Flogging the Quill

Flog a BookBubber 219: Nicole R Taylor—jeopardy on the way, strong story questions

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Crescent Calling. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Standing in the shadow of the ancient hawthorn tree, my grip tightened around the dagger.

I wished I’d opened my eyes sooner because it would’ve saved a lot of heartache, but it was always the way. Hindsight was a terrible thing in the aftermath of life-altering events. The past can’t be changed, no matter how hard you wish it to be.

Sometimes, a coincidence is just that. Other times, the signs just keep piling up one after the other until there’s no denying it. This was real. All of it.

Magic, witches, fae, shapeshifters. They no longer resided on the pages of a storybook. They lived in my backyard, clawing at my door, thirsting for the magic that ran through my veins.

Staring up at the hawthorn tree, the silver rays of the full moon trickled through the branches, dusting the clearing with an eerie glow. Under different circumstances, it might’ve been beautiful, but I wasn’t waiting for a lover to come and sweep me off my feet. I was waiting for a monster.

The ritual was complete, the trap was set, and now all that was left to do was to wait for destiny to come and claim me.

The sound of something moving through the woods echoed all around, and I spun, my (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.4 stars on Amazon. The voice and writing are clear and strong in these opening lines. And there are plenty of story questions raised. That there is a trap and a monster coming does a fine job of signaling jeopardy ahead, and we know there’s danger to her because she’s carrying a dagger. Seems worth a page-turn to me. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 218: Richard Perry—pretty much tension-free

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Chromed: Upgrade. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Never go off the grid. That was the rule. It kept Mason alive. If you had to, make sure you had a weapon and backup. Apsel’s reach stopped where link coverage ebbed away to a gritty residue.

Mason had a weapon, but backup was a long ride away. You’re fifty percent there. Stop complaining. Get inside.

Seconds was the kind of bar nobody would go twice. An old chipped door, the auto sensor broken, the sliders sticky with beer or blood. Mason shouldered it aside. The interior felt warm. Humidity stuck like a bad odor to the air. In its better days, it would have hosted over a hundred, the pump and beat of music making their own statement.

Today, fewer than a dozen people were nursing drinks, telling themselves the usual lies. He eyed a woman by the bar, working what magic she had left on a john, her use-by date well passed. The john looked no better, a long, stringy guy with fewer teeth than he’d been born with.

Neither were worth credits or paperwork.

He wasn’t here for hookers or their clients. Mason was here for the promise of a lead. Most people would call it a rumor, but he’d spent enough time off-grid to know where truth lay among the grime.

Mason’s optics scanned the bar, picking out the mods. Seconds wasn’t the kind of place (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.5 stars on Amazon. For me, way too much time spent on setting and too little on story, especially in the troubles-for-the-protagonist department. How important is it to the story that a guy in the bar has lost some teeth? And then there’s a sentence that just doesn’t make sense because there’s no context:

Neither were worth credits or paperwork.

If we knew this character was a cop or something like that, it could make sense. But we don’t know what he is, so it’s a waste of words. Pass. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 217: Quinn Loftis—character & Viking world appeal

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the Prologue of The Viking’s Chosen. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

The hand fell to the ground with an audible thud, accompanied by a scream from its previous owner. Hager was the third man to lose a limb or appendage in a fortnight. Such a staggering casualty of limbs was understandable during war time, but the Hakon clan—my clan—was between raids. Instead of spending this brief respite of peace at home with his loving wife or in the alehouse guzzling his weight in mead, Hager was now lying on the ground, writhing in agony.

I turned away from the bleeding man. The blood didn’t bother me, of course. I’d seen much worse on the battlefield. Neither did the brutality of the punishment, which I had been tasked with administering. I was sick and tired of seeing my countrymen—fine warriors and assets to our clan—punished so severely based upon the word of one soldier. Wasn’t a man supposed to have a say in his own defense? Didn’t he have a right to confront his accuser or see the evidence presented against him before judgement was passed?

But Jarl Magnus gave his clansmen no such chances. The jarl commanded absolute obedience, and anyone suspected of being less than completely loyal was dealt with swiftly and severely.

I had been the jarl’s hersir—chief general—for a mere three months and I’d already severed a dozen limbs at his command. I’d crippled a dozen men, so they could wield neither (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.3 stars on Amazon. The writing and voice are good (though I’d sure cut “audible” from that first sentence). It would have been good to see a little more of the scene, but the action is certainly provocative. This page serves to introduce us to an interesting and likable character. We see a side of his moral code that we can agree with, a desire for fairness and justice. At the same time, we see a hardened side of him, callouses over his emotions. Will there sometime be conflict between these aspects of him? I suspect so. There’s no threat to this character other than that, so no strong “what happens” story questions are raised.

On the other hand, this story takes place in Viking times, and that promises a narrative that explores a time and culture that are foreign to me. So, combining that with the character’s characteristics, I’d give this a page turn—but be careful, author. This seems to be heading for backstory and exposition. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 216: Al Stevens—wise-guy fun and trouble ahead

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the Prologue of Interest. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

On the afternoon when all this trouble started, I was sitting alone in my office, reading the newspaper, and waiting for cocktail hour. Or daylight savings time, whichever came first. A half-empty fifth of cheap bourbon beckoned from my desk drawer, and I tried with good intentions to ignore its call. But when there’s no work for a private investigator and no woman in his life, drinking is what’s left. Come to think of it, it’s also what’s left when you’re busy and getting laid.

“A client?” I said to no one at all.

A client was just what the bill collector ordered. Business had slowed to a crawl. Blame it on the economy. People were staying married, in jail, at home, or some combination of the three. Times were tough.

I looked at my Mickey Mouse wristwatch. Don’t laugh. It’s all I got in the divorce. It was a few minutes past four, and Willa had gone home. I was about to get up and go greet the visitor when the door to my office opened. André the Giant stood in the doorway.

He hadn’t knocked. Good thing I wasn’t doing the bottle, scratching my nuts, or anything else private.

The light was directly behind him, and his height, broad shoulders, Al Capone fedora, (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.3 stars on Amazon. The voice is the first thing that spoke to me, that hard-boiled wise-guy detective voice. It promises fun, and these days who doesn’t need fun? There’s no direct jeopardy here, but having a giant in your office, complete with mob trappings, suggests there’s trouble ahead. So does the opening line teaser, as well. Since we’re promised trouble, the voice is fun, and the writing solid, it seemed to me worth a page turn to see if it lives up to its promise. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 215: Andrew Updegrove—all setup fails to engage this reader

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the Prologue of Interest. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

Late In The afternoon of a gray day in December, a panel truck pulled up to the gate of a warehouse complex in a run-down section of Richmond, Virginia. Rolling down his window, Jack Davis punched a code into the control box, and the gate clanked slowly out of the way. Once inside, he wheeled the truck around and backed it up against a loading dock as the gate closed behind him.

After unlocking and raising the loading dock door, Davis threw a light switch, revealing long rows of pallets, each stacked eight feet high with boxes of paper plates, cups and towels. He closed and locked the door, and stamped on the brake release pedal of a hydraulic lifter parked against the wall. Counting to himself, he pushed the lifter along the wall of pallets. When he reached row nineteen, he turned the lifter and maneuvered its long tines under the pallet. Raising it a few inches, he backed up until he could swing the pallet through 180 degrees. Then he pulled it behind him until it was back exactly where it had been before.

Davis had plenty of room to work, because where the pallet in the second row should have been, there was only a large metal plate set in the floor. Near the edge was a small hinged panel, which he unlocked with a key to expose a biometric security pad.

When Davis pressed his thumb against it, he heard a familiar click. Stepping back, he watched as the plate swung slowly upwards, followed by the telescoping ends of a ladder (snip))

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.5 stars on Amazon. The writing is certainly competent, though the omniscient point of view is on the dry side. Though the author took care with staging the operation of a forklift (I assume that’s what’s meant by “hydraulic lifter”), I wonder if the staging works. This is the kind of thing the editor in me notices.

He lifts the pallet, backs up, turns 180 degrees, backs up and puts the pallet back in its original place. Fine. But then the forklift has to be sitting on top of the metal plate in the floor. So how does it swing upwards with the forklift on it?

All that’s neither here nor there if there isn’t a viable story question to get me to move on. Frankly, the driving of a truck and the operation of a forklift did not create the slightest bit of tension in me. Absent that, why turn the page?

One other little glitch: chapter 1 begins with "The next morning . . ." Wait. There was a prologue, which is supposed to be separate from the narrative. Seems to me the prologue should have been chapter 1. This is a sign of carelessness that foreshadows more of the same later on. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 214: Kevin Gaughen—strong hook gives disagreeable character room to change

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Interest. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

“Shit’s getting dangerous,” Len said, watching the White House burn on national television.

“First the FBI building, then the CIA, now this. What do you think it means?” Stewart, one of Len’s coworkers and a frail man to begin with, was looking especially wan.

“It means we need to drink more.” Len lit a cigarette.

“Have they issued a statement?”

“From where, the Brady Press Room? It’s on fire.”

“Jesus. I wonder if the president survived.”

“Who cares?” The words and spontaneous laughter escaped before Len could check himself.

Len’s editor shot him a nasty look. “Len, what’s wrong with you? People are dead. There’s chaos in the streets. And why are you smoking in the office?”

“Sorry, Jack. I’m a little out of it. Haven’t been sleeping well.”

Rather than putting it out, Len decided to finish his cigarette outside. He walked through the building and out to the street. To hell with work today, he thought while standing there at the curb. In fact, to hell with everything. It was noon; time for a burrito.

Len walked past closed shops and demonstrators. Each passing day seemed to bring the (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.3 stars on Amazon. Well, this starts out with a strong hook—the White House burning? And then they don’t know if the president is alive? I would have liked the scene to be set a little better—for example, is this a newspaper office or a tv news studio?

The narrative also does an interesting job of introducing a protagonist that we don’t care much for at the beginning. However, with the nature of the external trouble so strong and clear, I think we can assume that this character has some changing to do. But we’d better get on to more story as soon as we can. I’d give the first pages a look. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 212: Jon Mills—backstory and craft issues

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of The Debt Collector. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

RIKERS PRISON WAS HELL on an island. Jack paced back and forth in his cell for hours that morning. After four years, he felt more uncomfortable this day than he had when he first arrived.

The last year in and out of solitary confinement for fighting had only made it worse. Twenty-three hours holed up in a six by eight cell, surrounded by nothing more than cinder blocks, a bunk, a sink and a toilet; changed a man. It was known to break even the toughest, to push anyone to their mental limits and beyond. The men referred to it as “the box,” and even that didn’t quite describe the claustrophobic feeling you felt. The thought of never getting out haunted him daily.

Today was no different. There was always doubt eating away at the back of his mind. He’d seen men’s wills get thrown to the curb minutes before they saw the outside.

Now, however, as the familiar sound of steel toe boots striking against the steely catwalk approached his door, it brought a welcome relief. The twist of the key in the lock and the clanging of the metal flap had become a part of his daily routine.

This morning, though, was different. It would be the last time he would hear it. Between the small mesh window he saw two new prison guards. The faces changed frequently; not because of shift rotation, but because few lasted beyond a couple of months in this place. He (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.3 stars on Amazon. There’s nothing as gripping as starting out with backstory and setup, right? Who cares what solitary does to men in general? Who cares what his routine is?

There are craft issues here, too. What does this mean: men’s wills get thrown to the curb minutes before they saw the outside. How do wills get thrown to the curb, and why minutes before seeing the outside? How can he see two guards between a mesh window? Doesn’t make sense. There’s not much in the way of story questions here, and this is, so far, a good day for this guy—it looks like he’s getting out of prison. No turn of the page here. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1097 for Max — clarity issues stall the narrative

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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Max sends a rewrite of the first chapter for The Vulture. The rest of the narrative is after the break.

The happiest endings make for the worst beginnings. The gleam in Sarah’s and Victoria’s eyes were picture perfect as Theo and his best friend Luke waved goodbye to them. The sisters’ mom put the car in gear, and the glossy blue Mercedes pulled out of their driveway.

“Dude.” Theo bumps fists with Luke. “Let’s do this thing.”

Luke affected a baritone, about as low as he could go. “I’ve waited all year for this trip.”

Neither looked both ways before crossing the street to get in Theo’s freshly fixed junker. Sarah and Victoria brought their dad’s mechanic tools, Theo got a job at the local junkyard for parts, and Luke provided the garage for them to do the repairs. Four best friends, one car.

“Too bad the girls aren’t coming.”

Luke sighed first. “It’s easier this way.”

The corners of Theo’s lips twitched, he refused to frown. “None of us talked about it.”

He meant the cancer, but Luke didn’t talk about that. In fact, his friend still hadn’t verbally acknowledged his health. The doctors were idiots, nosebleeds so often meant cancer or something dire.

“With Sarah at her internship in Oak Bay and V-Victoria dating Ramsay…” Luke looked out the window, unable to finish the sentence.

“When are you going to tell Victoria that you love her?”

The original opening was a dream sequence, frequently not a best practice. This opening avoids the dream issue, but for me there were clarity problems.

For example, the first sentence about endings and beginnings. How can the nature of an ending lead to the nature of a beginning? If this were “The worst beginnings make for the happiest endings.” I would totally understand that. I guess it's a statement of theme, but it's still "telling" and I'd rather start with story.

I also couldn’t parse the statement that: “The doctors were idiots, nosebleeds so often meant cancer or something dire.” I've thought about it, and haven't been able to untangle it.

I also didn’t understand why it being easier that the girls weren’t coming for ride in a car led to thoughts about his friend's cancer.

For me, this narrative feels disjointed in the way it switches direction suddenly and frequently. I think this needs to settle down to a solid scene of something happening that leads to or causes a problem for a character. The first part about the car is setup that doesn’t seem to have anything to do with what happens later, so the story could be gotten to earlier if that goes. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2019 by Max.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 211: Mitty Walters—setup drains the tension

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Breaking Gravity. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

The first time I broke the sound barrier, the accident was so startling that an image was seared into my mind: I was looking up from the ground, still seated in the chair that had toppled over; papers were floating in the air; my laptop was mid-flight, about to skitter across the floor; and globs of soda were frozen in space as they rained down from the ceiling.

CRACK!

The sound was the same as a whip’s, only magnified a hundred times.

I lay there in stunned silence, ears ringing, long after the papers had fluttered to the ground. Coca-Cola was splattered all over the walls of the tiny break room.

It was after midnight. I had come into the office late to do an “urgent” repair on a computer for my boss. This job was a part-time, off-hours gig for me, and Tim had given me keys long ago so I could come and go as I pleased. On this particular night, I had decided to work in the break room so I could spread my books out on the empty table and study during down time.

It had taken me a couple of hours of wrestling with the disabled computer, but I’d finally gotten it working again. I’d filled out the paperwork and returned the computer to the shop. Then, as I gathered up my tools, I must have caused the can of Coke to explode somehow.

At least, that’s what I initially thought—that the can had exploded. But as I lay there on (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.

This received 4.3 stars on Amazon. The writing and voice are fine, and the opening paragraph offers a good tease that raises a question: how did he crack the sound barrier when apparently in a room, not a jet?

But then we venture into setup, which unfortunately short-changes the reader. While the opening paragraph is interesting, for me it didn’t reach the level of compelling. And I didn’t care much about his working late. All that setup slowed pace and drained tension. I think the author should have cut out most of the setup so the following could appear on the first page:

my attention was drawn to a slow but steady drip coming from a joist in the ceiling. It was the remains of my soda can, embedded in a heavy wood beam that ran across the center of the room.

Now you’ve got my interest. The can is imbedded in a beam? How? Why? What does it mean? What will happen next? So this would have gotten an “almost” from me if that was a voting choice. But that’s still a “no.” Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 210: Scott Blade—intriguing setup earns a turn

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of Chapter 1 of Once Quiet. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?

THE FOUR WATCHERS WERE ONLY supposed to watch, not intervene, not interfere—no matter what. They were told this, ordered this. They were only supposed to take notes and observe and record and remember, for their client, who had convinced them that she was an officer of the law. After all, she had a badge, an important one, too. It was an accredited shield of justice, a silver badge in a formal leather case, like in the movies.

It looked real enough.

They had been following her instructions for the last ten days without deviation. Even though they were told only to observe, they were used to having more than just field glasses with them. They had expected more. An agent of such a top-shelf investigative organization would certainly have access to a big budget. But that’s all they were given: a pair of field glasses, a phone number—her personal cell, and an address of the family that they were to watch.

The fact that she hadn’t given them a budget and the fact that she was using them in the first place indicated that the whole operation wasn’t legal, which was fine by them. They weren’t fans of the law anyhow, but they respected her motives. Family is family. They got that because they were family.

Also, they respected the dollar amount that she offered to pay them for their assistance.

The field glasses had been mailed to them from the internet. That’s why they had to (snip)

You can turn the page and read more here. NOTE: you can read the first chapter for free, but the book is free only to Kindle Unlimited subscribers. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow. 

This received 4.7 stars on Amazon. The omniscient voice used here doesn’t immerse us in a character’s story, but the scenario is intriguing. The language in the first paragraph nicely foreshadows that things are going to change in an unintended direction—“were told,” “only supposed to.” We know that the four are going to do more. On the next page we learn that they are armed with a sniper rifle and handguns. For my money, I’d have worked to get that on the first page because once you know that it’s clear that there’s shootin’ ahead. I thought this was worth a look. Your thoughts?

My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.