Flogging the Quill

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 355 Al Pessin—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Here are the first 17 lines of Chapter 1 of Blowback, billed as a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

The six-man Special Ops team slipped into the village at two a.m., walking almost silently along the edge of the hard-packed dirt road past the ramshackle one-room houses, trying not to disturb the sleeping dogs. The men were all in black, with night vision goggles protruding from their helmets and M4 assault rifles at the ready. The thin mountain air was cold, and their breath, steady and even in spite of the long climb from the landing zone, turned to fog. Clouds obscured the moon—always a good thing.

GPS indicated their target was forty meters ahead.

* * *

Thirty-five hundred miles to the west, a young man walked along a very different road in a nondescript residential neighborhood of South London.

It was well into a cold, drizzly evening as he rounded the corner, twenty minutes from the Underground station where he’d gotten off the train.

Mahmoud wore black jeans, a dark green T-shirt, and a black jacket. His baseball cap and backpack were gray, and the cap bore no team logo. He pulled it down to his eyebrows as he turned into the wind. Mahmoud found the spot he had scouted between the light circles of two lampposts and checked his phone. Three bars, just as before. He turned into a dark alcove between two houses and wedged himself into a small space behind their dumpsters. He dialed the (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.6 stars on Amazon. The opening paragraph promises action and trouble ahead for the soldiers. One little note: I think it could have been strengthened if we had known that this is an Afghan village. That would orient us immediately. This starts with a good story question or two—what is their mission, will they succeed?

The second part is less specific, but the behavior of the young man and his name suggest a possible terrorist. If we had known the village was Afghan, I think we’d have been certain. While there is no jeopardy clearly ahead for him, the juxtaposition of this narrative with the soldiers on the attack leave me to think that there are more action and violent events to come. What are they?

I was intrigued enough to go to the Look Inside page and read more. As a result, I bought the book. This is rare for me to do, I work hard at getting free books. But this one was promising. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Strong reds and oranges, an explosion, a soldier with a gun advancing . . . this cover delivers a strong promise of what’s inside. The title is fine, but I would have made the author name pop a lot more. That’s his brand, and it should be strong. A good cover, overall. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 354 Daryl Wood Gerber—does this first page work for you?

Change in flogging focus:In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost, starting with the 99¢ variety, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of Chapter 1 of Cold Conviction. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

I awoke with a jolt, heart pounding. A nightmare hadn’t startled me. What had? I ran my fingers through my hair and peered at the bedroom window, which was open a crack. When I slept, I liked to drink in Lake Tahoe’s crisp, pine-scented air. To calm myself now, I listened to the distant swish of the lake’s waves lapping the shore and the breeze whistling through the pines. There was no other sound. Not even a nocturnal critter skittering on the cabin’s rear patio.

The cordless telephone jangled.

My insides reeled. I struggled to a sitting position, switched on the lamp on the nightstand—the clock read two a.m.—lifted the cordless telephone’s receiver, and pressed Talk.

“Aspen, I didn’t do it,” Rosie rasped.

My older sister, an addict who was known to ramble. Had I sensed she would call? Was that why I’d awakened?

I stifled a yawn. Yesterday had been a long, trying day. Today, Wednesday, was going to prove even longer if I didn’t get more sleep. “What are you talking about, Rosie?”

“It wasn’t my fault.” She didn’t slur her words. She sounded sober. And she was pacing. I heard her lumbering footsteps. “It wasn’t my fault,” she repeated, her voice barely a whisper.

I pressed the receiver tightly to my ear. “Speak up. What wasn’t your fault?”

Cinder, my rescue dog, gazed at me from the foot of the bed. I signaled for him to settle down.

You can read more here. This earned 4.7 stars on Amazon. What with leading off with a cliché and then adding overwriting to the narrative, I was immediately discouraged. For a story question, I guess it’s what is it that Rosie is talking about. With not much in the way of stakes, it’s not much of a story question.

This one calls out for a quick edit:

I awoke with a jolt, heart pounding. A nightmare hadn’t startled me. What had? I ran my fingers through my hair and peered at the bedroom window, which was open a crack. When I slept, I liked to drink in Lake Tahoe’s crisp, pine-scented air. To calm myself now, I listened to the distant swish of the lake’s waves lapping the shore and the breeze whistling through the pines. There was no other sound. Not even a nocturnal critter skittering on the cabin’s rear patio. Pounding hearts are such cliches. You're a writer, find a fresh way to say this. Fingers in hair affect nothing, storywise. Overwriting.

The cordless telephone jangled. How does "cordless" matter? Overwriting.

My insides reeled. I struggled to a sitting position, switched on the lamp on the nightstand—the clock read two a.m. I answered.—lifted the cordless telephone’s receiver, and pressed Talk. It's usually heads that reel (cliche). And there's no need for all those words describing how to operate a phone. Overwriting.

“Aspen, I didn’t do it,” Rosie rasped. Using a dialogue tag as description usually isn't a good idea. For example, how about: Her voice raspy, my sister Rosie said, "I . . . etc.

My older sister, an addict who was known to ramble. Had I sensed she would call? Was that why I’d awakened?

I stifled a yawn. Yesterday had been a long, trying day. Today, Wednesday, was going to prove even longer if I didn’t get more sleep. “What are you talking about, Rosie?”

“It wasn’t my fault.” She didn’t slur her words. She sounded sober. And she was pacing. I heard her lumbering footsteps. “It wasn’t my fault,” she repeated, her voice barely a whisper.

I pressed the receiver tightly to my ear. “Speak up. What wasn’t your fault?”

Cinder, my rescue dog, gazed at me from the foot of the bed. I signaled for him to settle down. What? This is a suspense novel and on the first page we're spending time introducing a dog that isn't doing anything? Overwriting times two.

Your thoughts?

Cover critique

Color is good, and the photo creates a mood appropriate for a suspense novel. I would ding the designer on the title, though—the red font is almost lost against the dark background. You should make sure the title stands out, not cowers in the darkness. On the other hand, the author name is strong. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a Pro at Writer Unboxed

It's time for my monthly Flog a Pro post on Writer Unboxed. Check it out. 

Ray

Vaccine slump

Got my second Covid vaccination yesterday after the first one a month before.

That one didn't seem to affect me, but this one has me feeling like I have a slight fever and achy.

That's my excuse for no blog post today.

On the other hand, it may ensure that I will be around a lot longer to make up for it.

All best,

Ray

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 353 Zachry Wheeler—does this first page work for you?

Change in flogging focus:In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost, starting with the 99¢ variety, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of Chapter 1 of Max and the Multiverse. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Max stared at a dingy basement wall, tracing the grout lines of bare cinder blocks. He stood motionless in the center of the room, wary and waiting. His eyes shifted towards every faint sound. A thump here, a muffle there, then footsteps. Floorboards creaked overhead, then down the hall, then nowhere. A door slammed. A car rumbled to life and faded into the distance. Max closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then pumped his fists and shouted “Spring break!”

Max’s parents had departed for Hawaii, leaving him to fend for himself in the dusty suburbs of Albuquerque, New Mexico. Not that he minded. As an only child with social anxiety and a deep distaste for the outdoors, he welcomed a quiet week in a dank basement. He enjoyed it, preferred it even. Spring break to most teens meant travel to exotic locales, or at the very least, anywhere but home. Max had no interest in such things. Spring break to him meant one thing: gaming. Lots and lots of gaming. An endless romp of caffeinated carnage without curfews or prying parents.

And so, it began.

His closest friends inhabited pixels on a computer, the avatars of fleshy cohorts all around the world. They escaped their real-life dungeons by slaughtering monsters in virtual ones. It gave them a sense of pride and accomplishment, all while dismantling their basic social faculties.

You can read more here. This novel received 4.4 stars. While it technically opens with something happening, it is basically all setup. Trouble ahead? Nope. Trouble now? Nope. A problem the character needs to address? Nope. I could go on, but why? I’m sure a good editor would have helped. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

So this is the cover for a science fiction novel. Does it say that to you? Not to me. For me, this cover doesn’t do anything to help define or illustrate the title or the genre. What is a multiverse, anyway . . . could be poem with lots of verses. At least the title and author name were clear and prominent, but that’s about it. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1144 for Cathy — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Cathy sends the first chapter for Old Roads. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.

Theirs was a small world.

Not that the people of Tarn were aware of that. Few travelled outside their village and fewer still left Tarn, most of those only venturing into a neighbouring county. Why travel farther? The local merchants brought back anything you could possibly need from the twice yearly Wenn fair.

~*~

Outside, Brook rattled around the yard, while the birds sang sundown songs to the sky.

Inside the workshop, the only sounds were the rasp of the whetstone on my knife and an occasional crack from cooling charcoal. Dust motes drifted in the sunbeams that made it through the window. I tested the blade on my thumb. It hardly dragged against the skin, but a fine red line appeared.

Activity in the yard stilled. Except for the birds.

‘Jaywing?’

My parents only used my full name when I was out of favour.

Setting the knife aside, I slipped a silver ring onto each finger – I still had ten in those days. As I chose earrings from the silver I’d already cleaned, the inner door from the house opened and a greying head appeared.

This is nicely written and has a distinct voice that promises an enjoyable read. But what of tension? For me, there were no compelling story questions raised. The protagonist is fine and doesn’t anticipate any trouble on the horizon, nor is she dealing with a problem now. I read through the rest, and problems and story questions didn’t appear. I know most writing craft books advise including some of the world in a “normal” state before making things happen – but that can happen in a paragraph or two. In a sense, this is “throat-clearing.” I’d love to see the narrative where things go wrong for the protagonist. Start there. Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Cathy.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 352 A P Bateman—does this first page work for you?

Change in flogging focus:In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost, starting with the 99¢ variety, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of Chapter 1 of The Town. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Stone took his coffee black and strong. Double espresso. But in these parts it was just called coffee. The waitress topped him up, smiled and walked away to the other tables. Truck drivers, farmers, lumberjacks. These were not espresso drinkers. They eyed Stone warily. Something about him. Strong and fit, but a little too clean. A little too tidy.

He watched the man across the street. He had been shouting for a good few minutes. Long enough for Stone to consume the Danish and drink half his cup. There was something curious, something unnerving about the admonishment he was giving. Admonishment the man in the passenger seat was taking. He watched the man giving the scolding walk into the hardware store. He was a big man, but wore it around his gut. He walked stiffly. Stone imagined him to be in his late-fifties, maybe sixty. Someone who had clearly lived a hard life. Something about the stiffness. As though he carried injuries borne from time and perseverance. Not merely a slip or fall.

His attention turned to the man in the passenger seat. Head bowed, shoulders sagged. He’d had a severe reprimand that was for sure, but it was the way he had taken it that had puzzled Stone. The guy looked big. Stone could only see his shoulders and chest; there was power there for sure. But not strength, not in character at least. He looked broken, defeated. Stone had seen the look before.

You can read more here. This novel earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. There are interesting things going on, but they’re across the street and don’t involve the character. Speaking of across the street, if I’m in a café looking out a window, across a sidewalk, across a two-lane street and to the far side of the interior of a car, I just don’t buy that I would see all this detail about the guy in the car.

This narrative needs editing from a craft perspective. The repetition of passive behavior: “He watched.” Thinking of himself as “Strong and fit, but a little too clean. A little too tidy.”

In terms of story, all of this is about people who are not the protagonist. Although we can figure that he will be involved at some point with the scene across the street, he isn’t. There’s nothing here to suggest jeopardy or any stakes related to it. This is what is called, IMO, throat-clearing. Yes, it describes action that affects plot, but the author could have done the same and involved the protagonist by starting later, when the coffee drinker encounters the big guy across the street. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

This cover is okay, could have been better. Were it me, I would have made the title not so tall to have more space for the running man to be larger. That signals action and raises question where the title does not. Putting the title in a color with more contrast, such as red, could have also brought energy to the cover. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 351 Samantha Lee Howe—does this first page work for you?

Change in flogging focus:In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost, starting with the 99¢ variety, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the prologue for The Stranger in Our Bed, billed as a psychological thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

The rain fell in big fat droplets and poured down into my eyes. My hair was plastered to my head – blonde turned into dirty wet streaks that clung to my cheeks. I’d been here before, another time, another moment of betrayal and sadness. Déjà vu. Fear sank down into the pit of my stomach. I was drowning in the endless possibilities of ‘future’. What about my daughter? So small, so helpless, so alone.

Oh God! Melody. She was in the house … v

I wanted to run, make sure Melody was all right, but I couldn’t move. My limbs were frozen, my whole body weak. I might have been suffering from shock – and no surprise.

I ran my hand over my face, clearing the water from my eyes. And then my fingers touched the sore sticky wound on my forehead and I found myself staring at the red stain on my palm. The rain eroded the blood, as though it could wash away the evidence of my crime.

I was standing on a precipice, swaying slightly. I closed my eyes, blocking out the sight of the hole in the ground at my feet. Nothing moved. I didn’t want to look down at the picture of death below, even though I was responsible for it, but the shape of the body crumpled in the void was still visible behind my eyes. I shook my head, trying to dispel the unwelcome thought along with the guilt I carried.

When did this all start? How had my life taken this terrible turn?

You can read more here. This novel earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. There’s definitely tension in this opening due to multiple story questions. What has happened? Who is dead? Did she kill the victim? Is her daughter okay? What will happen next?

This prologue is gripping, but at the last sentence in it displayed a major violation of point of view. It was this:

Unaware of the black shape slowly getting to its feet in the pit behind me, I started to walk towards the first police car.

In close third person, if a character is unaware of something, then it doesn’t belong in the narrative. For this character, the black shape doesn’t exist, so how can it be in her first-person narrative of what is happening in the now of the story? I’ll agree that it creates another strong story question, but it is not good writing craft. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

While the primary colors (yellow and black) are consistent with the thriller genre, and the author and title are handled appropriately, I don’t see that the image contributes much. It’s a messy bed. Could be an ad for a maid service. No tension on this cover, as I see it. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 350 Louise Clark—does this first page work for you?

Today’s BookBub flog is for a “cat” novel. As an author of cat novels, that leads me to ask you to respond to this poll. You can check more than one item. Many thanks.

Change in flogging focus:In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost, starting with the 99¢ variety, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning whether or not this opening page clears the hurdle.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Here are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of The Cat Came Back (The 9 Livers Cozy Mystery Series), a crime cozy. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

"I have to throw that out too?" That was a stuffed kangaroo sent to Noelle all the way from Australia.

"We aren't throwing anything out. We're giving the toys you've outgrown to a charity," Christy Jamieson said patiently. Since she and her daughter were moving from a big house to a very small one, everything had to be assessed before it went into one of the 'keeper' boxes. There just wasn't enough room for all the material goods that had been part of their lives in the rambling mansion.

The kangaroo was one of dozens of stuffies that Noelle hadn't played with for a year or more. Convincing her daughter to give up each toy, no matter how ignored, was a struggle. So far there were more toys in the 'donate' box than in the 'keeper' box, so Christy was winning out. She wasn't sure how much longer her run of luck would continue.

Noelle picked up the kangaroo. "Gerry gave it to me."

He had indeed. Christy could remember when the courier had delivered the small, red-brown stuffie. Frank, her husband and—if she could ever find him—soon to be ex, had looked at it, then commented that Gerry Fisher had probably written it off as an expense against the Jamieson Trust. Christy didn't believe that for an instant. She knew there had been conflict between Gerry and Frank through the years, but she'd always considered Gerry the best of the (snip)

You can read more here. This novel earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. This opening doesn’t suffer from bad writing or a dull voice, but it does suffer. From the lack of a cat (promised by the cover). From lack of a mystery, also promised on the cover. From the lack of tension. From the lack of a story question. Maybe cozy readers are much more patient than I am, but there was literally nothing here that hinted of what the title and cover promised. Your thoughts?

Cover critique

If the person looking at this cover is into cats, then it’s a strong cover. But a person looking for a mystery? Not so much. It’s colorful, and that gives a light mood, and you can expect that in the story. I thought the author name and title were fine. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1143 for Ronald — would you turn this page?

Hey, if you’re isolating like I am, get that trunk novel out and get to writing . . . and/or submitting the first chapter to the Flogometer to get free insights into how it’s working.

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Ronald sends the first chapter for A Dire Onus. As usual, the rest of the narrative is after the break.

“The Unnamed Rune does not exist and never will. You are alone, Child of Stain. Not even The Runic Circle can help you.”

The memory of those cryptic words tormented Rucker like a maddening itch that was always there, but just beyond his reach. Even worse, the demon’s maniacal laughter echoed in his mind; a distant whispered laugh that plagued him day and night. Laughter only he could hear.

Rucker forced his thoughts elsewhere, but his effort seemed to make things worse by focusing his mind on a more immediate problem: Brogan was missing; possibly a prisoner, but more likely dead. Either way, one simple fact remained — his teacher was gone, leaving a gaping void in Rucker’s heart.

What Rucker wanted now more than anything else, was to go back home to Bieldburg; back to Lilya. They’d get married just as they always planned, and he’d stay with her forever. That’s what he longed for. However, it would have to wait.

First, he had to fulfill his promise to Brogan. He’d take Briar Wolfanger’s Hammer to the Dwarves on Blackpool Island and complete Brogan’s mission. Then he’d go home.

But right now, death stood in his way.

The writing and voice are good, so there’s no issue there. But what happens on this page? Check out the checklist. There is a character, but he’s busy musing, not doing. If there’s something wrong, we don’t see it. Does he desire something? To fulfil a promise, but we don’t know that that promise nor how difficult it is to keep.

Is the character taking action? Nope. We don’t know what the setting is. There’s info-dumping but no story question raised.

This paragraph started the next page:

Rucker came to a standstill halfway across the long bridge and watched the three sellswords coming at him with drawn weapons in hand.

That could be a good opener . . . but the narrative then wanders into more musing and backstory. For me, the action begun in the paragraph above should be continued. Dribble out information as things happen and, with warriors attacking you, don’t pause to muse about stuff. Your thoughts?

For what it’s worth.

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Vaughn.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.