. Even from far away I can tell that it's the older ones, probably 11 or 12-year-olds, lounging on the play equipment and chatting with each other. Younger students would be running around, playing games, and generally (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.5 stars on Amazon. I have mixed reactions to this one. The writing and voice are strong, and that gives confidence that this could be a good storyteller. The world is immediately interesting with the hints of technology. The character is approachable, and has a good relationship with her brother, which helps make her connectable.

Yet where’s the tension? It’s just not here. This is all nicely done setup, exposition about this world. While world-building is necessary for this kind of fiction, there is no reason that something can’t be happening that raises story questions, that causes the character some trouble. So, despite the world and voice, I can’t give this one an automatic Go. On the other hand, it is interesting . . . Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1096 for Deborah —strong character and story question

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Deborah sends the first chapter for The Bricklayer. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

June,1953, Jordan, New Jersey

I planned to tell my wife last night after she slipped off her shoes by the door and sat on the sofa to roll down her stockings. I planned to sit as close as I dared and say it straight out: I am not who you think I am. I am German. During the war, I fought in North Africa, one of Rommel’s men, until he left us. Afrikaner, we called ourselves, with our Aryan skin that blistered in the desert. But I did not tell my wife last night. My mother would have sighed and said something about plans and God’s laughter. It will have to be today, then. This morning.

Always, my wife told these things to anyone who asked about me, Levi S. Jansen, her husband of two years: a Dutch war refugee, his entire family lost in the bombing raids, their house in Rotterdam flattened like a scorched pancake. A skilled bricklayer and homeowner. A man who liked to work in the garden and paint the cartoons and the watercolors. A fan of cinema, especially the Westerns. A man who was careful with making promises. Claire knew these things about me like she knew the color of her beloved Sinatra’s eyes.

But I made two promises to her mother yesterday, Friday: I would tell Claire my true name and the rest of it and then turn myself in to the police tonight, midnight. I will. Absolutely.

So tired.

At twenty-eight, I have felt many times like an old man, but with Claire, a twenty-two year-old girl, my laughing American wife, I was the boy I never got to be. I was like Levi and he (snip)

Good writing, inviting voice, and we’re immediately engaged with what is, for me, a sympathetic character. I say sympathetic because he clearly loves his wife and, at least on this page, not a bad man. To the contrary, a man promising to tell the truth and even go to jail for his past. Altogether, this raised a “what’s going to happen to him” story question. Worked for me. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Deborah.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 208: Kate Baray—basically, a nothing-burger of a first page

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Low End of Nowhere. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Lizzie Smith had been Lizzie since before she could remember.

But then she’d moved back to her hometown. Her return to Austin marked a turning point in her life. She’d opened her own business instead of working for someone else, bought a house instead of renting one, and had even adopted a dog. Full-on adult, that was her.

With a new city, a new job, and new clients, why not a new name? She’d introduced herself as Elizabeth, because Elizabeth was a woman who paid her mortgage. Elizabeth was a woman you could trust with your business. Elizabeth was an adult.

But the name hadn’t stuck, and—shockingly—it turned out that Lizzie was just as trustworthy and adult as that nonexistent Elizabeth woman.

In the same mistaken attempt to mold herself into an image of what she believed an adult to be, she’d cut her long, curly hair. Shorter would be more mature and manageable, right? Wrong. Her curls had rioted in their newfound, weightless freedom. And finally—this should have been a sign that she’d lost all sense of self—she’d even (very briefly) given up her fun, funky nail polish. In trying to abandon it, she’d discovered exactly how happy sparkly pink, navy, gold, and neon-green made her. Funky nail polish for the ultimate win.

Where did all of these failed changes land her? With an “ie” name, untamable curls, funky nail polish, and exactly the same place she’d started. She was—external changes aside—(snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.1 stars on Amazon. It's billed as an urban fantasy romance. Well, you wouldn’t intuit either of those things from this opening page. The writing is fine, the voice is good, but . . . I just didn’t care for this person, and nothing is happening, nor is there any promise of anything interesting happening. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1095 for Lisa —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

---

Lisa sends the first chapter for The Forgotten American. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

The sun is making me sweat on this muggy afternoon in Saigon and I’m lying with my face on the ground behind the orphanage. I’m curled up in a ball and wondering why dirt doesn’t smell anything like dust?

“Trẻ bụi đời!” Tuan’s shrill voice screams at me. In Vietnamese, it translates into, “vagrant of the city.” That’s his favorite name for me. I brace myself, but nothing happens, so I make the mistake of opening my eyes, and that’s when his sandaled foot kicks dirt in my face. The eye grit is the least of my worries because now my back is getting pounded with fists.

“You a dirty boy!” yells Phuoc, Tuan’s evil shadow.

Something sharper than a fist hits me on the leg and I yell out. Phuoc is thrashing me with a stick. Tears surface. I can’t help it. He’s hitting my crippled leg and it feels like it’s on fire.

“Your mother was a whore!” Tuan spits on me. “Your father killed my family! I will make you pay!”

Just then Uncle Lu calls my name, “Tin! Where are you, lazy boy?

Tuan gives me a kick in the ribs and Phuoc tosses his stick in the bushes before they run away laughing. It takes me a while to uncurl. Everything hurts. I wipe my face on my now dirty white shirt. I wish they would just leave me alone.

This immerses us in the experiences of an empathetic character—a crippled boy—right from the start. Clearly something is going wrong. While the story question related to the beating is quickly answered (it ends), we are left wondering what will happen to this character. There’s a good “why” story question, too: why is he hated like this? The kids say things, but we don’t really understand yet.

A couple of little things I’d look at: it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me that a kid who is being beaten/knows he’s going to be beaten would be thinking about the smell of dirt. The second is that “his sandaled foot kicks me” is awkward and would work better if it were simply “he kicks me.” I don’t think that he’s wearing sandals matters here. Oh, and dialogue in a foreign language should be italicized. Your thoughts?

Ray

Tweet

Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Lisa.

---

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 207: Michael Stone—lots of atmosphere, but no story question or tension

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Low End of Nowhere. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Grundy Dopps, a sour-looking little pinch of white trash, waddled out of his trailer that morning somehow knowing it wasn’t going to be his day. Unfortunately, this was one of those rare times that his intuition was right. His hay fever was killing him. An angry tumor of phlegm festered behind a nose that was rubbed so raw, it felt like he’d been wiping it with steel wool. The midday heat pushed the thermometer in his toolshed up past ninety-five. Everything was turned around. It wasn’t supposed to be so hot this early in June, and the tree pollen wasn’t supposed to be so thick this late in the season. Not in Colorado.

“Go figger it,” he reasoned pitifully as he sneezed. “Very weird.” More sneezes. “Everything’s always so weird.”

Then there was that call that woke him up earlier. The guy said he was an investigator for an attorney. Grundy had his doubts.

“My name is Soyko,” the guy had informed him.

“You got a first name or is that it?” Grundy asked, holding a soggy handkerchief just inches in front of his nose.

“All you need to know is Soyko. We gotta talk, you and me.” It wasn’t a request. “Man who hired me said we should go over your testimony. Make sure you get it right and all that.”

Who does he think he is? Grundy wondered. Even Jesus Christ had two names. At least (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.1 stars on Amazon. This is billed as a “classic hardboiled” novel, and it definitely captures that style and tone. The writing is fine, and we get a good feel for place. However, we don’t get much in the way of tension or a story question. The page is solely about the guy’s allergies plus a little tease about it not being his day.

This didn’t need to happen. Trim out some of the excess about his allergy symptoms and pollen in Colorado and this could have made it on the first page:

“Is this about that maniac, what’s his name?” he asked Soyko. “Fred Borders? Him and his murder trial?”

With that we have a clue about the story, and the teaser about it not being his day lets us know there’s trouble ahead for this character. It would have made the difference for me. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 206: Jason D. Morrow—immersion in nonhuman character intriguing

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Prototype D. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

HIS EYES GLOWED and the clouds above him came into focus. The sky was mostly flat and gray, overcast with a bleakness that engulfed the sun. Of course, he had never seen the sun before. He could have scanned the archives embedded in his memory, but having knowledge of the sun and actually experiencing its warmth were two different things.

He lay on his back and had no memory of how he had gotten there. One by one his fingers started to twitch. From there they began to curl, and as they did he could feel the pressure sensors in his digits groping at the earth beneath him. With his right hand he made a fist and pulled the grainy substance away from the ground and held it above his face. Tiny red particles escaped his grip by the hundreds between the gaps in his fingers.

Dirt.

This time he did scan the archives in his mind and confirmed that yes, this was dirt. He let his fingers relax and the rest of the particles fell freely. Immediately his vision was impaired by the small cloud of dust and his body jolted upward into a sitting position. He shook his head quickly, trying his best to make the dirt fall away from his eyes. He looked at the ground next to him and then at his hands, a cold, hard metal. They felt strong as he tightened his grip on another fistful of dirt. This time he held up both hands in the air and let the grains fall slowly. The clouds of dust were bigger this time and he had to wave a hand in front of his face to clear the air. Clear (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.2 stars on Amazon. This opening page does a good job of both immersing you in the character’s experience and letting you know that this is a character like you’ve not experienced before. There are clues enough to assume it’s a robot of some kind, but a thinking—and feeling?—one. The voice and writing are strong, as well. As for story questions, they’re sure there. What’s going on? Why has he/it never seen the sun before? While nothing is clearly wrong, these are clues that all is not right for this character, or may not be. With the good writing and a strong dose of intrigue, this was enough for a page-turn from me. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 205: Andi Hyldahl—not much of a story question here

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Allusion. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

A dusty, maroon pickup approaches. My pulse surges. The timing is dead on. I duck under the foliage and heft up dad’s ancient binoculars, zooming in on two large hands gripping ten and two.

These hands could be the ones.

But the truck putts along the quiet street without reason to stop, leaving me empty-handed and stalking the innocent in broad daylight. I sigh and move on, waiting for the next moving target. I’ll wait all day if I have to. No more secrets.

Several minutes of stillness pass. I regroup, pulling the blanket of hair off my sticky neck into a heap on top of my head. I turn away from the street and stare at the neglected house in front of me, eyeing the patchy lawn, the peeling paint, and the tired porch swing that would certainly send a sliver into unsuspecting behinds. But no one visits this house. Except for today.

I’m spending my eighteenth birthday in my front yard, lodged between two overgrown juniper bushes, chomping down the final inches of a sweaty Slim Jim. I’ve been waiting three hundred and sixty-four days for this.

Every June twenty-fifth, a miracle happens. An anonymous gift is left on my porch. It is the only gift I receive all year, and it is exactly what I need.

It’s the reason I’m willing to get up each morning and face reality. And unlike years past, (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.7 stars on Amazon. The writing is okay, though I would ask about things such as the truck having no reason to stop. There is tension here—will she find out the mystery giver? But is it compelling tension? Not for me. And, when I of course looked ahead, this is a bait and switch because the mystery giver doesn’t show up while she watches. She gives up, and later a package appears on the porch. This could have been much stronger if tightened up, and if there were any kind of stakes or problem involved. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1095 for Shaun —are you compelled to turn the page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Shaun sends the first chapter for My Last 1000 Days. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

Jack knelt beside the small grave and lowered the blanket-wrapped body. Next to it, he placed two favorite toys—the furry hedgehog and the indestructible red ball used so often for fetch—each in its own plastic bag. Last, he tucked in a metal cookie tin, his makeshift time capsule. It held a USB drive with images, videos and Zak’s life story, double-sealed in two plastic bags and sealed in a mason jar.

He pushed to his feet, wincing when his old knees complained. He leaned his chin on the long-handled spade, willing time to reverse and erase the funereal scene. Jack’s mind drifted. Time lost definition. Clouds obscured the sun. Shadows deepened in the glade.

That morning, Zak struggled to stand and gave up. He’d been fading for months and had nudged fourteen years. Jack carried him outside. The local vet answered his sad summons and drove to the farm on an October Sunday. Lying on a blanket in the warm sun, Zak wagged his tail. Though in discomfort, his eyes remained bright. His handsome Lab face welcomed company.

The vet shaved black fur from a section of Zak’s leg and injected the sleeping potion. His body relaxed as slumber eased any pain. She prepared the second needle. “Are you sure?”

“We have no choice,” he whispered.

The vet pushed the plunger and listened to the dog’s chest with her stethoscope.

The writing and voice are fine, and the scene is set. Something is happening but, IMO, not much, and then we slip into backstory. It’s sad that Jack has lost his dog, but that’s about it. Nothing is really a problem for Jack. And I haven’t a clue what this story is about—I doubt it’s about the dog. I think this story starts later, but I won’t be reading on. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Shaun.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 204: Jon Messenger—the writing sinks this one from the start

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Wolves of the Northern Rift. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

The whirling blades of the zeppelin propellers hummed within the passenger cabin, as the inflated transport drifted over the frozen landscape below. Frost clung to the windows, leaving tendrils of ice crystals reaching toward one another from their respective corners of the panes of glass. Despite the heat within the undercarriage cabin, the cold blanketed the hull of the craft.

Within one of the private rooms of the large cabin, Simon Whitlock drummed his fingers impatiently on his top hat, which rested on the table between him and his associate. Simon looked out the window, though the glass fogged almost immediately from his warm breath. He rubbed it with his suit sleeve, leaving a damp smear over the glass.

Frustrated, he sat back and pulled on the chain that dangled from his waistcoat. The pocket watch on the end of the chain slid from his vest pocket and spun lazily in the air. Simon grabbed the watch delicately and pushed the button on top. It swung open, revealing the timepiece on one side and a royal crest etched into the silver of the other. A photo of a dark-haired woman had been placed over the crest, concealing much of it. He only halfheartedly read the time before clicking the watch closed and replacing it in his pocket. The motion of brushing his suit aside revealed the butt of the silver revolver, tucked firmly in a shoulder holster. Simon hastily pulled his jacket back over the weapon and looked at his partner.

“How much longer is our trip?” Simon asked, interrupting his associate from his studies. (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.1 stars on Amazon. Right from the start you know this narrative will have issues—the first half of the first sentence has propellers whirling INSIDE the passenger cabin. Then there’s the overwriting, the description of the minutia of checking the time with his pocket watch. A quick scan of the reviews revealed a number of readers having problems with the quality of writing in this book, and they weren’t wrong. Having downloaded this for review, I am now going to delete it from my Kindle. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.