I came across an article on Literary Hub titled "Here Are the Biggest Fiction Bestsellers of the Last 100 Years." Interestingly, sometimes the book that was the bestseller for that year is not the one that is still remembered. Check it out here. The artwork is from the article.
Flogometer 1076 for Leslie—are you compelled to turn the page?
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Leslie sends the first chapter of Flying Solo. The rest of the chapter follows the break.
At this very moment, all over the world, someone is taking a lover, having an affair. Someone is cheating or being cheated on. Someone is lying to a spouse. Someone is walking out on a relationship. Today, I’ll join that loathsome club.
Waking early was a struggle, a cowardly way to leave. To call it quits and skulk away from Sloane while he slept. I knew the distance separating me from my husband would never again be measured in inches. It would be in miles. The sun rising over the Thames would be my only witness.
A faint sound, like the squeaky prayer of a mouse caught in a trap, slipped from my lips as I wrapped my chenille robe around me to ward off the London chill and tip-toed toward the bedroom door.
The rasp of Sloane’s whiskey-laced breathing, rhythmic as a metronome, edged under the frame and faded as I felt my way through familiar spaces toward our guest suite. Nightlights cast tiny white halos on the speckled marble, cold to my bare feet.
I turned on the dresser lamp and leaned toward the merciless mirror to see eyes swollen with pillows of angry tears. Tears that had refused to fall yesterday when I heard the news. The news that galvanized my decision to end my marriage.
I bridled at the memory and closed my lids, trying to bring down the shutters on my life, (snip)
Once I got past the first italicized paragraph, I was interested. I think the strongest opening is the first sentence of the second paragraph, and I’d delete the musing that starts—and threatens to stall—the opening narrative. The rest of the page brings up viable story questions. Will she be caught sneaking out? Since he’s a drinker, will he hurt her if he wakes up and catches her? What will happen next.
There is a signal that a flashback is coming, and it is, but this is one of the good kind, the kind that enhances and deepens your understanding of what’s going on. And it’s mercifully short. I thought there were some issues later in the chapter, but this opening page, minus the first paragraph, worked for me. Your thoughts?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Kathy.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Continue reading "Flogometer 1076 for Leslie—are you compelled to turn the page?" »
Flog a BookBubber 185: Ben Rehder—creepy character, but good story question
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of Gone the Next. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
The woman he was watching this time was in her early thirties. Thirty-five at the oldest. White. Well dressed. Upper middle class. Reasonably attractive. Probably drove a nice car, like a Lexus or a BMW. She was shopping at Nordstrom in Barton Creek Square mall. Her daughter — Alexis, if he’d overheard the name correctly — appeared to be about seven years old. Brown hair, like her mother’s. The same cute nose. They were in the women’s clothing department, looking at swimsuits. Alexis was bored. Fidgety. Ready to go to McDonald’s, like Mom had promised. Amazing what you can hear if you keep your ears open.
He was across the aisle, in the men’s department, looking at Hawaiian shirts. They were all ugly, and he had no intention of buying one. He stood on the far side of the rack and held up a green shirt with palm trees on it. But he was really looking past it, at the woman, who had several one-piece swimsuits draped over her arm. Not bikinis, though she still had the figure for it. Maybe she had stretch marks, or the beginnings of a belly.
He replaced the green shirt and grabbed a blue one covered with coconuts. Just browsing, like a regular shopper might do.
Mom was walking over to a changing room now. Alexis followed, walking stiff-legged, maybe pretending she was a monster. A zombie. Amusing herself.
He moved closer, to a table piled high with neatly folded cargo shorts. He pretended to look for a (snip)
You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This received 4.5 stars on Amazon. This opening is straightforward, rendered in good writing. We’re in the pov of a creepy guy, and I wish we weren’t. For my money, I’ve come to dislike openings that start with the killer/creepy/nasty character. Nor do I think it’s really necessary. That can all come later, when he strikes.
Still, I couldn’t help but want to know what happens next, if the little girl will be okay. So I gave it a turn. Your thoughts?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Flogometer 1075 for Eoghan—are you compelled to turn the page?
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Eoghan sends the first chapter of Hiding in Plain Sight. The rest of the chapter follows the break.
Just before afternoon coffee break, the art dealer decided to kill Roberta Lord.
Compressing a tennis ball, he gazed out of the corner office window, watching another heavy snow shower blanket the area between Harbour Street and Market Square. Snow was a natural enemy; it meant tracks and traces, but with more prolonged showers forecast for tonight, it would hide footprints and allow him to slip away unseen.
He’d observed her at a gallery, and sidled up close to catch her scent, eavesdropping long enough to learn the basics: a single mother and artist, employed part-time in a café, struggling to stretch her income. He overheard her ask where she could find a secondhand copy of a particular book, and later, he’d smelled her insecurity as she paused at a display, giving him a glance and a quick smile.
No conversation. No phone number exchange. No swapped business cards.
He’d taken the volume Roberta was looking for from his own library, and kept it in his briefcase; an alibi, if needed.
He sat back and closed his eyes. Yes. In a few hours, Roberta Lord would die. He willed his body to start triggering that intense, powerful hormonal surge he’d been rewarded with before, swelling and gushing like waves, followed by blessed peace of mind, and…
A desk phone rang, interrupting his reverie. ‘Yes?’
So this first page (and chapter) start out in the creepy point of view of the bad guy. If you read the chapter, you’ll see him murder and be unsatisfied, which motivates him to think about trying something new for his next killing. You’ll get his thoughts on what the next victim needs to be like for his “hunt.”
As it is, I have to say that this opening page definitely contains a strong “what will happen next” story question. From that purely technical point of view, it passes the test. However . . .
I urge the writer to take a look at beginning the story with the protagonist. All the first chapter does is introduce the sadistic, psychopathic nature of the villain. You can do that when he first moves to get our protagonist. This opening chapter, for me, ended up being quite a downer. I really don’t need the bad taste in my mind. I know that the chapter sets up serious trouble to come for the protagonist, but can’t that happen when the struggle is joined? Your thoughts?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Kathy.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Continue reading "Flogometer 1075 for Eoghan—are you compelled to turn the page?" »
Flog a BookBubber 184: Cheryl Bradshaw—ghost story gives up ghost on first page
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of a science fiction novel Grayson Manor Haunting. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
Addison Lockhart watched the cab dart back down the dead-end country road, leaving nothing but a billowy dust cloud in its wake. She squeezed her eyes shut, taking a deep breath before spinning around on the heel of her boot. When her eyes reopened, she wasn’t prepared for the image before her.
You’re here now. You can do this. No more steps back. No more past. And no more death. Only life. Your life. It’s time to move forward.
The house was much older than she thought it would be. It was dingy and needed work—a lot of it. Several of the wood shingles were missing from the exterior. A piece of railing on the left side of the porch had been partially ripped off, its jagged pieces forming splinter-worthy spikes. Even so, there was a sense of grandeur behind the tattered facade—something regal in the architectural beauty of the domed turret and multi-gabled, steep-pitched roof. Even with all of its flaws, none of the windows on the house were broken, not even the magnificent stained-glass one in the center of the top floor.
The property surrounding the Queen Anne-style house was heavily wooded, its thick, mature trees stretching over the back of the mountainside. Addison stood silent and still, taking it all in, hoping she’d made the right decision in coming here. An owl sounded in the distance, making her aware of his presence. She glanced into the trees, knowing he could see her, even (snip)
You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This received 4.4 stars on Amazon. Sometimes I’m in the mood for a good ghost story, so I thought I’d give this one a look. At first glance, the writing seems okay, though the storytelling needs some adrenaline. What’s happening here? A woman gets out of a cab and looks at an old house, noting its disrepair. So what’s the story question? What happens next, going to a Home Depot for some paint?
Then you look at the narrative. There’s a big hole in the opening paragraph for me. The woman arrives at a place in a cab, gets out of the cab, closes her eyes and turns around, then opens them and sees the house for the first time? Really? Wasn’t she looking out of the cab when it drove up the road? When it pulled up in front of the house? I sure would have been. It doesn’t make sense that she would not have seen the house before getting out of the cab. This writer is not paying attention, a bad sign.
And there’s overwriting. To my eye, this needs editing. For example, the third paragraph:
The house was much older than she thought it would be. It was dingy and needed work—a lot of it. Several of the w Wood shingles were missing from the exterior. A piece of porch railing on the left side of the porch had been partially ripped off, its jagged pieces forming splinter-worthy spikes. Even so, there was a sense of grandeur behind the tattered facade—something regal in the architectural beauty of the domed turret and multi-gabled, steep-pitched roof. Even with all of Despite its flaws, none of the windows on the house were broken, not even the magnificent stained-glass one beauty in the center of the top floor. “Several” is vague, not needed. Giving left and right side is useless and not needed. Changed “Even with” phrase to avoid echo of “Even” in the preceding sentence. Changed awkward “one” referring to the window to “beautry” go enhance the description.
Your thoughts?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Flogometer 1074 for Kathy—are you compelled to turn the page?
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Kathy sends the first chapter of what I think is a dystopian novel—didn’t get the title. The rest of the chapter follows the break.
I killed my best friend this morning at dawn—if killing is putting a pillow over a person’s face until he stops breathing then this is what I did.
It is only now I write the words on the page that it sinks in I have committed a murder. A crime. Not so very long ago a police detective would’ve been knocking on my door asking questions, requesting an autopsy, and I would’ve been led away in handcuffs. I almost find the fact that isn’t going to happen more shocking than what I did. I am sorry to have to tell you I am capable of murder. But I want you to have some background, some history—although that is such a dry word—and Christopher’s death seems as good a point as any to start.
If he hadn’t been unconscious I could never have done it, though he begged me enough to do so before his mind began to wander. I am not heartless, only practical in the company of the hooded man with the sickle, who had waited on the sidelines for days. And how do you like your blue-eyed boy Mister Death?
Practical because I used a pillow.
His being comatose helped, but only a little, because I still feel—
I can’t describe how I feel. Awful seems too small a word, too meagre an offering. He was everything to me. Everything. My beginning, my middle and my end. My sunrise and (snip)
This is one of those openings that, for me, succeeds even though it doesn’t conform to my guidelines for a first page, proving once again that, in fiction, there are no rules. I have noticed that openings that do manage to do this and earn a page-turn are often in first person. A strong voice can trump missing elements that are ordinarily needed.
For example, setting the scene. By implication, we understand that this is likely indoors, in a place where there can be paper and pencil and probably a table or surface to write on. A room of some kind. And, for the purposes of this opening, that seems to be enough. More of the physical world is revealed later, and the story questions that I see are strong enough to let things unfold at their own pace.
This starts out with a very strong hook, and then the voice draws us in. Story questions arise, some obvious, some less so. We have a hint of why she (I think it’s a she, and that seems to be the case as revealed later) did the deed, but not complete info. It seems to be a mercy killing, and that separates it from actual murder, I think. Although she does feel badly, guilty in a way, but justified. Other questions about this world rise. Why are detectives investigating a death a thing of the past? And there’s a good “what happens to this person next” story question, too. I turned the page. Your thoughts?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Kathy.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Continue reading "Flogometer 1074 for Kathy—are you compelled to turn the page?" »
Flogometer 1073 for Bob—are you compelled to turn the page?
Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.
The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.
Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.
What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.
Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.
Bob sends the prologue and first chapter of Freefall. The rest of the chapter follows the break.
Prologue
Hear now the tale of a hero who rose above the fate assigned him, slew a monster, freed a city and, despite acts that outraged gods and men, persevered beyond tragedy to redeem himself.
His tale unfolds three centuries before Agamemnon left Troy in flames; seven-hundred fifty years before Homer sang The Odyssey, and more than a thousand years before Pericles raised the Parthenon to Athena’s glory. Thirty-five centuries separate today from this time.
Songs and stories taunt mortal understanding of this time. Outlines of structures thrown down, potshards, and marble figures whisper unanswered questions about this age. The gods of this time are long forgotten, so we, the Olympians of the Golden Age, serve in their stead.
What mortals remember of this time, they call myths, tales which hold at their heart an important truth. While such truth may be a historic event or a real person, the truth at the heart of myth may just as likely explain a phenomenon like the cycle of the seasons, illustrate an ideal like selfless friendship, or celebrate a virtue like justice.
Anything that is engaging enough in its time may produce a story but a story that resonates with human aspiration down the ages is elevated to myth. To accommodate passage through the ages, parts of a myth may be lost, others twisted, and their truth obscured.
This tale restores such a myth, only fragments of which have survived, and those so twisted by time that its truth is unrecognizable.
Chapter 1
Amenos, whose name means long-awaited, was fascinated, as a boy of twelve must be, by the frozen expression on the face of the head hanging in the agora. Thoughts and emotions chased one another across his brow.
“Why did they cut off his head?” He asked.
“Lawless men attacked Koristophon’s farm. Four of the King’s Companions recovered the sheep and brought the thieves’ heads to hang in public places to remind all to respect the rights of Corinth’s citizens,” I explained. It seemed to satisfy him.
Later, at lessons, he asked to hear more about Theseus, the young king of Athens, who toppled Minoan control of the seaways, cleared the highways of predators, and established the institution of hospitality improving quality of life for all.
“What must I do to become a great king like Theseus?” he asked.
“Pay attention; learn what the world can teach you,” I told him. He expected heroics.
“Is that all?” he asked.
“It will do for now,” I told him; knowing it would not satisfy him.
An injury at birth left him with a swollen right ankle. Unable to walk any distance even at his ninth name day, his battle, first to walk and then to run, developed both his legs and his character.
If you think about it, the first sentence in the prologue sort of eliminates the need to read further because it summarizes the story and tells us that the character redeems himself in the end. I guess you could say that there’s a story question regarding how he managed to do that, and that might work . . . if we were shown a character to care about. But instead we get information regarding myths.
In Chapter 1 we do have people, including a child with a disability, most certainly a sympathetic character. But we learn that he has battled his condition and has, to some extent, overcome it. The narrator, not the boy, doesn’t have a problem or even a hint of something going wrong for either him or the boy that he has to deal with. So . . . story questions? Tension? Not for or in this reader. I think the story really starts after this chapter if, that is, something challenges the boy during the hunt. The prologue and this chapter are setup, not story.
The writing is good and the world is interesting, and I'd sure like to see them applied to making something happen. Your thoughts?
For what it’s worth.
Ray
Submitting to the Flogometer:
Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):
- your title
- your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
- Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ. Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
- Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
- And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
- If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
- If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.
Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.
Flogging the Quill © 2018 Ray Rhamey, chapter © 2018 by Ken.
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Continue reading "Flogometer 1073 for Bob—are you compelled to turn the page?" »
Flog a BookBubber 183: Pippa DaCosta—strong voice, good hooks earn a page-turn
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of a science fiction novel, Betrayal. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
“You killed him?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
Because it felt good. Because he deserved it. Because I wanted to. None of those answers would satisfy Doctor Leanne Grossman. “Because I follow orders.” My voice sounded tedious, exactly like the voices of my 1000 brothers and sisters.
“Whose orders?” she asked. Her heartbeat gave her away. The heart betrays. Yours, I answered inside. Yours, yours, yours, yours. The words pushed forward, up my throat, and over my tongue, but even as I parted my lips to speak, protocols shut the truth away.
Grossman smiled in that sharp, closed way of hers. She had smiled like that when she’d ordered me to kill a man. She’d smiled like that when she’d bypassed my failsafe. I didn’t know whether I should thank her for freeing me or hate her for it. Hate. Yes. That was the right word, the right label for the burn devouring my thoughts.
My fingers flexed on the arms of the chair, just a twitch, but I didn’t recall sending the pulse ordering them to do so. Grossman’s pale blue gaze flicked to my hand. She’d noticed the movement too. Her heart fluttered. Diagnostics told me her body temperature had spiked. Beads of sweat glistened above her top lip. When her gaze met mine, her sharp smile dulled.
You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This received 4.1 stars on Amazon. The opening dialogue, even though we don’t know who is talking, is a strong hook. Anytime people talk about killing would be, I guess. The narrative goes on to introduce an offbeat protagonist through her thoughts and reactions to the person interviewing her. There’s something not-human about how she thinks, and that poses questions such as what is she? A killer, we know that, but the subtext here says there’s more to it. With strong writing and a strong voice, this opening page promises a story well told. We’ll see if it lives up to that, but I found this opening and character intriguing. Your thoughts?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
Flog a BookBubber 182: Angela Roquet—onslaught of backstory a deterrent
Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment.
Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.
When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.
Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”
A First-page Checklist
- It begins to engage the reader with the character
- Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
- The character desires something.
- The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
- There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
- It happens in the NOW of the story.
- Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
- The one thing it must do: raise a story question.
Next are the first 17 manuscript lines of the first chapter of an urban fantasy novel Blood Vice. A poll and the opening page of the first chapter follow. Should this author have hired an editor?
AS I LAY DYING ON THE floor of an abandoned warehouse basement in the bowels of St. Louis, I couldn’t help but question every choice I’d ever made. Which one of them had led to this moment? Was it just one? Maybe my entire life had been one poor decision after another. That seemed the most likely answer as I stared into the vacant eyes of my partner sprawled out on the concrete not ten feet away.
Will Banks had definitely drawn the short straw when it came to being paired with me. At the time, it had seemed like divine intervention. His partner was transferring to a PD down in Florida, and I was finally getting the promotion I’d had my sights set on since day one. Will had been my mother’s partner ten years ago. Being paired with him felt like an omen from the universe. Like a sign from my mom even, that everything was unfolding as it should.
What a joke.
I thought of Will’s wife and daughter. He’d bragged about Serena to me just that morning, about the big scholarship she’d been awarded to go into the engineering program at MU. I could remember babysitting Serena the summer Will and Alicia had moved to St. Louis. I’d been sixteen, and she had just turned five. She was all bubblegum cheeks and beaded cornrows, full of exciting facts from her family’s recent trip to the Gateway Arch. That was twelve years ago. Had so much time really passed? I was finally able to think of something (snip)
You can turn the page and read more here. Did this writer need an editor? My notes and a poll follow.
This received 4.4 stars on Amazon. You ready for a vampire detective who is a kickass woman? Why not? The opening line gives us a strong hook with good story questions—what happened? What’s going to happen next? It delivers a character in deep peril from the beginning. So far so good.
Then the second paragraph shifts to backstory. It’s interesting enough, and I’m willing to swallow it. But then we go into deeper backstory and ignore the problem the character has. For me, this is a turn-off. Because of the hook, I may turn the page, but I’ll resent it, and the author had darn well deliver some story soon. Of course I looked ahead, and there are good places to move this backstory to once the actual story is up to a good start. Your thoughts?
My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.
Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling
Fantasy (satire) The Vampire Kitty-cat Chronicles
Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy
Science Fiction Hiding Magic
Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.
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