Flogging the Quill

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 399-Byrony Pearce—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the prologue of Little Rumours. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Joe

The ghost was chasing Scooby down the hall when the screen flickered and went dark.

Joe sat for a moment staring into the black, then leaped to his feet.

‘Daddy!’ There was no answer. He fidgeted, first on one foot, then the other. ‘Mummy?’ He knew she wouldn’t answer him though – she was at her Saturday morning running club.

He glanced at the window. Daddy was in the garden somewhere. But he, Joe, wasn’t allowed to move from his spot in front of the TV. This was what Daddy always said on a Saturday – ‘Sit down, Sport, right here, and watch your cartoons until Mummy gets back. Don’t move from this spot … or there’ll be trouble!’

He didn’t want there to be trouble. Being in trouble was bad. But if he could no longer watch cartoons, then he couldn’t watch cartoons ‘from this spot’. That meant he could move, didn’t it? He practically had to. With one eye on the window, to make sure he wasn’t seen, he took a careful step forward. There was no-one watching. He took another step, grabbed the remote and jumped back.

He pressed the power button, but nothing happened. Surely Daddy wouldn’t mind if Joe went to find him? He’d come in, fix the TV, and then Joe could find out who the ghost of Rufus Raucous was.

You can read more here. This earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. For me, this is an interesting prologue. While there is no expressed jeopardy for the character and his only problem is that the TV stopped working, anyone who has read a few novels will sense an underlying tension. You just know that there’s trouble ahead for this child. The question is, is what might be coming enough to earn a page turn? I’d give it one more page to see if there’s something of interest going on, but not much more. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 398-Briget E. Baker—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the prologue of Anchored, an urban fantasy. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

The human brain interprets an image in thirteen milliseconds. At any given time, more than a hundred billion neurons are firing in the gray matter of an average kid. I learned that on my very last day of school.

The day before I escaped.

In spite of all those speedy, hard-working neurons, humans frequently make very poor split-second decisions. I’m kind of the expert on the consequences of bad calls.

If the semi-truck driver had serviced his brakes properly, my parents might still be alive. If I’d just lied about my bizarre dreams of Terra, Aunt Trina might not have surrendered us to the state. If I’d dealt with things better at the group home, well. There probably isn’t any reality where that would have happened. But if I hadn’t freaked out and screamed at my caseworker when he suggested separating me from my big brother Jesse, he might never have fixated on me.

If so many tiny details in my life had played out just a smidge better, someone else could be stuck making this decision instead of me. Someone else could be responsible for saving the world, and that would probably be way better for, well, for everyone.

Because if I'm being honest, I'm not sure the world deserves to be saved.

You can read more here. This earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. This is another good prologue, brief yet filled with story questions. The voice is inviting and the writing good. It raises good “what happens next” questions for me, and I want to know more about this character and if, how, and why she/he makes a decision to save the world. It would have been nice to know the gender, but I can wait to find out. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 397-Ramona Finn—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the prologue of The Culling, dystopian science fiction. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

Papa fell down and he didn’t stand up again.

I’d seen Papa jump the tallest fence in our colony. I’d seen Papa laugh and dance with Mama in the living room when I was supposed to be asleep. And I’d seen Papa run alongside me, so fast. But I’d never seen Papa fall down until that morning.

I puzzled it out as I sat with Mama in our front yard, one of my twin sisters on my lap. “But where did he go?” I asked her.

“I don’t know.” Her voice didn’t sound like Mama’s voice.

I looked at the place where he’d fallen. The red dirt was pushed around like something had been dragged through it. I tried to understand. “But those men took him somewhere.”

Mama stood up quickly then, one of the twins on her hip. “They took him away. With the rest of the culled, Glade.”

I frowned. I didn’t know what that meant. All the grownups had been talking about the Culling, but no one had told me what it was. And then Papa had fallen down. And hadn’t moved for hours. Mama had gone out to him. Just once. Just for a minute. She’d leaned down over him and shook and shook. It had looked like she was talking. But she hadn’t let me go outside. Not until men had come by on a truck and picked Papa up and driven him away.

“And he won’t come back?” It didn’t make any sense. Papa always came back. He was (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. This is one of those rare good prologues, one that is a scene that introduces a sympathetic character who has a problem. The child narrator doesn’t understand what the problem is, but readers see trouble ahead for her. Nicely done, IMO. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 396-Steph Mullin, Nicole Mabry—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening of When She Disappeared. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

~Fledgling hawks soar to peaking crests

Behind the canopy you’ll find your quest

Jump the path at Lightning Tree

Journey west to rocks stacked three

Travel along the whispering creek

Pass the falls for what you seek.

Hawks fly high for the final test

We’ll pass the torch at Senior Nest~

‘You don’t have to do this, Lenny. No one will give you a hard time if you jump from the lower rock. You’re one of our best football players; the team is screwed if you get hurt! They’ll understand.’

Lenny stood next to Farrah on the rocky ledge some thirty feet above the pool of water, its dark blue surface rippling tauntingly as the late-day sunlight bounced off it. His classmates were all in their underwear, but he couldn’t bring himself to remove his oversized t-shirt. He’d hit six foot seven that year and topped the scales at over three hundred pounds. Surrounded by his much shorter and smaller friends, his confidence waned, even with his popularity as the best defensive end in the state. But he refused to be left behind during this crucial moment. His class (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. This opening illustrates an issue I have with most prologues: they aren’t a story. What do I, and most readers, I believe, open the pages of a novel to fine? A story.

Here, they are greeted with a poem. Not story. True, the narrative quickly goes to a scene, and a character is worried . . . but it’s not much of a hook for me. If you must have a prologue, then make sure it raises strong story questions. If at all possible, have the character or characters in it relate to the first chapter (that doesn’t happen here, at least not at the beginning of the chapter). If you’re using a prologue in your WIP and it is not a strong scene with story questions, then I think you should be asking yourself why you’re using it. If it’s to set something up, maybe the time to do that is just before the event happens. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a $1.99 BookBubber 395-Elizabeth Little—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that are not free, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay for it on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening of Dear Daughter. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

From: CNN Breaking News <BreakingNews@mail.cnn.com>

Subject: CNN Breaking News

Date: Sept 17, 2013 10:43:01 AM EDT

To: textbreakingnews@ema3lsv06.turner.com

A California judge has overturned the first-degree murder conviction of Jane Jenkins as part of the ongoing investigation into the mismanagement of evidence by the Los Angeles County Crime Lab from 2001 to 2005.

Jenkins, 26, was convicted in 2003 of killing her mother, Swiss American socialite and philanthropist Marion Elsinger.

Jenkins made her first public appearance in ten years when she was escorted into this morning’s proceedings in Sacramento. Reporters were barred from the hearing.

Jenkins is scheduled to be released later today. When her lawyer, Noah Washington, was asked outside the courthouse about Jenkins’s plans for the future, he offered no comment.

CHAPTER ONE

As soon as they processed my release, Noah and I hit the ground running. A change of clothes. A wig. An inconspicuous sedan. We doubled back once, twice, then drove south when we were headed east. In San Francisco we had a girl who looked like me board a plane to Hawaii. Oh, I thought I was so clever.

You can read more here. This earned 3.6 stars on Amazon, but the info on the page lists a bunch of awards. I know the price is higher than what I traditionally look at, but I was interested.

The opening news report does a good job of setting things up and raising story question for me right away. Did she actually kill her mother? If not, who did? If so, why? Then the opening lines of the first chapter (the total of the introduction and the first chapter are only 16 lines) raises more story questions—why the ironic “I was so clever”? Nice foreshadowing of something going wrong. Worked for me. And I liked the character's voice. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 394-Lawrence Sanders—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening of McNally’s RIsk. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

Occasionally my behavior reminded me of that famous apothegm of the theatre: “Good acting demands absolute sincerity—and if you can fake that you’ve got it made.”

What brought on that introspective twitch was that at the moment I was perched on the edge of a lumpy armchair, leaning forward attentively, alert as a bird dog, exhibiting every evidence of sympathetic interest, including clucking—and bored out of my gourd.

I was listening to a lecture by Mrs. Gertrude Smythe-Hersforth, a large, imperious lady who may have been the best bridge player in the Town of Palm Beach, but whose

Mrs. Smythe-Hersforth was expounding on the importance of family tradition and bloodlines, and how in the current mongrelized (her word) Palm Beach society it was more important than ever that people of breeding circle the wagons to defend their world against the determ

ined assault of lesser beings, many of whom didn’t have a single hyphen to their name.

“After all, Archy,” quoth she, “one must have pride in one’s family.”

Don’t you just love it? This overstuffed matron was implying that if your name was Smith, DiCicco, or Rabinowitz, you were incapable of pride and probably bought your Jockey shorts at K-Mart. In Britain, family determines class. But in America, it’s money. I could have explained that to her, but what was the use?

You can read more here. This earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. Well, if professional writing and an inviting voice are enough to get you to turn a page, then this could work for you. On the other hand, if you’d like a story question—or even the hint of a story—then you’re disappointed. This author, the blurbs say, is a bestseller. I wished he had applied his talent to creating a story that started on the first page. Pass. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 393-Wendy Owens—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening of My Wife’s Secrets. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

My wife is being released from prison today. Correction, my ex-wife is being released today. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I know how I should feel. I'm married to someone else now, and we have a child. I know in my heart I shouldn't feel anything about today, but I can't seem to stop myself from being haunted by the life I had before this one.

Sometimes, there are moments when I forget the past few years, and I'll get excited that it's time to head home to Lizzy. The memories linger in my mind, and it feels like only yesterday when I would walk in the door and find her standing there to greet me. It wasn't yesterday, though. It might as well have been a lifetime ago. Even though Lizzy is being released, it doesn't change anything. My choices in the past wrecked so many lives, including my own. I can't do that again. I won't. My daughter deserves more than that.

"Nathan." Evelyn's voice breaks through my thoughts. "What are we going to do about Liz?"

My chest constricts when she says her name. I don't like the way it sounds when it leaves her lips. Maybe it's because it reminds me of the night Evelyn confessed to me that she visited my ex-wife in prison. Evelyn was worried I was angry with her, as though it was a betrayal for her to go see Liz. I couldn't tell her it wasn't anger I'd felt. It was sadness. I was sad that Evelyn saw Lizzy in prison before I did. I tried for so long to work up the courage to go, but I never did.

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. I found this opening to have several story questions that I’d like answered. First, there’s the story of Lizzie’s crime—who did she murder? What happened? How come she’s being released?

And then there are the what-happens-next questions: Is he going to reconnect with Lizzie? Will she try to come into their lives? What will her freedom do to this marriage, which doesn’t seem to have the protagonist’s strong commitment? And on. I’m interested, at least for another page or so. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a BookBubber 392-W.L. Liberman—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books from BookBub. The challenge is if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening of Looking for Henry Turner. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

Ying Hee Fong looked like an angel minus the wings. Whoever shot him did a good job. He couldn't have been deader if he'd lived then died again. Blood gushed from a jagged hole in his right temple, spilling into a sticky pool circling his head. He looked serene. Dark eyes stared into eternity, legs sprawled, arms thrown up over his shoulders. Just like a kid making angels in the snow. Except the snow melted, stripping bare the rotting garbage of a back alley in Chinatown.

Ying worked for John Fat Gai, a gambler and racketeer. John ran illegal poker games and craps in dingy rooms above chop suey joints and small food markets where, for a nickel, you could catch a disease and buy a rotting cabbage. Wherever you found a spare table, chairs, bootleg whiskey and suckers willing to throw their money away, the action never stopped. Ying dealt the cards, sometimes straight up. The dealers worked six shifts a week from 11 at night until six the following morning. They got Sundays off. None of them went to church. Like the others, Ying came off a boat owned by John who paid customs officials at Pier 21 in Halifax to look the other way. He arrived with a host of other bedraggled refugees toting a battered suitcase and not much else. His life and earnings belonged to John Fat Gai. Ying had made his deal but decided he couldn't live with it. We saw the result. John found out Ying had been skimming the pot. Ying went into hiding; an impossibility in a city where dirty money counted, information (snip)

 

You can read more here. This earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. The writing is solid and the voice inviting. And we start out with a body in an exotic location. At least it is to me—Chinatown is another universe, one that I know nothing about. So that adds interest. Since it’s clear that this is a mystery, the protagonist doesn’t have to have something going wrong right away -- but it should, sooner or later. So, is the mystery element, the voice, and the world of Chinatown enough to make you want a little more? Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 391-Jess Lourey—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Here is the opening of April Fools. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

This may not be your cup of genre, so just judge it on the storytelling and writing.

“I don’t like the look of this.”

I had to agree with Mrs. Berns. “Maybe it’s not as bad as it seems.”

She and I stood near the Battle Lake Library’s front desk, hands on hips, staring down. “I want to poke it with a stick,” she added.

I nodded. “That’s a good plan. But we don’t have a stick.”

She reached for a pencil out of the public cup. She waved it in front of my eyes. “You’re the one who keeps buying these stupid short pencils. You get to poke it. I don’t want to get that close. You’ve watched The Blob?”

I had. When I was eight years old. I spent the next week sleeping in my parents’ bed. I could call up at will the image of the pulsating red lava crawling up the branch and onto the man’s hand, absorbing him as he screamed.

“Those are standard issue, library-length pencils,” I said.

“Do not get defensive with me,” she said. “And only an insecure man would market those as ‘standard issue.’ Those are itty-bitty pencils. Now poke it.”

I leaned forward and then thought better of it. “Maybe I could tape two pencils together?”

She pinched my arm, the soft flesh underneath, her hand in and out before I had a chance to swipe at her. For a woman in her late 80s, she was quick. Scratch that. For a human, she was (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. This is a cozy mystery, one in which the sleuth is not a lawperson. What struck me right away is a voice with its tongue firmly in its cheek. The writing is professional and that, along with the voice, says to me that we’re in the hands of a pro.

Admittedly, there’s not a high-stakes story question here, only what whatever-it-is is. But that, along with the voice, was enough to make me want to take a deeper look and visit it on Amazon. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 391-Lawrence Sanders—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here is the opening of Caper. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that these authors should have hired an editor.

This may not be your cup of genre, so just judge it on the storytelling and writing.

I was in bed with J. Mark Hamilton, my brother-in-law. We had spent the night together because my sister, Laura, was in Park Central, recovering from plastic surgery. She’d had her tits elevated.

So there we were in the morning, J. Mark and me, his unshaved jowls scraping at me. “Bon appetit,” I murmured, and then the phone rang.

It was Sol Faber, my literary agent.

“Morning, doll,” he said brightly. “We got a meet with the man at tennish.

Remember?”

That’s the way Sol talks.

“I remember,” I said. As a matter of fact, I had forgotten. I have that frailty: I lose the remembrance of unpleasant coming events.

Sol told me to meet him in the lobby of Binder Publications a few minutes before ten. Then we hung up. My brother-in-law raised his bald head to stare at me.

“Who was that?” he demanded.

“Your wife,” I said. “She asked me to remind you to pick up the drycleaning.”

His face went white before he realized I was ribbing him. J. Mark is not the fastest wit in the world. He does, though, possess certain skills, even if I don’t allow him between my sheets solely because of them. It’s a form of hostility directed against my sister. Laura is the pretty, (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.1 stars on Amazon. While this character doesn’t appear to have a problem to deal with, the narrative shows strong writing, a quirky and fun voice, and a bold, unique character. Voice and character can work in lieu of a strong story question to generate a page turn. For me, this one passed the hurdle. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.