Flogging the Quill

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 366 Sean Lynch—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

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Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page for Cottonmouth, a Western. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Sarpy County, Nebraska, five miles east of Papillion

March 1874

The reverend reined his wagon to a halt. Four men on horseback were blocking the road ahead. All were wearing town suits and bowlers, and he’d never seen any of them before. They were also wearing revolvers in shoulder holsters, which were plainly visible under their open riding jackets.

“Top of the mornin’ to you, Reverend Hoskins,” the oldest of the riders said. He tipped his hat.

“Do I know you gentlemen?” Reverend Hoskins said.

“No,” the man said. “But we know you. You’re Charles Hoskins, the pastor of the Baptist church in town. We know your family, too. Sitting next to you is your wife, Mary, your daughter, Maura, and your wee little son, Charles junior.”

“How, exactly, do you know all this?” Hoskins asked.

“Why,” the man said, “you’re famous, Reverend. Your sermons are all the rage. They’re right popular with the railroad laborers in these parts. Especially the ones where you call for all the workers to band together, hold out for more money, and strike iffen they don’t get what they want from Brody’s railroad company. Those sermons are real barn burners, so I’m told.”

“Now I know who you are,” Hoskins said, making no effort to hide his contempt. “You’re Quincy Agency men, aren’t you? Cottonmouth Quincy sent you to intimidate me into (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.5 stars on Amazon. Westerns were a huge part of my reading diet when I was a boy, so I’m always interested in what’s being done in the genre these days. In case the cover wasn’t clear on the point, a cottonmouth is a poisonous snake well known in Texas and most of the South.

I like the way the author uses what appears to be a simple listing of the family members to create a sense of menace, for there could not be a good reason for the way this gunman identifies them. The sarcastic description by the antagonist of the reverend’s sermons adds to the sense of jeopardy, and the last line makes it clear. Seemed worth reading more to me. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 365 James Lovegrove—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page for Age of Legends, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

THE SOLDIERS MOVED in a line through Hyde Park, sweeping east to west. Each was separated from the next by a gap of five yards, strictly maintained. When one of them spied a target, the soldier shot without hesitating. The sound of rifle discharges rippled across the park, sometimes single reports, sometimes clusters, like a mad drummer struggling to keep the beat.

Every time a 5.56mm round found its mark, a parakeet toppled out of a tree or plummeted from the sky in an explosion of feathers. The lawns were soon littered with mangled bird bodies and drifts of jade green plumage.

A few of the parakeets had fled at the first sign of gunfire, seeking sanctuary in roosts at the top of neighbouring buildings. The majority, however, stayed put, frightened by the noise but failing to recognise what it signified. For several generations the flocks of parakeets had lived in the park unmolested, their only enemy the occasional peregrine falcon. They were tame by the standards of wild birds. Their forebears had all been caged creatures which had either escaped from captivity or been released by their owners when the cost of upkeep became too high, and this domestication remained somehow inbred, a hereditary conditioning. The parakeets simply weren’t prepared for a slaughter.

The media outlets were not calling it a slaughter, of course. The preferred word was “cull”, usually prefaced by “necessary”. The government’s own press statement referred to it as (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.3 stars on Amazon. This opening, with its bizarre action, led me to think of the world of a story as a character. In that sense, we are here being introduced to a strange and, for me, interesting character. There’s no jeopardy or standard tension here, but it sure does manage, for me, to raise rousing story questions. What is going on here? Why are they shooting parakeets? What will happen next in this uncommon world?

In addition, the writing and voice are professional, the narrative clean, and that says we’re in good hands with this writer. I was moved to turn the page and, as a result, ended up buying the book. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 364 Wendy Dranfield—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the opening page for Shadow Falls, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

Prologue

January 2000—Austin, Texas

“Nathaniel Monroe, I’m arresting you on suspicion of murder. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in court. You have the right to talk to a lawyer for advice before we ask you any questions…”

Nate zones out. He can’t listen to this cop arresting him when the woman he loves is dead on the ground at their feet. He forces himself to look down at Stacey. Her eyes are staring but unseeing. Her long hair is matted in a red puddle, and under the harsh fluorescent light, he can make out blood spatter on the garage wall, clinging on amongst the DIY tools. Her body is still here, but everything that makes her Stacey is long gone.

His head swims; she’ll never say his name again, she’ll never kiss him and tell him she can’t wait to get married. She’ll never infuriate him again.

“… If you decide to answer questions now, without a lawyer present, you have the right to stop answering at any time. You understand?”

Nate slowly turns to look at the black, uniformed officer who has cuffed his bloodstained hands together. They’re probably the same age, around twenty-one, but because of the body on the floor, their lives will play out completely differently. “This isn’t happening.”

The cop raises his eyebrows and nods to Stacey’s lifeless body. “Actually, it already happened.”

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. From a story question point of view, I think this works pretty well. And the writing, though it could use a little editing, works as well. This is a prologue, but it is a scene with some tension in it. And, if you read just a little further, the handcuffed man sees the parish priest with an expression on his face that causes this last paragraph:

What’s left of Nate’s faith dissolves as he realizes what Father Connor has done.

Now there’s a story question raiser. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 363 M.A. Rothman—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the opening pages for Perimeter, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

TO: Bradley Hinshaw, Deputy Director - CIA

SUBJ: NARA Query Response – Broken Arrow

A search of the Central Records System has not found any evidence of Broken Arrow incidents over the Mediterranean within the last sixty years. However, there was a match to your search parameters in the National Archives. I’ve attached a scan of an unclassified memo from the JCAE.

Sincerely,

Kaitlyn Shaw Archives Technician (3A)

Joint Committee on Atomic Energy

Washington 25, D.C.

 

March 28, 1956

Honorable Carl Walske

Assistant to the Secretary (Atomic Energy)

Department of Defense

Washington, D.C.

Dear Dr. Walske:

I am forwarding three copies of the transcript of the executive session before the Joint (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. Seems to me that unless you know what “Broken Arrow” means, all this use of narrative for addresses and titles and memo text isn’t going to grab your attention. I think summary would work much better and get us to story quicker. Here’s the good stuff that came at the top of page two;

. . . an Air Force B-47 went missing somewhere over or near the Mediterranean Sea.

It has been confirmed that the aforementioned aircraft was loaded at MacDill AFB, Florida, with two Mark 15 nuclear capsules.

Now there’s something to keep you moving. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flogometer 1150 for Sheree — which is the strongest opening page?

Submissions sought. Get fresh eyes on your opening page. Submission directions below.

The Flogometer challenge: can you craft a first page that compels me to turn to the next page? Caveat: Please keep in mind that this is entirely subjective.

Note: all the Flogometer posts are here.

What's a first page in publishingland? In a properly formatted novel manuscript (double-spaced, 1-inch margins, 12-point type, etc.) there should be about 16 or 17 lines on the first page. Directions for submissions are below—they include a request to post the rest of the chapter, but that’s optional.

Before you rip into today’s submission, consider this checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass,, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist (PDF here)

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

A reminder of what you’re after here. This blog is about crafting compelling openings. Not interesting, compelling. Why does it have to meet that hurdle? First, if your work is going to an agent, you’re competing with hundreds of submissions. You have to cut through that clutter and competition with powerful storytelling and strong writing. If it’s a reader browsing in a bookstore or online, the same goes—there are scores of published books competing with yours. Yeah, you need compelling.

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</blockquote

At 48 years old, I am about half the age I thought I would be when my life would come to its end. I always thought I’d be like my favorite author, May Sarton, who was tending roses and humming in her garden well into her eighties. But these imaginings disappeared in the instant my oncologist looked up from the results of my MRI and took a deep breath. In the span of that inhalation, I knew my life was over. After a two-year battle fighting the cancer that had started in my breasts, the disease had sent its malignant forces to my liver to deliver a final, fatal blow.

I was sorry that the doctor had to be the messenger of death because I had grown to love this ex-flower child with the gray hair down past her shoulders and a different colored pair of Birkenstocks each day. In a way, we were kindred spirits. When she told me the news, the pallor of her face and the puffiness under her eyes made it clear that she hated losing this fight, but more than that, she seemed heartsick that of all of her patients, I was the one who had pulled the short straw this time.

She predicted that I would have about six months to live, but my gut told me I’d be lucky to live another sixty days, at most. Our meeting was over in less than ten minutes, because without any viable treatments to discuss, what else was there to say?

I thanked the doctor for her kindness, and she hugged me, something she had never done (snip)

The voice is appealing, and the writing strong. This is clearly the inciting incident, the moment when something goes badly wrong in this person’s life. The story question “How will she deal with this death sentence?” is, for me, a strong one. What is it like to live your life when this happens? Do you change things? Get out the bucket list? I did want to read more. Your thoughts?

Ray

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Submitting to the Flogometer:

Email the following in an attachment (.doc, .docx, or .rtf preferred, no PDFs):

1. your title
2. your complete 1st chapter or prologue plus 1st chapter
3. Please include in your email permission to post it on FtQ.
Note: I’m adding a copyright notice for the writer at the end of the post. I’ll use just the first name unless I’m told I can use the full name.
4. Also, please tell me if it’s okay to post the rest of the chapter so people can turn the page.
5. And, optionally, include your permission to use it as an example in a book on writing craft if that's okay.
6. If you’re in a hurry, I’ve done “private floggings,” $50 for a first chapter.
7. If you rewrite while you wait for your turn, it’s okay with me to update the submission.

Were I you, I'd examine my first page in the light of the first-page checklist before submitting to the Flogometer.

Flogging the Quill © 2019 Ray Rhamey, excerpt © 2021 by Sheree.

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My books. You can read sample chapters and learn more about the books here.

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

 

"A darn good read." ebook only 99 cents

Please consider buying The Summer Boy and giving it a review. What readers say:

"The tension begins on page one and escalates, breathlessly, until the final, deadly confrontation. There are no slow parts, no boring middle, just a steady ratcheting of the stakes for these believable, likeable characters."

"A darn good read. Pacing was good, story questions abounded, tension was always present, ebbing and flowing and keeping the reader off guard. "

"His story of a young man and woman discovering who they are and what they're capable of is consistently full of heart and humor. The journey he takes his readers on is thrilling and an absolute joy to read. "

"Ray gives us a murder mystery, a teen romance, and a coming-of-age story, all woven together with effortless skill. "

"I read this book in two days. I had to find out who the murderer was, how the young lovers survived, and how the various characters were going to deal with all the triumphs and adversities of their summer. It's a tale of friendship (the long-lasting kind), love, hatred, deceit - all told through the lens of a long, hot Texas summer. I felt like I was right there with them, sweat and all, while trying to do the right thing and grow up all at the same time. Highly recommend it for a good summer read."

A review from Australia: "This feels like old-style story telling to me, in the best way. No frills, no fuss - just lean, spare writing that paints a clear, strong picture of a time and a place. Ray Rhamey's characters come alive on the page and the story draws you in with its many facets - romance, murder, philosophy. A nice way to spend an afternoon. "

Kindle ebook. Nook/epub ebook. Paperback $9.95.

 

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 363 Adam Southward—does this first page work for you?

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the first chapter of The Stranger Next Door. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

After

My stomach heaved. I coughed, hacking up smoke and soot, wheezing with the effort, my eyes watering in protest as the first body bag was zipped and tagged. The paramedics didn’t look at me. I wasn’t hurt. Not badly. I heaved again.

The stretcher caught on the kerb, the wheels snagging, lurching to the left before righting itself. The paramedics yanked it free, cursing as they pulled it on to the road.

Smoke billowed from the rear of the house. The firefighters ran in and out, unpacking more equipment, rolling hoses across the front lawn, shouting at each other with controlled urgency. The noise swept over me. I couldn’t process it. Just another wave of chaos.

I resisted the urge to run to the ambulance, to jump inside and beg. My legs were frozen, rooted to the ground. The grief was overwhelming; the relentless build-up of the last few weeks seizing my every muscle.

A second stretcher appeared, a second body bag, wheeled more carefully, missing the kerb. The paramedics lifted this one easily into the vehicle. The bile caught in my throat this time. I coughed again, my saliva thick with ash.

How did it come to this? How could it? This was my house, my family, destroyed by reasons too hurtful to contemplate. I sank to the ground, hugging my knees to my chest, thoughts spinning with pain as the shivers took me.

You can read more here. This earned 4 stars on Amazon. I failed to connect with the protagonist despite the clear trouble he/she is going through. After a little thought, I realized that it was the overwriting that stopped me. Eyes watering in protest, the extremely detailed description of how the stretcher (wouldn't it be a gurney?) lurched, etc. And what's with it being all in italics? I'm thinking that this is a prologue of sorts, even though it takes place after the events in the story. Not for me. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a free BookBubber 362 S.J. Varengo—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of chapter 1 of The Beauty in Bucharest, a thriller. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

“I’ll just pull up front and drop you off,” Dan told his wife. “It’s raining and you’re too sweet to get wet. You’ll melt.”

It was early December in Denver and by all rights it should have been snowing. But a freak warm front had kept the temperature in the forties for the past several days and when the precipitation came, it did so in the form of a drenching rain.

Nicole smiled at his cheesy sentiment. “You weren’t worrying about me being wet when you joined me in the shower this morning,” she said, her voice husky and teasing. Dan looked at his drop-dead gorgeous wife and wondered, probably for the ten-millionth time, what he’d done right to win her. The best explanation he’d ever heard was from a Buddhist friend who’d said he’d probably stored up a bunch of karma points in previous lifetimes.

He pulled Nicole’s Lexus into the fire zone in front of The Home Depot and stopped as close to the overhang as he could get.

“Thanks, honey,” Nicole said. She blew him a kiss, then jumped out and ran into the store.

Dan watched her all the way through the door, grinning as he marveled at her perfect butt, as well-formed at 41 as it had been when he’d first met her at 21, then looked for a parking space. Must be a big sale on nuts and bolts, he thought, seeing that the closest vacant space was (snip)

You can read more here. This earned 4.2 stars on Amazon. Unartful writing right away was off-putting for me. It’s in the second sentence when he tells his wife, who is in a car with him and can’t help but aware of the fact that it’s raining, that it’s raining. I say unartful because this is the author telling the reader that it’s raining. It’s an attempt at scene-setting, but it is not well done. How could it have been better?

”The rain will melt someone as sweet as you.”

See? That wasn’t so hard, and the line shows his care for her.

Beyond that, where are the story questions? Where is the tension? The page ends with him admiring his wife’s body. Not a bad thing, that, but hardly capable of making the reader want to wonder what will happen next.

The headline on the blurb on the book’s Amazon page is this:

What would you do if you found a body in the trunk of your wife’s car?

Were it me, I’d sure have him finding that body on the first page. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a 99¢ BookBubber 361 Mel McGrath—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the prologue of Two Wrongs. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

The lights on the Clifton Suspension Bridge are dazzling in the thin Bristolian rain. The woman walks across it all the time on her way to and from her shift cleaning at the Royal Infirmary and even though it is a notorious suicide spot she has never yet seen anyone fall. But there is a first time for everything and as she spots a young woman clutching the railings of the suicide fence, the thought zips through her mind: this might be the time.

She hears herself call out reflexively – Hey! The young woman clutching the fence looks her way and for an instant hope surges in the woman who has just come off shift until the younger woman, turning back to face the gorge, reaches out and begins to climb the fence. There is a terrible purpose in the way she moves. The woman who has just come off shift knows that whatever she does now could make the difference between life and death, and knowing that, sensing it, makes the hairs on her skin lift and her heart hammer and her legs surge forward.

Still the young woman clambers upwards.

‘Hey!’ The woman who has just come off shift feels her breath quit. She is so tired. It was a long day at work and she cleans the A&E department and there is always so much blood and grease and body fluids and so many cups and snack wrappers to clear up. She is accustomed to seeing bodies and knows what that three-second flight from the bridge through the air and into the water can do to flesh and bones.

You can read more here. This earned 3.9 stars on Amazon. There are good story questions here, but I found the writing to be so badly needing an edit that it killed my interest. Here are some brief notes:

The lights on the Clifton Suspension Bridge are dazzling in the thin Bristolian rain. The woman Sondra walks across it all the time on her way to and from her shift cleaning at the Royal Infirmary. and, even though it is a notorious suicide spot, she has never yet seen anyone fall. But there is a first time for everything and as Ahead, she spots a young woman clutching the wire of a tall fence--the suicide fence. Giving characters a name makes them more real to the reader. She can't be touching the railing of the fence because later she has to climb the fence in order to jump. The railing would be at the top.</p>

<p>She hears herself calls out reflexively – Hey! The young woman clutching the fence looks her way, and for an instant hope surges in the woman who has just come off shift until the younger woman, turning back to face the gorge, reaches out and begins to climb the fence. There is a terrible purpose in the way she moves. The woman who has just come off shift knows that whatever she does now could make the difference between life and death, and knowing that, sensing it, makes the hairs on her skin lift and her heart hammers and her legs surge forward. This long, clumsy phrase is used to identify the character three times in just this first page. Not only is it long and clumsy and breaks up the narrative flow, it’s not needed—she soon identifies herself as “Sondra”—so why not use the name from the start instead of this mess? And is it just her legs that surge forward? What about the rest of her body?</p>

<p>Still the young woman clambers upwards. </p>

<p> ‘Hey!’ The woman who has just come off shift feels her breath quit. She is so tired. It was a long day at work and she cleans the A&E department and there is always so much blood and grease and body fluids and so many cups and snack wrappers to clear up. She is accustomed to seeing bodies and knows what that three-second flight from the bridge through the air and into the water can do to flesh and bones. This is no time for exposition and backstory.

There's more editing needed here, but I didn't want to take the time. I think the point has been made. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.

Flog a free BookBubber 360 A.K. Wilder—does this first page work for you?

In addition to flogging submissions by writer readers, I’m flogging books that cost 99¢, although interesting free books may still get a look. The challenge is not that you would pay 99¢ on the basis of a single page, but if you would go to Amazon in order to turn the page a read more with the idea in mind that you might buy it.

Writers, send your prologue/first chapter to FtQ for a “flogging” critique. Email as an attachment. In your email, include your name, permission to use the first page, and, if it’s okay, permission to post the rest of the prologue/chapter.

Many of the folks who utilize BookBub are self-published, and because we hear over and over the need for self-published authors to have their work edited, it’s educational to take a hard look at their first pages. A poll follows concerning the need for an editor.

When you evaluate today’s opening page, consider how well it uses elements from the checklist of first-page ingredients from my book, Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling.

Donald Maass, literary agent and author of many books on writing, says, “Independent editor Ray Rhamey’s first-page checklist is an excellent yardstick for measuring what makes openings interesting.”

A First-page Checklist

• It begins to engage the reader with the character
• Something is wrong/goes wrong or challenges the character
• The character desires something.
• The character takes action. Can be internal or external action: thoughts, deeds, emotions. This does NOT include musing about whatever.
• There’s enough of a setting to orient the reader as to where things are happening.
• It happens in the NOW of the story.
• Backstory? What backstory? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• Set-up? What set-up? We’re in the NOW of the story.
• The one thing it must do: raise a story question.

---

Here are the first 17 lines of the prologue of Crown of Bones. A poll follows the opening page below. If you don’t want to turn the page, then I’m thinking that this author should have hired an editor.

The Sanctuary bursts with children this time of year, untrained pups bounding through the halls, chasing their tails. They arrive full of hope, and why wouldn’t they? ’Tis no small feat to be marked by the Bone Throwers as having potential. The question is, how many among them will actually succeed?

I look over the training ground and sigh, knowing it will be far too few.

My group, for example, not a savant among them. “Enough!” I clap. “Break for lunch.”

They jump and cheer like a festival riot, and all I can do to remain calm is pinch the bridge of my nose. “Quiet. Midday silence will be observed.”

I’m about to wave them to the dining hall when shouting rings out from the other end of the field. A flash of light shoots as high as the watchtower. Dirt pummels down like rain. The ground cleaves apart, fracturing in tremors that echo up through my feet. A brilliant, cresting form, ever shifting, pushes free, its mouth open in an earsplitting screech. I stumble and cover my ears as the sheer power of it hits me.

“Stay here!”

I drop one knee to the ground and raise my phantom before taking off toward the chaos. From the earth bursts my phantom, C’sen, red sparks trailing from blue wings as it soars overhead. “Go!”

You can read more here. This earned 4.4 stars on Amazon. Writing and voice are good, and this narrative doesn’t have obvious editing needs as far as the text is concerned. The narrator is sympathetic in the sense that he thinks of the children in affectionate terms, so that’s good. The eruption of a powerful something is clearly something going wrong, and the character is reacting.

I don’t know about this one—for some reason, it didn’t connect with me emotionally. Perhaps if there had been more of a clear sense of danger for the children I would be more eager. I did download it to see more, but not all on the basis of the prologue’s first page—Amazon blurbs do help. And it’s free. I would not have paid 99 cents based on this page alone. Your thoughts?

Writing Craft Mastering the Craft of Compelling Storytelling

Mystery (coming of age) The Summer Boy

Science Fiction Gundown Free ebooks.